David Mensch
Senior List
Hi Cat fans, Menschy here.
You all know I hate to talk about myself, but I want to tell you about another weird dream I had last night. It started off in the gym at Kardinia Park. I had just put my Vanilla Ice cd into the sound system and was about to get on the benchpress to set yet another world record, when Kevin Sheedy walked in. He was shaking his head from side to side.
"It's those bloody Martians again!", he muttered. I wasn't impressed at the interruption.
"Don't bother me now you old fool, I'm in a zone."
"But Menschy, you may be the only one who can save us!". If I had a dollar for every time I had heard that!
"Oh, for the love of...alright then, where are they?"
I followed Kevin from the gym out on to the ground. He wanted to hold my hand as we walked but I wouldn't let him. A spaceship had landed on the center bounce area, and there were several Martians standing around outside it. They were short and white, with beady, black eyes (see my detailed drawing below). Brent Grgic was nearby, annoying the Martians with his constant demands to receive an anal probe. I approached the ship to find out what was going on and one of the Martians told me that God was on board and he wanted to see me.
So I stepped inside the spaceship and sitting in this huge chair in front of me was God. He was a fairly old guy and he smelled a bit like stale Salada crackers. Most people would be overawed by meeting God, but I have met Harold from Neighbors before, so I was able to draw on that experience to prepare for this. Besides, I had a few things to say to him myself.
"Hey God, thanks for making me so good looking, but i'm telling you mate, if you don't let my team win a premiership soon, I am fair dinkum going to knuckle you. And while we're on it, what was the deal with Collingwood in 1990!?"
"Yeah, I know, I f**ked up there. But I made up for it afterwards by making Tony Shaw the coach. And they'll get more of the same in 2014 when Rupert Betheras takes over. But anyway Menschy, I have something very serious to discuss.The reason that I want to speak to you is that you are ruining women for other men. Women look at you with your verility and steamy sexuality, and they lose all interest in their husbands who appear feeble in comparison. Frankly David, your sex appeal is threatening the perpetuation of the human species."
"Hmmm...I've noticed this myself. I was wondering when it would become an issue. What can I do about it?"
"It won't be easy, but you're going to have to become less attractive."
"But God, the Mensch Express is on a one-way street here fella, there's no going in the other direction!"
"No, no David you're going to have to! I've already made the arrangements for you to gradually resemble Chad Morgan, and as a safeguard I'm going to give you Sam Newman's disease ridden penis. Don't worry though, your outstanding ability as a footballer will remain intact."
"Well......I guess that's fair enough. I've had it good for a long time now. But can you do me one favour? I'm having this problem with Bomber Thompson at the moment and I was hoping you could...."
"Er, I'm afraid I have some bad news Menschy." God interrupted. "You won't have to worry about Bomber much longer. Sadly, he'll be leaving you soon and moving on to a better place."
"You mean.....HEAVEN?"
"No, Brisbane, he'll be taking over from Leigh Matthews. Anyway, that's all I have time for; the Martians and I have to get this pile of ship out of here."
"Ha ha, yeah, that gives me the ships!"
"Well that's not funny. You just took my joke and used it in a slightly different context."
"Damn!"
I guess when you're funny 99% of the time you are also not funny 1% of the time. I said goodbye to God and left the ship. Kevin Sheedy and Brent Grgic were breakdancing to some Village People music and I decided to join in. To my horror I was out of time with the music and my moves lacked the usual flow; I was a bad dancer!!! That was when I woke up in a cold sweat. Immediately I jumped up and checked my face in the mirror. Rugged good looks still there. I dropped the pygama bottoms to check Little David for Syphilis. The usual rash was still there, but no sign of pus or scabs. Finally I switch the radio on to TT FM - Livin' La Vida Loca was playing; could this be a sign? A few quick hip gyrations and arm waves and I had established that the magic never left me, baby.
I laid down and let out a sigh of relief. It had been a very traumatic dream. The next time Gary Ablett offers me some cake I think I'll just pass.
see ya
Cat attack, GO CATS!
Cat attack, GEELONG!
You all know I hate to talk about myself, but I want to tell you about another weird dream I had last night. It started off in the gym at Kardinia Park. I had just put my Vanilla Ice cd into the sound system and was about to get on the benchpress to set yet another world record, when Kevin Sheedy walked in. He was shaking his head from side to side.
"It's those bloody Martians again!", he muttered. I wasn't impressed at the interruption.
"Don't bother me now you old fool, I'm in a zone."
"But Menschy, you may be the only one who can save us!". If I had a dollar for every time I had heard that!
"Oh, for the love of...alright then, where are they?"
I followed Kevin from the gym out on to the ground. He wanted to hold my hand as we walked but I wouldn't let him. A spaceship had landed on the center bounce area, and there were several Martians standing around outside it. They were short and white, with beady, black eyes (see my detailed drawing below). Brent Grgic was nearby, annoying the Martians with his constant demands to receive an anal probe. I approached the ship to find out what was going on and one of the Martians told me that God was on board and he wanted to see me.
So I stepped inside the spaceship and sitting in this huge chair in front of me was God. He was a fairly old guy and he smelled a bit like stale Salada crackers. Most people would be overawed by meeting God, but I have met Harold from Neighbors before, so I was able to draw on that experience to prepare for this. Besides, I had a few things to say to him myself.
"Hey God, thanks for making me so good looking, but i'm telling you mate, if you don't let my team win a premiership soon, I am fair dinkum going to knuckle you. And while we're on it, what was the deal with Collingwood in 1990!?"
"Yeah, I know, I f**ked up there. But I made up for it afterwards by making Tony Shaw the coach. And they'll get more of the same in 2014 when Rupert Betheras takes over. But anyway Menschy, I have something very serious to discuss.The reason that I want to speak to you is that you are ruining women for other men. Women look at you with your verility and steamy sexuality, and they lose all interest in their husbands who appear feeble in comparison. Frankly David, your sex appeal is threatening the perpetuation of the human species."
"Hmmm...I've noticed this myself. I was wondering when it would become an issue. What can I do about it?"
"It won't be easy, but you're going to have to become less attractive."
"But God, the Mensch Express is on a one-way street here fella, there's no going in the other direction!"
"No, no David you're going to have to! I've already made the arrangements for you to gradually resemble Chad Morgan, and as a safeguard I'm going to give you Sam Newman's disease ridden penis. Don't worry though, your outstanding ability as a footballer will remain intact."
"Well......I guess that's fair enough. I've had it good for a long time now. But can you do me one favour? I'm having this problem with Bomber Thompson at the moment and I was hoping you could...."
"Er, I'm afraid I have some bad news Menschy." God interrupted. "You won't have to worry about Bomber much longer. Sadly, he'll be leaving you soon and moving on to a better place."
"You mean.....HEAVEN?"
"No, Brisbane, he'll be taking over from Leigh Matthews. Anyway, that's all I have time for; the Martians and I have to get this pile of ship out of here."
"Ha ha, yeah, that gives me the ships!"
"Well that's not funny. You just took my joke and used it in a slightly different context."
"Damn!"
I guess when you're funny 99% of the time you are also not funny 1% of the time. I said goodbye to God and left the ship. Kevin Sheedy and Brent Grgic were breakdancing to some Village People music and I decided to join in. To my horror I was out of time with the music and my moves lacked the usual flow; I was a bad dancer!!! That was when I woke up in a cold sweat. Immediately I jumped up and checked my face in the mirror. Rugged good looks still there. I dropped the pygama bottoms to check Little David for Syphilis. The usual rash was still there, but no sign of pus or scabs. Finally I switch the radio on to TT FM - Livin' La Vida Loca was playing; could this be a sign? A few quick hip gyrations and arm waves and I had established that the magic never left me, baby.
I laid down and let out a sigh of relief. It had been a very traumatic dream. The next time Gary Ablett offers me some cake I think I'll just pass.
see ya
Cat attack, GO CATS!
Cat attack, GEELONG!
