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Off-topic Bay 13 Survivor: Cockburn (2016). We have a winner! (links in OP)
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DapperJong
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Wait, there's... Alliances?
**** you campaigners
**** you campaigners
“Challenge #1 entry.”
I woke up to the feeling of the world shaking. Oh no! It's a sign of the apocalypse - Richmond must have won a final!! Wait... maybe it's just an earthquake? I opened my eyes to instead see a person - a real live person - shaking my shoulder.
It's been so long since I've seen someone real. After countless auditions, I had achieved my lifelong goal of being a contestant on Survivor. But that didn't last long. I was voted off almost immediately and sent to Not Yet Convicted Island. I'd always assumed they'd just send you home but I was wrong. I've lost count of the days I've spent here. The only news I've seen has been from random newspaper sheets that have floated in on the wind, the last one dated 4th October 2015. On one side was a picture I'll treasure forever. My love, Nat Fyfe, shirtless, with a Brownlow medal around his neck. Freo must've had an amazing season! The back was covered in so much goo. I was able to clean most of it off but the only words left legible were "Peat... good bloke". No idea what that means.
I'd been scratching a tally of days passed on the back of my turtle. Unfortunately he was stolen and replaced with a note:
I'm not falling for that one again.... again....
again.
Speaking of Bombres, the guy in front of me looked familiar. He was wearing an Essendon shirt, but this was someone else. He was holding a beer in one hand and had a needle stuck in his arm. Around his neck was a medal similar to the one in my Nat Fyfe picture, but this one seemed somehow tarnished.
Strange man: "Hi! I'm Jobe Watson. I need to use the oval. Can you leave now?"
Allikat: "Oval? What oval? This is NYC Island"
Jobe: "No. This is Essendon's training base. You've been sleeping in the middle of our ground"
Allikat: "But I've been here almost a year, why haven't you trained in that time?"
Jobe: "You have to understand there's something more important in life than football - and that's the Ashes"
Allikat: "I do love it when we beat England"
Jobe: "I can't remember that information. In fact I wasn't even there"
Another figure came running towards us from the edge of the field and handcuffed himself to my arm!
Cooksen : "There you are! Now #cookiekat are together again. Let's take you home. We're already at Tullamarine so it's not far to catch our plane"
Allikat: "But I live in Melbourne, can't we drive home?"
Cooksen: "Don't worry, the plane's not far. And we got a real one this time!"
We arrived at the airport just in time. I looked out terminal window to see our transport - a nice shiny Boeing 777
Most people on board looked really familiar. #cookiekat took our seat next to a woman wearing a baby carrier. Was she making out with the baby? And is that teething necklace made out of human adult teeth?
Morganashlee : "I'm the winner!"
Oh god, now I know where I've seen these people before. They're the other contestants!
A short man in a grey suit came out of the cockpit to talk to us.
Man: "Hi everybody. I'm your Captain & friend, Supreme Leader. My friends call me DapperJong . We friends, you call me that."
Chappyuk : "I've never met you before, how can we be friends?"
DapperJong: "Not negotiable! We friends. Now sit back, relax, we have a nice flight. I won 1st prize pilot race at Olympics"
Allikat: "That's not a thing"
DapperJong: "Yes I won it. I also invented aeropranes"
He turned around and re-entered the cockpit, muttering something about electrocutions, or maybe executions? Before he closed the door I stood up and yelled "NO YOU DIDN'T...". Tom Boyd put his hand on my shoulder. He'd fashioned a hat out of a sick bag, and had ripped the gun picture out of the safety card and held it in place around his waist with a spare seatbelt.
Tom Boyd: "You'll have to sit down miss, we're about to take off."
Allikat: "Tom! How'd your first seasons with the Dogs go? I missed the season"
Tom: "Ma'am call me boydshow and I'll be looking after security on this flight"
ChappyUK: "You don't work here"
Allikat: "And you didn't answer my question!"
The rest of the flight went off without a hitch - but the plane sure did turn a lot. I was expecting to crash, honestly, but the landing was almost professional standard. I looked tot he cockpit and in the co-pilots seat was a grotesque man, wearing only underpants, repeating the words " TootToot! " into the radio.
I stepped off the plane, and looked around to see our destination... another island!
Allikat: "This is ridiculous, where are we now?"
DapperJong: "I just follow directions. We turn norf - touth - touth - ast - wast - wast - touth"
Allikat: "That makes no sense, but at least the plane made it this far to get us off the island"
Benwah83 walked past at that time, paint splatterings over his artist overalls, and said, "What plane?" I turned around and it was gone! I didn't even hear it take off:
At that moment I fainted, either from shock, exhaustion, or whatever was in the needle I borrowed from Jobe (vitamins I was reliably informed).
A short time later I woke. How do we always end up on the worst, stinkiest, horrible excuse for an island? Looks like I'm in for another series of survivor. Well this time, I'm going to make the most of it. This time I'm going to win - or at least make it through the first round. And this time I'm going to remember how to get home. I'm going to put the directions DapperJong used to fly here into the island name: NTTAWWT ISLAND
I woke up to the feeling of the world shaking. Oh no! It's a sign of the apocalypse - Richmond must have won a final!! Wait... maybe it's just an earthquake? I opened my eyes to instead see a person - a real live person - shaking my shoulder.
It's been so long since I've seen someone real. After countless auditions, I had achieved my lifelong goal of being a contestant on Survivor. But that didn't last long. I was voted off almost immediately and sent to Not Yet Convicted Island. I'd always assumed they'd just send you home but I was wrong. I've lost count of the days I've spent here. The only news I've seen has been from random newspaper sheets that have floated in on the wind, the last one dated 4th October 2015. On one side was a picture I'll treasure forever. My love, Nat Fyfe, shirtless, with a Brownlow medal around his neck. Freo must've had an amazing season! The back was covered in so much goo. I was able to clean most of it off but the only words left legible were "Peat... good bloke". No idea what that means.
I'd been scratching a tally of days passed on the back of my turtle. Unfortunately he was stolen and replaced with a note:
[qote]I found you're turtel in my cave. com3 colect it. 
Bombres /quote]
Bombres /quote]I'm not falling for that one again.... again....
again.
Speaking of Bombres, the guy in front of me looked familiar. He was wearing an Essendon shirt, but this was someone else. He was holding a beer in one hand and had a needle stuck in his arm. Around his neck was a medal similar to the one in my Nat Fyfe picture, but this one seemed somehow tarnished.
Strange man: "Hi! I'm Jobe Watson. I need to use the oval. Can you leave now?"
Allikat: "Oval? What oval? This is NYC Island"
Jobe: "No. This is Essendon's training base. You've been sleeping in the middle of our ground"
Allikat: "But I've been here almost a year, why haven't you trained in that time?"
Jobe: "You have to understand there's something more important in life than football - and that's the Ashes"
Allikat: "I do love it when we beat England"
Jobe: "I can't remember that information. In fact I wasn't even there"
Another figure came running towards us from the edge of the field and handcuffed himself to my arm!
Cooksen : "There you are! Now #cookiekat are together again. Let's take you home. We're already at Tullamarine so it's not far to catch our plane"
Allikat: "But I live in Melbourne, can't we drive home?"
Cooksen: "Don't worry, the plane's not far. And we got a real one this time!"
We arrived at the airport just in time. I looked out terminal window to see our transport - a nice shiny Boeing 777
Most people on board looked really familiar. #cookiekat took our seat next to a woman wearing a baby carrier. Was she making out with the baby? And is that teething necklace made out of human adult teeth?
Morganashlee : "I'm the winner!"
Oh god, now I know where I've seen these people before. They're the other contestants!
A short man in a grey suit came out of the cockpit to talk to us.
Man: "Hi everybody. I'm your Captain & friend, Supreme Leader. My friends call me DapperJong . We friends, you call me that."
Chappyuk : "I've never met you before, how can we be friends?"
DapperJong: "Not negotiable! We friends. Now sit back, relax, we have a nice flight. I won 1st prize pilot race at Olympics"
Allikat: "That's not a thing"
DapperJong: "Yes I won it. I also invented aeropranes"
He turned around and re-entered the cockpit, muttering something about electrocutions, or maybe executions? Before he closed the door I stood up and yelled "NO YOU DIDN'T...". Tom Boyd put his hand on my shoulder. He'd fashioned a hat out of a sick bag, and had ripped the gun picture out of the safety card and held it in place around his waist with a spare seatbelt.
Tom Boyd: "You'll have to sit down miss, we're about to take off."
Allikat: "Tom! How'd your first seasons with the Dogs go? I missed the season"
Tom: "Ma'am call me boydshow and I'll be looking after security on this flight"
ChappyUK: "You don't work here"
Allikat: "And you didn't answer my question!"
The rest of the flight went off without a hitch - but the plane sure did turn a lot. I was expecting to crash, honestly, but the landing was almost professional standard. I looked tot he cockpit and in the co-pilots seat was a grotesque man, wearing only underpants, repeating the words " TootToot! " into the radio.
I stepped off the plane, and looked around to see our destination... another island!
Allikat: "This is ridiculous, where are we now?"
DapperJong: "I just follow directions. We turn norf - touth - touth - ast - wast - wast - touth"
Allikat: "That makes no sense, but at least the plane made it this far to get us off the island"
Benwah83 walked past at that time, paint splatterings over his artist overalls, and said, "What plane?" I turned around and it was gone! I didn't even hear it take off:
At that moment I fainted, either from shock, exhaustion, or whatever was in the needle I borrowed from Jobe (vitamins I was reliably informed).
A short time later I woke. How do we always end up on the worst, stinkiest, horrible excuse for an island? Looks like I'm in for another series of survivor. Well this time, I'm going to make the most of it. This time I'm going to win - or at least make it through the first round. And this time I'm going to remember how to get home. I'm going to put the directions DapperJong used to fly here into the island name: NTTAWWT ISLAND
Starburns_
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Just rig the vote dude.
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Well he's used to getting 99.4% of the vote...
DapperJong
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Jose should be threadbanned for being the worst judge since the Madden Brothers
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Lol Jose you jinx everything. Those three are now stuffed!
JoseMourinho
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So those are the 3 best entries out of the competition 
Bender_
X
He's such a kiss-arse too, hoping to farm likes from the posters who arses he's kissed.
GTFO Jose.
Morganashlee
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Well it worked. Look how quickly K4E liked the post where his balls were sufficiently cupped
Bender_
X
Well it worked. Look how quickly K4E liked the post where his balls were sufficiently cupped
K4E likes every post though.
Stronzo
Hall of Famer
Challenge #1 Entry
The sound of a toilet flushing heralds another contestant entering the room. With the stench of shit still lingering around his person, TootToot! wafts into the room. Red faced, curly haired ******* in all his glory.
"I slept in the shitter's over night to beat the traffic! Toot Toot!" He bellows with a stupid look on his head.
I can't believe they dug this goat blower up for this. He won't last.
Sitting next to me in the lobby is A Cut Above , wearing a cowboy hat, a vest and a pair of brown stubbies' shorts. Quite the fashion statement. But he seems deeply engrossed in writing prose with his quill. My gaydar just went off.
JoseMourinho is sitting on the other side of me, with a briefcase on his lap.
"What's in the case Jose? I hope you've got some goodies to share with us when we make it to the island."
"Well!" Announces Jose with a s****** "there's goodies in here if you like doing tax returns for fun!"
Across the room boydshow 's eyes light up, while a clammy hand descends into his trousers. I thank my lucky stars I missed shaking hands with him earlier.
Duritz looking every bit the part of a Survivor veteran. Steely determination in his ranga eyes, sun bleached buff upon his ranga head. I notice his fat ranga hand edging ever closer to that of the beautiful Morganashlee . I wonder for a moment what's going on there, but my attention is soon taken by Starburns_ who is giving us a run down on proceedings. He doesn't have starburns by the way.
Before making our way onto the runway, Chappyuk plays the part of security, frisking everyone for contraband.
"Give TootToot! a cavity search!" Yells Haduken from the back of the line.
TootToot! looks around nervously and tries to laugh off the suggestion. "Ha ha.. Yeah good one guys"
"Yeah, good idea" says Caddyuk, who motions him forward. TootToot! looks around forlornly and with a touch of terror in his eyes. @Caddyuk ushers him into the cavity search elevator, which goes up to the cavity search lobby, attached to the cavity search reception area and onwards to the cavity search room. Apparently cavity searches were a booming trade at this airport.
Dinsdale is next to be frisked.
"Give him a cavity search" yells @Redmist
"Yeah, good idea" says Caddyuk.
This went on through the rest of the line until we all end up having cavity searches except Haduken
When we finally boarded the plane Haduken was on his 5th scotch and in total hysterics. Might not have been the best move to win friends and influence people, as we all sat down gingerly.
After a 3 hour flight of Cooksen sharing his food pictures with me, I was glad to be on the island.
DapperJong stepped out onto the mountain track runway and directly into a freshly laid hippo shit.
"Ahh, jerus christ. Broody hell. Ders shit orr over me!" Everyone roars with laughter.
We make our way to the camp and royals1922 starts building a fire.
"The secret to a good fire is the kindling" he counselled to Allikat who nodded appreciatively at the sage old campaigner.
"Good kindling, is sort of like good foreplay before you make sweet fiery love" Allikat face runs pale white.
Meanwhile, hazard iBeng and Benwah83 went off to hunt the forrest for food, Kangaroos4eva started playing badminton with TootToot! for sexual favours. TootToot! was losing pitifully and was beginning to look really pissed off.
"So that's 2 gobbies, 5 wristies and a Cleveland steamer you owe me Nixon. You're so shit at this. I would get more competition from that hippo nard that Dapperjong stepped in." Said Kangaroos4eva, as TootToot's face went even redder.
"I dare say, you're sporting prowess has been whittled away playing jam-rag for random window lickers at the sheltered workshop Nixon" chimed A Cut Above with a refined English accent and quill feather tickling his pursed feminine lips. Everyone laughs again.
Nixon explodes in anger and starts lashing out feebly at those around him, badminton racket slashing back and forth through the night air. Laughter building even higher as the failure of his attempts keeps mounting. "I'll friggen kill youse all you campaigners!" Another slash of the racket missing Cooksen by a good 2 metres.
His attempts grew wilder and more desperate. As he fought to control his balance he stumbled and fell into royals1922 's fire, crotch first. He jumped up with a flame on his groin. The flame grew bigger and more wild as he furiously slapped at his balls to quell the flame. The smell of burnt semen (not sure I know how that smells) joined the laughter in filling the air.
Seemingly the encrusted semen on TootToot!'s trousers was acting as an accelerant for the flames. Nixon screamed in agony as everyone laughed in hysterics.
"My **** is on fire you campaigners!!" screamed Toottoot still slapping at his balls like a mad man. "Arrrghhhhhhhh" he screamed as Morganashlee takes a selfie with Ricky's flaming **** and balls in the back ground.
And so it was I came to dub this place,
Cockburn.
The sound of a toilet flushing heralds another contestant entering the room. With the stench of shit still lingering around his person, TootToot! wafts into the room. Red faced, curly haired ******* in all his glory.
"I slept in the shitter's over night to beat the traffic! Toot Toot!" He bellows with a stupid look on his head.
I can't believe they dug this goat blower up for this. He won't last.
Sitting next to me in the lobby is A Cut Above , wearing a cowboy hat, a vest and a pair of brown stubbies' shorts. Quite the fashion statement. But he seems deeply engrossed in writing prose with his quill. My gaydar just went off.
JoseMourinho is sitting on the other side of me, with a briefcase on his lap.
"What's in the case Jose? I hope you've got some goodies to share with us when we make it to the island."
"Well!" Announces Jose with a s****** "there's goodies in here if you like doing tax returns for fun!"
Across the room boydshow 's eyes light up, while a clammy hand descends into his trousers. I thank my lucky stars I missed shaking hands with him earlier.
Duritz looking every bit the part of a Survivor veteran. Steely determination in his ranga eyes, sun bleached buff upon his ranga head. I notice his fat ranga hand edging ever closer to that of the beautiful Morganashlee . I wonder for a moment what's going on there, but my attention is soon taken by Starburns_ who is giving us a run down on proceedings. He doesn't have starburns by the way.
Before making our way onto the runway, Chappyuk plays the part of security, frisking everyone for contraband.
"Give TootToot! a cavity search!" Yells Haduken from the back of the line.
TootToot! looks around nervously and tries to laugh off the suggestion. "Ha ha.. Yeah good one guys"
"Yeah, good idea" says Caddyuk, who motions him forward. TootToot! looks around forlornly and with a touch of terror in his eyes. @Caddyuk ushers him into the cavity search elevator, which goes up to the cavity search lobby, attached to the cavity search reception area and onwards to the cavity search room. Apparently cavity searches were a booming trade at this airport.
Dinsdale is next to be frisked.
"Give him a cavity search" yells @Redmist
"Yeah, good idea" says Caddyuk.
This went on through the rest of the line until we all end up having cavity searches except Haduken
When we finally boarded the plane Haduken was on his 5th scotch and in total hysterics. Might not have been the best move to win friends and influence people, as we all sat down gingerly.
After a 3 hour flight of Cooksen sharing his food pictures with me, I was glad to be on the island.
DapperJong stepped out onto the mountain track runway and directly into a freshly laid hippo shit.
"Ahh, jerus christ. Broody hell. Ders shit orr over me!" Everyone roars with laughter.
We make our way to the camp and royals1922 starts building a fire.
"The secret to a good fire is the kindling" he counselled to Allikat who nodded appreciatively at the sage old campaigner.
"Good kindling, is sort of like good foreplay before you make sweet fiery love" Allikat face runs pale white.
Meanwhile, hazard iBeng and Benwah83 went off to hunt the forrest for food, Kangaroos4eva started playing badminton with TootToot! for sexual favours. TootToot! was losing pitifully and was beginning to look really pissed off.
"So that's 2 gobbies, 5 wristies and a Cleveland steamer you owe me Nixon. You're so shit at this. I would get more competition from that hippo nard that Dapperjong stepped in." Said Kangaroos4eva, as TootToot's face went even redder.
"I dare say, you're sporting prowess has been whittled away playing jam-rag for random window lickers at the sheltered workshop Nixon" chimed A Cut Above with a refined English accent and quill feather tickling his pursed feminine lips. Everyone laughs again.
Nixon explodes in anger and starts lashing out feebly at those around him, badminton racket slashing back and forth through the night air. Laughter building even higher as the failure of his attempts keeps mounting. "I'll friggen kill youse all you campaigners!" Another slash of the racket missing Cooksen by a good 2 metres.
His attempts grew wilder and more desperate. As he fought to control his balance he stumbled and fell into royals1922 's fire, crotch first. He jumped up with a flame on his groin. The flame grew bigger and more wild as he furiously slapped at his balls to quell the flame. The smell of burnt semen (not sure I know how that smells) joined the laughter in filling the air.
Seemingly the encrusted semen on TootToot!'s trousers was acting as an accelerant for the flames. Nixon screamed in agony as everyone laughed in hysterics.
"My **** is on fire you campaigners!!" screamed Toottoot still slapping at his balls like a mad man. "Arrrghhhhhhhh" he screamed as Morganashlee takes a selfie with Ricky's flaming **** and balls in the back ground.
And so it was I came to dub this place,
Cockburn.
Starburns_
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Jose's Power Rankings.
It's a seriously tough call thus far, but your endorsement makes me think twice about those 3 and their efforts.
Kangaroos4eva
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JoseMourinho
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toots was definitely the worst.
TootToot!
Debutant
Oh the moron twins don't like my stories - if that's not an indication of Pulitzer standards I don't know what is!
Here's an idea, how about you both pay me $10 a pop to kick the teeth out of your heads?!
#TootToot!
TootToot!
Debutant
No seriously I need some money. It's not for drugs*.
*may be for drugs
*may be for drugs
SurvivorJoe_
Draftee
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Mmmmmmm Joe
Oh, hello there Morgs. I've heard you are a big fan of survivor.
Joe xx
I hope I can offer as much as possible during the course of the game.
I really have some great tips, so once again guys, if you need assistance just hola me!!
Joe xx
Jose's Power Rankings.
It's a seriously tough call thus far, but your endorsement makes me think twice about those 3 and their efforts.
I'm happy to help out Starburns. My game experience is sure to be of benefit when judging the immunity challenge winners.
Thanks for the assistant adjudicator job. Probsty is impressed and looking forward to my insights.
I have a top three already. There's a clear leader right now in my mind.
Probsty
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Oh, hello there Morgs. I've heard you are a big fan of survivor.
Joe xx
I hope I can offer as much as possible during the course of the game.
I really have some great tips, so once again guys, if you need assistance just hola me!!
Joe xx
I'm happy to help out Starburns. My game experience is sure to be of benefit when judging the immunity challenge winners.
Thanks for the assistant adjudicator job. Probsty is impressed and looking forward to my insights.
I have a top three already. There's a clear leader right now in my mind.
They're doing better than I first thought Joe.
However Jose might need some tips on how to write good.
Benwah83
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Some of my better work. Plz don't alert the Australian Transport Safety Bureau
Benwah's Ball Cupping Ratings:
Jose: Soft, gentle hands that know how to cup a good sack. Almost Nat Fyfe like. NTTAWWT. Recommended - Jose is OK. 8/10.
K4E: Rougher technique. More akin to Mrs. Boomer after 9 glasses of Passion Pop. Light bruising. Would not recommend. 3/10.
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Starburns_
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Has everyone gone? Is the fun part over and now I actually have to make a decision (or 4)?
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