“Who keeps the Tigers off their flights, who rigs every Fixture night, we do, we do!”- Ominous chanting heard by roving reporters in the depths of AFL house
“There’s only two things I love in this world- everybody and television ratings”- Gil on the absurdity of sending teams from a clean state to Covidtoria to play
Yes, I'm not above stealing memes, in 2020 there are no consequences
There are Millions and Millions of Stars in Your Eyes
This fixture is like a candle in the wind… unreliable.
One minute you’re writing an entertaining treatise on the extinction of the Sumatran Tiger and drawing complex parallels between deforestation and the abandonment of Dan Butler, the next you’re putting away the topographical maps and pulling out the record player to bang on To Be Kind because it turns out we’re actually playing the Swans.
Which, if you’ve never listened to a two hour long experimental rock album before, it’s roughly the equivalent of watching the last three games we’ve played all at once while being serenaded by the Devil. Who is Dwayne Russell. Who keeps ominously mentioning things like ‘party time’ and ‘safe word’.
Like trying to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of several amorous co-workers, there’s a feeling of instability and unease about the future. Both for our club, and the season itself. Has there ever been a time in human history with more uncertainty? If you don’t count most of it, no.
Also isn’t it great to be playing a home game at the stadium of one of the other 17 teams? The one that is literally the furthest away from our own? The AFL would consider a Wuhan hub before they’d move the Victorians. And they’ll probably still play the Grand Final at the MCG even if there’s a 2-week quarantine beforehand. #EatTheMCC #notbitter
This is for the 2 people who've heard of To Be Kind
Simpson and Delilah
If you were a hippie home-schooled anti-vaxxer, or even worse went to a non-religious school and worshipped at the false idols of Karls Sagan and Marx you may not be familiar with the story of Samson and Delilah. But I’m not here to hold your hand, so I’m going to press ahead with the analogy anyway.
Samson, fresh off a delightful slaughtering spree using the jawbone of a donkey (see 2018 Grand Final) finds himself in the company of Delilah (fixture boss Travis Auld). She is paid by the Philistines (AFL) to discover the weakness of their unbeatable enemy. After joking about being tied up with ropes or having his hair tied to a loom the bizarrely patient Samson finally lets slip that cutting off his hair will remove his strength.
Well our strength has been removed. All of it.
The combination of interstate staycation, greasy conditions and a lack of PlayStation controllers has seen the glorious hub dream devolve into a Lord of The Flies-esque horror show.
We have never been a good contested ball team, but we’ve gotten even worse. We relied heavily on a kick and mark controlling style and being devastatingly accurate when getting the ball inside the forward 50. Faith in the kick and mark style has been replaced with a hit and hope strategy, there is little support running and our senior forwards in Darling, Kennedy and Cripps are hopelessly out of form.
But no need to panic. In the end, Samson pushes over the pillars of the temple and crushes the foes behind him. I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor for the dismantling of the whole economic system or just the AFL, but I’m seeing a big finish somewhere along the line, comrades.
And there was much rejoicing
Sydney
There’s a reason I wanted to pick the Richmond game to preview- Richmond are amusing. You can make fun of the fact they don’t travel well or how Trent Cotchin won’t enter a hub without his hair stylist. Crisp, timely jokes like that which you anti-VFL types lap up with glee.
What can you say about Sydney though? I couldn’t even be bothered to think of a funny title for this segment. Not even an unfunny pun or something either, I literally just wrote Sydney, but you probably already read that. Sydney is like unflavoured yogurt washed down with a tepid glass of tap water while watching Matlock reruns.
Bring back the Swanettes. I guess that’s amusing, sort of. Buddy Franklin likes COLA. Kind of amusing, there’s a subtle play on words there which I’ve left as an exercise for the reader. Basically, if Sydney aren’t up there contending for a premiership you almost forget they exist. Their gameplan is stale and boring, they haven’t done anything crazy like change the coach or rebrand the club since the 80s. Their most marketable player when Buddy Franklin is out is Tom Papley who wears his Carlton uniform by accident half the time.
Does Pinhead Sinclair still play for them?
They’re a middle of the road team playing middle of the road football, with a middle of the road list and a middle of the road coach. If you accidently bought zesty mayonnaise into the club they’d probably freak out. There’s more interest for me in the latest issue of Roomba Monthly than in anything the Swans have done since 1933.
And I haven’t forgiven you for banning me from your board 13 years ago.
The only man who still remembers a Sydney team that people cared about
The Stats That Matter, The Boring Part That Doesn’t Make You Laugh
If you don’t want to know the score, look away now. I’m serious, look away now.
West Coast Sydney
Tackles 15th 1st
Contested Possessions 16th 7th
Disposals 11th 14th
Marks 7th 11th
Disposal Efficiency 17th 11th
Hitouts 2nd 4th
Clearances 8th 3rd
Inside 50s 14th 8th
Marks Inside 50 15th 7th
Tackles Inside 50 15th 1st
Inside 50 Efficiency 10th 9th
If you look at those numbers, it’s clear we have a few problems. Namely, we don’t win it, we can’t get it back, and if we do we can’t use it. Apart from that everything is going perfectly.
Look at the line of stats starting with Hitouts. We win the ball at hitouts very well, but that only translates into a middle of the road clearance number, and that translates into a bottom of the pack inside 50, marks and inside 50 tackle numbers. It’s a broken system moving the ball forward and scoring.
Compare previous years at converting inside 50s to goals
2020- 19.5%, 17th in the AFL
2019- 25.5%, 1st
2018- 25.1%, 1st
2017- 25.9%, 5th
2016- 27.4%, 2nd
2015- 27.6%, 2nd
2014- 26.8%, 2nd
Despite what many people think about our intercept marking, kick and mark and whatever else, the main consistent feature of our gameplay under Simpson has been EFFICIENCY INSIDE 50. This was often down to two primary factors
The other main issue is that disposal efficiency. When we win the ball in the backline we are often turning it over in the middle, or turning it straight over from a clearance. Then our lack of accountability and tackling pressure leads to a lot of inside 50s the other way.
Basically, we’re dirt right now. And not the fancy store bought kind either.
I have taken the liberty of putting a giant oval around our problem areas, marked in green (poor), blue (bad) and red (struggling)
In The End, It Doesn’t Even Matter?
Will we win this game? If we win, does it start our season revival? What will the season even look like going forward? Will the season even finish?
So many questions to ponder. Our players didn’t even know until last week when they were meant to be finishing the Queensland hub. I don’t like to make excuses for our team, but there is a real sense from watching them that they are underprepared and mentally not focused on the job. I don’t blame them for that, but it is extremely hard to watch and I fear that by the time we enter our cozy Perth home we might have lost the season already.
But **** Sydney, so Eagles by 102.
“There’s only two things I love in this world- everybody and television ratings”- Gil on the absurdity of sending teams from a clean state to Covidtoria to play
Yes, I'm not above stealing memes, in 2020 there are no consequences
There are Millions and Millions of Stars in Your Eyes
This fixture is like a candle in the wind… unreliable.
One minute you’re writing an entertaining treatise on the extinction of the Sumatran Tiger and drawing complex parallels between deforestation and the abandonment of Dan Butler, the next you’re putting away the topographical maps and pulling out the record player to bang on To Be Kind because it turns out we’re actually playing the Swans.
Which, if you’ve never listened to a two hour long experimental rock album before, it’s roughly the equivalent of watching the last three games we’ve played all at once while being serenaded by the Devil. Who is Dwayne Russell. Who keeps ominously mentioning things like ‘party time’ and ‘safe word’.
Like trying to navigate the emotional rollercoaster of several amorous co-workers, there’s a feeling of instability and unease about the future. Both for our club, and the season itself. Has there ever been a time in human history with more uncertainty? If you don’t count most of it, no.
Also isn’t it great to be playing a home game at the stadium of one of the other 17 teams? The one that is literally the furthest away from our own? The AFL would consider a Wuhan hub before they’d move the Victorians. And they’ll probably still play the Grand Final at the MCG even if there’s a 2-week quarantine beforehand. #EatTheMCC #notbitter
This is for the 2 people who've heard of To Be Kind
Simpson and Delilah
If you were a hippie home-schooled anti-vaxxer, or even worse went to a non-religious school and worshipped at the false idols of Karls Sagan and Marx you may not be familiar with the story of Samson and Delilah. But I’m not here to hold your hand, so I’m going to press ahead with the analogy anyway.
Samson, fresh off a delightful slaughtering spree using the jawbone of a donkey (see 2018 Grand Final) finds himself in the company of Delilah (fixture boss Travis Auld). She is paid by the Philistines (AFL) to discover the weakness of their unbeatable enemy. After joking about being tied up with ropes or having his hair tied to a loom the bizarrely patient Samson finally lets slip that cutting off his hair will remove his strength.
Well our strength has been removed. All of it.
The combination of interstate staycation, greasy conditions and a lack of PlayStation controllers has seen the glorious hub dream devolve into a Lord of The Flies-esque horror show.
We have never been a good contested ball team, but we’ve gotten even worse. We relied heavily on a kick and mark controlling style and being devastatingly accurate when getting the ball inside the forward 50. Faith in the kick and mark style has been replaced with a hit and hope strategy, there is little support running and our senior forwards in Darling, Kennedy and Cripps are hopelessly out of form.
But no need to panic. In the end, Samson pushes over the pillars of the temple and crushes the foes behind him. I’m not sure if that’s a metaphor for the dismantling of the whole economic system or just the AFL, but I’m seeing a big finish somewhere along the line, comrades.
And there was much rejoicing
Sydney
There’s a reason I wanted to pick the Richmond game to preview- Richmond are amusing. You can make fun of the fact they don’t travel well or how Trent Cotchin won’t enter a hub without his hair stylist. Crisp, timely jokes like that which you anti-VFL types lap up with glee.
What can you say about Sydney though? I couldn’t even be bothered to think of a funny title for this segment. Not even an unfunny pun or something either, I literally just wrote Sydney, but you probably already read that. Sydney is like unflavoured yogurt washed down with a tepid glass of tap water while watching Matlock reruns.
Bring back the Swanettes. I guess that’s amusing, sort of. Buddy Franklin likes COLA. Kind of amusing, there’s a subtle play on words there which I’ve left as an exercise for the reader. Basically, if Sydney aren’t up there contending for a premiership you almost forget they exist. Their gameplan is stale and boring, they haven’t done anything crazy like change the coach or rebrand the club since the 80s. Their most marketable player when Buddy Franklin is out is Tom Papley who wears his Carlton uniform by accident half the time.
Does Pinhead Sinclair still play for them?
They’re a middle of the road team playing middle of the road football, with a middle of the road list and a middle of the road coach. If you accidently bought zesty mayonnaise into the club they’d probably freak out. There’s more interest for me in the latest issue of Roomba Monthly than in anything the Swans have done since 1933.
And I haven’t forgiven you for banning me from your board 13 years ago.
The only man who still remembers a Sydney team that people cared about
The Stats That Matter, The Boring Part That Doesn’t Make You Laugh
If you don’t want to know the score, look away now. I’m serious, look away now.
West Coast Sydney
Tackles 15th 1st
Contested Possessions 16th 7th
Disposals 11th 14th
Marks 7th 11th
Disposal Efficiency 17th 11th
Hitouts 2nd 4th
Clearances 8th 3rd
Inside 50s 14th 8th
Marks Inside 50 15th 7th
Tackles Inside 50 15th 1st
Inside 50 Efficiency 10th 9th
If you look at those numbers, it’s clear we have a few problems. Namely, we don’t win it, we can’t get it back, and if we do we can’t use it. Apart from that everything is going perfectly.
Look at the line of stats starting with Hitouts. We win the ball at hitouts very well, but that only translates into a middle of the road clearance number, and that translates into a bottom of the pack inside 50, marks and inside 50 tackle numbers. It’s a broken system moving the ball forward and scoring.
Compare previous years at converting inside 50s to goals
2020- 19.5%, 17th in the AFL
2019- 25.5%, 1st
2018- 25.1%, 1st
2017- 25.9%, 5th
2016- 27.4%, 2nd
2015- 27.6%, 2nd
2014- 26.8%, 2nd
Despite what many people think about our intercept marking, kick and mark and whatever else, the main consistent feature of our gameplay under Simpson has been EFFICIENCY INSIDE 50. This was often down to two primary factors
- Excellent key forwards who are accurate kicks
- Tackling pressure inside 50 from both talls and smalls
The other main issue is that disposal efficiency. When we win the ball in the backline we are often turning it over in the middle, or turning it straight over from a clearance. Then our lack of accountability and tackling pressure leads to a lot of inside 50s the other way.
Basically, we’re dirt right now. And not the fancy store bought kind either.
I have taken the liberty of putting a giant oval around our problem areas, marked in green (poor), blue (bad) and red (struggling)
In The End, It Doesn’t Even Matter?
Will we win this game? If we win, does it start our season revival? What will the season even look like going forward? Will the season even finish?
So many questions to ponder. Our players didn’t even know until last week when they were meant to be finishing the Queensland hub. I don’t like to make excuses for our team, but there is a real sense from watching them that they are underprepared and mentally not focused on the job. I don’t blame them for that, but it is extremely hard to watch and I fear that by the time we enter our cozy Perth home we might have lost the season already.
But **** Sydney, so Eagles by 102.
