- May 23, 2012
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Hello, and welcome to another week in the never-ending soap opera that is the NBA.
Yes, it's that time of the NBA year, where the 'haves' buy, the 'have-nots' sell, and stewie griffen 's Bulls do nothing because they really like their team. If the Bulls were a soapie character, they'd be Toadie from Neighbours.
Accordingly, it also means it's time for LeBron to post cryptic, passive-aggressive emojis on Twitter, and for awful teams with awful GMs to hand over good players to the Lakers for peanuts, because that's just how the NBA works, dammit. Oh and also it's apparently time for Doc Rivers to get hired again - talk about recycling the script! Like sands through the hourglass...
Anyway, now that Northy has returned fromrehab the annual BigFooty Moderators Conference, let's get back to Part Two of our look at the league's +/- duds and studs - this time featuring the Best - and Worst - of the West.
NORTHWEST DIVISION
Minnesota Timberwolves
Hero: Could probably share this among the triumvirate of Gobert, Conley and Edwards. When they're on court, good things happen.
Zero: The Wolves don't have the league's best bench, but even so the Shake Milton experiment (-10.7) hasn't worked.
Surprise: Probably the fact that Naz Reid (+1.4) is tracking better than KAT (-1.0) thus far is mildly surprising.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Hero: Here, as in seemingly all things, SGA (+13.0) excels. He probably has a perfect singing voice too, bastard.
Zero: Very harsh to pick on a 20 year old who has barely played spot minutes, but Ousmane Dieng (-10.1) looks two years away from being two years away. Again it's harsh, but this is also the guy the Thunder traded multiple firsts to get their hands on. And was technically drafted before Jalen Williams. Oh well, plenty more first rounders where that came from for Sam Presti.
Surprise: The delightfully-named Isaiah 'Ugly Kid' Joe (+3.5) has helped lead a bench bunch who have over-achieved. Quick, name three players from the Thunder's bench! Just say 'Williams', you have a pretty good chance of being right. Whoever they all are, they all defend at a high level, hence OKC being 34-15.
Denver Nuggets
Hero: You know this is a tough division when the defending champs, with a 34-16 record, are only placing third. Anyway, here's some Earth-shattering news - Nikola Jokic (+18.9) is very, very good at basketball.
Zero: Given they've had to fill their bench with second round picks and vets barely hanging on in search of a ring, it's hardly a surprise that the Nuggets are very much a starting-five dominated squad. Nobody epitomises this 'penthouse to outhouse' drop-off quite like DeAndre Jordan (-13.6).
Surprise: Lack of free throws? I kid, I kid. The Nuggets are the least surprising team in the league, but I guess if you're looking for something new, then Justin Holiday (+0.1) has fit in OK as a min contract pleb.
Utah Jazz
Hero: Lauri Markkanen (+10.8) is very important for the Jazz. I was secretly hoping he'd suck, just so I'd have something interesting to write about here. Did you know that Finnish is actually not an Indo-European language? There, that's better.
Zero: John Collins (-10.5) was a 'tweener in Atlanta, and has continued to be a man without a position in Salt Lake City. Luckily for him, he's not a man without a contract.
Surprise: With apologies to Simeone Fontecchio (+4.1), Kris Dunn (+12.1) owns this category. In fact he's vying with a certain Aussie in Dallas for 'Best Former #5 draft pick non-shooting point guard Redemption Story' in the NBA.
Portland Trail Blazers
Hero: Malcolm Brogdon (+9.1) probably deserves a home somewhere.
Zero: Anfernee Simons (-7.8) really needs to work on his defence.
Surprise: Duop Reath (+9.2) is the poster child for 27 year old rookies everywhere. Also surprising is the fact that Andrew Nicholson is still drawing nearly $3 million in salary from the Blazers this season - not bad for a guy who hasn't played an NBA game in seven years. Any chance I can get put on the stretch-and-waive provision, peternorth ?
DeAndre Jordan's infamous chair plays better defence than he does nowadays.
SOUTHWEST DIVISION
New Orleans Pelicans
Hero: The Pels are the anti-Nuggets - here, the bench mob rules, none more so than Grand Theft Alvarado (+9.3)
Zero: Zion (-4.3) needs to get his arse into gear, or at least deflate one of the airbags.
Surprise: That the Pels statistically have a top-10 defence is largely thanks to the bench, and the likes of Naji Marshall (+6.5).
Dallas Mavericks
Hero: Derrick Lively (+10.8) makes you wonder why the Mavs don't hold onto their draft picks more often.
Zero: Markieff Morris (-16.6) is a waste of a roster spot, but Grant Williams (-9.8) is fast looking like a waste of $53 mil.
Surprise: Our boy Dante Exum (+12.2) on the other hand is looking like the best $3 million Mark Cuban ever spent. I'll have to be honest here though and admit that I never watched Shark Tank.
Houston Rockets
Hero: There is something to be said for veteran leadership and Fred VanVleet (+8.8), even if he doesn't come cheap.
Zero: Jalen Green (-8.8) remains very much a work in progress.
Surprise: Between Sengun, Cam Whitmore and Tari Eason (+11.4), it seems the Rockets are the masters of mid-first round drafting. The jury's still out on their high lottery talent evaluation though.
Memphis Grizzlies
Hero: Trying to get a read on this injury-stricken mess is near-enough futile, but at the very least Marcus Smart (+5.9) has fit in well after the offseason trade.
Zero: Ziaire Williams (-9.6) needs a big season in 2024 before he comes out of contract.
Surprise: The Griz may have found one in Vince Williams (+8.4). Also, pity the poor announcers every time the Griz play the Thunder: "Williams passes to Williams, who gets fouled by Williams". Let's just hope one of them doesn't trade for Grant.
San Antonio Spurs
Hero: On a rebuilding team these things are all relative, but Wemby (+5.2) has made a pretty nice start to his career.
Zero: Osman (-9.7), Collins (-6.3) and McDermott (-4.5) are giving whiteys everywhere a bad name.
Surprise: Tre Jones (+12.9) might be the best 41st pick in the draft since some burly Serbian dude in 2014.
Vince is officially the best Williams on the Grizzlies. And he costs a lot less than the Mavs one.
PACIFIC DIVISION
Los Angeles Clippers
Hero: Kawhi (+15.4) is a weird cat, but when he's healthy he's still really good. I bet you never knew that.
Zero: The reports that Bones Hyland (-15.8) may already be looking for another new home come as little surprise.
Surprise: Stormin' Norman Powell (+4.0) is a sneaky good bet to win 6MOTY.
Sacramento Kings
Hero: Re-upping Trey Lyles (+9.0) for two years may have low-key been one of the best moves of the 2023 offseason.
Zero: Davion Mitchell (-12.0) is a decent on-ball defender, but until he learns to shoot he'll have trouble sticking in this league.
Surprise: Malik Monk (-4.7) gets some 6MOTY love, but he's wildly inconsistent. More of a surprise is that the league's number one defensive rebounding team is somehow a significantly worse rebounding team when the league's leading rebounder (Sabonis) is on the court - go figure.
Phoenix Suns
Hero: The supporting cast may change, but Devin Booker remains steady as ever (+12.9).
Zero: It's not unexpected on a heavily front-loaded team, but members of the bench bunch like Eubanks (-10.5) and Little (-10.5) haven't made it easy for the Suns' stars to catch some rest. Brad Beal (-1.7) needs to find himself, fast. He should spend $50 million on it if that's what it takes.
Surprise: He's unwieldy, he does some weird shit, and he should probably stop shooting threes - but big Nurk (+13.2) is still very important to this team.
Los Angeles Lakers
Hero: Shout out to the Washington Wizards for practically giving away Rui Hachimura (+8.0) to the Lakers.
Zero: Shout out to the Lakers for taking Jaxson Hayes (-5.9) off of my beloved Pels' hands.
Surprise: Somehow the Lakers are really good defensively when Christian Wood (+1.9) plays. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Golden State Warriors
Hero: Brandin Podziemski (+10.7) is having a helluva rookie season. Also, I vote we just call him 'Poj'.
Zero: Wiggins (-11.7) has had one of the weirdest career arcs in NBA history.
Surprise: Broadly speaking, it has been the Warriors' starting five, so deadly as recently as 18 months ago, that has tanked their season. Looney (-8.1) and Klay (-6.9) are also struggling, it's not just Wiggins. On the other hand, youngsters such as Poj, Kuminga (+5.6) and Jackson-Davis (+4.7) are all enjoying strong years, so Steve Kerr has a lot to think about.
Brandin Podziemski drops another Poj-Bomb.
Coming Up
Monday - Pretty 'meh' selection of games - surprise packages Minny and Houston meet up north, while the star-studded Clips visit the formerly star-studded Heat.
Tuesday - GOTD may actually be in Cleveland, where the red-hot Cavs host the Kings. Luka's MVP-off in Philly looks a non-starter.
Wednesday - It's a 2021 Finals rematch as the Suns host the Bucks. Both these small market teams have since fired their coaches since those Finals, because NBA. Meanwhile Pacers/Rockets should be fun, while Kyrie returns to Brooklyn to say 'Shalom'.
Thursday - The Dubs may fancy their chances of a much-needed road win in Philly, while the Pels get another chance to show they're not pretenders when they visit the Clippers.
Friday - It's a 'Northern Winter Derby' between league behemoths Minny and Milwaukee - what a time to be alive. Plenty else here besides, with Pacers/Dubs, Knicks/Mavs, Suns/Jazz and Lakers/Nuggets all on the menu.
Saturday - The Lakers host the Pels in an eight-pointer that I'm sure will feature equitable officiating. Meanwhile the Kings host the Nuggets in Sactown, in a game which may finally answer the question as to which non-descript Eastern European country provides the best ballers - Lithuania or Serbia?
Sunday - Let us party like it twas 1994 when the Knicks host the Pacers. Elsewhere there's a tasty SGA/Luka showdown if you care to set your alarm for 7am, while I'm sure Kevin Durant will receive a warm welcome in San Francisco.
Enjoy your week guys. That goes double if your name is Darvin Ham, because it may be your last.
Yes, it's that time of the NBA year, where the 'haves' buy, the 'have-nots' sell, and stewie griffen 's Bulls do nothing because they really like their team. If the Bulls were a soapie character, they'd be Toadie from Neighbours.
Accordingly, it also means it's time for LeBron to post cryptic, passive-aggressive emojis on Twitter, and for awful teams with awful GMs to hand over good players to the Lakers for peanuts, because that's just how the NBA works, dammit. Oh and also it's apparently time for Doc Rivers to get hired again - talk about recycling the script! Like sands through the hourglass...
Anyway, now that Northy has returned from
NORTHWEST DIVISION
Minnesota Timberwolves
Hero: Could probably share this among the triumvirate of Gobert, Conley and Edwards. When they're on court, good things happen.
Zero: The Wolves don't have the league's best bench, but even so the Shake Milton experiment (-10.7) hasn't worked.
Surprise: Probably the fact that Naz Reid (+1.4) is tracking better than KAT (-1.0) thus far is mildly surprising.
Oklahoma City Thunder
Hero: Here, as in seemingly all things, SGA (+13.0) excels. He probably has a perfect singing voice too, bastard.
Zero: Very harsh to pick on a 20 year old who has barely played spot minutes, but Ousmane Dieng (-10.1) looks two years away from being two years away. Again it's harsh, but this is also the guy the Thunder traded multiple firsts to get their hands on. And was technically drafted before Jalen Williams. Oh well, plenty more first rounders where that came from for Sam Presti.
Surprise: The delightfully-named Isaiah 'Ugly Kid' Joe (+3.5) has helped lead a bench bunch who have over-achieved. Quick, name three players from the Thunder's bench! Just say 'Williams', you have a pretty good chance of being right. Whoever they all are, they all defend at a high level, hence OKC being 34-15.
Denver Nuggets
Hero: You know this is a tough division when the defending champs, with a 34-16 record, are only placing third. Anyway, here's some Earth-shattering news - Nikola Jokic (+18.9) is very, very good at basketball.
Zero: Given they've had to fill their bench with second round picks and vets barely hanging on in search of a ring, it's hardly a surprise that the Nuggets are very much a starting-five dominated squad. Nobody epitomises this 'penthouse to outhouse' drop-off quite like DeAndre Jordan (-13.6).
Surprise: Lack of free throws? I kid, I kid. The Nuggets are the least surprising team in the league, but I guess if you're looking for something new, then Justin Holiday (+0.1) has fit in OK as a min contract pleb.
Utah Jazz
Hero: Lauri Markkanen (+10.8) is very important for the Jazz. I was secretly hoping he'd suck, just so I'd have something interesting to write about here. Did you know that Finnish is actually not an Indo-European language? There, that's better.
Zero: John Collins (-10.5) was a 'tweener in Atlanta, and has continued to be a man without a position in Salt Lake City. Luckily for him, he's not a man without a contract.
Surprise: With apologies to Simeone Fontecchio (+4.1), Kris Dunn (+12.1) owns this category. In fact he's vying with a certain Aussie in Dallas for 'Best Former #5 draft pick non-shooting point guard Redemption Story' in the NBA.
Portland Trail Blazers
Hero: Malcolm Brogdon (+9.1) probably deserves a home somewhere.
Zero: Anfernee Simons (-7.8) really needs to work on his defence.
Surprise: Duop Reath (+9.2) is the poster child for 27 year old rookies everywhere. Also surprising is the fact that Andrew Nicholson is still drawing nearly $3 million in salary from the Blazers this season - not bad for a guy who hasn't played an NBA game in seven years. Any chance I can get put on the stretch-and-waive provision, peternorth ?
DeAndre Jordan's infamous chair plays better defence than he does nowadays.
SOUTHWEST DIVISION
New Orleans Pelicans
Hero: The Pels are the anti-Nuggets - here, the bench mob rules, none more so than Grand Theft Alvarado (+9.3)
Zero: Zion (-4.3) needs to get his arse into gear, or at least deflate one of the airbags.
Surprise: That the Pels statistically have a top-10 defence is largely thanks to the bench, and the likes of Naji Marshall (+6.5).
Dallas Mavericks
Hero: Derrick Lively (+10.8) makes you wonder why the Mavs don't hold onto their draft picks more often.
Zero: Markieff Morris (-16.6) is a waste of a roster spot, but Grant Williams (-9.8) is fast looking like a waste of $53 mil.
Surprise: Our boy Dante Exum (+12.2) on the other hand is looking like the best $3 million Mark Cuban ever spent. I'll have to be honest here though and admit that I never watched Shark Tank.
Houston Rockets
Hero: There is something to be said for veteran leadership and Fred VanVleet (+8.8), even if he doesn't come cheap.
Zero: Jalen Green (-8.8) remains very much a work in progress.
Surprise: Between Sengun, Cam Whitmore and Tari Eason (+11.4), it seems the Rockets are the masters of mid-first round drafting. The jury's still out on their high lottery talent evaluation though.
Memphis Grizzlies
Hero: Trying to get a read on this injury-stricken mess is near-enough futile, but at the very least Marcus Smart (+5.9) has fit in well after the offseason trade.
Zero: Ziaire Williams (-9.6) needs a big season in 2024 before he comes out of contract.
Surprise: The Griz may have found one in Vince Williams (+8.4). Also, pity the poor announcers every time the Griz play the Thunder: "Williams passes to Williams, who gets fouled by Williams". Let's just hope one of them doesn't trade for Grant.
San Antonio Spurs
Hero: On a rebuilding team these things are all relative, but Wemby (+5.2) has made a pretty nice start to his career.
Zero: Osman (-9.7), Collins (-6.3) and McDermott (-4.5) are giving whiteys everywhere a bad name.
Surprise: Tre Jones (+12.9) might be the best 41st pick in the draft since some burly Serbian dude in 2014.
Vince is officially the best Williams on the Grizzlies. And he costs a lot less than the Mavs one.
PACIFIC DIVISION
Los Angeles Clippers
Hero: Kawhi (+15.4) is a weird cat, but when he's healthy he's still really good. I bet you never knew that.
Zero: The reports that Bones Hyland (-15.8) may already be looking for another new home come as little surprise.
Surprise: Stormin' Norman Powell (+4.0) is a sneaky good bet to win 6MOTY.
Sacramento Kings
Hero: Re-upping Trey Lyles (+9.0) for two years may have low-key been one of the best moves of the 2023 offseason.
Zero: Davion Mitchell (-12.0) is a decent on-ball defender, but until he learns to shoot he'll have trouble sticking in this league.
Surprise: Malik Monk (-4.7) gets some 6MOTY love, but he's wildly inconsistent. More of a surprise is that the league's number one defensive rebounding team is somehow a significantly worse rebounding team when the league's leading rebounder (Sabonis) is on the court - go figure.
Phoenix Suns
Hero: The supporting cast may change, but Devin Booker remains steady as ever (+12.9).
Zero: It's not unexpected on a heavily front-loaded team, but members of the bench bunch like Eubanks (-10.5) and Little (-10.5) haven't made it easy for the Suns' stars to catch some rest. Brad Beal (-1.7) needs to find himself, fast. He should spend $50 million on it if that's what it takes.
Surprise: He's unwieldy, he does some weird shit, and he should probably stop shooting threes - but big Nurk (+13.2) is still very important to this team.
Los Angeles Lakers
Hero: Shout out to the Washington Wizards for practically giving away Rui Hachimura (+8.0) to the Lakers.
Zero: Shout out to the Lakers for taking Jaxson Hayes (-5.9) off of my beloved Pels' hands.
Surprise: Somehow the Lakers are really good defensively when Christian Wood (+1.9) plays. Yeah, I don't get it either.
Golden State Warriors
Hero: Brandin Podziemski (+10.7) is having a helluva rookie season. Also, I vote we just call him 'Poj'.
Zero: Wiggins (-11.7) has had one of the weirdest career arcs in NBA history.
Surprise: Broadly speaking, it has been the Warriors' starting five, so deadly as recently as 18 months ago, that has tanked their season. Looney (-8.1) and Klay (-6.9) are also struggling, it's not just Wiggins. On the other hand, youngsters such as Poj, Kuminga (+5.6) and Jackson-Davis (+4.7) are all enjoying strong years, so Steve Kerr has a lot to think about.
Brandin Podziemski drops another Poj-Bomb.
Coming Up
Monday - Pretty 'meh' selection of games - surprise packages Minny and Houston meet up north, while the star-studded Clips visit the formerly star-studded Heat.
Tuesday - GOTD may actually be in Cleveland, where the red-hot Cavs host the Kings. Luka's MVP-off in Philly looks a non-starter.
Wednesday - It's a 2021 Finals rematch as the Suns host the Bucks. Both these small market teams have since fired their coaches since those Finals, because NBA. Meanwhile Pacers/Rockets should be fun, while Kyrie returns to Brooklyn to say 'Shalom'.
Thursday - The Dubs may fancy their chances of a much-needed road win in Philly, while the Pels get another chance to show they're not pretenders when they visit the Clippers.
Friday - It's a 'Northern Winter Derby' between league behemoths Minny and Milwaukee - what a time to be alive. Plenty else here besides, with Pacers/Dubs, Knicks/Mavs, Suns/Jazz and Lakers/Nuggets all on the menu.
Saturday - The Lakers host the Pels in an eight-pointer that I'm sure will feature equitable officiating. Meanwhile the Kings host the Nuggets in Sactown, in a game which may finally answer the question as to which non-descript Eastern European country provides the best ballers - Lithuania or Serbia?
Sunday - Let us party like it twas 1994 when the Knicks host the Pacers. Elsewhere there's a tasty SGA/Luka showdown if you care to set your alarm for 7am, while I'm sure Kevin Durant will receive a warm welcome in San Francisco.
Enjoy your week guys. That goes double if your name is Darvin Ham, because it may be your last.
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