Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

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SeinDude

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It seems as though the latest BigFooty crash has meant that my original jokes thread with over 100 jokes has been lost, so I thought.... why not start another one!! :D:D

Please feel free to post jokes below. :)

I'll start.....



A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow he
managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the
building, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to
a side aisle and into a confessional.

A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress and figuring that
the fellow was in need of some assistance, proceeded to enter his side
of the confessional. But his attention was rewarded only by a lengthy
silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?"

"I dunno..." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You
got any toilet paper on your side?"




Cheers!! :cool:
SeinDude
 
A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked. The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"



Cheers!! :cool:
SeinDude
 
Here's one I just received:

Research

A man doing market research knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.

He said, "I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?"

She said, "Yes. My husband and I use it all the time."

"And if you don't mind me asking, what do you use it for?"

"We use it for sex."

The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, "Usually people lie to me and say that they use it on a child's bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex.

I admire you for your honesty. Since you've been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?"








The woman said, "I don't mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the door knob and it keeps the kids out."


(and you all thought this was gonna be dirty :D
 

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
 
One fine sunny morning, the priest took a walk in the local forest. He had been walking by the small stream when he noticed a sad, sad looking frog sitting on a toadstool.

"What's wrong with you?" said the priest.

"Well," said the frog, "the reason I am so sad on this fine day is because I wasn't always a frog."

"Really!" said the priest. "Can you explain!"

"Once upon a time I was an 11 year old Choir boy at the local church. I too was walking through this forest when I was confronted by the wicked witch of the forest. 'Let me pass!' I yelled, but to no avail. She called me a cheeky little boy and with a flash of her wand, turned me into this frog you see before you."

"That's an incredible story" said the priest. "Is there no way of reversing this spell that the witch has cast upon you?."

"Yes" said the frog, "It is said, that if a nice kind person would pick me up, take me home, give me food & Warmth and with a good nights sleep would wake up a boy once again."

"Today's your lucky day!" said the priest, and picked up the frog and took him home. The priest gave the frog lots of food, placed him by the fire and at bedtime put the frog on the pillow beside him. When the priest awoke, he saw the 11-year-old Choirboy beside him in bed,

"And that my lord is the case for the Defense....... "
 
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father.
She stands directly next to the barber chair, while her
dad gets his haircut, eating her snack cake.

The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get
hair on your Twinkie."

She says, "I know. I'm gonna get boobs too."

Cheers!
 
Originally posted by gbear
A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he couldn't stand still. He asked Father Murphy for some advice. Father Murphy replied, "When I'm worried about gettin' nervous on the pulpit, I take a wee bit o' whiskey. Just to calm my nerves." So the next Sunday he took the older priest's advice. Before the mass, he got nervous and took a drink. He then proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon return to his office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

1. A few sips of whiskey. Not the whole bottle.

2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Senior, Junior, and the Spook.

8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him.

9. When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey, don't say "He was stoned off his ass."

10. We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it, for it is my body"; he did not say, Eat me."

12. The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with the Cherry".

13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: "Rub-A-dub-dub, thanks for the grub, yea God"

14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at St. Patrick's, not a patrick-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
Click to expand...

boring shiat
 
Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in front of St. Peter at
the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

She asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-
Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved indicating that she
never told a lie."

"Whose clock is that?"

"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice, telling us that
Abe only told 2 lies in his entire life."

Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"

"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan.":D
 
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty's government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be known as "EuroEnglish." In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favor of the "k:" This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replased with the "f." This will make words like "fotograf" 20% shorter. In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mess of the silent "e"s in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

By the 4th year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!!! And zen ve vil take over ze vorld!!!!
 
A man walked into his local and everyone stopped and gasped, he had a frog growing out of his forehead.

"Crikey mate what the hell is going on there?!!" asked the barman

no reply
"Are you alright, what happened?"
The dude with the frog growing out of his head just stared blankly into the distance.

"Mate thats not normal....... how'd it happened?" asked the barman again.

The frog then opened its mouth ans said "I dunno mate it started as a wart growing from my arse (____I____)
 
Originally posted by SonOfScray
A man walked into his local and everyone stopped and gasped, he had a frog growing out of his forehead.

"Crikey mate what the hell is going on there?!!" asked the barman

no reply
"Are you alright, what happened?"
The dude with the frog growing out of his head just stared blankly into the distance.

"Mate thats not normal....... how'd it happened?" asked the barman again.

The frog then opened its mouth ans said "I dunno mate it started as a wart growing from my arse (____I____)
Click to expand...
Charmpayne comedy !
 
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus on his shoulder and tells the bartender that his octopus is a musical genius.

" I'll bet you $10 he can play any instrument."

The bartender pulls out an electric guitar from behind the bar and says, Well lets see him play this guitar. The octopus takes the guitar and starts playing just like Jimi Hendrix. The patron pockets the $10.

Next the bartender pulls out a trumpet, the octopus grabs it and his playing would make Dizzie Gillespie proud. ...$10 later Now the bartender pulls out bagpipes from behind the bar and gives them to the octopus.

The octopus starts fumbling with them for a moment, and the bartender says " I think we've got him, he can't play those !"

The octopus retorts: Play them ?! As soon as I can figure out how to get these pyjamas off I'm gonna' root them !
 

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Blondes working on a house


Two blondes were working on a house. The one who was nailing
down siding would reach into his nail pouch, pull out a nail
and either toss it over his shoulder or nail it in. The other,
figuring this was worth looking into, asked, "Why are you
throwing those nails away?"

The first explained, "If I pull a nail out of my pouch and it's
pointed toward me, I throw it away 'cause it's defective. If
it's pointed toward the house, then I nail it in!"

The second blonde got completely upset and yelled, "You moron!
The nails pointed toward you aren't defective! They're for the
other side of the house!"



Cheers!! :cool:
SeinDude
 
The Price Of Wisdom

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it
will cost to extract wisdom teeth.

"Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a
cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can
knock it down to $60."

"That's still too expensive," the man says.

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply
rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I could get away with
charging $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Hm," says the dentist, scratching his head. "If I let one of my
students do it for the experience, I suppose I could charge you
just $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"




Cheers!! :cool:
SeinDude
 
Drunken Car Theft

A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car.
"They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal, even the accelerator!" he cried out. The police were
dumbfounded and dispatched an officer to the scene.

However, before the police arrived, the phone rang a second time
with the same voice came over the line. "Never mind," he said
with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake."




Cheers!! :cool:
SeinDude
 
Apparently a true story...
Sorry about the length but this is worth it

M.V. HYDERABAD,
BOMBAY

VOYAGE REPORT No. 3

Dear Sirs,

I regret that such a small misunderstanding could lead to the following circumstances, and haste in order that you will receive this report before you form incorrect opinions from sensationalized reports in the world press, for I am sure they will greatly over dramatise the affair.

We had just picked up the pilot, and the apprentice had returned from changing the “ G ” flag for the “H” and, being his first trip, was having difficulty in rolling the “G” flag up. I therefore proceeded to show him how to do this. Coming to the last part, I told him to “Let go.” The lad, although helpful and obliging, is somewhat lacking in intelligence, necessitating that I repeat the order in a somewhat sharper tone of voice.

At this moment the chief officer appeared from the chart room, having been plotting the vessel’s progress, and, thinking that it was the anchors that were being referred to, repeated the “Let go.” order to the forecastle. The port anchor, having been cleared away but not yet walked out, was promptly let go. The third officer is to be commended for the rapidity with which the order was complied. However, the effect of letting the anchor drop from the hawse pipe while the vessel was proceeding at full harbour speed proved too much for the windlass brake, and the entire length of port cable was “pulled out by the roots” one might say. I fear that the damage to the chain locker may be extensive. The braking effect of the port anchor naturally caused the vessel to sheer in that direction, directly toward the swing bridge that spans a tributary of the river, up which we were proceeding.

The swing bridge operator displayed great presence of mind by opening his bridge for my vessel. Unfortunately he did not think to first stop the vehicular traffic before doing so, the result being that the bridge partly opened and deposited a Volkswagon, two motor cyclists and a cattle transport on the foredeck before being jammed by an articulated lorry.

My ships company are presently rounding up the contents of the cattle transporter, which from the noise I would say are pigs.

After the port anchor was let go and the vessel started to sheer to port, I gave a double ring full astern on the engine room telegraph, and personally rang the engine room to order maximum astern revolutions. I was informed that the sea temperature was 53 degrees Fahrenheit and was asked if there was to be a film in the ward room tonight. My reply would not add constructively to this report. Shortly after this time, in his efforts to arrest the progress of the vessel, the third officer dropped the starboard anchor. Too late, alas, to be of any practical use, for it fell onto the bridge operator’s cabin, just before the vessel’s forecastle wedged itself solidly under the partly opened bridge.

Up to now I have confined my report to the foreward end of the vessel. Astern, my crew were also having their problems. At the moment that the port anchor was let go, the second officer was supervising the making-fast of the after tug and was lowering the ship’s towing spring down to the tug. The sudden braking effects of the port and then starboard anchors caused the tug to run into the stern of my vessel, just at the moment when the screw was answering the my double ring full astern. The quick action of the second officer in securing the inboard end of the towing spring delayed the sinking of the tug by some minutes, thereby enabling the safe abandoning of that vessel.

It may be purely a coincidence, but only moments after the port anchor was let go, there was a power cut ashore. The fact that we were over a “cable area” at the time might suggest that we may have possibly touched something on the river bed. It is never-the-less very fortunate that the high tension cables brought down by the main-mast were not live, possibly being replaced by the undersea cable, but owing to the blackout ashore, I am unable to ascertain exactly where the pylons fell.

Sirs, it never ceases to amaze me the actions and behaviours of foreign persons during moments of crisis. The pilot for instance, is at this, moment huddle in a corner in my day cabin, alternately crooning to himself and crying, after having consumed a full bottle of my best gin in a time which is surely worthy of inclusion in the Guiness Book of Records.
It is a disgrace that a man should be permitted to hold a responsible position such as his, while entertaining such a severe weakness for unbridled quantities of strong alcoholic beverage. The tug master on the other hand reacted in a most violent fashion to his gallant rescue by the third officer, and had to be restrained by my steward, who has him handcuffed in the ships hospital, where he is insisting that I do impossible things with my ship and my person.

I enclose the names and addresses of the drivers and their insurance companies of the vehicles on my foredeck, which the third officer collected after his somewhat hurried evacuation of the forecastle. These particulars will enable you to claim some recompense for the damage that they did to the railings of the number 1 hold.

It is sad to think that had the apprentice realized that there is no need to fly pilot flags after dark, none of these things need have happened.

For weekly accountability report I will assign the following numbers T/740199 to T/750101 inclusive.


Yours faithfully

:D
Master, M.V. Hyderabad.
 
On a recent transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.

One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die," she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own
peril. They all stared, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane.

He is gorgeous, tall, built, with reddish-blond hair and hazel eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt










.....one button at a time.







.....No one moves.







......He removes his shirt.








.....Muscles ripple across his chest










.....he whispers:












...."Iron this."
 
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!''

The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
 
Annoying Boy on Bus

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, ''If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull.''
The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, ''If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant.''

The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, ''What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!''

The kid smiles and says, ''I would be a bus driver!''
 
A guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas."
The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day."

"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay."

The next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!"

On the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?"

The man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"
 
------------------------------------------------------------
Cardiologist's Funeral
------------------------------------------------------------
One of the city's top cardiac specialist died. At his
funeral, the coffin was placed in front of a huge mockup
of a heart made up of red flowers. When the pastor finished
with his sermon, and after everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened. The coffin rolled inside and the
heart closed again.

At that moment, one of the mourners burst into a fit of
laughter. Irritated by his insensitivity, the guy next to
him asked, "Why are you laughing?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied...
"I'm a gynecologist."
 
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