Having Kids

[mr bagcroft]

Agreed. Kids aren't the be all and end all, for those that it is and have them thats great.
Grass is greener where you water it, as they say.

 

[swingdog]

The unexpected upside I found was that the degree of love I have for my children is stronger than anything else I’ve experienced.

Also, seeing them grow and change has been endlessly fascinating. They’re still the most interesting people I know.






Apart from you all on here, of course.

 

[nobbyiscool]

Growing up I always expected I'd have kids and always wanted them. Now that I'm probably past that phase of my life, I don't regret not having them. I quite enjoy my selfish life when I can do what I want, when I want. For every advantage of having children, I could think of 5 ways it would negatively impact my life

In my early 30s and my partner is begging for kids. Feel a bit undecided and have been giving it a lot of thought.

For people who have gone in either direction, what has been your experience? Did you have a kid and find it wasn't for you? Did you not have kids then find yourself regretting it in your 40s?

Personally I feel like you really need to plan for it in your 20s, but have met people that stress 'you can never plan for kids'. Kinda resent that advice but interested to hear other experiences.

Jeepers. I don't envy you. How long have you been together? Have you discussed it before now?

 

[Sturty2Hurty]

Growing up I always expected I'd have kids and always wanted them. Now that I'm probably past that phase of my life, I don't regret not having them. I quite enjoy my selfish life when I can do what I want, when I want. For every advantage of having children, I could think of 5 ways it would negatively impact my life



Jeepers. I don't envy you. How long have you been together? Have you discussed it before now?

About 4 years - moved in together then they changed their mind on having kids. We were both pretty set on not having kids early days.

 

[mr bagcroft]

About 4 years - moved in together then they changed their mind on having kids. We were both pretty set on not having kids early days.

Baby rabies is a real thing my dude.
I love kids (though I couldn't eat a whole one , boom tish..)
I think the most important thing though seriously, is to not be too swayed by what other people say.
Its a dicey situation I feel for you, good luck in sorting it all out either way.
You are not lesser if you decide you don't want them, very important to remember.

 

[Caesar]

About 4 years - moved in together then they changed their mind on having kids. We were both pretty set on not having kids early days.

yeah you need to sort that out ASAP

if you let it drift it festers

 

[Shell]

yeah you need to sort that out ASAP

if you let it drift it festers

100% this.

 

[dumb]

can get both your fertility's checked - it will paint a picture for you and your partner. you may/may not need shifting toward behaviours that can increase your virility even though you can try anyway. my swimmers were fine, as it turned out my wife needed medication for an unusual issue that affected her fertility.

it's pretty easy to think of kids as a lifestyle choice. think of what you have and want and whether or not kids will throw those plans in the fire. with kids you'll come up with new plans of course.

our kid has thrown a few plans in the fire, mostly figuratively. i had no doubt at all that i would be a reasonable parent. but you will need bloody determination as well as self-belief.

once our kid started sleeping through the night (at what i'm told is a jealousy-inducing 3 months of age) through having had (drank) enough of the expressed/formula combo through the day, it was me who got up in the middle of the night whenever they did wake up. i got to see quite a lot of the 2019 ashes live. i was already a night-owl anyway. i did have some days where i turned up to work with 2 hours sleep. i changed cot mattress sheets and made weetbix one-handed while holding my kid. i got up at 4am so my kid could be parented without even going back to sleep before they crashed in the evening.

some of what i could say about parenting would be filtered through a lens of what is probably depression, so i won't touch on anything negative about my particular experiences. unless you're not a very nice person, you will have very deep wells of whatever it is you need to be a parent. you may also sacrifice things you didn't think you had to. but you'll adapt.
kids are resilient. they don't need parents that are perfect in every way or perfect situations to thrive.

 

[MP_]

I always wanted kids but I wanted them later in life to my wife. It wasn’t until we started trying and then found out I was shooting mostly blanks how much I really wanted kids. Thankfully they found some decent swimmers of mine and we had successful ivf. 3 kids later at 14,17 and 19 I’m now wondering what life is going to be like when they move out not sure I will like that.

 

[Gralin]

Parenthood is amazing. It is hands-down the greatest experience you'll have in your life.

We have a 14 month old, she can make the darkest days seem like the sun is three feet away and undoubtedly makes every day better. Hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, seeing her look in wonder and amazement at the world around her and interact with our friends/family is truly wonderful.

this is how you hope it will be and for a lot of people it is but unfortunately for many it isn't

there were a lot of people having their first kid around the same time as us that ended up in mothers groups or facebook groups with my partner

that first 12 months saw so many relationships end

you're clearly an engaged parent who loves spending time with your kid which is fantastic, a lot of these couples that broke up, the guy didn't change anything post baby, left it all to the partner and eventually one of them left over that

I know heaps of situations where one person didn't really want to have kids and shouldn't have

you have to be honest with yourself and your partner about this stuff, the first part can be the hardest because for a lot of people the idea of kids is very different from the reality

You can only plan for kids so much. Nobody knows what they're doing and you learn as you go. It's not easy, it's bloody hard, but it's all worth it. Each day is different and you'll sit there and wonder how you can love someone so much.

As for lack of sleep, you get used to it and your body will adapt. It can be very brutal at times, but you get through it.

I wouldn't say you'll adapt but you'll generally get through it because you have no other choice

I don't think a lot of people really think about how much their life will change, I was the first in my group of friends to have kids and none of them understood why I couldn't just go out with them with no notice, or why I'd maybe cancel plans late because of the kid.

2 of them are parents now, one became the primary carer and they get it now, but there was a good 5 years there where it was pretty isolating with a couple of my mates who took it personally.

My best mate has no plans for kids and hasn't for his entire life, he's ended relationships with people over it because they were like yeah but you'll be ready in a couple of years right.

The funny thing is now he would I reckon make an excellent dad, he had undiagnosed ADHD for most of his life and was a hot mess but no longer. He ended up marrying someone who also didn't want kids and they're quite happy that way and I envy their freedom at times but the reality it took them both a long time to find a person that they liked who also didn't want kids.

 

[Taylor]

I don't think humans are made to have children in couples or singles. My experience is that it's absolutely possible to go it alone, or go it alone early with him around to handle other things but the absolute best circumstance that leads to best outcomes is three generations in the home - or otherwise tertiary adults.

It's not how we are organised currently and I would argue we are moving further away from that, but if you are able to have your family involved in everyone's family growing then everyone will have a better time of it.

Better socialised children. Better family closeness. Better relationships between the parents because they aren't both giving 110% and feeling like the other isn't able to pull the same weight.

We are, at the most basic level, herd animals/pack animals and if you subscribe to the theory that there must be an evolutionary benefit (or at least no harm) to human behaviors or realities as I do then you might believe that the reason humans continue to survive beyond the reproductive window would be that we are meant to continue raising our community young after we have raised our own.

One of the reasons octopus overlords haven't risen from the depths is because their intergeneration knowledge stops every generation when mum died standing guard over the babies.

 

[AlwaysHawks15]

I'm a bad person to ask this question of but I will be honest!

My first child - wasn't so bad. He didn't take to breastfeeding so my husband and I were able to share the night time loads from about 4 weeks in. Since my husband was working, I did the night wakes on my own Sun - Thurs and on the weekends he'd do the middle of the night bottle. It took a while for bub to sleep through the night but he typically only woke up once so it really wasn't so bad.

My second child - absolute nightmare sleeper, a real dud. He breastfed until he was aged 2 and we coslept for a long time because he woke up so regularly. My husband would get up if our eldest (2 at the time of his little brother being born) had a nightmare etc but only I could do the night wakes with the baby. I didn't have more than 2 hours of unbroken sleep for at least 12 months. It got to the point where I was literally having auditory hallucinations and my employer offered to pay for a stay in a mother and baby unit for me to get some help. Unfortunately, it was Melbourne lockdown times and all mental health support I reached out for was unceremoniously cancelled.

People would ask me how I functioned but I literally had no choice.

Once he turned 2 and I weaned him off the breast, he slept through straight away (little bugger). Now they share a room by their choice and sleep through from 7.30pm until somewhere between 6am and 7am.

I would suggest that most kids are probably somewhere in between my two in terms of their sleep habits for the first two years. You do get used to living on less sleep and there are ways of making it easier for yourselves, depending on your parenting philosophies. E.g. you can:

• Access sleep support programs (free of charge) through the maternal child health nurse or some public hospitals
• Access paid sleep support programs for a 4 night stay through some private hospitals
• Choose to cosleep
• Choose to sleep train
• Take it in turns to have a sleep in day on the weekend
• Use your support network for help

I have 2 kids virtually the same ages and we resort to seperating them when it comes to wind down time so they don't razz eachother up and make it harder to put them to bed. Were lucky we live in a house with TVs upstairs and downstairs so they can both be amused and it makes it easier to have quiet time. Than usually between 7 30-8pm I put my littlest one to sleep in their room. Lying on my other son's bed until he is fast asleep. Have a good routine in place so we all get a decent amount of sleep every night. The oldest one usually wakes around 5am but we give him a phone he can watch shorts on till were ready to get up. Not exactly the most acceptable thing according to the manuals but you gotta do what works.

 

[Foxx]

Late 40's. Long term relationship. Never had any. And never regretted it.
The freedom and extra money I wouldn't give up. I have nephews and niece's I look after. Happy to hand them back. They are needy and restrictive.

 

[the_interloper]

 

[Shell]

It was good she got her 'comeuppance' in the show- but the warehouse blokes seriously should have gotten a dose of their own right back.

What a bunch of dickheads.

I suppose Leigh did in the end, but the rest of them too should have.

 

[mr bagcroft]

"just cause you let someone blow beans up ya muffin"
Crikey.
wow.

 

[Shell]

"just cause you let someone blow beans up ya muffin"
Crikey.
wow.

Have you not seen the Office?

You should see the scene where she's describing to Tim how she conceived her child.

 

[mr bagcroft]

Have you not seen the Office?

You should see the scene where she's describing to Tim how she conceived her child.

Very little of the UK one.
This weekend, I am going to a binge a couple of series, been putting it off for years.

 

[No Quarter]

I'll never put my hat in the ring to win father of the year, I love my kids but I don't feel that "oh my god I just live and breathe being a father and love my kids to the moon and back" that I hear other Dads say. At times, I'm cynical that some people just say those sorts of things because they think it's expected of them.

I'm not in any sort of financial struggles in life, though not 'wealthy', but aside from childcare I don't understand why people say kids are so expensive. I appreciate if this comment is made on the daycare side of things, because it is frankly outrageous and was a challenge early because just about 100% of my wifes working wage went to paying for the kids to go to daycare while she worked which ended up obviously pointless.

Other than that, they add to your food bill and I would imagine a reasonably minimal increase in your utilities.

At 6 and 4, they're now to starting to add to more expenses, being things like swimming lessons and gymnastics, ballet those sorts of things, but of course, as a parent I want them to do be doing those things.

Do I yearn to get back to the moments of Dad life? No, not always, frankly sometimes they annoy me though it doesn't mean I don't love them endlessly and unconditionally
Would I be lost without them? Yeah, you betcha

 

[Shell]

Very little of the UK one.
This weekend, I am going to a binge a couple of series, been putting it off for years.

Do it.

Do it NOW.

 

[Gough]

Very little of the UK one.
This weekend, I am going to a binge a couple of series, been putting it off for years.

I got stuck on the roundabout in the credits of The Office Clark Griswold in European Vacation style one night when I was picking up a stripper from Slough train station for a gentleman's night.

 

[MP_]

Two of my three kids are now at the age where they don't rely on me for much and it's actually bittersweet , you want them to grow up and move out but you know your life if going to be seriously empty when they finally do.

 

[the_interloper]

It was good she got her 'comeuppance' in the show- but the warehouse blokes seriously should have gotten a dose of their own right back.

What a bunch of dickheads.

I suppose Leigh did in the end, but the rest of them too should have.

Yeah you could have a point, either way that woman was a bit of a dickhead as well I reckon.

"just cause you let someone blow beans up ya muffin"
Crikey.
wow.

It's just the best that line, he actually says "useless tosser" instead of "someone" which just makes it way more awesome.

 

[Shell]

Yeah you could have a point, either way that woman was a bit of a dickhead as well I reckon.



It's just the best that line, he actually says "useless tosser" instead of "someone" which just makes it way more awesome.

Maybe they didnt, cause thats the way of the show saying they just weren't that important.

Anyway dm, still a brilliant show.

Will definitely be watching it again soon. Will time it so i watch the Xmas special at Xmas time.

 

[Cruyff14]

I'll never put my hat in the ring to win father of the year, I love my kids but I don't feel that "oh my god I just live and breathe being a father and love my kids to the moon and back" that I hear other Dads say. At times, I'm cynical that some people just say those sorts of things because they think it's expected of them.

I'm not in any sort of financial struggles in life, though not 'wealthy', but aside from childcare I don't understand why people say kids are so expensive. I appreciate if this comment is made on the daycare side of things, because it is frankly outrageous and was a challenge early because just about 100% of my wifes working wage went to paying for the kids to go to daycare while she worked which ended up obviously pointless.

Other than that, they add to your food bill and I would imagine a reasonably minimal increase in your utilities.

At 6 and 4, they're now to starting to add to more expenses, being things like swimming lessons and gymnastics, ballet those sorts of things, but of course, as a parent I want them to do be doing those things.

Do I yearn to get back to the moments of Dad life? No, not always, frankly sometimes they annoy me though it doesn't mean I don't love them endlessly and unconditionally
Would I be lost without them? Yeah, you betcha

Yeah if you had healthy kids you're very lucky.

We have had to do IVF and spend probably close to or in excess of $10,000 on my daughter (and that's not including IVF).