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Bloke walks into a pub and asks for a pint of anything except Stella. Barman asks, "What's wrong with Stella?" Bloke says, "I had 12 pints of Stella last night and when I came round I was ****ing skint." Barman says, "12 pints of anything costs about the same." Bloke replies, "Skint's my...

Two 90 year old men, Mick & Jack, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Jack is dying, Mick visits him every day. One day Mick says, "Jack, we both loved footy all our lives, and we played footy on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get...

My grandmother believed that the secret to living a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her porridge each morning. She did this religiously and lived to the age of 105. Last week she left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren...

A man went for a job interview. As is normal they ask him the dopey question, "What do you think is your biggest weakness?" He says, "My honesty." They respond, "We don't think honesty is a weakness?" He says, "I don't give a f*ck what you think."

For bloke's who get paid as much as they do the players make far too many demands.

(In no particular order) Cairns, Canberra, Claremont, Northern Territory,Norwood, Tasmania, 24 teams, 23 rounds, every one plays everyone once, final 8 - average teams should not be in the finals.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this a joke?"

A man's wife tells him that if he comes home drunk again, she'll leave him. One night, at the pub, drunk, having vomited all over himself, he says to a friend, "I can't go home, the wife will leave me." The friend says, "Look, tell her someone else vomited on you. Put a $20 note in your pocket...

If a man speaks and there is no woman to hear him - is he still wrong?

My solution: Current 18 clubs + Cairns/N. Qld Darwin/NT another Perth club another Adelaide club Tasmania Canberra 24 teams. They play each other once - 23 rounds.

Saw a woman breast feeding on the bus today then this old lady started screaming; "How dare you do that in a public place?! That's horrendous!" In hindsight it probably wasn't the time or the place for a wank.

A new Pope was on his first tour of Ireland when he found himself alone in the back of a limo. He reached forward, tapped on the window and said to the driver, “You know the thing I miss most about being a Pope is that I can’t drive — someone drives you everywhere. Would you mind swapping places...

A Polish immigrant went to the VicRoads to apply for a driver's licence. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. They showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the technician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

In 1970, Russell Jones, an Echuca mechanic, was called up for national service. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Russell a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked...

An Afro-American, a Latino American and a white American are the only people on a bus. A lantern rolls down the aisle and the three wrestle to rub it. No-one can tell who succeeds. A genie appears. "I will grant each of you one wish", he says. The Afro-American says, "My people were enslaved and...

Did you hear about the Vicar who stayed the night in a hotel? "I hope the pr0n channel in my room is disabled" he said to the receptionist. She replied, "No its regular pr0n, you sick bastard!"

Probably the wrong place for this, if so, sorry. I'm not really into Footy Cards (although I have a complete set of Mobil cards from the 60s). However, I do have a bit of an itch to have a collection of cards of all the premiers' captains. That's 118 players from 1897 to 2018. I've designed some...

The AFL clubs will never pay the costs of a real reserves comp. I have a plan that's good for Aussie Rules but bad for the AFL (they're not the same thing). Victoria deserves its own State comp. That is, the VFL with NO aligned teams. The AFL players coming back from injury, temporarily out of...

The clash guernseys should be mainly white only where white is one of the clubs colours (like Freo & Footscray) . Where clubs do not have white as one of their colours, ike Richmond, they could st reverse their normal colours, no possibility of confusion with Essendon then. Hawthorn, for...

I think such clubs as Coburg, Port Melbourne, Sandringham, Frankston, Williamstown & Box Hill, and newer clubs like Bendigo need to leave the AFL clubs to their own devices. Form a new VFA. Victoria needs its own State League, our answer to the SANFL or WAFL.

The only way to ensure fairness is for every club to play each other once, or (preferably) twice. End of story. As the league expands this will only be possible by dividing the competition. I think this should not be a partition based on results (promotion/relegation) but on chance, so that...

And oh, I like the idea of a code-wide commission but see two problems: 1) the AFL would never wear it & 2) the new Commission might be even more distant, Imperial and non-accountable than the current one. Who could really hold it accountable?

I like the comprehensiveness of a national tiered competition, BUT I can't help feeling that some clubs would be permanently down, some permanently up and some permanently "on the cusp". Once down it would be very hard to return. Also, I think the elite competition can pay for the travel...

Does the draft disappear? If not, how does it work? I am attracted to the idea of divisions and a comprehensive competition as you suggest. However, I think that there would be a few clubs at the top who could never be beaten and other teams who jump back and forth between top of Div 2, bottom...

Apply everywhere you'd like to work. If you get a gig you'll learn on the job. Make sure you make it easy for a prospective employer to hire you, take a resume, take the RSA, look presentable. Go when they're not busy and appear enthusiastic. If that fails, you could try a bar course.

Melbourne has great, and variable weather. The only Australian city I'd move to (for the weather) would be Hobart. Sometimes Melbourne is too hot.

You absolutely did enough, and more than most would do. I assume that the police took a statement from you. I agree you should get a walking companion, walking alone at night, esp. in some areas, can be very iffy.

Yeh, and every year the two groups are re-mixed and randomised.

My suggestion would be 24 teams Current 18 teams plus Tasmania Canberra N.T. North Queensland another WA/Perth team another SA/Adelaide team divided into 2 groups. NOT divisions. The problem with relegation is that once you go down, you'll never come up again properly. (Some teams will just...

My view would be that the competing teams should be: Defending champion - 1 VFL - top 3 WAFL - top 3 SANFL - top 3 NEAFL (N) - top 2 NEAFL (E) - top 2 Tasmania - top 2 (If the defending champion qualifies twice then another team from its league goes in.) The should be no qualifying (and...