Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."


I know he means well.

 

[Andrewy]

How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?


A frog says, "Ribbit, ribbit" and a horny toad says, "Rub it, rub it.”

 

[Deliverance]

My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water."


I know he means well.

Well, well, well...



3 holes in the ground

 

[Andrewy]

Well, well, well...



3 holes in the ground

Reminds of this oldie...


Paddy wants a job, but the foreman won’t hire him until he passes a little maths test.
Here is your first question, the foreman says. “Without using numbers, represent the number 9.”
“Without numbers?” Paddy says? “Dat’s easy.” And proceeds to draw three trees.
“What’s this?” the boss asks.
“Have you no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9” says Paddy.

“Fair enough,” says the boss. “Here’s your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99.”
Paddy stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a smudge on each tree.. “Ere ye go.”
The boss scratches his head and says, “How on earth do you get that to represent 99?”
“Each of them trees is dirty now. So, it’s dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99.”

The boss is getting worried that he’s going to actually have to hire Paddy, so he says, “All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100.”
Paddy stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, “Ere ye go. One hundred.”
The boss looks at the attempt. “You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!” Paddy leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers,

“A little dog came along and pooped by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!”

 

[philreich]

When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.

11th year biology exam when I went to school. The question was, "Why does a stork stand on 1 leg in the water?" One of the students (no, not me) wrote, "Because if it stood on 2 legs, the fish would know it was a stork, and if it stood on no legs, it'd fall in the water." The teacher apparently marked it wrong, but gave the student an honourable mention for originality.

 

[Deliverance]

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What do you call a Hispanic girl wearing a hat?
Fedora the Explorer.

 

[Andrewy]

I wasn't going to get a brain transplant. But then I changed my mind.

 

[Andrewy]

There's a new type of broom in stores. It's sweeping the nation!

 

[Wallaby]

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."... Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

You should try donating a kidney. I thought I'd be applauded for my noble act. But, no.


'Whos is it?'. 'Where did you get it?'. On and on and on...........

 

[Andrewy]

I’ve been getting into astronomy so I installed a skylight.


The people who live above me are furious.

 

[Andrewy]

Recently, John Travolta was hospitalized for suspected COVID-19.


But doctors found that it was just a Saturday Night Fever, so he’s Staying Alive.

 

[Andrewy]

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange lemonade.


It was more of a fanta sea

 

[Andrewy]

Sponges grow in the ocean.


That just kills me. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn’t happen.

 

[Andrewy]

I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract.

No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.

 

[Andrewy]

My brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment I get up in the morning and doesn't stop until I get to work.

 

[Andrewy]

How much energy does it take to electrocute someone ?


One killer-watt.

 

[Andrewy]

Two men who overdosed on curry powder for a dare are now in hospital.


Now.. one’s in a korma and the other’s got a dodgy tikka.

 

[Wallaby]

When I was a baby my parents used to bath me in cheap beer. It wasn't until I was 18 I realised I'd been fostered.

 

[Andrewy]

Why is the word "dark" spelt with a K not a C ?


Because you can't C in the dark.

 

[Andrewy]

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?


Oh Sheet.

 

[Andrewy]

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?


There was nothing left but de brie.

 

[Andrewy]

Did you know that Davy Crockett had three ears?


His left ear, his right ear and his wild frontier.

 

[Wallaby]

Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?


There was nothing left but de brie.

I was walking past the French Bread factory when it exploded.

I've got pain all over now.

 

[philreich]

Our dog swallowed a plastic knife and fork yesterday. We had to rush him to the vet, to get his utensils out.