Family Guy Quotes

[coldfish99]

we've got a simpsons quotes thread in here, but i havent seen a family guy quotes page. so starting now, post the absolute best of the best family guy quotes you've got, even if you have to watch series 1,2 and 3 to get them! i had a good laugh at the simpsons quotes page but i reckon family guy - especially peter griffin - is a lot funnier so bring em on! cheers

 

[Akalon]

I'll start this off

Peter (after Lois tells him he's childish): If I'm a child that means you're a pedophile, and I'll be damned if i'm going stand here and take this from a pervert.

Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!

Lois: You're drunk again.
Peter: No, I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

Meg: Mom, Dad--am I ugly?
Lois: Oh of course not sweetie!
Peter: Yeah, where'd you get a stupid idea like that?
Meg: Craig Hoffman.
Peter: Crai....Craig Hoffman said that? Well, he's a sharp kid. You might be ugly.
(Meg runs out crying)

Lois: I care about the size of your penis as much as you care about the size of my breasts.
Peter: Oh my God! (runs off crying)

Peter: I'll give you $40 for that coffin.
Store Owner: Sir, this casket is $1,000.
Peter: I'll give you $2,000.
Store Owner: Sir, that's double what it costs.
Peter: $60.
Brian (to the store owner): He doesn't know how to haggle.

Lois: Peter, did you paste a new picture of yourself on our wedding picture?
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.
Lois: You pasted it over me.
Peter: Yeah I think it looks better.

Auctioner: Our first item is a pair of panties confiscated from a prostitute.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.
Auctioner: She had nine STDs.
Quagmire: Forty-five bucks.
Auctioner: And when we caught her she wet herself.
Quagmire: Fifty bucks.

Quagmire: Hey there sweetie, how old are you?
Connie: 16.
Quagmire: 18? You're first.
Connie: Mom!
Quagmire: I like where this is goin'! Giggidy, giggidy, gig-gi-dy!

Meg: I just want to kill myself I'm gonna go upstairs and eat a whole bowl of peanuts.
(Lois and Peter stare in silence)
Meg: I'm allergic to peanuts.
(Peter and Lois keep staring)
Meg: You dont know anything about me. (runs upstairs)
Peter: Who was that guy?

Meg: Excuse me, Mayor West?
Adam West: How do you know my language?

Chris: Hey little dude, how about some ice cream?
Stewie: Yes I could go for a frozen treat right about now. But no sprinkles. And for every sprinkle I find, I shall kill you.

 

[Moosehead]

This one is a classic:
Peter: Don't worry Chris. Sometimes it's good not to fit in. (Flashback to Veitnam)
Peter (dressed in a clown suit): You guys are stupid. Their gonna be looking for army people.


Peter Griffin: Okay, okay, wait, here's another one. Why do women have boobs? So you got something to look at while you're talking to them.
[everybody laughs]
Man: Good one Peter.
Man 2: That's what they're for all right.
Lady: Are you telling jokes? I love jokes.
Peter Griffin: All right, then you'll love this one, okay. Why do women have boobs?
[she stares at him angrily]
Peter Griffin: So you got something to look at while you're talking to them
[she's shocked, then Peter laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got something you look at while you're talking to them
[laughs]
Peter Griffin: So you got - Y-you want to see me, Mr. Weed?


Peter- Hey Brian! I turned the stairs into a waterslide!
Brian (after Peter falls down and starts screaming): I'm not going to call an ambulance this time because if I do you won't learn anything


Bonnie: Somebody save him, he can't swim!
Peter: Oh, he's not even kicking. Kick Joe, kick.
Lois: Peter, he's a paraplegic!
Peter: That doesn't mean he can't hear. Kick Joe, kick!


Police Officer: Hey. That's Against the law. You're coming with me.
Peter: (singing to the tune of U Can't Touch this) Ah ah ah ah. Can't Touch Me/ Can't Touch me/ Ja ja ja ja just like the bad guy/ from Lethal Weapon 2/ I've got diplomatic Immunity/ so Hammer, you can't sue/ I can write graffiti even jay-walk in the streets/ I can Riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat/ Can't touch me/ Can't touch me/
Adam West: What in God's name is he doing?
Peter: Can't touch me.
Cleveland: I believe that's the worm.
Peter: (still singing) Can't touch me/ STOP, Peter time/ I'm a big shot, there's no doubt/ light a fire then pee it out/ Don't like it, kiss my rump/ Just for a minute, let's all do the bump/ Can't touch me/ Yeah, do the Peter Griffin Bump/ Can't touch me/ I'm Presidential Peter/ Interns think I'm hot/ Don't care if you're handicapped, I'll still park in your spot/ I've been around the world/ from Hartford to Back Bay/ It's Peter, Go Peter, I'm so Peter, Yo Peter, Let's see Regis rap this way/ Can't touch me.


Peter: I'll handle it, Lois. I read a book about this sort of thing once.
Brian: Are you sure it was a book? Are you sure it wasn't nothing?
Peter: Oh yeah.


Brian: Hola, me llamo es Brian ... Nosotros queremos ir con ustedes.. uhhhh ...
Bellboy (Spanish): Hey, that was pretty good, except when you said "me llamo es Brian," you don't need the "es," just me llamo Brian.
Brian: Oh, oh you speak English!
Bellboy (sigh): No, just that first speech and this one explaining it.
Brian: You .... you're kidding me, right?
Bellboy (Spanish): Que?


Peter: Ok, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. A homicidal murderer tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let him kill?
Brian: That's... that's not a riddle. That's ... that's just terrible.
Peter: Wrong, the ugly one!

 

[Monkster]

Brian: Peter it's almost 2 o clock, if you're gonna pull a party out of your arse you might wanna stand up.

 

[year of the roo]

<police radio broadcast of an armed robbery>

Brian: "Is it me or is rap music just getting lazier?"

Gold.

 

[meh]

Dennis Miller: I don't wanna go on a RANT here but America's foreign policy makes about as much sense as Beowolf having sex with Robert Fulton at the first Battle of Antetum. I mean when a neo-conservative defenstrates it's like Raskalnakov filibuster dioxymonohydrostinate.
Peter: What the hell does RANT mean?

Gold!!

 

[krisholio14]

meg: chris, youre hogging all the fans
chris : well, youre hogging all the ugly

stuey: you will continue to service my crevace and be grateful for the priveledge

peter: the, chicken, gave me a bad coupon...

 

[big_pimping]

the episode where chris thinks hes fat.
Chris goes swimming at the pool, and over the loud speaker you here: excuse me sir please remove ur van from the diving board, then you hear oh! wait its just a fat kid.

lol