Just jokes ...

[Squizz]

A teacher was giving first graders a learning test by a bowl of lifesavers.

The children began to identify the flavors by their color:

Red.......................Cherry
Yellow..................Lemon
Green....................Lime
Orange................Orange

Finally the teacher gave them all honey lifesavers. After tasting them, none of the children could identify the taste.

"Well," the teacher said, "I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father."

One of the kids looked up in horror, spit the lifesaver out and yelled, "Oh, crap! They're ass-hole flavour."





A family brings their elderly mother to a nursing home, hoping she will be well cared for.

The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. After a while, she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.

Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK but, after another short while, she begins to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.

Later that day, her family arrives to see how she is adjusting to her new home.

"So, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" they ask.

"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart."

 

[Squizz]

Saw the "faux paus" thread on the main board, and have been laughing for about half an hour. A sample:

Mark Harvey : I won’t leave unless I’m offered a head job from someone else

Bruce McAvaney : Who's going to get Primus, who's going to get Wanganeen, and who’s going to get Lade?

Graham Cornes : Andrew McLeod is the best footballer with balls below his waist

Sam Kekovich : The Eagles’ on-ballers have got to get used to big Cox

Dennis Cometti : and big Cox has sprayed that across the face

Robert Walls : After I'd finished my showbags, I couldn't wait to get home to knock off my sisters.

Michael Voss : He's just got his rod out, it always feels better, I remember when I got my rod out.

James Brayshaw : Matera has sucked off his opponent

Dermott Brereton seems to have had a fair shake of it :
"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago."
“Cox has been putting it down their throat.”
"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."
"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."
"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL, but there are none better."
"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play."
"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical."


I'm still laughing about the Robert Wall's one.

 

[sainter]

I like it Squizzy.

Reminds me of one of Beckham's famous quotes:-

"My parents have always been there for me, ever since I was 7 years old"


I'll have to share a bit of Gordon Strachan with you all. For those of you who don't follow the round ball game, here he is:

He used to play for Leeds and Manchester United after leaving Scotland and more recently has managed Coventry, Southampton, Celtic and now Middlesbrough.

He is also responsible for some of the best press conference quotes around. When he was managing Saints, here is some of his best work:

Southampton manager Gordon Strachan on Wayne Rooney
Its an incredible rise to stardom. At 17 you're more likely to get a call from Michael Jackson than Sven Goran Eriksson.

Reporter: Gordon, Do you think James Beattie deserves to be in the England squad?
Strachan: I don't care, I'm Scottish!

Reporter: "Gordon, can we have a quick word please?"
Strachan: "Velocity" [walks off] (I love this one )

Reporter: Welcome to Southampton Football Club. Do you think you are the right man to turn things around?
Strachan: No. I was asked if I thought I was the right man for the job and I said, "No, I think they should have got George Graham because I'm useless."

Reporter: Is that your best start to a season?
Strachan: Well I've still got a job so it's far better than the Coventry one, that's for sure.

Reporter: Are you getting where you want to be with this team?
Strachan: We're not doing bad. What do you expect us to be like? We were eighth in the league last year, in the cup final and we got into
Europe. I don't know where you expect me to get to. Do you expect us to win the Champions League?

Reporter: Gordon, you must be delighted with that result?
Strachan: You're spot on! You can read me like a book.

Reporter: Gordon, Agustin Delgado?
Strachan: I've got more important things to think about. I've got a yoghurt to finish by today, the expiry date is today. That can be my priority rather than Agustin Delgado.

Reporter: This might sound like a daft question, but you'll be happy to get your first win under your belt, won't you?
Strachan: You're right. It is a daft question. I'm not even going to bother answering that one. It is a daft question, you're spot on there.

Reporter: Bang, there goes your unbeaten run. Can you take it?
Strachan: No, I'm just going to crumble like a wreck. I'll go home, become an alcoholic and maybe jump off a bridge. Umm, I think I can take it, yeah.

Reporter: There's no negative vibes or negative feelings here?
Strachan: Apart from yourself, we're all quite positive round here. I'm going to whack you over the head with a big stick, down negative man, down.

Reporter: where will Marion Pahars fit into the team line-up?
Strachan: Not telling you! It's a secret.

Reporter: You don't take losing lightly, do you Gordon?
Strachan: I don't take stupid comments lightly either.

Reporter: So, Gordon, in what areas do you think Middlesbrough were better than you today?
Strachan: What areas? Mainly that big green one out there

Reporter: so, do you think you will be in europe next year
Strachan:aye me and the wife are booked up for spain

 

[the emergency]

Ben Cousins got busted with a gram of coke the other day...
...the Tigers are just relieved that at least one of their players can get possession...

ps. love the Strachan quotes

 

[saint jack]

The senses

Mrs. Smith sitting in the doctor's surgery: Doc, I have a terrible problem. I can't stop farting. The only thing is, you can't hear or smell them. In fact I've been farting the whole time I've been in here and you probably didn't even know.
Doc: Mrs. Smith, I think I know what your problem is. Take this tablet 2 times a day and then come back and see me in 3 days time.
She does as she is told and comes back 3 days later
Mrs Smith: Doc, I don't know what you thought these tablets would do, but not only have I not stopped farting, but now they smell really bad.
Doc: Great, well we have solved your sinus problem, let see if we can solve that hearing problem.

 

[karmafree]

Re: The senses

I was out with family and friends at a local mall, and I really stuck my foot in my mouth!

They had a contest going on at the mall —and of ccourse we all joined in.
I was doing quite well, proud of being able to answer all the questions.

I lost out on winning the mall quiz by one point.

The question was:

"Where do most women have curly hair?"

~

~

Apparently the correct answer is Africa.

 

[karmafree]

Re: The senses

Proof That The World Is Nuts


In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the animals
must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is punishable by
death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain , a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but is
prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He may only
see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also applies
to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered with a brick or
piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation.

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her adulterous husband,
but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any manner
desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Topless saleswomen are legal in Liverpool , England - but only in tropical fish
stores.

(But of course!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and the first
time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a woman and her
daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland , it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with one
exception: Prophylactics may be dispensed from a vending machine only in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well, not as great as Guam !)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and
always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, I will be in Guam !!!!!!

 

[StFly]

Re: The senses

I'd rather go to Hong Kong, could start up a great TV show with that concept, call it cheaters and...

 

[the emergency]

Re: The senses

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside and
deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having sex for the
first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there

any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Do Flight Centre do the whole flight/hotel package there??

 

[iloveleigh]

i find that my sense of humour likes lame jokes the best and this is one i laughed at for a long time...

A girl walks into a supermarket and buys the following:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving of cereal
1 single frozen dinner

The checkout guy looks at her, smiles, and says, "Single, huh?"
The girl smiles sheepishly and replies, "How'd you guess?"
He says, "Because you're ugly."

 

[karmafree]

Re: Reiwolt...

Pretty Strange, check it out.......
























~Horoscope Test~



DO NOT CHEAT ..OR YOU WILL REGRET IT..

...............THIS WILL FREAK YOU OUT..!!

>
>
>
>
> Chinese Horoscope which works .
>
>
> >
>
>
>
> Whatever you do, don't cheat !
>
>
>
> CHINESE HOROSCOPE:
>
>
>
> THE YEAR OF THE IRON DRAGON, WISHING YOU PROSPERITY AND GOOD FORTUNE IN
> THE CHINESE NEW YEAR
>
>
> FOLLOW THE INSTRUCTIONS - DO NOT CHEAT OR IT WON'T WORK AND
> YOU WILL WISH YOU HADN`T.
>
>
> TAKE 3 MINUTES - TRY THIS - IT WILL FREAK YOU OUT.
> THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO ME SAID HER WISH CAME TRUE 10 MINUTES AFTER
> SHE FORWARDED THE EMAIL. NO CHEATING !!!!
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
> THIS GAME HAS A FUNNY / CREEPY OUTCOME. DO NOT READ AHEAD , JUST DO IT. IT
> TAKES ABOUT 3 MINUTES - WORTH A TRY
>
>
> 1st. Get PEN and PAPER
>
> 2nd. WHEN CHOOSING NAMES, MAKE SURE THEY ARE REAL PEOPLE THAT YOU ACTUALLY KNOW
>
> 3rd. GO WITH YOUR FIRST INSTINCTS !!!!! It's very important for good results.
>
>
> 4th. SCROLL DOWN ONE LINE AT THE TIME
> DON`T READ AHEAD
> otherwise
>
> YOU WILL RUIN THE FUN.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> On a blank sheet of paper, WRITE NUMBERS 1 through 11 in a COLUMN on the
> LEFT-HAND side.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
>
> BESIDE the NUMBERS 1 & 2,
>
>
> WRITE DOWN ANY
> 2 NUMBERS YOU WANT....DO YOU HAVE A FAVORITE NUMBER?
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
> BESIDE the NUMBERS 3 & 7,
>
>
> WRITE DOWN THE NAMES OF TWO MEMBERS
> OF THE OPPOSITE ***.
>
>
>
>
>
>
> >
>
>
>
>
> CAUTION : DO NOT LOOK AHEAD or IT WILL NOT TURN OUT RIGHT
>
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> WRITE ANYONES NAME (like FRIENDS or FAMILY.....)
>
>
> next to 4, 5, & 6 .
>
>
>
>
>
>
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>
>
>
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>
>
> DON`T CHEAT OR YOU`LL BE UPSET THAT YOU DID
>
>
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>
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>
>
>
>
> WRITE down FOUR SONG TITLES in 8, 9, 10, & 11
>
>
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>
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> Finally, MAKE A WISH
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>
>
> ARE YOU READY?
> HERE IS THE
> KEY TO THE GAME
>
>
>
> THE NUMBER of PEOPLE YOU MUST TELL ABOUT THIS GAME is found in
> SPACE 2
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE PERSON IN SPACE
> 3 IS THE ONE YOU LOVE
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE PERSON YOU LIKE but your relationship CANNOT WORK is in
> SPACE 7
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> YOU CARE MOST about the PERSON you put in
> SPACE 4
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE PERSON YOU NAME IN NUMBER 5 IS THE ONE WHO
>
> KNOWS YOU VERY WELL.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE PERSON YOU NAMED IN 6 IS YOUR LUCKY STAR
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE SONG IN 8 IS THE SONG THAT MATCHES WITH THE
>
> PERSON IN NUMBER 3
>
> THE TITLE IN 9 IS THE SONG FOR THE
>
> PERSON IN 7
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> THE 10TH SPACE IS THE SONG THAT TELLS YOU MOST ABOUT
>
> YOUR MIND
>
>
>
>
>
>
> AND 11 IS THE SONG TELLING HOW YOU
>
> FEEL ABOUT LIFE
>
>
>
>
>
>
> NUMBER 1 IS YOUR
>
> LUCKY NUMBER
> SEND THIS TO A MINIMUM OF 10 PEOPLE
> WITHIN AN HOUR OF READING THIS.
>
>
>
> IF YOU DO, YOUR WISH WILL COME TRUE.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> IF YOU FAIL TO, IT WILL BECOME THE OPPOSITE
>
> IT IS STRANGE HOW IT SEEMS TO WORK.





.























--



--

If you think education is expensive,

wait till you see what ignorance costs you.

John M. Capozzi

 

[Squizz]

Whilst not a joke, these people certainly are (and the cop's thrown in a gag - probably unintentional - for comedic effect):

http://www.theage.com.au/victoria/river-rescue-as-sex-toy-ditches-rider-20110117-19sra.html

A bizarre decision to ride an inflatable doll down a flood-swollen Yarra River blew up in a woman’s face yesterday when she lost her latex playmate in a rough patch.

The incident prompted a warning from police that blow-up sex toys are "not recognised flotation devices’’.

Police and a State Emergency Services crew were called to the rescue when the woman and a man, both 19, struck trouble at Warrandyte North about 4.30pm yesterday.

They were floating down the river on two inflatable dolls and had just passed the Pound Bend Tunnel when the woman lost her toy in turbulent water.

She clung to a floating tree, calling for help while the man stayed with her. Fortunately for the pair, a passer-by called triple zero while while a kayaker took life jackets to the pair. Police and the SES crew hauled the water-logged thrillseekers to safety.

‘‘The fate of the inflatable dolls is unknown,’’ said Senior Constable Wilson.

 

[bubblegoose]

FLOOD UPDATE

Just spoke with a mate of mine up north. He says the water’s still waist high, pissing down with rain, and winds increasing to near gale force.

His wife has done nothing for hours but look through the kitchen window. She just stands there, staring.

He says if it gets much worse he may have to let her in!

 

[Squizz]

 

[stkildathunda]

Saw this on Facebook yesterday....


Collingwood flood victims need assistance - Please Give Generously

Torrential rain hit Collingwood in the early hours of last night.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, flannies soaked, woollen
...trackies sagging, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

Flood waters devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed. Many locals were
woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Collingwood Herald reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Smith St ..

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running in to my bedroom crying. My youngest
two Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.

The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000 crates of
Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals. Rescue workers
are still searching through the rubble and have found large quantities
of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards, Jewellery from
Kmart and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster. Clothing is most
sought after - items most needed include: flannelette Shirts, tight blue
jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots
and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.
Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
Beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $ 25:00 will be taken to buy a packet of Winny blue 25s
and a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

 

[Kildonan]

Q. What happened to the wooden car?

A. It wooden go.

-----------ooOOoo

Q. OK, then what about the steel car ?

A. Steel wooden go !

-----------ooOOoo


Q. How did the butcher introduce his wife?

A. Meat Pattie.

-----------ooOOoo


Q. What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the batmobile?

A. Robin, get in the batmobile.

-----------ooOOoo


Q. What do you call a fly with no wings?

A. A walk.

-----------ooOOoo


Q. Why was the tomato blushing?

A. Because it saw the salad dressing.

-----------ooOOoo

A mother, a father and a baby tomato are walking down the street when the baby starts to lag behind so the dad goes back and smashes the baby and says "ketchup"

-----------ooOOoo


Q. What do John the Baptist & Winnie the Pooh have in common?

A. Their middle name.

-----------ooOOoo


Q. What do you do with a sick budgie?

A. Give it some tweetment.

 

[Kildonan]

What do you call a man with a car on his head?

Jack

What do you call a girl with a steak on her head?

Barbie

What do you call a woman tied to a jetty?

Maude

What do you call a man with a shovel?

Doug

What do you call a man without a shovel?

Douglas

How do you confuse a man without a shovel?

You point to three shovels leaning against the shed and say "take your pick".

What do you call a lady in the distance?

Dot

What do you call a lady between two goal posts?

Annette

What do you call a lady with one leg?

Eileen

What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg?

Irene.

What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef.

What do you call a dog with no legs?

Doesn't matter, he ain't gonna come anyway...

What do you call a mexican carpet layer

Underlay

What do you call a Brazillian who's lost his car

Carlos

What do you call a good looking Lebanese Girl

Azif (Don't mean to be racist!)

What do you call a drunk Arabic guy

Hammad

What do you call a much more drunk Arabic guy

Mohammad

 

[Kildonan]

Two old mates had gone to the footy together all their lives. One day after the final siren Bill turned to Fred and said, “Promise me something mate, if you die before me please send me a sign that there’s football in heaven.” “No worries,” said Fred. Well unfortunately Fred did die and like he promised woke Bill up one night to give him the message. “Yes Bill the good news is, there is footy in heaven, but the there’s some bad news too, “What’s that,” whispered Bill. “You’re starting on the bench in tomorrow’s game.”

 

[Persevering Saint]

What's Orange and sounds like a Parrot?
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
A carrot.

 

[stkildathunda]

2 cops knocked on my door, when i answered one of them held up a photo and asked "is this your wife?" Shocked i answered yes, yes it is when the officer said sir it looks like she's been hit by a bus, to which i replied "she has a lovely personality though"

 

[Squizz]

*tears*

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/06/07/dalai-lama-to-impart-pr-wisdom-on-harry-obrien/

The Dalai Lama has confirmed he will meet Harry O’Brien on his next tour of Australia in order to impart public relations and social media wisdom upon the overrated Collingwood defender.

While one would reasonably expect a meeting with the Dalai Lama to contain some modicum of spiritual relevance, the 14th physical manifestation of the bodhisattva of compassion Avalokiteśvara, confirmed that his meeting with O’Brien would be “all business”.

“Whenever I’m not praying, I’m on Twitter” the latest reincarnation of a series of spiritual leaders who have chosen to be reborn in order to enlighten others said. “And when I’m on Twitter all I ever see is Harry ignorantly tweeting philosophical quotes out of context.”

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/06/01/eddie-mcguire-announces-historic-broadmeadows-visit/

In an effort to boost his flagging popularity after his sports-themed quiz-show Between The Lines was “boned“, Eddie McGuire has indicated his willingness to visit Broadmeadows for the first time in more than 25 years.

“It’s quite a coup really” Hume City Council Mayor Helen Patsikatheodorou said. “We basically sat him down and said ‘listen, if you’re going to tell the entire nation week after week on a painfully regular basis that you’re from Broady, then you can at least come and visit us once in a while.’”

“I’m thrilled” McGuire said on Triple M’s The Hot Breakfast this morning. “It’ll be great to see all the people I cut-out of my life as soon as my career took off.”

While McGuire and the Council are excited about the visit, locals aren’t so sure. “Who?” specialty-grocer Phoa Nuy Tran responded when asked if he was looking forward to McGuire’s visit. “I’ve got no idea who you’re talking about.”

The visit was originally scheduled to take place last month but had to be postponed after the keys to the city, which McGuire was to be presented with, were stolen during a recent burglary.

If you have any information as to the whereabouts of the keys, the Hume City Council asks that you call Crime Stoppers.

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/05/23/bitter-fallout-at-pies-as-maxwell-named-buckleys-successor/

Collingwood has savagely overreacted to its poor first-half against the Adelaide Crows yesterday by appointing Nick Maxwell as Nathan Buckley’s successor as head coach.

“It’s the succession plan to the succession plan” declared Magpies president Eddie McGuire whilst counting on one hand the number of viewers of his new show, Between the Lines.

“From the 2014 season we will have Nick overseeing the football department, with Nathan overseeing Nick overseeing the football department and Mick overseeing Nathan overseeing Nick overseeing the football department.”

Coach-in-waiting and renowned luck-box Maxwell was ecstatic with the news. “Collingwood’s overreaction just shows how innovative this club is.

“Critics will say I have no apparent potential as a coach but I have no apparent talent as a player and still somehow managed to captain a premiership side.”

At this stage of the interview, Harry O’Brien, sensing the presence of media, barged into the press room shouting “Hey look at me, I’m Brazilian!”

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/05/13/i-resent-fame-harry-obrien/

In a statement strategically timed to coincide with tonight’s top of the table clash, Harry O’Brien has declared that he resents the fame that accompanies his career as a slightly above-average AFL player.

“I just wish I could live a normal life” O’Brien said during his keynote speech at the gala launch of harryobrien.com.

“But you guys in the media just wont leave me alone” he told the roughly 300 journalists he had personally invited to the launch.

“Harry can’t understand why the media doesn’t pay more attention to other players with unique and compelling back-stories” Sophie Douglas, head of O’Brien’s team of 25 full-time PR advisors, said on Harry’s behalf because he was too busy tweeting the contents of his milkshake.

“It’s not like I tell everyone I’m from Brazil at every possible opportunity” O’Brien said before shouting “Oi! Did you know I was born in Brazil?” to a disinterested cocktail waitress.

 

[Squizz]

Re: Zac Dawson v Robert Walls

My new found favourite media outlet wrote an article on Walls a few days ago which I was almost going to post back then (but seems more topical now).

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/06/20/robert-walls-denies-accusations-of-original-thought/

Aging football journalist and renowned cynic, Robert Walls, has angrily denied sensational accusations of having an original thought during Channel 10's broadcast of the match between St Kilda and Geelong on Saturday night.

Walls, who has built a two-decade media career by passing off the ideas of others as his own, was fiercely defended by co-commentator, Stephen Quartermaine.

“The allegation is utter nonsense. I have worked with Wallsy for almost 10 years now, and I can categorically say that in that time, I have not heard him express one truly unique idea. Everything he says is someone else’s idea re-packaged.“

Upon being approached by The White Maggot for comment, Walls replied “The allegation is utter nonsense. I have worked with Stephen for almost 10 years now, and I can categorically say that in that time, I have not heard myself express one truly unique idea. Everything I say is someone else’s idea re-packaged.“

 

[Squizz]

Re: Zac Dawson v Robert Walls

Another article of theirs somehow seems even more relevant to the board today too.

http://thewhitemaggot.com/2011/06/2...t-adelaide-while-reciting-the-17-afl-teams-2/

Six year-old child prodigy Mahapandit Tagore can do close to anything he puts his mind to.

Already undertaking VCE mathematics at Melbourne’s Narre Warren Secondary College, he’s the Victorian under-12's spelling champion, can recite many Brahmanic-Sanskritic era texts in both Hindi and ancient Indo-Aryan, and last year received a standing ovation after a flawless rendition of Paganini’s Caprice No. 24 at the Boston Pops.

However, for all his academic feats, Mahapandit and his family were denied Australian citizenship yesterday when he couldn’t remember Port Adelaide whilst attempting to recite all 17 AFL teams as part of his Australian citizenship test.

“Essendon, Richmond, North Melbourne….ummmm…..sh!t!…I just cant do it” shouted Tagore as he stood before members of the Department of Immigration and Citizenship’s testing panel.

“They’re just so damn irrelevant. It’s so frustrating not being able to remember the… oh for f*ck sake, they’ve slipped my mind again! I don’t even know who I’m complaining about!”

Pro-immigration groups have leapt to the family’s defence. “This is another example of the federal government xenophobically shutting our nations doors” a rather unattractive protester shouted at the Department’s Canberra headquarters.

“This test is designed for people to fail! It’s simply impossible, no one ever remembers Port Adelaide!”

 

[Squizz]

A few more from The White Maggot.

Ratten declares his tactical nous saved Blues from annihilation

Carlton coach Brett Ratten has declared his own tactical nous in the face of adversity spared his side from annihilation at the hands of the Western Bulldogs on Sunday evening.

“With the game getting away from us, I really had to think outside the box” declared Ratten yesterday whilst ducking an errant 15 meter kick from Andrew Carrazzo.

“I had my hands tied. With his injury in the second quarter, I was robbed of my one and only move – switching Jarrod Waite to the backline.

“I had to do something dramatic” the coaching genius said.

“Then it hit me harder than a draft sanction for an outrageous salary cap breach… we should swap Eddie Betts and Jeff Garlett from one forward pocket to the other… it changed the course of the game.”

The Club is asking Blues supporters with any information on the whereabouts of Betts and Garlett to contact the Carlton Football Club on 1300-FRONT-RUNNER after they were reported missing on Sunday at 4:40pm.

Poignant, considered Lloyd observation leaves viewers stunned

Matthew Lloyd stunned his Channel Ten co-hosts and viewers alike on Saturday night when he provided meaningful insight into the Richmond Football Club’s psyche which ultimately proved true.

During a light-hearted exchange lacking the requisite rapport one would expect from a professional commentary team, Lloyd quipped to Robert Walls that “Richmond will crack under pressure.”

Walls did his best to shrug off the seemingly predictable biased aside, but lead commentator Stephen Quartermain visibly recoiled as Lloyd’s prophesy came to fruition when the Bombers piled on the next ten goals of the match.

“I just didn’t want to be there” Quartermaine told The White Maggot as he left Cabrini Private yesterday morning after being treated for shock. “All I wanted to do was go home, hug my son and let him know that everything was going to be alright.”

Channel Ten is believed to have received thousands of complaints from concerned viewers after the usually mono-syllabic Lloyd then proceeded to deliver a coherent and poignant attack on the Gillard government’s proposed carbon tax during the fourth quarter.

Buckley to coach as Malthouse hospitalised following Kangaroos praise

Nathan Buckley will make his AFL coaching debut this weekend after Collingwood Football Club coach Mick Malthouse was hospitalised yesterday when the club’s medical department detected signs of dementia in the 57-year old coaching supremo.

It is believed club doctors first became concerned for Malthouse’s wellbeing after he heaped praise on the North Melbourne Football Club during a press conference yesterday, at one point even claiming the Kangaroos had “a wonderful chance to [finish] in the eight.”

“Right now Mick is very confused” Magpies club doctor David Francis said this morning. “He’s still steadfast in his praise for Brent Harvey and he insists the shinboner spirit is tactile.”

“I think I even heard him say Dayne Beams has a commendable moral compass.”

“To develop such irrational and indefensible beliefs so quickly can only be rapidly progressive dementia.”

Collingwood club president Eddie McGuire, speaking during his highly anticipated historic visit to Broadmedows, apologised to North Melbourne and its 27-paid up members for any hopes Malthouse’s comments may have raised.

Study: unwarranted arrogance among Carlton supporters at all-time high

Unwarranted arrogance amongst Carlton Football Club supporters is about 10 times as prevalent today as it was in the 2000′s, according to Australia’s largest study ever on the problem. Some of the increase is the result of widened definitions of the disorder, researchers say, but the explanation for the rest of the increase is a complete mystery.

The study, conducted in metropolitan Melbourne during rounds 1 to 11 this AFL season, found that 7.4 in every 10 male Carlton supporters aged 14 to 59 had shown signs of mild to severe arrogance during the observation period, even though their team hadn’t really beaten anyone of note. By contrast, in the mid 2000′s, only the most delusional of Carlton fans were thought to be afflicted.

The higher rate, described in today’s issue of the Journal of the Australian Medical Association, is in line with rates found in a recent smaller study of Essendon supporters during rounds 1 to 7. It is understood the arrogance of the Essendon testing sample has since moderated.

The researchers, from the federal Centre for Ego Control and Prevention, said the public should not be concerned as arrogance among Carlton supporters will revert to tolerable levels when the Blues choke in the first week of the finals.

Bombers shock: Stanton registers only 5 clangers

The football world was in shock on Saturday night as the final siren sounded on Essendon’s match against Geelong – Brent Stanton had registered just 5 clangers.

“I’m honestly speechless… I can’t describe what I’ve just witnessed” 30-year Bombers member Andrew Taylor said as he left Etihad Stadium. “It was like it wasn’t him… he even looked poised at times.”

Clangers, unforced turnovers or mistakes made by a player, have been a distinctive feature of Stanton’s game since debuting with the Bombers in 2004. Saturday night’s 5 errors marked a career-low clanger tally for Stanton. Remarkably, that figure includes games where Stanton has recorded less than 5 possessions.

“I think people will remember this night for a long time” declared former Essendon champion and inherently conflicted media “expert” Matthew Lloyd.

“Not so much for the complete fluke of a result, but for the fact that Brent’s skill errors were only directly attributable to 5 opposition goals.”

The White Maggot understands the AFL media has agreed to attribute Stanton’s improved performance to James Hird’s coaching ability. It follows reports that the Essendon Football Club and journalists colluded to have the club’s recent form slump attributed to legacy issues following Matthew Knights’ coaching reign.

North Melbourne greats defend Harvey as Eade names Monfries “worst stager”

North Melbourne greats have rallied around their club’s embattled skipper Brent Harvey this morning after Western Bulldogs coach Rodney Eade yesterday labelled Essendon’s Angus Monfries the AFL’s most prolific diver.

“Brent has paid his dues… he waited patiently for Matthew Lloyd to retire so he could assume the throne legitimately” Glenn Archer said. “To suggest Angus is a bigger cheat completely undermines Brent’s legacy and trivialises everything he’s worked so hard for.”

Harvey and Kangaroos coach Brad Scott are believed to have phoned Eade to air their disgust with his comments.

“I don’t think Rodney appreciates how much effort Brent puts into his staging” Scott said. “When other blokes have finished for the night, you’ll find Brent out there practicing buckling at the knees or clipping his own heels… he’s always looking for a new way to con an umpire.”

Dual Kangaroos premiership player and Fox Sports commentator David King said that he is, and always will be, in awe of Harvey’s blatant disregard for sportsmanship.

“I could never stoop that low myself, I’ve got too much pride” King said. “But I respect him immensely… he invented planking for Christ’s sake!”



Brent Harvey: I invented ‘planking’

Vertically challenged North Melbourne champion Brent Harvey is adamant he is the architect behind the fast-growing internet craze ‘planking’.

Harvey declared exclusively to The White Maggot that planking, the act of lying face-down outstretched in a public space, has been part of his game since his junior days. Harvey felt the need to go public on the matter after several media reports claimed planking was the brain-child of Matthew Lloyd and Joel Selwood.

“Every time I feel contact on the football field – I just instantly plank. I’ve found it a very successful way to win completely unwarranted free kicks” Harvey claimed whilst taking a break from lambasting teammate Lachie Hansen.

“The media have called it diving in the past – but that’s just not the correct terminology. What I do is instantly adopt a motionless horizontal position upon sensing potential contact and then immediately return to my feet upon hearing the umpire’s whistle. That’s textbook planking.”

At this stage of the interview Harvey excused himself as he feared he may miss an opportunity to antagonistically berate a vulnerable teammate.

 

[stkildathunda]

A girl came up to me in a bar - short skirt, **** like ripe fruit, hair in a pony tail.
"What would you say if I told you I was wearing no underwear?" she breathed.

"I'd say 'neither am I'."

She raised her eyebrows. "Really? I'm wearing none because it gives men like you..." she licked her lips, "easy access..."

"Oh?" I replied. "I've got none on because I shat myself in the gents."