Having Kids

[Sturty2Hurty]

In my early 30s and my partner is begging for kids. Feel a bit undecided and have been giving it a lot of thought.

For people who have gone in either direction, what has been your experience? Did you have a kid and find it wasn't for you? Did you not have kids then find yourself regretting it in your 40s?

Personally I feel like you really need to plan for it in your 20s, but have met people that stress 'you can never plan for kids'. Kinda resent that advice but interested to hear other experiences.

 

[mr bagcroft]

Never had em, been in a long term relationship for a long long time.
I don't regret it at all.
Everyone is going to be different though.
I always got the advice that went something like....oh you don't worry about how your going to afford it, you just do it.
Which to me was absolutely ****ing ridiculous and bordering on completely irresponsible.
Yeah, if I am struggling financially I will just throw kids on top of that dumpster fire?
**** off, that's bat shit insane to me.
But, there are people who will disagree..

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

I've got two kids, aged 6 and (almost) 4. I wouldn't say that you can never plan for kids but I do think it's impossible to be 100% ready - as in, no matter how much research or reading you do, it's something you can never actually comprehend until you do it.

Kids are expensive and parenting is relentless, but motherhood is the most incredible experience of my life and I wouldn't change it for anything. Would love to have more free time but as they get older and become more independent, I am getting more time to myself again.

I think you should work out why you're not ready and if it's because you will never want kids, then you have to be honest with your partner so she can decide if it's a dealbreaker or not.

Not really sure what feedback you're looking for but if you have any specific questions I will answer honestly!

 

[Sturty2Hurty]

I wouldn't say that you can never plan for kids but I do think it's impossible to be 100% ready - as in, no matter how much research or reading you do, it's something you can never actually comprehend until you do it.

That's a pretty good way of putting it.

One question - how did you go with sleep deprivation? One of my biggest fears is just becoming a shell of a person and letting lack of sleep severely impact other areas of my life (particularly at work).

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

That's a pretty good way of putting it.

One question - how did you go with sleep deprivation? One of my biggest fears is just becoming a shell of a person and letting lack of sleep severely impact other areas of my life (particularly at work).

I'm a bad person to ask this question of but I will be honest!

My first child - wasn't so bad. He didn't take to breastfeeding so my husband and I were able to share the night time loads from about 4 weeks in. Since my husband was working, I did the night wakes on my own Sun - Thurs and on the weekends he'd do the middle of the night bottle. It took a while for bub to sleep through the night but he typically only woke up once so it really wasn't so bad.

My second child - absolute nightmare sleeper, a real dud. He breastfed until he was aged 2 and we coslept for a long time because he woke up so regularly. My husband would get up if our eldest (2 at the time of his little brother being born) had a nightmare etc but only I could do the night wakes with the baby. I didn't have more than 2 hours of unbroken sleep for at least 12 months. It got to the point where I was literally having auditory hallucinations and my employer offered to pay for a stay in a mother and baby unit for me to get some help. Unfortunately, it was Melbourne lockdown times and all mental health support I reached out for was unceremoniously cancelled.

People would ask me how I functioned but I literally had no choice.

Once he turned 2 and I weaned him off the breast, he slept through straight away (little bugger). Now they share a room by their choice and sleep through from 7.30pm until somewhere between 6am and 7am.

I would suggest that most kids are probably somewhere in between my two in terms of their sleep habits for the first two years. You do get used to living on less sleep and there are ways of making it easier for yourselves, depending on your parenting philosophies. E.g. you can:

• Access sleep support programs (free of charge) through the maternal child health nurse or some public hospitals
• Access paid sleep support programs for a 4 night stay through some private hospitals
• Choose to cosleep
• Choose to sleep train
• Take it in turns to have a sleep in day on the weekend
• Use your support network for help

 

[PT Bar None]

Never had em, been in a long term relationship for a long long time.
I don't regret it at all.
Everyone is going to be different though.
I always got the advice that went something like....oh you don't worry about how your going to afford it, you just do it.
Which to me was absolutely ******* ridiculous and bordering on completely irresponsible.
Yeah, if I am struggling financially I will just throw kids on top of that dumpster fire?
* off, that's bat s**t insane to me.
But, there are people who will disagree..

"We'll manage" was always the answer I got to that

 

[MC Extra Dollop]

In my early 30s and my partner is begging for kids. Feel a bit undecided and have been giving it a lot of thought.

For people who have gone in either direction, what has been your experience? Did you have a kid and find it wasn't for you? Did you not have kids then find yourself regretting it in your 40s?

Personally I feel like you really need to plan for it in your 20s, but have met people that stress 'you can never plan for kids'. Kinda resent that advice but interested to hear other experiences.

I have a 10 year old stepdaughter and two daughters, 6 and 3 years old. I wouldn't change it for the world, but from my perspective and experience, here's some things to consider.

• To be honest, I haven't really noticed the financial impact. Of course everyone's different. I used to piss money against the wall on weekends, now I pretty much don't go out.
• Flip side to that, can't complain at all about the financial support we've received from our parents, but the physical support from our extended families has practically been non-existent. We've barely had a night under a different roof to our younger girls since our six year old was born. The younger girls have both been terrible sleepers and our youngest still co-sleeps, so I've pretty much slept on a mattress or fold out couch for six and a half years, which is the best option for everyone to get as much sleep as possible.
• Our two younger girls are both on the NDIS, which means multiple medical appointments each week. As mentioned, it's up to my wife and I to work out the logistics there, our parents aren't available to take them.
• Our middle daughter wasn't planned, but in my opinion, it would have made bugger all difference. My stepdaughter was sleeping through in her own bed by about one year old and toilet trained by about two and a half. Middle daughter didn't sleep in her own bed until two and a half and is still a toilet training work in progress. Youngest has been even slower with sleeping, hoping she'll be better with toilet training, but she hasn't even started yet. Neither of them slept a single night of their lives in a cot.
• Not sure if you're the potential mum or dad, but if you're around the same age, it's getting towards crunch time to make a decision one way or the other, especially if you'd expect to have more than one after becoming parents. And I don't know how a relationship can survive long-term once you're in your 30s and you're not on the same page on this topic.
• Sleep - I dunno, I just got used to it, I suppose. Good way to binge watch TV series, staying up on the fitball with your baby until 1:30am, while your partner gets some sleep. Even now, I routinely get up at 4am on work from home days yo get a couple of hours in before the rest of the house wakes up and to balance the work day with the aforementioned medical appointments.
• I can't recall catching up with a mate for a beer this year without kids being involved and didn't go to an AFL game this year. For Father's Day in recent years, I've generally just wanted leave passes to the AFL finals games in Melbourne that Geelong have played in. Too much hassle/effort, getting to other games.
• The bond that my wife and I have built over the past (almost) seven years, where we've given absolutely everything we have to parenting and supporting each other seems pretty unbreakable to me.

I feel like I've painted a pretty bleak picture, but one thing I do know is I'm so much happier now than I was in 2-5 years pre-kids, where I just felt completely directionless, unmotivated, no idea where I was going in life. It's hard graft, but I don't regret it for a second.

 

[Sqotty from office works]

Don't have them.
Live an idyllic life travelling, eating the best food, drinking the best everything and never have a hassle.

 

[spudmaster]

I've been politely told one of me is more than enough - the world doesn't need to run the risk of a second.
Haven't yet decided whether to try for one out of spite. Will let you know.

 

[Cruyff14]

Parenthood is amazing. It is hands-down the greatest experience you'll have in your life.

We have a 14 month old, she can make the darkest days seem like the sun is three feet away and undoubtedly makes every day better. Hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, seeing her look in wonder and amazement at the world around her and interact with our friends/family is truly wonderful.

You can only plan for kids so much. Nobody knows what they're doing and you learn as you go. It's not easy, it's bloody hard, but it's all worth it. Each day is different and you'll sit there and wonder how you can love someone so much.

As for lack of sleep, you get used to it and your body will adapt. It can be very brutal at times, but you get through it.

 

[revo333]

I won't regret not having kids but it would be nice to have atleast one.

My biggest fear would be having a kid I never like.

I've had more than enough people with kids tell me not to have one.

 

[MrsEddieBetts]

Parenthood is amazing. It is hands-down the greatest experience you'll have in your life.

We have a 14 month old, she can make the darkest days seem like the sun is three feet away and undoubtedly makes every day better. Hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, seeing her look in wonder and amazement at the world around her and interact with our friends/family is truly wonderful.

You can only plan for kids so much. Nobody knows what they're doing and you learn as you go. It's not easy, it's bloody hard, but it's all worth it. Each day is different and you'll sit there and wonder how you can love someone so much.

As for lack of sleep, you get used to it and your body will adapt. It can be very brutal at times, but you get through it.

This is so accurate!

It gets better, too, as they grow and learn new things. I can still remember the first time each of my boys smiled at me - then the first time they said "mama" - then the first time they said "I love you" unprompted. Now my eldest writes me cute notes and smuggles them into my handbag so I see them when I get to work, things like "hav a grate day mum". It's the best.

Getting to experience life through the eyes of children is something else. They find beauty and wonder in the smallest things. Like my kids will lie on ground on their tummies for ages just watching the ants carry crumbs around. They also help me put things in perspective, call me out on my bullshit, and help me be a better person.

I just hope I'm raising them well and they turn out to be the two clever, funny, kind gentlemen I think they will be.

 

[Macca19]

Have three between 7 & 11. Being a dad is the best thing ever

 

[Cruyff14]

This is so accurate!

It gets better, too, as they grow and learn new things. I can still remember the first time each of my boys smiled at me - then the first time they said "mama" - then the first time they said "I love you" unprompted. Now my eldest writes me cute notes and smuggles them into my handbag so I see them when I get to work, things like "hav a grate day mum". It's the best.

Getting to experience life through the eyes of children is something else. They find beauty and wonder in the smallest things. Like my kids will lie on ground on their tummies for ages just watching the ants carry crumbs around. They also help me put things in perspective, call me out on my bullshit, and help me be a better person.

I just hope I'm raising them well and they turn out to be the two clever, funny, kind gentlemen I think they will be.

Yeah my daughter started clapping today for the first time, that was pretty great to see. The joy on her face when she does it is so infectious.

 

[Andre]

In my early 30s and my partner is begging for kids. Feel a bit undecided and have been giving it a lot of thought.

For people who have gone in either direction, what has been your experience? Did you have a kid and find it wasn't for you? Did you not have kids then find yourself regretting it in your 40s?

Personally I feel like you really need to plan for it in your 20s, but have met people that stress 'you can never plan for kids'. Kinda resent that advice but interested to hear other experiences.

Early 30's is the best time to have kids IMO. You've had some life experiences, so you aren't going to feel you gave up the chance for them, by having kids young, but also old enough to have some financial security. You're also still young enough that you'll be able to relate to your kids (to a degree), and run around with them, rather than a big generation gap and a less physically active parent.

The sleep deprivation sucks (you truly don't know sleep deprivation until you have kids, exam / test cram for a few days is nothing like it), but it passes. There's no denying the financial hit is the hardest part. Even if you know you'll cover all your expenses on just the one income (for at least awhile and will go back to two), there's no denying you're going to notice it. Yeah, leaving it until you're older, you could probably mitigate that more, but again, then you'll get that bigger gap between you and kids.

 

[Gough]

Early 30's is the best time to have kids IMO. You've had some life experiences, so you aren't going to feel you gave up the chance for them, by having kids young, but also old enough to have some financial security. You're also still young enough that you'll be able to relate to your kids (to a degree), and run around with them, rather than a big generation gap and a less physically active parent.

The sleep deprivation sucks (you truly don't know sleep deprivation until you have kids, exam / test cram for a few days is nothing like it), but it passes. There's no denying the financial hit is the hardest part. Even if you know you'll cover all your expenses on just the one income (for at least awhile and will go back to two), there's no denying you're going to notice it. Yeah, leaving it until you're older, you could probably mitigate that more, but again, then you'll get that bigger gap between you and kids.

Friend of mine who raised the bat last week has two kids under ten and reckons he's a better parent for being an older one and he says the perv at school pick up has been an unexpected bonus.

 

[the_interloper]

Friend of mine who raised the bat last week has two kids under ten and reckons he's a better parent for being an older one and he says the perv at school pick up has been an unexpected bonus.

Getting to a good time of year with school pickup as well with the warmer weather

 

[Gough]

Getting to a good time of year with school pickup as well with the warmer weather

He says the worst thing about it is when he looks at some of the grandparents doing the pick up and realises they're not that much older than him.

 

[Pistol Night]

Getting to a good time of year with school pickup as well with the warmer weather

Now we're talking.

 

[the_interloper]

Now we're talking.

I actually don't reckon there's many hot mums at my son's school (I'm sure they'd say there's not many hot dads of course)

 

[blueboy25]

Friend of mine who raised the bat last week has two kids under ten and reckons he's a better parent for being an older one and he says the perv at school pick up has been an unexpected bonus.

Until it comes to school sports day and you have to join in the parents race. Always good fun watching the older dads ping hammies or calves.

 

[Shell]

Working in education i look at some kids and just ache I am not a parent...

And then I look at some kids and thank the ****ing lord I am not a parent..




Good luck whichever way you decide to go.

 

[Pistol Night]

Working in education i look at some kids and just ache I am not a parent...

And then I look at some kids and thank the ****ing lord I am not a parent..




Good luck whichever way you decide to go.

I often do that on the same day with my own

 

[RookiePick]

I think "you can't plan for kids" is just another way of saying that parenthood is unknowable. Whatever your expectations are, you will be surprised in a myriad of ways - most likely many times a day in the early years.

My only real advice would be to echo an earlier poster, have an honest appraisal of your beliefs. If you don't want children, be truthful about that with your partner and yourself.

 

[Caesar]

In my early 30s and my partner is begging for kids. Feel a bit undecided and have been giving it a lot of thought.

For people who have gone in either direction, what has been your experience? Did you have a kid and find it wasn't for you? Did you not have kids then find yourself regretting it in your 40s?

Personally I feel like you really need to plan for it in your 20s, but have met people that stress 'you can never plan for kids'. Kinda resent that advice but interested to hear other experiences.

It's not the sort of decision you can sit down and write a list of pros and cons on. The costs are significant, the future is unknown, and the primary benefits are intrinsic, so trying to weigh your options in advance is a bit futile. All you can really do is look at the general trajectory of your life with vs without kids and decide if you are or are not okay with either option.

Personally I have always been a bit ambivalent about having kids. My wife can't have children and I am not really interested in adoption or surrogacy with some random egg, so that made the decision fairly easy for me. Whilst my friends had babies and toddlers I didn't really care, but now we are approaching 40 and they have school aged kids it's become a bit more apparent what I am missing out on - especially since I don't have nieces/nephews, and probably never will. I would guess this will increase as those kids move into adulthood, and I move into old age without much family around me to make that period of my life easier. But, there are plenty of advantages we have that parents do not.

In either case I think happiness often comes down to whether you're the sort of person who focuses on what you have, or what you don't have. The grass is never greener.