VelvetSledge
Moderator
- May 24, 2007
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- Liverpool FC, Melbourne Storm
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- #1
ESSENDON BOMBERS
Jesus Christ, what the **** was that?
A frankly pitiful effort from almost everyone on the ground saw us open the 2022 season, our 150th, with one of the worst defeats imaginable to a ruthless Geelong.
The one shining light was 20-year old debutant Nic Martin, who was brilliant with 27 touches and 5 goals. Even if the boys didn't really get around him when he slotted his first. Hate to see that.
Captain Dyson Heppell had arguably the worst game of his storied career, whilst our non-existent forward line struggled to make any impact at all.
Then again, with delivery like that, you can't really be surprised.
Whilst prolific with 39 touches, Zach Merrett didn't seem to have a huge impact around the ground.
It was a baptism of fire for young Kaine Baldwin, with dogshit delivery into the forward 50 and a seriously strong Geelong defence knocking him around. He did, however, make it to some decent spots and proved to be a good physical block for the rest of the forwards. Even if they didn't do anything with it.
It's not even worth reviewing at depth, as it was just a seriously depressing effort first up.
Things were further compounded by a serious hamstring injury to Kyle Langford, who will now miss at least the first half of the season.
Piss.
GEELONG CATS 20.18 138
def.
ESSENDON BOMBERS 11.6 72
GOALS: Martin 5, Wright, Caldwell 2, Smith, Cutler
BEST: Martin, Cutler, Merrett, Shiel
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BRISBANE LIONS
Whilst they started slowly and were aided by multiple injuries to Port Adelaide, the Lions got the job done against the Power.
Trailing by 4 goals late in the third, looking scattered and lost, the Lions turned it on, largely in part to Joe "Judas Snake Dog" Daniher's 4 goals.
Whilst a majority of the side had little to no rhythm in their game, the one constant was Lachie Neale, who finished with 31 touches. This is especially bad considering he often murders us; so some momentum leading into our game is the last thing we need.
Zac Bailey is going to be a handful for a lot of teams this year, forming a dangerous small forward partnership with Charlie Cameron and Lincoln McCarthy.
Marcus Adams was the best defender on the ground and kept Port accountable in attack.
Unfortunately for Brisbane, Mitch Robinson found himself reported and suspended for a collision with Xavier Duursma in the first quarter that broke the Port wingman's collarbone. It wasn't a malicious action, just two players going hard at the ball - and certainly isn't deserving of a suspension.
I enjoyed Joe handballing on the siren and costing his team a goal.
I'd enjoy it more if it cost them the game.
BRISBANE LIONS 11.14 80
def.
PORT ADELAIDE 10.9 69
GOALS: Daniher 4, McCarthy, Fort 2, Cameron, McInerney, Bailey
BEST: Neale, McInerney, Adams, Daniher
ESSENDON EMERGENCIES: Brandon Zerk-Thatcher, Brayden Ham, Andrew Phillips, Tex Wanganeen
BRISBANE EMERGENCIES: Thomas Berry, Jaxon Prior, Tom Fullarton, Rhys Mathieson
LATE CHANGE: Dylan Shiel (Side strain) replaced in selected side by Brayden Ham
MILESTONE:
Jordan Ridley, Essendon - 50 GAMES
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Subs are announced one hour prior to bounce
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No change for the Lions this week, except for Mitch Robinson who, as mentioned before, has been suspended. There was some speculation on captain Dayne Zorko's fitness after a knock to the leg, but he's been cleared to line up.
Unfortunately, there has been some forced changes at the Hangar this week, with Kyle Langford's serious hamstring injury ruling the forward/midfielder out for half the season, and Nic Martin having to isolate under the AFL's health and safety protocols.
Durable midfielder Sam Durham has been recalled to the side to show a bit of ticker after the miserable showing we had last week. The former Richmond VFL player was brought to the club in the mid-season draft last year and was an instant hit; he looked every bit the AFL player and was hard as a cats head, so let's hope he shows the boys how to play this week. Aaron Francis is returning too, but will he play forward or back? He's overcome injury late in the pre-season and is back to fully fit. He's been training as a forward all summer, but has never really looked like it's his natural position - perhaps this will be the game where it gels and he can get on the scoresheet in a big way.
The big return is that of Jake Stringer; statistically, the best player in the league for the second half of 2021, the Package was flying all pre-season until a groin injury saw him miss our two warm-up matches and Round one due to poor conditioning. Let's just hope that all the hard work he's done over preseason shows a fitter, stronger, more lean Jake Stringer. He is genuine Brownlow potential when he's up, fit and firing, and judging by last weeks effort, we need all the help we can get.
Kaine Baldwin could consider himself stiff to be dropped this week after he never really got the chance to impress last week, but you'd find that most would agree with Brayden Ham's dropping to the twos. Whilst he has shown a bit from time to time, last week's effort simply wasn't good enough, and with his spot being the most replaceable, he'll play VFL this week. After being arguably one of our best players last week, Tom Cutler has moved into the starting lineup and we'll see either Ham, Zerk-Thatcher, Phillips or Wanganeen be our sub (with the latter on debut).
What kind of a hellscape is this, where we get the shit kicked out of us in Round one and suddenly, Carlton look like world-beaters? Last year's Grand Finalists in the Dogs are 0-2 and their coach cracked the shits at a journo. West Coast have about 3 players left, even after the whole Jack Darling sovereign citizen fiasco, and have to dip into the WAFL talent pool; even after that, they might have to rearrange some letters and grab some of the girls from the AFLW. So what else did we learn from Round 1?
The Cats might be old, but they're far from shite; they absolutely demolished us, and if it weren't for a wiry 20-year-old from Subiaco who we plucked from obscurity a few weeks ago, it would have been a hell of a lot worse. Tom Hawkins and Patrick Dangerfield are living proof that age is no limiting factor in the world of AFL, and that even the oldest, most decrepit player around can still kick the piss out of a team that simply weren't prepared - or drank their own bathwater. This extends out to Lance Franklin, who, in the 27th year of his current deal, is only four goals away from the magical 1000 goal mark. Perhaps herein lies a warning to those in charge at Channel 7 and FOXFooty, however - they went so hard with advertising Bud slotting the four-figure milestone that the game was, ultimately, a bit of a flop. Plenty of people watching at home, just in case, but a bit of a letdown. Don't be surprised to see him cop a solid injury this week and come back against us in Round 9, kicking his 1000th, just to piss in our drinks one last time.
There was plenty of discussion from Norf fans feeling that they were going to turn the corner and start getting some solid results from teams around their level, but Hawthorn, with a new coach (who is a midget bitch, but that's another story) and a new gameplan, made them look second-rate with a reasonably tidy 20 point win. Whilst Norf have been down the arse-end of the ladder for a few years now, so have the Suns, but their consistent early-season winning record looks set to continue into 2022. Whilst West Coast have been decimated by the spicy cough and Jack Darling reading too many Joe Rogan fan-fictions, they would have fancied their chances for an early win at home against the under-fire Suns. No sir, said Matt Rowell, with the ginger brick putting in a clear BOG performance and making the West Coast engine room look old and tired. The Eagles are properly cooked this year - even with the tribunal looking after Willie Rioli after making yet another stupid decision. At least this one was on the field.
Collingwood were tipped to have a fairly rapid slide down the ladder this year, but if there's one thing that we can count on, it's St Kilda shitting the bed and making themselves look like they've forgotten how to kick the thing. Again. Whilst they can take some solace upon the discovery of big Jack Hayes, who kicked 3 on debut, they'll be concerned over the fact that they may not be able to fit Paddy Ryder in the side with him. For the Pies, Nick Daicos made his debut and was totally shit. Didn't even kick 5 goals.
If Carlton keep winning I'm going to have to stop using the internet. Some people coming out of the woodwork claiming they're Carlton fans when I've never seen them claim that before.
Jeez I can't wait until they run out of steam in a couple months.
**** Carlton.
ROUND 5, 2021
GABBA
17/4/2021
BRISBANE LIONS 15.12 102
def.
ESSENDON BOMBERS 6.9 45
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BRISBANE GOALS: Hipwood 3, Neale, McCarthy, Daniher, McStay, Prior 2, Cameron, McCluggage
ESSENDON GOALS: Hooker 4, Stringer, McDonald-Tipungwuti
BRISBANE BEST: Neale, Lyons, Daniher, McCluggage
ESSENDON BEST: Merrett, McGrath, Hind, Hooker
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CHANGES SINCE LAST TIME:
BRISBANE OUTS: Robinson, Birchall, Lester, Prior, Hipwood, T. Berry
BRISBANE INS: Rayner, Cockatoo, Sharp, Fort, Answerth + Sub
ESSENDON OUTS: Langford, Snelling, Hooker, McDonald-Tipungwuti, Ham, Reid, Jones, Waterman
ESSENDON INS: Stewart, Kelly, Shiel, Draper, Caldwell, Cutler, Durham + Sub
Whilst I'd like to believe last week's abysmal effort was an aberration, the disgusting lack of effort leads me to believe that we're in for a very long afternoon.
Hopefully, I'm proven wrong.
Brisbane by 66.
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