Dad jokes - add yours

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A man was playing golf and forgot what hole he was at.
He saw a woman ahead of him and said" What hole are we at"?
Well, she said "This is the seventh and your a hole behind so you're at the sixth"
The mans says " Oh Thanks" and returns to his hole
Smitten by her he decides to go and talk to her.
After a few holes he asks her again " what hole are we at now"?
The women smiles and says " this is the 13th so your on the 12th"
The man thanks her and invites her out to lunch.
She accepts and at lunch they get to know each other.
The man asks her "what do you do for work"?
The women starts to blush and giggles a bit and says
"Listen l will tell you but you promise not to laugh"
The man say "ok l promise"
The women says " l manage a tampon factory"
The man immediately falls off his chair laughing and rolling all over the floor.
She says " hang on you promised not to laugh" and she looks embarrassed and goes red.
The man gets up and says " look, look, look, its not like that"
" Its just that l work in toilet paper so l'm still a hole behind " :laughv1:
 

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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.
 
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
 
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
 
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
 
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
 
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
 
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
 
Not sure if I've told this one before (probably have), it's an oldie that I love....

Bloke walks into a barber shop, says to the barber "I want you to cut my hair so I look like Michael Jackson"
He falls asleep in the chair and when he wakes up he's completely bald.
He says to the barber "Michael Jackson doesn't look like this"
Barber says "he would if he came here"
 
True story heard on the news today.

Trump has announced that when he becomes president in January, the first thing he will do is put an end to daylight saving.


Apparently, he believes that the sun shines out of his arseh*le and he's not getting out of bed and hour earlier for anybody!
 

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Dad jokes - add yours

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