Lame jokes

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A man walks into a fish and chip shop with a fish under his arm.

"Do you have any fishcakes?" he asks.

"Yes, of course," says the fish and chip shop owner.

"Great," replies the man, nodding at the fish under his arm, "It's his birthday."
 
The ship was sinking fast and four sailors were able to get a
lifeboat into the water and climb into it safely.

They decided to have a cigarette and relax a few moments before
starting their journey to safety. The cigarettes were dry, but
all their matches were wet and they had no way to light their
cigarettes.

Finally, one of the sailors came up with a solution. He threw a
cigarette overboard.

This worked well. They were able to smoke, because...

...the lifeboat had become a cigarette lighter.
 
A couple lived near the ocean and used to walk the beach a lot. one summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach pretty much every day.

She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing; she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around furtively, then speak to them.

Generally the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money and something she carried in her bag.

The couple assumed she was selling drugs, and debated calling the Cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her.

After a couple of weeks the wife said, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?"

He hadn't, and said so.

Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing."

Well, the plan went off without a hitch and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and
then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife at the road.

"Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly.

"No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have.

"Well, what is it, then? What does she do?" his wife fairly shrieked.

The man grinned and said, "Her name is Sally, and she's a battery salesperson."

"Batteries?" cried the wife.

"Yes..." he replied...

"She sells C cells down by the seashore."
 

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The conductor of the New York symphony orchestra was in mid concert, when he noticed he'd made a slight mistake. He finished the concert, but the mistake weighed on his mind so much, that after the following night's concert, he turned to the audience and said "I made a mistake in last night's show. It was only a minor one, but one a conductor of my standing should never have made. Therefore, I announce my retirement from conducting, effective immediately."

He then walked off stage, but was approached by the orchestra's manager, who reminded him he had a contract, and if he retired now, he'd be in breach of it and would get sued.

When he got home, he crawled into bed beside his wife and said "Honey, could you get me a pistol tomorrow?" His wife nodded, rolled over, and went to sleep.

The next night, the conductor stood in front of the orchestra, with the pistol concealed in his jacket. Just before the intermission, the conductor whipped his gun out and shot the tuba player. He was taken away by the cops, found guilty of one count of murder, and sent to the electric chair.

On the day of the execution, he was asked what his final wish would be. "I'd love to have a banana," he replied. After eating the banana, the warden flicked the switch, but nothing happened. Since the law stated a man couldn't be sentenced to death twice for the same murder, he was free to go. However, as he walked out the door, he was stopped by the orchestra manager, who showed the conductor the contract and told him he had to go back to work.

That night, the conductor asked his wife if she could get him a hand grenade. She nodded, rolled over and went to sleep.

The next night the conductor returned to work with the hand grenade in his pocket. Halfway through the first section of the performance, the conductor grabbed his hand grenade, turned around and lobbed it into the crowd, killing 35 people. He was again whisked away by the cops, found guilty on 35 counts of murder and given the death penalty. This time, the voltage to the chair was tripled in order to avoid a repeat of what happened the last time.

Again, he was given one last request. "I'd like a bunch of bananas" he said. After eating the bananas, the warden flicked the switch, but again nothing happened, so the conductor was allowed to go again. Once more, he was stopped by the orchestra manager, who told him to go back to work.

As he crawled into bed that night, the conductor asked his wife if she could get him a rocket launcher. She nodded, rolled over and went to sleep.

The next night, the conductor didn't even bother to start the show. Walking on stage, he yelled "**** you all", and fired a rocket into the orchestra pit, instantly killing all 120 members. Once again, he was led away by the police, found guilty on 120 charges of murder, and given the death penalty. This time, the authorities redirected 200,000 volts to go through the electric chair, hoping this would do the job.

Again given one final request, the conductor asked for a plate of bananas. After consuming the bananas, the warden flicked the switch, but yet again nothing happened.

Incredulous, the warden said to the conductor, "I don't get it. This is the third time we've tried to fry you, but we've failed each time. How do you do it? Does it have something to do with the bananas?"

"No, it's got nothing to do with the damn bananas," he replied, "I've been trying to tell you guys for months. I'm just a bad conductor!"
 
Two historians were visiting Iraq to look for Mesopotanian artifacts when they were kidnapped. But they managed to escape from their kidnappers and took sanctuary in an old ziggurat, an old temple. Relieved, they had a smoke, but accidentally set the old temple on fire, and upon escaping the flames were immediately recaptured by the kidnappers.
The moral of the story - smoking ziggurats is bad for your stealth.
 
Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before--the kind of town where you shave and the trolley stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house and sat down hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally after waiting for so long, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced and the lion tamer tamed. As the finale, clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of the ring and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"


The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up. The clown then says, "Well-l-l-l-l-l, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"
The entire crowd burst out into laughter. The young man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then quickly made his way through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, he wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor.


Eventually reason overcame his grief and the young man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," he exclaimed. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an ad for a class in "Quick Wit Retort."


"Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!"
So the young man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the young man mastered the materials and sent the final back to UNLV. Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read: "Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses."


To make a long story short, the young man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions and when he graduated, the graduation speaker, General Colin Powell (U.S. Army, Ret.), awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by George W Bush himself! Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a Lear jet to pick the man up for an interview.


The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the young man promptly moved to Cambridge. In five years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the young man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which, of course, made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.


One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the young man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the young man's face. "Hobbs," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the purple mountains majesty and the fruited plains, the young man savored the moment of victory that was to be his. He arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get that very special seat: Section A, row Y, seat 42.


Finally, the circus began. The trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of the ring and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"


The young man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready. The clown looks up at him and says, "Well-l-l-l-l, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"


The young man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He knew from his years of training that there was only one thing he could do. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "**** YOU, CLOWN!"
 
A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.

The lawyer said, "How can I help you?"

The farmer said, "I want to get one of them thar dayvorces."

The lawyer said, "Do you have any grounds?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got me 40 acres"

The lawyer said, "No, no, you don't understand, Do you have a suit?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays."

The lawyer said, "No, no, I mean, do you have a case?"

The farmer said, "No, I ain't got a case, but I got a fine John Deere."

The lawyer said, "No, I mean, do you have a grudge?"

The farmer said, "Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere"

The lawyer said, "Does your wife beat you up or something?"

The farmer said, "No, we both get up at 4:30."

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question.

The lawyer said, "Is your wife a nagger?"

The farmer said, "No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger, and that's why I wants me a dayvorce."
 
During a ride in a taxicab, the rider touched the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question.

Upon the touch, the cab driver flinched, screamed, then went into a panic and almost wrecked the cab. Finally the driver got control and pulled to the side of the road.

Still shaking, he turned to his rider and apologized. He said, "Sorry about that. This is my first day as a cab driver. For the past 20 years I have driven a hearse".
 
I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.

Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.

What! You've never heard of...wind chilled vipers?
 

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What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?
Popeye beat the crap out of him.



Mickey Mouse wanted to get a divorce from Minnie. He told his lawyer what his grounds for divorce were, but his lawyer said insanity wasn't a valid reason.

"I never said she was insane," pleaded Mickey. "I said she was ******* Goofy!"
 
One day a bloke is down at the bottom of his garden clearing out some weeds, when he hears a rustling in the bushes. Investigating, he discovers an extremely strange-looking animal, not very big, with two heads, green fur, long pink horns, and wings like an eagle.

"What on earth...?" he says out loud, to which the creature replies "I'm a rarie".

"A rarie?!" asks the bloke, astonished.

"Yeah, we're very rare, hence rarie."

Anyway, as the bloke is a kindly sort, he decides to take the rarie in to look after it. But pretty soon he starts finding the rarie a drain on his resources, due to its phenomenal appetite. So he places an ad in the paper offering it for free to a good home.

The rarie is then adopted by a vet fascinated by a chance to discover this new creature, but again finds that the rarie's needs are beyond his recourses. So he offers the rarie to Taronga Zoo, who gladly take him in.

At first the rarie is a tremendous hit, and visitor numbers are right up. But after a while, when the novelty has faded, even the zoo are finding its upkeep just not worth the expense, so they decide to do away with it. So they take it on the back of a ute out to the Gap at Watson's Bay.

As they're about to tip it off the edge, the rarie looks down and starts to sing:

"It's a long way to tip a rarie..."
 
TheStinger said:
Once upon a time, a young man went to the circus. He was very excited, as he lived in western Manitoba and had never seen a circus before--the kind of town where you shave and the trolley stops. Anyway, as circus days drew nigh, the young man grew ever more excited. He arrived before dawn to get the best seat in the house and sat down hours before the first trapeze act.

Finally after waiting for so long, the trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced and the lion tamer tamed. As the finale, clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of the ring and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"


The young man looked at his ticket, and to his surprise, he was sitting in that very seat. The young man stood up. The clown then says, "Well-l-l-l-l-l, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"
The entire crowd burst out into laughter. The young man, dumbfounded, stood for a moment, then quickly made his way through crowd and out of the tent. Returning home, he wept for days, and mourned the loss of dignity and honor.


Eventually reason overcame his grief and the young man grew determined. "I'm not going to get mad, I'm going to get even and avenge the honor of myself, my family, and this town," he exclaimed. He picked up the curriculum guide for the University of Nevada at Las Vegas (UNLV) correspondence courses and started to read. Eventually his eyes came to rest on an ad for a class in "Quick Wit Retort."


"Learn how to use those snappy comebacks to your advantage, now!"
So the young man sent in his $19.95 and soon received the course materials. In a few weeks, the young man mastered the materials and sent the final back to UNLV. Much to his surprise, a registered letter arrived from the president of UNLV. It read: "Dear Sir: We are utterly flabbergasted at your performance in Quick Wit Retort 101. We would be most gratified if you could come to UNLV to complete your degree with our fine academic institution. Here's a check to cover your expenses."


To make a long story short, the young man made straight A's in the QWR program. He was awarded numerous distinctions and when he graduated, the graduation speaker, General Colin Powell (U.S. Army, Ret.), awarded the man the Presidential Medal of Outstanding Quick Wit Retort, signed by George W Bush himself! Some days afterward, Harvard University sent a Lear jet to pick the man up for an interview.


The graduate admissions officer didn't mince words. "If you complete our masters/doctoral tenured track program in QWR, you will never have to worry about money again," said he. Needless to say, the young man promptly moved to Cambridge. In five years, the man had finished his doctorate. By this time, the young man was known throughout the world as the leading expert in Quick Wit Retort. Word had even reached western Manitoba, which, of course, made his mother very proud. Everyone from Pentagon pundits to Beltway bandits consulted the man on technical questions of QWR.


One day, while sitting at his desk reading his hometown newspaper, the young man noticed that the circus was coming to his hometown again. An evil smile crossed the young man's face. "Hobbs," cried the man to his assistant, "We must be away to Manitoba. Ready the jet!" As the plane crossed the purple mountains majesty and the fruited plains, the young man savored the moment of victory that was to be his. He arrived at the circus tent very early, making sure to get that very special seat: Section A, row Y, seat 42.


Finally, the circus began. The trapeze artists gave an awe-inspiring performance, the elephants danced, and the lion tamer tamed. At last, the clowns came out in full regalia and green hair. They rode around by the gross in a purple Volkswagen. The Volksie pulled up to center of the ring and an overweight clown with orange hair, acne, and a purple nose advanced to the podium: "Will the person in section A, row Y, seat 42 please stand up?"


The young man glanced at his ticket. This time he was ready. The clown looks up at him and says, "Well-l-l-l-l, there's the horse's ass, now where's the rest of the horse?"


The young man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He knew from his years of training that there was only one thing he could do. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "**** YOU, CLOWN!"
Click to expand...

I both pissed and shat myself at that punchline...
 
TheStinger said:
The young man rose to his feet, full of confidence. He knew from his years of training that there was only one thing he could do. He thrust out his chest and said in the loudest voice you can imagine: "**** YOU, CLOWN!"
Click to expand...

sorry ... I dont get it?:confused:
 
Little Mary comes home from school and mum asks her how her day was "Well Mummy, little Johnny showed me his winky in the playground today" Mother enraged at the thought didn't have time to ask a question when Mary proceded to tell her mum that "it reminded me of a peanut". Mum somewhat relieved asked Mary "Tiny was it?" "No" Mary replied, "Salty."
 
A contractor hired two brothers to install home siding.

He demonstrated the process and sent them off to their first job.

Things were going smoothly when the older brother saw that his younger brother was throwing nails away. He asked; "Why are you throwing those nails away?"

The younger brother replied, "The heads are on the wrong end."

The older brother laughed, "You idiot. Those are for the other side of the house."
 
Evan and Dai were lost in the desert, and were dying of thirst.

All at once they saw a collection of tents and market stalls in the distance. They rushed into the first and asked if they sold water. "No," replied the Arab within, "We only have custard."

The men went into the next tent and asked the same question. "I'm sorry," said the second Arab, "We only sell jelly."

Perplexed, the men went to the last stall in the market, once again asking if there is any water to spare. "A thousand apologies," said the Arab, "We only have spongecakes."

The men left, disappointed and a little confused. "That was weird," said Evan. "Yes," replied Dai, "It was a trifle bazaar."
 
This guy walks into a bar with this really great shirt on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shirt, mate?" The man replies, "David Jones."

This 2nd guy walks into the bar with really good pants on and the bartender goes "Where'd you get the great pants, mate?" The man replies, " David Jones."

This 3rd guy walks into the bar with really great shoes and socks on. The bartender goes, "Where'd you get the great shoes and socks, mate?" The man replies, "David Jones."

Then this 4th guy runs in naked and the bartender goes, "Look, who the hell are you, mate?" And the naked guy says, "I'm David Jones!"
 
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married again -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation: "He is a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she would mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
 
Jack was due to get married to his fiancee Jenny in less then a week.
The only problem he had with it was his fiancee had a smoking hot sister. Jack had numerous fantasies about the sister even while with jenny.
3 days before the wedding Jack was at Jenny's parents house. Jenny and her parents had ducked out for a moment, leaving behind the sister.
Jenny's sister Linda walked into the lounge in a skimpy top and the shortest shorts possible, leaving not much to the imagination.
Linda started to bend over and asked Jack 'Do you want some?'
Jack immeadiately walked outside. There waiting was Jenny and her parents. Jenny's dad says to Jack "Congratulations you have passed our test I am very happy to give my daughter to you."
Whats the moral of the story?
Always keep your condoms in your wallet not the car.
 
Bomber32 said:
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married again -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation: "He is a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then asked her if she would mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained: "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
Click to expand...
nice one lol :D
 
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