The Expert Thread

[Mead]

Every few days, somebody posts a 'what should i do about...?..' sort of thread on this board. The pretty cool thing is that out of 7000 or so posters, there always seems to be someone with an encyclopedic knowledge about Topic X, either as a result of their work or hobbies or general bastardy nature.

So since I spend 2/3rds of my life on bigfooty anyway, It'd be nice to know what resources I have at my fingertips if I need an answer to a question. So what fields are you an expert in?

By way of example
- I'm a 2nd year law student, so if you've ****ed off all the practicing lawyers on bigfooty who actually know what they are on about, you could be reduced to asking me for help.

-I have done a couple of years of mandarin, so if anyone wants to know how to say 'good morning' or 'I don't understand' or 'my wife is a purple hippo' in chinese, then I'm your man.

-A disturbingly high percentage of my gfs have been asian (best way to study chinese, innit?) so if anyone needs a rundown on how to **** up your mind by dating a chinese girl, then I can definitely help with that.

-I'm also pretty talented at not getting beaten up, mugged or assraped when on the perth/joondalup perth/armadale trainlines.

umm.. Well that's about all I can help you with. What's your areas of expertise?

 

[pinkus maximus]

I'm also pretty talented at not getting beaten up, mugged or assraped when on the perth/joondalup perth/armadale trainlines.

please teach me how to do the impossible o great one

 

[El Scorcho]

I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter.

 

[grinspoon]

i can get ya some weed and some dark glasses to match . ask away if i dont know ill just follow goldthrushes way and bull****... j/k

 

[Mead]

Originally posted by pinkus maximus
please teach me how to do the impossible o great one

By seeking knowledge, you have already taken the first step.

Plan A- Time your arrival at the station exactly 45 seconds before the train is scheduled to arrive. Purchase ticket with exact change, which you have already taken out of your pocket If you're standing in the dark at sherwood station at 12.30am, you do not want the ticket machine to drop (loudly clanging) change. Not only does this announce your presence to the denizens of the night, it announces to them that you have money. Not a good combination. If approached by people at train station, proceed to plan B.

Once you've got the ticket, the train should have arrived. If you want to die, miss it. If you want to live, get on.

Once on the train, keep your eyes on a square of carpet exactly one foot in front of you, and shuffle to the nearest unoccupied seat. You do not want to make eye contact with anybody on the train, because *everybody* except you on a late night train is a psychopath, criminal, drunk, or mentally ill. In fact, if you are there, you fit into the latter category.
If due to keeping your eyes to the floor, you accidentally try and sit on a seat occupied by a 150kg dude reeking of turpentine, you have a problem. Proceed to plan B.

Once seated, the secret is to do absolutely nothing at all. Don't read a book, don't pretend to be asleep, don't look out the window, don't play with your mobile phone unless you need an excuse to buy a new one. Just stare forward into space, and do your best impression of a seat. Hopefully you will be ignored. If asked for your ticket, don't make eye contact with the security guards. They are not your friends, they are just psychopaths who happen to have badges to go with their concealed weapons. If anything at all untoward happens to you on your journey proceed to plan B.

At the end of your journey, get up not too early that you look like a tool standing around near the door, but not too late that you get up after any females also getting off at that station. Otherwise, they'll think you're following them, and will probably mace you or call their scary, hulking, biker bfs. Once off the train, proceed home. Fast.

Plan B situations:
If, during the course of your journey, you are approached by somebody, you have a problem. In general, there are six main categories of people you can expect to meet in the course of your journey, six correct, and six very incorrect ways of responding. Just remember, 666, the sign of transperth.

Category One: Annoying little ****s with skateboards and homie gear.
Generally found in groups of 5 or 6, ALSWSAHGs spend most of their time sitting around dissing each other loudly. They are relatively harmless, provided you firmly establish your superiority if they attempt to engage you in conversation. If they approach you for any reason immediately heap as much (figurative) **** on them as possible, then threaten them until they run away like the scared little children they are.
DON’T: Confuse them with ALSWSAHGAFKs- that is, annoying little ****s with skateboards and homie gear and flick knives. If you do, you have a problem. Proceed to plan C.


Category Two: Persons of indigenous extraction who are drunk off their asses and ask you for money.
Very very common feature of transit travel, particularly on the Armadale line. They’ll approach you, and say ‘Ay bruvva, you got 50cent/1dollar/2 dollar/10 dollar for a train fare/drink/taxi fare/phone call?’ Once you get to this stage, you’re already in a lose/lose situation. You can slap your pockets theatrically, say ‘yeah, and you ain’t getting it’, or ignore them, all of which will probably get you a torrent of abuse and beaten up- proceed to plan C. Your best bet is probably just to pony up the dough. However, do NOT take out your wallet, and remove said sum in front of them, if you do this, you should also proceed to plan C- quickly. The secret, however is to spot them before they approach you, and approach *them* and ask them for money first. This establishes that you’re poor, puts them on the backfoot, and hey, you might end up 2 bucks richer.
DO NOT: Show them your wallet. Unless you aren’t very attached to it.

Category Three: Scary ex-cons/bikies who ask you for a light.
Give them one.
DO NOT: Not give them one/stare at their tattoos.

Category Four: Mentally unstable people
Every now and then, you’ll bump into someone on the train with a few screws loose, or a spare chromosome or two. Some are harmless, some are not, so its best to steer clear of them all. If any of them approach you, your best bet is to ignore them. If you start talking to them, your head will soon hurt, either because they are screaming at you, or because they are banging your head against the window.
DO NOT: Feed them. If you do, they’ll follow you home.

Category Five: Vigilante Security Guards.
To make trains safer, the Gallup government apparently gave thugs who used to hang out on trains at night uniforms, statutory powers, and weaponry. Some security guards are nice, some will mace you, cuff your hands behind your back and dump you head first onto the platform if you look at them the wrong way. The most important thing is to give complete and utter deference to their authority, and flatter their grubby little egos. If you don’t have a ticket, pretend to be asleep.
DO NOT: Reach suddenly inside your jacket when they asked for your ticket. Putting armed men out of continence is never a wise move, unless you really are packing, in which case, go for your life. Most likely literally.

Category Six: People who hit on you.
This happens every now and then. If they’re hot, then they probably are at work, if they’re not, then you may have a problem. Some possible solutions are to come onto them even more strongly, or pretend to be a Category Four yourself.
DO NOT: Give out your number. Or do. You ******.


Plan C: The secret of Plan C is never to get to situations requiring it. If you do…
Run like ****. Get to the nearest door, hit the emergency button and tuck and roll onto the track. Walk home.

 

[Santos L Helper]

I remember a bloke here who was an expert on everything and had his own thread where he gave out advice.

Bring that bloke back.

 

[Mead]

Originally posted by El Scorcho
I can tell the difference between butter and I Can't Believe it's Not Butter.

Bull****. Nobody can do that.

 

[Stevo]

Originally posted by Santos L Helper
I remember a bloke here who was an expert on everything and had his own thread where he gave out advice.

Bring that bloke back.

His name didn't happen to be Urizen, did it? On another forum I frequent there was a guy who seemed to know everything.

But if he doesn't come back, I'll do his job.

 

[Santos L Helper]

Originally posted by Stevo
His name didn't happen to be Urizen, did it? On another forum I frequent there was a guy who seemed to know everything.

But if he doesn't come back, I'll do his job.

No mate but I can tell you his initials were SLH. Ring any bells?

 

[NICK THE PIE MAN]

Originally posted by Mead
-A disturbingly high percentage of my gfs have been asian (best way to study chinese, innit?) so if anyone needs a rundown on how to **** up your mind by dating a chinese girl, then I can definitely help with that.

Give me a rundown on how to **** up my mind.

 

[Docker_Brat]

If you need to get a forum administrator pulling out his hair and start foaming at the mouth, give me a hoi.

 

[Stevo]

Originally posted by Santos L Helper
No mate but I can tell you his initials were SLH. Ring any bells?

Nope.

 

[Mr X]

Originally posted by Mead


-A disturbingly high percentage of my gfs have been asian (best way to study chinese, innit?) so if anyone needs a rundown on how to **** up your mind by dating a chinese girl, then I can definitely help with that.

Mead,

Good on you for giving yourself a pat on the back for how good you are. You have to love yourself before others can love you.

But, I think you are misleading people slightly. While some may consider 50% "disturbingly high", when you look at the raw data, 1 Chinese girlfriend out of a total of 2 girlfriends is hardly enough to be doing trend analysis on, especially when she was only using you for your "legal knowledge" to get her and her family out of the detention centre.

Otherwise, carry on!!

 

[Santos L Helper]

Re: Re: The Expert Thread

Originally posted by Mr X
Mead,

Good on you for giving yourself a pat on the back for how good you are. You have to love yourself before others can love you.

But, I think you are misleading people slightly. While some may consider 50% "disturbingly high", when you look at the raw data, 1 Chinese girlfriend out of a total of 2 girlfriends is hardly enough to be doing trend analysis on, especially when she was only using you for your "legal knowledge" to get her and her family out of the dentention centre.

Otherwise, carry on!!

Chinese people aren't in detention centres..........they eat dogs. Now who's the expert?

 

[carlyp]

Im an expert on politics having studied it for the past two years. I was an expert in Law till I dropped it and Im an expert on icecream

 

[Mr Q]

Originally posted by Mead
-I have done a couple of years of mandarin, so if anyone wants to know how to say 'good morning' or 'I don't understand' or 'my wife is a purple hippo' in chinese, then I'm your man.

I have been wanting to find out how to say "my wife is a purple hippo" in Mandarin for years now. Enlighten me my good man...

 

[Mr Q]

Originally posted by Mead
umm.. Well that's about all I can help you with. What's your areas of expertise?

As for this, I'm not exactly sure what my area of expertise is, but if anyone cares to ask me questions I'll give them a shot, however I will not guarantee the quality of the expertise.

 

[Spidergirl~RiCkChiCk]

shopping

 

[evade28]

haha i just posted a thread like that!

 

[Blues4Life]

Awesome post Mead, was a great read and had a few laughs too.

I'll be sure to take note of that advice next time on the Midland-
Perth line

 

[Mead]

Re: Re: The Expert Thread

Originally posted by Mr X
Mead,

Good on you for giving yourself a pat on the back for how good you are. You have to love yourself before others can love you.

But, I think you are misleading people slightly. While some may consider 50% "disturbingly high", when you look at the raw data, 1 Chinese girlfriend out of a total of 2 girlfriends is hardly enough to be doing trend analysis on, especially when she was only using you for your "legal knowledge" to get her and her family out of the detention centre.

Otherwise, carry on!!

Those accusations are hurtful, disturbing, and entirely untrue. It was a visa she was after.
If you know what happened to her, I'd like to hear though.. Bitch said she was heading out to buy some milk, and its been six weeks.

 

[mellowyellow]

Originally posted by carlyp
Im an expert on icecream

Do you reckon that tassies summer rays will ever have enough heat to at least melt that sticky cream and sugar on skin?

Actually thats more of a wheather question.......disregard.

 

[Mead]

Re: Re: The Expert Thread

Originally posted by Mr Q
I have been wanting to find out how to say "my wife is a purple hippo" in Mandarin for years now. Enlighten me my good man...

With pleasure.

Wo de qi shi zi se de he ma

(pronunciation guide:
-Woooooah- (should sound like a stoned surfy) -de- (as in der!), --chi- (flat, sandman voice) - shi - (Think ****, minus the t) zi se de (zi in a stoned surfy voice, se and de should rhyme, more or less), he and ma like they sound.)

Best used on people who don't speak chinese who you are trying to impress. If you actually say anything to a chinese person, they will either stare at you blankly or **** themselves laughing.

For example, if you **** up the intonation, you could end up saying 'My Period is a purple hippo, my chilly is a purple hippo, my navel is a purple hippo, or in extreme cases, 'My queer excrement studies by itself getting lawful hemp.' I am not messing with you.

Anyway, my cry for help- does anyone have any tips on how to suck up to german people? <in a figurative sense>

 

[Santos L Helper]

Re: Re: Re: The Expert Thread

Originally posted by Santos L Helper
Chinese people aren't in detention centres..........they eat dogs. Now who's the expert?

Am I right or am I right?

 

[Mead]

Re: Re: Re: Re: The Expert Thread

Originally posted by Santos L Helper
Am I right or am I right?

I thought Koreans were the champion fidomunchers?