Lame jokes

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a bit long...

One day many years ago, a fisherman's wife blessed her husband with twin sons. They loved the children very much, but couldn't think of what to name their children. Finally, after several days, the fisherman said, "Let's not decide on names right now. If we wait a little while, the names will simply occur to us."

After several weeks had passed, the fisherman and his wife noticed a peculiar fact. When left alone, one of the boys would always turn towards the sea, while the other boy would face inland. It didn't matter which way the parents positioned the children, the same child always faced the same direction. "Let's call the boys Towards and Away," suggested the fisherman. His wife agreed, and from that point on, the boys were simply known as TOWARDS and AWAY.

The years passed and the lads grew tall and strong. The day came when the aging fisherman said to his sons, "Boys, it's time that you learned how to make a living from the sea" They provisioned their ship, said their goodbyes, and set sail for a three-month voyage.

The three months passed quickly for the fisherman's wife, yet the ship had not returned. Another three months passed, and still no ship.

A whole year passed before the grieving woman saw a lone man walking towards her house. She recognized him as her husband. "My goodness! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.

The ragged fisherman began to tell his story:

"We were just barely one whole day out to sea when Towards hooked into a great fish. Towards fought long and hard, but the fish was more than his equal. For a whole week they wrestled upon the waves without either of them letting up. Yet eventually the great fish started to win the battle, and Towards was pulled over the side of our ship. He was swallowed whole, and we never saw either of them again."

"Oh dear, that must have been terrible! What a huge fish that must of been! What a horrible fish. What a *horrible, horrible* fish!"

"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."
 
Vincent Van Gogh was standing at the corner of the bar in his local pub when his mate Rembrandt walked in.

"Fancy a whiskey, Van Gogh?" called out Rembrandt.

"No, its okay", said Van Gogh, "I've got one 'ear."
 
Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small wildebeests wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills. They ran out, chased after the animals, killed them, and started eating them.

Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance. one of the baby lions turned to the other, and said: "That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."
 
Rules for Dating my Daughter !

RULE ONE: HONKING.
If you pull into my driveway and honk you’d better be delivering a package, because you’re sure not picking anything up.

RULE TWO: TOUCHING.
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter’s body, I will remove them.

RULE THREE: BAGGIES.

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don’t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact , come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

RULE FOUR: SEX.

I’m sure you’ve been told that in today’s world, sex without utilising a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

RULE FIVE: SMALL TALK.

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is “early”.

RULE SIX: DATING.

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow ,with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she has finished with you. If you
make her cry, I will make you cry.

RULE SEVEN: PATIENCE AND PRODUCTIVITY.

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don’t you do something useful
like changing the oil in my car ?.

RULE EIGHT: WHERE TO GO.

The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.
Places where there no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight.
Places where there is darkness.
Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls , a sweater, and a goose down Parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes
are better.

RULE NINE: THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE.

DO NOT LIE TO ME. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle - aged, dimwitted has - been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

RULE TEN: RESPECT.

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near HANOI. When my agent orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine..........
 
A young lad goes up to his grandma and says "Nan, have you seen my tablets? They've got LSD on them" to which she replies "F**k that, have you seen the purple dragon in the kitchen?"
 
I found this beautiful winter poem and thought it might be a comfort to you.
It was to me, and it's very well written.



ENJOY!


" WINTER "



a poem by Abigail Elizabeth McIntyre




SHIT
It's Cold
 

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Super Goalie said:
A young lad goes up to his grandma and says "Nan, have you seen my tablets? They've got LSD on them" to which she replies "F**k that, have you seen the purple dragon in the kitchen?"
Click to expand...

:thumbsu:
 
Shane Crawford's favourite joke:

How deep is a frog pond?






Kneedeep, kneedeep

:eek:
 
The recent AFL fans survey found that 85% of West Coast fans like to have sex in the shower.

The other 15% have never been to jail.
 
Bugz said:
The recent AFL fans survey found that 85% of West Coast fans like to have sex in the shower.

The other 15% have never been to jail.
Click to expand...

hahahaha :D
 
Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Marie, are traveling through Europe in their car.

They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light.

Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the bonnet of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination, "says Sister Marie.

Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Marie.

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Marie.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the **** off the car!"
 
Irishman's diet
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a
diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a
day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks
The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds."
When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost
nearly 60 POUNDS!

Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my
instructions?"
The Irishman nodded..."I'll tell you though, by
jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead dat 3rd
day."

From hunger, you mean?"

No, from de bloody skippin'!!!!!
 
At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.

While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles"

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way, "What about all these biscuit purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes", replied the Rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."

"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.

"Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete dick."
 
Q: How do you make a sausage roll?
A: Push it down a hill

Q: How do you make a Venetian blind?
A: Poke him in the eye

Q:How do you make a Maltese cross?
A: Kick him in the shins

Q: What's the difference between an African and Indian Elephant?
A: About 3000 miles
 
This one is just off the top of my head, but you should get the gist.

One night a particularly well built man is sitting at a bar having a drink This particular bar is rather exclusive and is situated at the top of a high rise building. A woman approaches him and they get to chatting. One thing leads to another and they start to talk about sex.

The man says "OK, if I can jump out of that window and not die, you have to have sex with me tonight."

The woman agrees and the man jumps out ofthe window and disappears. Suddenly he pops back into sight and waves at the girl. He jumps back into the bar and goes back to his seat. The woman is suitably impressed.

When the man makes to leave, the woman says "ok, but first you have to teach me how to fly". The man agrees. They go to the window and the man instructs the woman just to jump and flap her arms really fast. She does this, but falls to her death. The man leaves, smiling. As he passes the barman, the barman says "you can be a real prick when youre drunk Superman!"
 
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