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I finally got around to going fishing this morning but after a while I ran out of worms.

Then I saw a King Brown with a frog in his mouth, and frogs are good bass bait.

Knowing the snake couldn't bite me with the frog in his mouth, I grabbed him right behind the head, took the frog and put it in my bait bucket.

Now the dilemma was how to release the snake without getting bitten.

I grabbed my bottle of Bundaberg rum and poured a little rum in its mouth.

His eyes rolled back, he went limp, I released him into the lake without incident, and carried on my fishing with the frog.

A little later I felt a nudge on my foot.

There was that same snake with two frogs in his mouth.
 
^^ onya Maurie, good one :)
 
An Aussie, A pom, and a chinese man were on a hot air balloon. They were falling at a rapid rate. Each person had to get rid of something that their country had too much of. The Englishman threw soccerballs over the edge. The Chinese man threw chopsticks over. The Aussie threw the Chinese man over because they had too much of them in their country. :D

I am not racist, I hate everyone equally :p
 

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Andonis1997 said:
An Aussie, A pom, and a chinese man were on a hot air balloon. They were falling at a rapid rate. Each person had to get rid of something that their country had too much of. The Englishman threw soccerballs over the edge. The Chinese man threw chopsticks over. The Aussie threw the Chinese man over because they had too much of them in their country. :D

I am not racist, I hate everyone equally :p
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Old and predictable, but the final nail was the poor telling..........shouldnt have typed another word after over.
 
perthbombersfan said:
Old and predictable, but the final nail was the poor telling..........shouldnt have typed another word after over.
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I dunno, doesn't quite have the same punch:

An Aussie, A pom, and a chinese man were on a hot air balloon. They were falling at a rapid rate. Each person had to get rid of something that their country had too much of. The Englishman threw soccerballs over
 
MoscowHawk said:
They have found Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.


Monday...stayed in, dad came down and ****ed me
Tuesday...got ****ed by dad
Wednesday...stayed in, dad ****ed me
Thursday...stayed in, got ****ed by dad.
Friday...stayed in, dad ****ed me.
[FONT=&quot]Saturday... Went to see St. Kilda play... wish I had stayed in.[/FONT]
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:thumbsu:
 
2 Poms were fitting out a shop with shelving when one said to the other " i bet some dumb Aussie comes past and asks what we are selling".

sure enough a Aussie walks past the shop and sticks his head in the door asking "hey boys what you selling"

the pommy says Assholes .

the Aussie says --- you must be doing good business only 2 left
 
A frog walks into a bar at lunch time hops up onto the bar stool and orders a pint and pie. The bar tender is gobsmacked!
The frog says "yeah yeah, I know, a talking frog right? Get over it. I've put up with it all my life. I'll give you one day to gawk and stare and after that I just want to be treated like everyone else."
The bartender does his best impersonation of a fish, just opening and shutting his mouth for a few seconds but finally blurts out "Yep, fair request"
The frog finishes his pie and beer and leaves.

The frog shows up the next day around lunch time, hops up onto the bar stool down the end and orders a pint and a pie. The bartender and frog give each other a nod and go about their business.

This continues for a week and the bartender, being a bartender strikes up a conversation with the frog.
"So what do you do for a living?"
"I'm a plasterer. Doing up the inside of the old hospital round the corner."
"Big building, you'll be there for a while. Nice to know I'll be getting some regular business."
"Yeah you and your staff have been the nicest about me being a frog. Not snide comment about fly flavoured pies." The frog nods. "I'll definitely be coming back."

A few fridays later the frog mentions that this will be the last time he'll be at the pub because he's just doing the final touches on his plastering work.
"I tell you what. Come in tomorrow anyways and I'll let you have a slice of pie for free. You've been a respectful customer, you don't swear or smoke. You don't spill your drinks or touch up the waitresses like the other tradies, so I'd like to encourage more folks like you to come here."
"That's mighty nice of you, for sure I'll see you tomorrow."

Saturday lunch time and the frog hops up onto his usual bar stool down the end.
"Let me guess? A pie and a pint?"
"Jeez you've got a good memory mate"
"Hey while you're waiting there's someone I'd like you to meet. He's from the circus and he thinks he's got some easy work for you for good coin."
"Circus you say? As in Lions, Tigers and Bears oh my?"
"Yeah they've got some elephants and horses as well."
"Sorry still a little confused. A circus? Clowns and trapeze?"
"Yep"
"Big tent with a hole in the top?"
"Yep"
"What the bloody hell does he want with a plasterer?"
 
A little red man is upstairs in the little red town house, when a girl guide selling cookies steps up on his little red welcome mat and rings his little red door bell.
Quickly wrapping a little red towel around himself he quickly runs down his little red stairs of his little red house and answers his little red door.
He agrees to buy some cookies from the girl guide but as he goes to turn to get his little red wallet, his little red towel slips and falls.
The girl guide screams and runs across the road but is hit by a car and killed.

The moral of the story :









Never cross the road while the little red man is flashing.
 
Two fish sitting in a tank.

One turns to the other one and says "you man the guns, I'll drive"
 

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Sebastian Balboa said:
One for the ladies:

Step 1: Get naked with your man
Step 2: Tie his arms and legs to each corner of the bed
Step 3: Put on your cowboy hat
Step 4: Tell him you have AIDS
Step 5: See how long you can stay on for.
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Football Pope said:
And one for the men..


This really works...

Step 1: Lock partner & dog in boot of car.
Step 2: Wait an Hour..
Step 3: Open Boot..
Step 4: Note which one is happier to see you...
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If you tilt your head back, poke your tongue out and pretend to shake salt as if you have the shaker in your hand, you can actually taste salt. Its some psychological trick.
 
A woman walks into a tattoo shop but she doesn't look like the tattoo type, so the man who's running the shop goes over to her. He says "Can I help you?" She says "Yes. On my left thigh I want a turkey with the word Thanksgiving above it, and on my right thigh I want an evergreen tree with the word Christmas above it." The man says "That's a strange request, may I ask why?" She says "I'm sick of my husband saying there's never anything good to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."
 
1. Obtain small lock. Open. Throw away key.
2. Sneak up behind hipster.
3. Lock through hole in ear.
4. Run like hell.
5. Profit?
 

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