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A man goes to his doctor and says ‘Doctor, I have a terrible problem… Every time I urinate, the pee goes everywhere, I can’t control it’.

The doctor says ‘Right, drop your trousers and lets have a look’…

After a quick examination he says ‘Ah, I see your problem, your penis has holes all along its length… I’m going to refer you to a chap I know’.

That’s great says the man, is he an expert on this sort of thing?

‘No’, says the doctor, ‘he’s a flute player, he’ll show you how to hold it’….
 
Another man goes to the same doctor, and says 'Look Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem with my willy - if I show it to you, do you promise not to laugh'?

The doctor says 'Of course, I'm a professional, I've seen everything and I'm here to help you'.

The man says 'Okay', and drops his strides to reveal a penis the size of a AAA battery. The doctor can't control himself and immediately collapses into a heap, laughing and giggling. Eventually he gets himself under control and says: 'I apologise, That was terrible of me. So what exactly is the problem?'.

The man say 'It's all swollen'.
 

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I don't know if you've heard, but Russia is considering unifying their time zones because they have a nine-hour difference between one side of the country and the other.

Albanian Prime Minister Edi Rama, during a meeting in Bled, Slovenia decided to make a joke. His hero was Vladimir Putin.
— I sent my family on vacation and called to wish them good night, but it was already morning and they were on the beach.
— I called Olaf Scholz to wish him a happy birthday, but he said it was tomorrow.
— I called Xi Jinping to wish him a happy new year and he said it's still the old year.
Putin replied: Yes, it happened to me too. I called Prigozhin's family to express my condolences, and his plane hadn't even taken off yet.
And there was loud laughter in the hall.
 
Husband and wife having a discussion on what’s more painful, child birth or being kicked in the balls.
The husband says, being kicked in the balls. The wife says, how do you figure? Husband says, well after about a year the wife will usually say “you know I think I’d like to have another baby”. I have yet to hear a guy say “you know I think I’d like to be kicked in the balls again.”
 
A group of 40 year old girlfriends discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally , it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the waiters there had tight pants and nice buns.

10 years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the food there was very good and the wine selection was good also.

A decade later, at the age of 60, the group once more deliberated on the dinner venue. Ultimately, they reached a consensus to gather at the ocean-view restaurant, drawn to the prospect of enjoying their meal in serene surroundings and relishing the beautiful ocean view.

10 years later, at 70 years of age ,the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because the restaurant was wheelchair accessible and they even had an elevator.

10 years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for dinner. Finally it was agreed that they should meet at the ocean view restaurant because they had never been there before.
 
spenze said:
I went on a blind date last night, it didn't start that way.

But she had pepper spray
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Ive been away a long time Prince. But I always remembered you. I've told your jokes time and time again.

Just giving you the props you deserve, This one is a belter, like normal.

You just keep on being a legend!
 

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spenze said:
How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?


She starts fitting into your wives clothes
Click to expand...

Did you mean to write "wives" instead of "wifes"? Wives means you have more than one wife, which I think could still make the joke work. (And you missed your apostrophe).
 
A father passing by his son's bedroom

Noticed the room unusually clean and saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.

Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.

I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that mari*juana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.

In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!

Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.

Love, your son, Josh

P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home
 
A young fella from the bush wins on the pub raffle and with the prize money shouts himself a long weekend in the city.
After a night celebrating he heads to the nearest red light districts most select establishment.
Upon entering he is asked whether he wants a standard luxury or specialist service.
On a high and full of confidence he asks for the specialist service.
Immediately he is offered a black label scotch led behind a velvet curtain sat on a luxury couch and told to wait.
5 minutes later 4 of the most homely women enter. All over 60 overweight and dressed in either tracksuit or pyjamas. A few even knitting.
Furious and feeling ripped off young fella goes back to the madam and says what gives?
I ordered the most expensive specialist service. You can't be serious?
Yes says the madam these ladies specialise with those suffering premature ejaculation.
 
A coach called one of his 7-year-old football players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is"?
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know, when a free kick is given, you shouldn’t argue, curse, attack the umpire, or call him a pecker-head.”
Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
He continued, “And when I call you off the field so that another boy gets a chance to play, it’s not good sportsmanship to call your coach ‘a dumb a–hole’, is it?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your mother.”
 

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