Lame Jokes Part 2

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Stupid, No One and Nobody stay at a hotel. Nobody takes the room at the bottom, Stupid in the middle and No One is at the top.

Stupid looks out of the window. No One throws a plant pot on his head.

Stupid goes to the police.

Stupid: "No One threw a plant pot on my head!"

Police Officer: "Are there any witnesses?"

Stupid: "Yeah, Nobody!"

Police Officer: "Are you stupid?"

Stupid: "Yes, that’s me!"
 
There was a man who was taking out the trash when he saw this bear on his roof. He is like "Oh my God! I have to call the animal police to get this fixed right away!" So he calls them and they say that they will be there in 15 mins. When the officer arrived, he brings a ladder, a baseball bat, a trained dog and a tranquilizer gun. The man goes "What are you going to do?" and the officer replies. "Well, I'm going to use this ladder to climb up to the roof and beat the bear off of it. Then my dog is specially trained to run up to it and squeeze it’s balls until it has become paralyzed. "Wow, thats cool" the man replies. Then the officer gives him the tranquilizer gun. The man was confused and asked the officer "What is this for?" The officer looked at him and says "If I fall instead of the bear, shoot the dog."
 
A scientist and a poet were traveling in the same compartment on a train. They had never met before, so naturally there wasn’t much conversation between the two.

The poet was minding his own business, looking out the window at the beauty of the passing terrain. The scientist was very uptight, trying to think of things he didn’t know so he could try to figure them out. Finally, the scientist was so bored that he said to the poet, "Hey, do you want to play a game?" The poet, being content with what he was doing, ignored him and continued looking out the window, humming quietly to himself. This infuriated the scientist, who irritably asked again, "Hey, you, do you want to play a game? I'll ask you a question, and if you get it wrong, you give me $5. Then, YOU ask ME a question, and if I can’t answer it, I'll give YOU $5."

The poet thought about this for a moment, but he decided against it, seeing that the scientist was obviously a very bright man. He politely turned down the scientist’s offer.

The scientist, who by this time was going mad, tried a final time. "Look, I'll ask you a question, and if you can’t answer it, you give me $5. Then you ask ME a question, and if I can’t answer it, I'll give you $50!" Now, the poet was not that smart academically, but he wasn’t totally stupid. He readily accepted the offer. "Okay," the scientist said, "what is the EXACT distance between the Earth and the Moon?" The poet, obviously not knowing the answer, didn’t stop to think about the scientist’s question.

He took a $5 bill out of his pocket and handed it to the scientist. The scientist happily accepted the bill and promptly said, "Okay, now it’s your turn."

The poet thought about this for a few minutes and then asked, "All right, what goes up a mountain on three legs, but comes down on four?"

The bright glow quickly vanished from the scientist’s face. He thought about this for a long time, taking out his notepad and making numerous calculations. He finally gave up on his notepad and took out his laptop, using his multimedia encyclopedia. After about an hour of this, the poet quietly watching the mountains of Colorado go by the whole time, the scientist FINALLY gave up. He reluctantly handed the poet a $50 bill. The poet accepted it graciously, turning back to the window.

"Wait!" the scientist shouted. "You can't do this to me! What's the answer?" The poet looked at the scientist and calmly put a $5 bill into his hand.
 

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"my racing snail wasn't winning, so i decided to make him more aerodynamic by removing its shell. didn't work. if anything, he's more sluggish."
 
Man walking down a dark, narrow lane in a rough part of Belfast. Suddenly feels something sticking into his back and a voice barks "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"

Priding himself on his quick thinking he replies "Neither, I'm a Jew."

And the voice replies, "bugger me, I must be the luckiest Palestinian in Belfast."
 
An American man is riding a train in a European country. His seatmate knows some English, and they end up chatting. The seatmate asks if the American has children. The American says no.

"Ah, so sad," says the European. "Your wife, she is impregnable?"

"Well, um, that's not exactly the word," says the American.

"Oh!" interrupts the European. "I mean, she is inconceivable?"

"Um, not quite..." the American begins, only to be interrupted again.

"Oh, no, that isn't right," says the European. "She is, what is it, she is unbearable?"

"Well, actually, that's pretty much sums it up," says the American.
 
A young nun joined an order which allowed her to say only two words every ten years.

After the first ten years, she said to the Mother Superior "Bed hard."

Ten years later, she said "Shit food."

Ten years later, she said "I quit."

The Mother Superior said, "I'm not surprised, you've done nothing but complain since you got here."
 
An old Italian Mafia "Don" is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed.

"Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome-plated 38 revolver so you always remember me."

"But, Grandpa, I really don't lika guns. Howz about you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"

"Shuddup an'a lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a bigga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find your wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then ... Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up'?"
 

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After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviews the rescuer's file and called him into his office. "Mr James," says the official, "Your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck." "Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
 
Bomber32 said:
One night a guy had a terrible nightmare, he was so scared that in his sleep he chewed his pillow absolutely to bits. The next day a friend asked him how he was doing and he said "Oh, a little down in the mouth."
Click to expand...
an oldie but a goodie...

still Bert from Mary Poppins wants his joke back :p
 
An old man and his wife went to the doctor for a check-up. While the man is with the doctor, the doctor asks him, "So how has life been treating you?" The old man replies, "The Lord's been good to me. Every night when I go to the bathroom, He turn's the light on and when I'm finished, He turns the light off." While the old woman is with the doctor, the doctor tells her what her husband said. She replied "Damn it! The old fart's been pissing in the ice box again!"
 
Three scientists went on an expedition searching for the rare square bird. The square bird was named so because it was square and could only look at square shapes. If it saw any other shape it would immediately die.

The scientists at last landed on Square Island. They disembarked from their square boat and went off in search of the square bird. After many hours of looking in the square trees they at last found the rare bird. They put it in a square cage and put a square cover over the cage so the bird could not see anything. They took it back with them.

When the scientists arrived back home they arranged for a special viewing night at a square building for people to come and see the square bird. People who were invited were told to wear only square shaped clothes. The chairs and lights were square and the cage was placed on a square stage.

At last the moment came when the bird was to be revealed. A lot of effort had gone into making sure everything in the building was sqaure shaped and organisers were confident they had everything set up so as not to harm the bird.

One of the scientists slowly removed the cover. All was fine and the people were so awed at the magnificent spectacle that they immediately broke out into a round of applause. The bird gave a loud shreik, keeled over and died.
 
Three men are captured and charged with treason. They were to be shot at morning.

The three men were lined up on the back wall of the compound and would be shot one by one.

The commander stays "Ready... Aim... " and before he said fire the first man yelled "Tornado! Tornado!"

When the soldiers turned the man ran and jumped the wall.

Then the commander turned around and saw the first man ran away he decided to let him go and move on.

This gave the second guy an idea.

The commander said "Ready... Aim... " and before he said fire the second guy said "Hurricane! Hurricane!"

When the soldiers turned the second man jumped the wall.

This gave the third man an idea. Since it seemed the soldiers were extremely stupid he assumed they would fall for the same trick for a third time.

So when the commander started before he said fire the third man yelled "Fire! Fire!"
 
I was sitting at the bar, and the brunette sitting next to me rolled her eyes at me, so I picked them up and rolled them back. I decided to leave and go back to my apartment. When I got there, I decided to take the elevator upstairs. Gee it was heavy! I finally got into my room, and closed the door. I walked into the kitchen and heard a tap on the door. What a funny place to keep a tap. I glanced toward the window, and noticed a tall blonde walking past my window. I KNOW she was tall, because I live on the 3rd floor...
 
I was driving when I saw the flash of a traffic camera. I figured that my picture had been taken for exceeding the limit even though I knew that I was not speeding.

Just to be sure, I went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

Now I began to think that this was quite funny, so I drove even slower as I passed the area once more, but the traffic camera again flashed.

I tried a fourth and fifth time with the same results and was now laughing as the camera flashed while I rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, I got five tickets in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

You just can't fix stupid.
 

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Lame Jokes Part 2

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