Lame jokes

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A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a Loud
pounding on the door.

The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing
in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
Slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No! I did not! It's 3 O clock in the morning and it's pouring out
There!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife "Can't you Remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys Helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of Yourself!"

The man did as he is told, got dressed, and went out into the Pouring
rain.

He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here..... On the swing!" replied the drunk.
 

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Two blacks guys were walking along a road in Los Angeles when
they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken LA cop.

One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was
knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the
second with leaving the scene of an accident.
 
nivek48 said:
Two blacks guys were walking along a road in Los Angeles when
they were struck by a police car driven by a drunken LA cop.

One guy was thrown through the windscreen and the other was
knocked down an embankment.

The first guy was charged with breaking and entering and the
second with leaving the scene of an accident.
Click to expand...

hahaha thats brilliant:thumbsu:
 
A wife wakes up and sees her husband isn't in bed.
She finds him in the kitchen crying over a cup of coffee.

"What's wrong?" the wife asks.

"Remember when you were only 16 and I was 18 and your dad caught us in the back seat of my car? He put a shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or you'll go to jail for twenty years.'"

The wife says, "Of course I remember. But, why are you crying?"

"Today is the day I would have been let out of jail!"
 
After opening the first restaurant on the moon, Bob was disappointed to receive only 2 stars in the newspaper's restaurant review section.

"Great food, no atmosphere."

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Two guys were working for the city. One would dig a hole—he would dig, dig, dig. The other would come behind him and fill the hole—fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously, one digging a hole, the other filling it up again.
A man watching from the sidewalk couldn't understand what they were doing.
He says to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard you work, but what are you doing? You dig a hole and your partner comes behind you and fills it up again!"
The hole digger replies, "Oh yeah, must look funny, but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."
 
Mingo said:
A man and his wife were awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a Loud
pounding on the door.

The man got up and went to the door where a drunken stranger, Standing
in the pouring rain, was asking for a push.

"Not a chance," said the husband, "it's 3 o'clock in the morning!" He
Slammed the door and returned to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answered.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No! I did not! It's 3 O clock in the morning and it's pouring out
There!"

"Well, you have a short memory," said his wife "Can't you Remember about
three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys Helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of Yourself!"

The man did as he is told, got dressed, and went out into the Pouring
rain.

He called out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" came back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?", called out the husband.

"Yes, please!" came the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asked the husband.

"Over here..... On the swing!" replied the drunk.
Click to expand...

If we had another comp..... i vote that!!!!
 
What do you call a monkey in a minefield?
A Baboom!

What do you call a monkey with a machine gun?
A GEURILLA!

What do you call an effeminate monkey?
A CHIM-PANSY!

What do you call a monkey with a football and one glove?

Quentin Lynch
 
Just heard this on the tv:

What's the difference between pink and purple? The grip!
 

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so there's these two blokes walking across the desert. it's hot. god, it's hot. and dry. god it's dry.

soon they start to feel very thirsty indeed.

and before long even thirstier.

with increasing desperation they search for a source of water.

until at last they see ahead what appears to be a marketplace at an oasis.

"we're saved!" they say, and fatigued with thirst as they are, rush towards the market.

"please sir" they say, approaching the first stallholder they come to. "can you spare a glass of water?"

"I'm sorry gentlemen", the stallholder responds. "I only have sponge cake, jelly and custard."

so they move on to the next stall and ask for water - but he too only has sponge cake, jelly and custard. and so does the next, and the next - in fact, every stall only sells sponge cake, jelly and custard.

so one of the men turns to the other and says "this is a trifle bizarre..."

(only works out loud)
 
A guy goes in to hospital to get a vasectomy and during the preparation, the nurse says we need you to masturbate prior to the procedure, She hands him a cup and closes the curtains for privacy.

He then hears the nurse explaining the same thing to the patient next to him.
But this time he can see through the silhouette that the nurse is giving the other guy a BJ.

Well anyway the surgeon walks in to see if he is ready, bemused the first patient says "why didn't I receive a BJ."

The surgeon replied "he has private health insurance"
 
What was the name of the gay man who died in the bushfire?

Quentin Crisped.



What's the difference between a straight rooster & a gay rooster?

Straight roosters go ****-adoodle-doo; gay roosters go any-****'ll-doo.
 
nivek48 said:
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City the flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That was quite a bump, and I know what y'all are thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it wasn't the flight attendant's fault, it was the asphalt."
Click to expand...

When I was in USA I flew TWA and the stewardess would ask would you like some twa coffee or twa tea.
 
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