Shamelessly stolen from an American sports trend.
The role of professional coach is one of the most coveted positions in the developed world. On average it is the highest paid professional role in any given state. Candidates are generally only to apply by invitation before being put through rigorous biometric tests, psychological evaluations and mock list management exercises. This is on top of already being required to have decades worth of experience in the industry. So you can tell, this is not a job for just anyone - and it's not a job they let you learn as you go, when they do... it doesn't go well.
But there's something else that goes into getting a successful senior coach. Something undefinable, intrinsic, unfakeable. A resource. A factor. Something I'm convinced football clubs aren't paying enough attention to.
It's called Aura, and it's what sets apart the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson River from the ship captain who left everyone to die on the capsized Costa Concordia... it's the Matthew Guys from the Dan Andrews, the Mark Neelds from the Lee Matthews...
A hiring process means nothing to a coach with high enough Aura. They just show up and get the job. Their mental fortitude need not be tested, for we already know they can expertly skate the line between ruthless killer and warm hearted nurturer.
So let's start. Who's got it, and who doesn't?
As it stands Andrew 'Mini' McQualter has the lowest Aura of all senior coaches.
Now this could stand to change as the years go by, he is the new kid on the block and a young senior coach.
West Coast have a historically excellent track record when it comes to hiring coaches... but this is the first one picked by Don Pyke who has been trapped in a Collective Minds full body stun lock for close to 8 years now.
And it begs asking, can we really expect great things from a man who's acquired the nickname 'Mini'? How does one get that nickname? We might not want to admit it to ourselves, but we all know why they call John Longmire 'Horse'. Standing at 179cm, you may simply argue the nickname is a result of his smaller stature - but can you really imagine someone calling the similarly statured Alastair Clarkson 'mini' and not being made the subject of a $70,000 fine by the AFL's integrity unit?
Positive Aura +:
It's actually impressive that the board of the Adelaide Crows managed to appoint the biggest spud football coach in South Australia.
This would be near impossible task had they appointed anyone in the entire football industry that was not Ken Hinkley.
But they settled upon hiring the closest thing they could get to Ken Hinkley. A younger, smoother, balder version of Ken.
I am actually starting to believe that if Nicks stays in the role long enough he may eventually age into Ken Hinkley.
Something similar happened in the movie Looper. I am pretty sure Looper is happening in Adelaide.
Positive Aura +:
Much like McQualter, it feels somewhat unfair to rank Yze so lowly on the Aura charts. It's a tough gig cleaning up the rubble leftover by the tenure of a volatile pothead, and it's possible that Yze's current circumstances betray his true Aura level. But you couldn't help but feel a sense of pity for Yze in 2024... After nearly a decade being a perennial also ran for a senior coaching gig buoyed by the advocacy of his Hawthorn old boys, he finally got his shot, and instantly the entirety of the Richmond Football Club collapsed to rubble. Players stopped caring and fans stopped showing up. And through the entire capitulation Adem just seemed kid of... affable. What can a first year coach do when you stink that bad? Luckily for Yze the Tigs now have the strongest draft seen in over a decade. But the question remains, will the fans allot Yze the required patience? After all, Richmond with their 98,000 members only managed 19,000 people out to their matchup with fellow expansion draft team GWS at the MCG.
Positive Aura +:
The role of professional coach is one of the most coveted positions in the developed world. On average it is the highest paid professional role in any given state. Candidates are generally only to apply by invitation before being put through rigorous biometric tests, psychological evaluations and mock list management exercises. This is on top of already being required to have decades worth of experience in the industry. So you can tell, this is not a job for just anyone - and it's not a job they let you learn as you go, when they do... it doesn't go well.
But there's something else that goes into getting a successful senior coach. Something undefinable, intrinsic, unfakeable. A resource. A factor. Something I'm convinced football clubs aren't paying enough attention to.
It's called Aura, and it's what sets apart the guy who landed the plane in the Hudson River from the ship captain who left everyone to die on the capsized Costa Concordia... it's the Matthew Guys from the Dan Andrews, the Mark Neelds from the Lee Matthews...
A hiring process means nothing to a coach with high enough Aura. They just show up and get the job. Their mental fortitude need not be tested, for we already know they can expertly skate the line between ruthless killer and warm hearted nurturer.
So let's start. Who's got it, and who doesn't?
TIER 5: MINIMAL AURA.
Andrew McQualter - West Coast Eagles
As it stands Andrew 'Mini' McQualter has the lowest Aura of all senior coaches. Now this could stand to change as the years go by, he is the new kid on the block and a young senior coach.
West Coast have a historically excellent track record when it comes to hiring coaches... but this is the first one picked by Don Pyke who has been trapped in a Collective Minds full body stun lock for close to 8 years now.
And it begs asking, can we really expect great things from a man who's acquired the nickname 'Mini'? How does one get that nickname? We might not want to admit it to ourselves, but we all know why they call John Longmire 'Horse'. Standing at 179cm, you may simply argue the nickname is a result of his smaller stature - but can you really imagine someone calling the similarly statured Alastair Clarkson 'mini' and not being made the subject of a $70,000 fine by the AFL's integrity unit?
Positive Aura +:
- Yet to be sullied by the passage of time
- Mini energy
- Seems like a really nice guy
- New kid
- Taking the reigns from a legendary coach/producer of rotisserie chicken sex tapes
Matthew Nicks - Adelaide Crows
It's actually impressive that the board of the Adelaide Crows managed to appoint the biggest spud football coach in South Australia.
This would be near impossible task had they appointed anyone in the entire football industry that was not Ken Hinkley.
But they settled upon hiring the closest thing they could get to Ken Hinkley. A younger, smoother, balder version of Ken.
I am actually starting to believe that if Nicks stays in the role long enough he may eventually age into Ken Hinkley.
Something similar happened in the movie Looper. I am pretty sure Looper is happening in Adelaide.
Positive Aura +:
- Used cancel culture on Josh Rachele
- Damaged voice box
- Will be sacked soon
- Completely neutral appearance
- At war with the insects
- His team can't stop taking Ls
- May have been cloned from the leftover DNA on a napkin used by Ken Hinkley
Adem Yze - Richmond Football Club
Much like McQualter, it feels somewhat unfair to rank Yze so lowly on the Aura charts. It's a tough gig cleaning up the rubble leftover by the tenure of a volatile pothead, and it's possible that Yze's current circumstances betray his true Aura level. But you couldn't help but feel a sense of pity for Yze in 2024... After nearly a decade being a perennial also ran for a senior coaching gig buoyed by the advocacy of his Hawthorn old boys, he finally got his shot, and instantly the entirety of the Richmond Football Club collapsed to rubble. Players stopped caring and fans stopped showing up. And through the entire capitulation Adem just seemed kid of... affable. What can a first year coach do when you stink that bad? Luckily for Yze the Tigs now have the strongest draft seen in over a decade. But the question remains, will the fans allot Yze the required patience? After all, Richmond with their 98,000 members only managed 19,000 people out to their matchup with fellow expansion draft team GWS at the MCG.
Positive Aura +:
- Named after a machine gun
- Tore down a poster of Alex Rance winning a flag
- "this is fine" house on fire type energy
- I shouldn't have to feel bad for one of the most successful men in the country
- Affable
- Was a bit of a soft player not gonna lie
