- Banned
- #1
Good morning all,
I am honoured and excited this morning to be able to present to you this Masterclass in AFL player trading, courtesy of Fremantle FC. This powerhouse of the AFL, who will certainly one day maybe make a Grand Final, have allowed me an inside peak into the way they conduct their trading of players during trade week.
Sit back, listen up, and concentrate, for this is a rare opportunity to glimpse the masterful minds behind the trading at Fremantle FC.
-------------------------------------------
Step 1
Identify your player. This should be a player you need, you want, and wants to play for you. Ideally, being a smaller city than Melbourne and Sydney, if this player is from Perth, it's perfect. The perfect situation here is to find a player who wants to come home, one who has been recruited by an interstate club, but for reasons like family or homesickness or their cousin being a criminal about to get out of prison, wants to come back to Perth. That means they won't entertain offers from other clubs. Then, if they're out of contract, well, it's your birthday, the situation is perfect. These situations are rare, but if you get someone who wants to come home, wants to play for you, is out of contract, and who you want - with your current coach having actively pursued him prior.... that's ideal.
Step 2
Court the player. Find out what he wants, monetarily, make sure you can pay it. Talk to him, indicate that it's a done deal, get him onside. Now, you're really in the dominant spot. In this battle between two male Lions, you are on top of the weaker challenger and you have his throat in your mouth. You've got the player, you've got the money, you've scared off all rivals, now it's just time to deliver the final blow.
Step 3
Find out what the other team wants for him. Say they want Pick 16 + a player or access to a prelisted player through another club. Find that out, and immediately dismiss it, publically. "Pick 16 is not on the table", is what you should say to the press. Make sure they know there is no chance at all that the other side is going to get what they desire.
Step 4
Make an offer. It should be pitiful, one that almost makes you laugh as you present it. 2nd round pick, for example. Make the offer, and as you do so shrug your shoulders and say, "take it or leave it, we don't care."
Step 5
While the other team ponders your offer, release a press statement on the player's behalf stating that he will go nowhere but your club - this will frighten other clubs away and will weaken the position of his current club. Luke Ball did it with Collingwood, you can do it too. "He'll go to the PSD," you say to people, "and we'll get him for nothing. The other club will lose. Take our offer or we'll steal him for nothing. It's win-win for us."
Step 6
If necessary, when the other club reject your offer (which they probably will), increase it, but just slightly. You are not being weak here, you are giving the illusion of being fair. In reality, you are still sticking it to them big time with a non-lubed dildo, but you're pretending that you're being fair. You can even pretend to be magnanimous. "OK, OK!" you can say, hands raised to the air, "We'll come to the party! Have our pick 20! You're robbing us! You're robbing us! But have it!"
Step 7
By now, as they ponder your most recent offer, twilight is closing in on trade week. Time is running out. The other club must now either accept your soft offer, or they will get nothing. Your player, who you want, need, and who wants to come to you, will go to the PSD, and you'll get him for free. Make sure you keep reminding them of that, as they ponder your offer.
Step 8
Take a nap, as another club comes in with a late offer. Now, your player is getting nervous. He doesn't want to go into the PSD - contrary to the shit you pedalled on your website - because GWS may pick him up, and no one in their right mind wants to live in Western Sydney. You may as well shoot yourself in the head. So, your player is getting nervous about GWS, and an offer from an interstate - probably Melbourne - club comes. He's nervous because his initial club aren't looking like taking your pitiful offer. They may have realised that your offer was not up to scratch. Maybe they weren't lying when they said they wanted, say, pick 16 + something. Now they're looking unlikely to take your offer, and the player is nervy about lebbos in Penrith.
Step 9
Lose the player to the Melbourne based club. Wait, wut?
Step 10
Backpedal!! Backpedal!! Backpedal!! Really, you never wanted him. You're glad he's not a Docker now. He wanted too much money. We're too tall. The other club were unreasonable. The club did the right thing. We are trading geniuses once again, because in the end this was the right thing. We did not get our player, that we wanted, who wanted to come to us, only us, that our coach really wanted, and who was out of contract - we did not get him, but that's OK because we didn't actually want him after all. That's the genius of it. We're still looking rosy out of it all, all praise the mighty Fremantle trading department, what an omniscient, wise bunch we are.
----------------
Thankyou to the Fremantle FC for providing me with that dossier of how to trade. Most enlightening indeed.
I am honoured and excited this morning to be able to present to you this Masterclass in AFL player trading, courtesy of Fremantle FC. This powerhouse of the AFL, who will certainly one day maybe make a Grand Final, have allowed me an inside peak into the way they conduct their trading of players during trade week.
Sit back, listen up, and concentrate, for this is a rare opportunity to glimpse the masterful minds behind the trading at Fremantle FC.
-------------------------------------------
Step 1
Identify your player. This should be a player you need, you want, and wants to play for you. Ideally, being a smaller city than Melbourne and Sydney, if this player is from Perth, it's perfect. The perfect situation here is to find a player who wants to come home, one who has been recruited by an interstate club, but for reasons like family or homesickness or their cousin being a criminal about to get out of prison, wants to come back to Perth. That means they won't entertain offers from other clubs. Then, if they're out of contract, well, it's your birthday, the situation is perfect. These situations are rare, but if you get someone who wants to come home, wants to play for you, is out of contract, and who you want - with your current coach having actively pursued him prior.... that's ideal.
Step 2
Court the player. Find out what he wants, monetarily, make sure you can pay it. Talk to him, indicate that it's a done deal, get him onside. Now, you're really in the dominant spot. In this battle between two male Lions, you are on top of the weaker challenger and you have his throat in your mouth. You've got the player, you've got the money, you've scared off all rivals, now it's just time to deliver the final blow.
Step 3
Find out what the other team wants for him. Say they want Pick 16 + a player or access to a prelisted player through another club. Find that out, and immediately dismiss it, publically. "Pick 16 is not on the table", is what you should say to the press. Make sure they know there is no chance at all that the other side is going to get what they desire.
Step 4
Make an offer. It should be pitiful, one that almost makes you laugh as you present it. 2nd round pick, for example. Make the offer, and as you do so shrug your shoulders and say, "take it or leave it, we don't care."
Step 5
While the other team ponders your offer, release a press statement on the player's behalf stating that he will go nowhere but your club - this will frighten other clubs away and will weaken the position of his current club. Luke Ball did it with Collingwood, you can do it too. "He'll go to the PSD," you say to people, "and we'll get him for nothing. The other club will lose. Take our offer or we'll steal him for nothing. It's win-win for us."
Step 6
If necessary, when the other club reject your offer (which they probably will), increase it, but just slightly. You are not being weak here, you are giving the illusion of being fair. In reality, you are still sticking it to them big time with a non-lubed dildo, but you're pretending that you're being fair. You can even pretend to be magnanimous. "OK, OK!" you can say, hands raised to the air, "We'll come to the party! Have our pick 20! You're robbing us! You're robbing us! But have it!"
Step 7
By now, as they ponder your most recent offer, twilight is closing in on trade week. Time is running out. The other club must now either accept your soft offer, or they will get nothing. Your player, who you want, need, and who wants to come to you, will go to the PSD, and you'll get him for free. Make sure you keep reminding them of that, as they ponder your offer.
Step 8
Take a nap, as another club comes in with a late offer. Now, your player is getting nervous. He doesn't want to go into the PSD - contrary to the shit you pedalled on your website - because GWS may pick him up, and no one in their right mind wants to live in Western Sydney. You may as well shoot yourself in the head. So, your player is getting nervous about GWS, and an offer from an interstate - probably Melbourne - club comes. He's nervous because his initial club aren't looking like taking your pitiful offer. They may have realised that your offer was not up to scratch. Maybe they weren't lying when they said they wanted, say, pick 16 + something. Now they're looking unlikely to take your offer, and the player is nervy about lebbos in Penrith.
Step 9
Lose the player to the Melbourne based club. Wait, wut?
Step 10
Backpedal!! Backpedal!! Backpedal!! Really, you never wanted him. You're glad he's not a Docker now. He wanted too much money. We're too tall. The other club were unreasonable. The club did the right thing. We are trading geniuses once again, because in the end this was the right thing. We did not get our player, that we wanted, who wanted to come to us, only us, that our coach really wanted, and who was out of contract - we did not get him, but that's OK because we didn't actually want him after all. That's the genius of it. We're still looking rosy out of it all, all praise the mighty Fremantle trading department, what an omniscient, wise bunch we are.
----------------
Thankyou to the Fremantle FC for providing me with that dossier of how to trade. Most enlightening indeed.
