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A guy walks into a bar wearing pyjamas, dressing gown and slippers, he heads up to the bar and orders a double scotch, bourbon on the rocks and a triple vodka. He says to the bartender: "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got.".... "Why, what have you got?" asks the bartender ..... "About Thirty cents." says the guy..[/FONT]
 
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, smoking and the effects on the human body, of staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? And who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."
 

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This is a physical gag but had me in hysterics.

Mate came up to me with a carton of milk and was waving it past my eyes, he asked me what it was. I just said milk.

He said "no, it is pasteurized milk"
 
Two Welsh girls drinking in a bar and an Englishman pulls up a stool and listens to them chat for a bit.
After a while he says to them
"Hi! Love your accents, are you two girls from Scotland?"
She replies, "Wales you ****wit! Wales!"
"I'm sorry luv, my mistake! Are you two whales from Scotland?"
 
MoscowHawk said:
Two Welsh girls drinking in a bar and an Englishman pulls up a stool and listens to them chat for a bit.
After a while he says to them
"Hi! Love your accents, are you two girls from Scotland?"
She replies, "Wales you ****wit! Wales!"
"I'm sorry luv, my mistake! Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Click to expand...

Definitely qualifies as a pearler in my book!
 
Two old, Victorian gentlemen meet up at an inn and start discussing their weekend over a few ales.
"Hey," says one, "You wouldn't believe what happened to me last night?"
"What's that?" says the other raising an eyebrow.
"Well, I was walking home from work and decided to take a shortcut by following the railway tracks and came across the most beautiful young lady tied up to a couple of sleepers. So I untied her, picked her up and carried her home. Then, I spent the whole night having sex....in the front, up the rear, over her breasts....you name it, we did it."
"Wow!" said the other, "And did you get pleased orally?"
"Unfortunately no....." he looked down into his drink. "I couldn't find her head see?"
 
There was an old guy wandering around the supermarket calling out, "Crisco, Crisssco!"

Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is in aisle five."

"Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife."

"Your wife is named "Crisco?"

"Nah," he answered, "I only call her that when we're out in public."

"Oh? What do you call her when you are at home?"

"Lard arse."
 
MoscowHawk said:
Two Welsh girls drinking in a bar and an Englishman pulls up a stool and listens to them chat for a bit.
After a while he says to them
"Hi! Love your accents, are you two girls from Scotland?"
She replies, "Wales you ****wit! Wales!"
"I'm sorry luv, my mistake! Are you two whales from Scotland?"
Click to expand...

:thumbsu:

I saw a Muslim bloke on the balcony of his second story flat shaking his carpet over the railing. I yelled out to him, "What's the matter, Abdul, won't the bloody thing start?"
 
A pilot finished his flight update to the passengers and inadvertantly left the microphone open. He says to his co-pilot "You know what I need now ... a blow-job and a coffee".

A stewardess hears this and runs quickly from the back of the plane.

A passenger says to her "Hey love, dont forget his coffee"
 
They have found Elizabeth Fritzl's diary.


Monday...stayed in, dad came down and ****ed me
Tuesday...got ****ed by dad
Wednesday...stayed in, dad ****ed me
Thursday...stayed in, got ****ed by dad.
Friday...stayed in, dad ****ed me.
[FONT=&quot]Saturday... Went to see St. Kilda play... wish I had stayed in.[/FONT]
 
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

“We can't stand the sight of each other any longer” the father says. “We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her.”

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they're getting divorced!” she shouts, “I'll take care of this!”

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father “You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. 'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'
 

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! :eek:Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
 
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine year old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well.
Inside the closet, the little boy says, “It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

“Yes it is,” the man replies.

“You wanna buy a baseball?” the little boy asks.

“No thanks,” the man replies.

“I think you do want to buy a baseball,” the little extortionist continues.

“OK. How much?” the man replies after considering the position he is in.

“Twenty-five dollars,” the little boy replies.

“TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!” the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position.

The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy.

“It’s dark in here, isn’t it?” the boy starts off.

“Yes it is,” replies the man.

“Wanna buy a baseball glove?” the little boy asks.

“OK. How much?” the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage.

“Fifty dollars,” the boy replies and the transaction is completed.

The next weekend, the little boy’s father says ”Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we’ll play some catch.”

“I can’t. I sold them,” replies the little boy.

“How much did you get for them?” asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy.

“Seventy-five dollars,” the little boy says.

“SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That’s thievery! I’m taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness,” the father explains as he hauls the child away.

At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says, ”It’s dark in here, isn’t it?”

The priest replies, “Don’t start that shit in here.”
 
A young bloke is out with his mates at a bar when he looks across the room and there, sitting in the corner, is the most beautiful girl he's ever seen. He finishes his pint, gathers himself and strolls over, but as he reaches her table he sees she's in a wheelchair. 'Oh well, I can't be a ******** and walk away now' he thinks, so he sits down and introduces himself. In no time at all, they're getting on famously, and they spend the rest of the night drinking, talking and laughing together. Closing time rolls around, and she asks if he wouldn't mind escorting her home. So, off they set through the darkened streets when sudddenly she asks him to stop and says:
'I have never made love to a man before, but I feel like tonight's the night. I feel like you're the one.'
'I feel the same way' he replies. 'But, erm, how would we do it?'
'Over there, see that church?' she says. 'You could hang me up on the railings...'
So he wheels her over, lifts her out of the chair and hooks her up, and they proceed to go at it like knives.
Afterwards, he takes her gently down, sets her in the chair and they continue on their way.
Finally they reach her house and the kid knocks on the door. A large, angry-looking man answers.
'Hi Dad', says the girl.
'I was, I was talking to your daughter tonight and I just wanted to make sure she got home safe' stammers the boy.
The father says nothing, just reaches into his jacket, pulls out his wallet and hands him $20.
'What's that for? I only brought her home' says the kid.
'Don't worry son', says the father. 'Most of the bastards leave her up there on the railings'
 
A very naive British sailor is in a bar in London. He meets a wild girl, and she takes him upstairs. She takes off her pants and her panties.

He looks between her legs, and he says, "What's that?"

She says, "It's me lower mouth."

He says, "What do you mean, 'your lower mouth?'"

She says, "Just what I said, it's me lower mouth. It's got a moustache... It's got lips..."

He asks, "Has it got a tongue in it?"

She says, "Not yet. . ."




Herb decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Herb that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at the maturity of a 12 year old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her sooo much. However, Herb felt this was also the time for him to open up and admit that he had a deformity too.

Herb looked Sandy in the eyes and said...."I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married."

She said, "Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant size penis."

Sandy and Herb got married and they could not wait for the honeymoon. Herb whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touching, teasing, holding one another...

As Sandy put her hands in Herb's pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room!

Herb ran after her to find out what was wrong.

She said, "You told me your penis was the size of an infant!"

Yes, it is.... 7 pounds, 3 ounces, 15 inches long.




An ageing gentlemen and clearly a perky younger woman are looking at necklaces in the Jewellery shop on a Friday afternoon.

The salesman asks if any assistance is needed. The gentlemen confirms and asks for some of the more expensive items.

To the clear delight of the young woman, a $50,000 necklace is agreed upon by the gentleman.

The Salesman asks as to how payment would be made. The gentleman replies that he would pay by cheque now, and would collect the necklace after the bank had cleared the cheque on the following Monday.

On the Monday, the now irate salesman complains to the mature gentleman on the phone that the $50,000 cheque had NOT been honoured by the bank. The gentleman replied "I understand your disappointment at the bad cheque, but let me tell you about the raunchy weekend I've just had!"
 
LOL. All three of those jokes are indeed pearlers.

Thanks.
 
Why doesn't Mexico ever do any good in the olympics??



A: Because anyone that can run swim or jump is already in America.
 
I went to New Zulland last summer, was driving in the country and came across a local on the side of the road who was giving it to a sheep.

I slowed down and shouted out the window " Hey mate, should you be shearing that?

He got angry and yelled back (in a kiwi accent) '**** of mete, I aint shearing her with anyone.'
 
US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman."

After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale."

The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?"

The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how easy it could be to get 100 camels back home."
 
A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him on the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'










A guy fell asleep on the beach in Florida for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked,
'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,
but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.




My girlfriend and I were making love when she looked up at me and said, "Make love to me like in the movies." So I turned her over on all fours, stuck it in her ass, pulled out, flipped her back over and came all over her face and hair. I never saw her again after that night. I guess we don't watch the same movies
 

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