West Coast 2018 Season Preview with Coach Simpson
What has your main focus been this pre-season?
"Shortly after the draft we remembered our midfield was pretty rubbish and we'd done nothing to counter that so we called for a whole of club strategic session to work out what key things we could do in the pre-season."
And what were those key things?"
"Like I said we've pretty much given up on improving our team in the middle of the field so we've instead shifted focus to outside the field."
Outside the field? What do you mean?"
"Well I think you've seen some of our measures in the media already. We're really proud of how innovative we've been with our thinking."
Sorry I'm not following, can you give us some examples?"
"The new pre-game ritual for instance. Fans will stand up prior to the bounce down. The injuries fans have encountered when rushing out of the ground early has been a big concern for us. Forcing them to stretch their legs just before the game should help minimise many of the issues we've seen... from pulled muscles to spilt glasses of chardonnay."
And your front row terms and conditions is another such measure?
"Yes! Very excited about that one. We wanted to optimise our collective crowd booing and locating only our own most weak minded fans that howl incessantly to sit closest to the action should help achieve that."
You also changed your logo in the off-season?
"Yes, we thought if we can't play like Hawthorn we can at least look like them in our marketing."
Have you got any other surprises before round 1?
"Yes! We've really listened to our fans over the off season and we're excited to announce we'll be offering Half Game Memberships later this week."
Half game memberships?
"Yes, our fans were fairly vocal about having to pay for a full game but only staying for half a game. So we thought why not offer them what they really want?"
But won't that impact your bottom line?
"Not at all. Have you seen our financials from last year? We're the most profitable sporting club in the universe."
I'm sure clubs around the world are all interested how you can underperform and still remain extremely profitable. How do you do it?
"It's pretty simple really. You just target a highly gullible fan base. There is a reason we call ourselves the e-gulls behind closed doors."
So you offer them hope and then string them along with misleading statements to keep them forking over the cash?
"Clearly you've been following our injury list reports (smirks). Technically we haven't lied because JK is also an acronym for just kidding."
What about Nic Knackeredknee? Will he play round 1?
"We have no idea, probably not but memberships rely a heap on the shoulders of that tall bastard, so we're saying he's playing."
Most people are predicting a massive slide for West Coast in 2018. What's your response to them?
"La la la la la la la la"
So where do you see yourselves on the ladder come the end of 2018?
"I read some pretty compelling arguments from our fans on BigFooty and their Premiers 2018 thread makes me feel gooey on the inside."
What about the loss of Matt Priddis and Sam Mitchell? Who is going to win the ball for you?
"Our fans were pretty adamant that although they were responsible for winning the ball they were way too slow so we wanted to replace them with faster guys that can't win their own football."
You mean like Redden and Yeo?
"We really liked how vanilla Redden looked when he played for Brisbane so it was a no brainer to recruit him. And it's been a long term strategy of ours to try and convert skinny flankers into midfielders."
You couldn't just draft actual midfielders instead?
"Yuck!"
Are you excited about any of your youngsters coming through?
"One of the other coaches finally explained the East Perth alignment to me the other day. It's unlikely we'll play any youth again this season but at least we know we have a larger pool of vanilla to choose from."
Is Luke Shuey going to struggle without anyone to extract the ball for him?
"We are very concerned about the umpires clamping down on dropping at the knees."
So less ducking, more sucking?
"La la la la la la la la"
Well good luck this season Adam.
"La la la la la la la la"
What has your main focus been this pre-season?
"Shortly after the draft we remembered our midfield was pretty rubbish and we'd done nothing to counter that so we called for a whole of club strategic session to work out what key things we could do in the pre-season."
And what were those key things?"
"Like I said we've pretty much given up on improving our team in the middle of the field so we've instead shifted focus to outside the field."
Outside the field? What do you mean?"
"Well I think you've seen some of our measures in the media already. We're really proud of how innovative we've been with our thinking."
Sorry I'm not following, can you give us some examples?"
"The new pre-game ritual for instance. Fans will stand up prior to the bounce down. The injuries fans have encountered when rushing out of the ground early has been a big concern for us. Forcing them to stretch their legs just before the game should help minimise many of the issues we've seen... from pulled muscles to spilt glasses of chardonnay."
And your front row terms and conditions is another such measure?
"Yes! Very excited about that one. We wanted to optimise our collective crowd booing and locating only our own most weak minded fans that howl incessantly to sit closest to the action should help achieve that."
You also changed your logo in the off-season?
"Yes, we thought if we can't play like Hawthorn we can at least look like them in our marketing."
Have you got any other surprises before round 1?
"Yes! We've really listened to our fans over the off season and we're excited to announce we'll be offering Half Game Memberships later this week."
Half game memberships?
"Yes, our fans were fairly vocal about having to pay for a full game but only staying for half a game. So we thought why not offer them what they really want?"
But won't that impact your bottom line?
"Not at all. Have you seen our financials from last year? We're the most profitable sporting club in the universe."
I'm sure clubs around the world are all interested how you can underperform and still remain extremely profitable. How do you do it?
"It's pretty simple really. You just target a highly gullible fan base. There is a reason we call ourselves the e-gulls behind closed doors."
So you offer them hope and then string them along with misleading statements to keep them forking over the cash?
"Clearly you've been following our injury list reports (smirks). Technically we haven't lied because JK is also an acronym for just kidding."
What about Nic Knackeredknee? Will he play round 1?
"We have no idea, probably not but memberships rely a heap on the shoulders of that tall bastard, so we're saying he's playing."
Most people are predicting a massive slide for West Coast in 2018. What's your response to them?
"La la la la la la la la"
So where do you see yourselves on the ladder come the end of 2018?
"I read some pretty compelling arguments from our fans on BigFooty and their Premiers 2018 thread makes me feel gooey on the inside."
What about the loss of Matt Priddis and Sam Mitchell? Who is going to win the ball for you?
"Our fans were pretty adamant that although they were responsible for winning the ball they were way too slow so we wanted to replace them with faster guys that can't win their own football."
You mean like Redden and Yeo?
"We really liked how vanilla Redden looked when he played for Brisbane so it was a no brainer to recruit him. And it's been a long term strategy of ours to try and convert skinny flankers into midfielders."
You couldn't just draft actual midfielders instead?
"Yuck!"
Are you excited about any of your youngsters coming through?
"One of the other coaches finally explained the East Perth alignment to me the other day. It's unlikely we'll play any youth again this season but at least we know we have a larger pool of vanilla to choose from."
Is Luke Shuey going to struggle without anyone to extract the ball for him?
"We are very concerned about the umpires clamping down on dropping at the knees."
So less ducking, more sucking?
"La la la la la la la la"
Well good luck this season Adam.
"La la la la la la la la"
