took er jobs!!!

[craffles]

clogwearer i was just messin wit ya soz mate but that super flog prob made mine sound serious anyway lets get this back on track

Personal Resume of Nick Stevens

Employment History:
Port Adelaide 1998-2002
Carlton FC 2003-2009

Position: Midfielder/ Club bistro food critic


Achievements:
231 Afl games
AFLPA 2009 2nd biggest weight gain in off season (behind Dew)

Skills: Evasiveness (been avoiding diets all his life), tenacity (demolishes burgers in no time), toughness (eats his steak raw), accurate foot skills (can kick a footlong into his mouth off the floor.

Referees:
Bwett Watten 1800 Wed Wum

Potential Job?

Cooking Show Host

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant that has an insatiable appetitie for food. One that can never be quenched. The applicant must be able to eat, and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. No neck, or poor neck movement will assist the candidate as it will improve the time taken to digest food. Applicant must make stupid decisions, have stupid catch phrases and look like a general knob. Salary package is purely based upon food as it is expected the applicant will be so fat that they will sleep on set and only eat what they cook.

Applications Close: 23rd Jan 2010
​

​

 

[demon48]

IT'S WHARFIE TIME!

All I'm saying is that personal attacks are not acceptable on the BF board. Not even on Bay 13. Even if it is just rhyming slang.

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Daniel "Happy" Gilmore

Employment History:
Fremantle Football Club 2004-2009

Position: Key position Dildo (i mean defender), Back up Ruckwoman, Reserves Specialist


Achievements:
WAFL Premiership
Had relations with a Waffle cone

Skills: Versatility (likes both women and men), punches very well from behind, receives balls inside beautifully.

Referees: The Pavinator (Captain) 1800 LET MEGO


Potential Job?

Able Seaman Gilmore

Traits Required: We are currently seeking an "Able Seaman" to help with the operations of our "vessel". Experience as a seaman or with seamen is essential. Strong, fit and a tight body are desirable qualities for the successful candidate. Candidate must be experienced in tackling, groping, huddling and showering with men. Experience in the docks, or wharves is essential.

Applications Close: Today
​

​

 

[demon48]

For hawks fans

Personal Resume of Matthew LLoyd

Employment History:
Essendon FC 1995-2009

Position: One of the greatest full forwards of all time.


Achievements:
Premiership medallist
5 times All Australian
3 times Coleman Medallist
11 times Essendon Leading Goalkicker
Essendon's Leading Goalkicker of All time
Seventh Highest goalkicker of all time
Goal of the year 2007, Mark of the year 2008
Essendon and AFL Life Membership
Essendon FC previous Captain
Taking out pussy Brad Sewell
Ruining Campbell Brown's street cred


Skills: Booming accurate left foot, dangerously good leading and marking skills, awesome haircut, always professionally dressed, great at determining wind speed, awesome hip and shoulder, backs up words with actions, kicks lots of goals and doesnt get injunctions slapped on him. There is nothing Matthew Lloyd can't do.

Referees:
Doesn't need any referees, his achievements speak louder then words (eh campbell brown?)

Potential Job?

Jesus like Religious Figure

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant that has achieved everything they could ever want to. An applicant who has done so much in their lifetime that is now time to start giving to others. The successful candidate must be a doer and make people accountable for their words. They must eat, breathe and live team spirit and will do anything and everything to help those closest to them. Only applicants who are professionally presented, of the highest calibre and who can take pussies like brad sewell out and shut campbell brown up to win the game for their team will be considered. Applications from shit trucks like Sam Mitchell, Lance Franklin and Cyril Rioli will not be read.

Applications Close: Already closed, there can only be one successful applicant and we all know that's lloydy.
​

​

Matthew Lloyd's new job - Matthew Mitcham's coach.

 

[WCE2012]

clogwearer i was just messin wit ya soz mate but that super flog prob made mine sound serious anyway lets get this back on track

Personal Resume of Nick Stevens

Employment History:


Port Adelaide 1998-2002


Carlton FC 2003-2009​

Position: Midfielder/ Club bistro food critic​

Achievements:


231 Afl games


AFLPA 2009 2nd biggest weight gain in off season (behind Dew)​

Skills: Evasiveness (been avoiding diets all his life), tenacity (demolishes burgers in no time), toughness (eats his steak raw), accurate foot skills (can kick a footlong into his mouth off the floor.​

Referees:


Bwett Watten 1800 Wed Wum​

Potential Job? ​

Cooking Show Host

Traits Required: Seeking an applicant that has an insatiable appetitie for food. One that can never be quenched. The applicant must be able to eat, and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat and eat. No neck, or poor neck movement will assist the candidate as it will improve the time taken to digest food. Applicant must make stupid decisions, have stupid catch phrases and look like a general knob. Salary package is purely based upon food as it is expected the applicant will be so fat that they will sleep on set and only eat what they cook.​

Applications Close: 23rd Jan 2010​

​

​

hahahahha very good

 

[craffles]

last one for the for the night, until further notice i bring you none other then the

Personal Resume of Jordan Bannister

Employment History:
Essendon Football Club 2001-2003
Carlton Football Club 2004-2009

Position: Hard nut Defender, Protector of the universe.


Achievements:
9 years of top notch AFL Class Football
Single handedly protecting the world from man bear big
Noble peace prize for Climate change work

Skills: Tough, work horse who is dedicated to the cause. Once he is on a mission he will make sure it happens. No one can stop Jordan Bannister from achieving what he wants to.

Referees: Bill Clinton 1800- JIZ SPT


Potential Job?

Al Gore - Man Bear Pig Hunter

Traits Required: Self explanatory really. Must want to kill man bear pig and be willing to do anything to achieve this.

Applications Close: When man bear pig is dead. Im cereal.
​

​

 

[craffles]

Well done. And I'd take Robbo over Rex any day.
Although I'm thinking that Robbo will put Warwick Capper out of a job. That's assuming Capper still has a job.

Edit: Was enjoying this thread until the Lloyd one.

it made me sick doing it but i couldnt resist, dont worry in the near future maybe my crystal ball will predict what's in scotty lucas' future? or maybe one of our lesser weight retirees/delistees such as bryce carrol or kade klemke

thanks for cleaning up the thread mods

 

[demon48]

it made me sick doing it but i couldnt resist, dont worry in the near future maybe my crystal ball will predict what's in scotty lucas' future? or maybe one of our lesser weight retirees/delistees such as bryce carrol or kade klemke

thanks for cleaning up the thread mods

Looking forward to the Scott Lucas one. Don't hold back.

 

[juddsentant517]

last one for the for the night, until further notice i bring you none other then the

Personal Resume of Jordan Bannister

Employment History:


Essendon Football Club 2001-2003


Carlton Football Club 2004-2009​

Position: Hard nut Defender, Protector of the universe.​

Achievements:


9 years of top notch AFL Class Football


Single handedly protecting the world from man bear big


Noble peace prize for Climate change work​

Skills: Tough, work horse who is dedicated to the cause. Once he is on a mission he will make sure it happens. No one can stop Jordan Bannister from achieving what he wants to.​

Referees: Bill Clinton 1800- JIZ SPT​

Potential Job? ​

Al Gore - Man Bear Pig Hunter​

Traits Required: Self explanatory really. Must want to kill man bear pig and be willing to do anything to achieve this.​

Applications Close: When man bear pig is dead. Im cereal.​

​

​

needs more

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Shannon "Watt's" a football?

Employment History:


North Melbourne Football Club 1998-2009


Position: Down back in "Watt" ever position the coach wanted him ​

Achievements:

Getting lots and lots of brownlow votes
Finishing his career on a high
Massive hit Youtube video dedicated to him

2001-2007 AFLPA Hayden Skipworth 8 times consecutive list clogger award
2008-2009 Jordan McMahon "Okay really, why are you still on our list?" Award
​

Skills: Having a girl's first name, having a shizen last name, turning african american males crazy, being able to power light bulbs with his thoughts.
​

Referees: Samwell - 1800 WAT WAT​

Potential Job?

​

Rihanna

Traits Required:
Seeking an applicant that drives african american men wild, really really wild. The successful applicant must have a "sexy" girls name and no last name or an awful last name that they are willing to give the old freo heave-ho. Winning lots of awards, being talented and successful are not necessary as all the right training will be given to the right candidate. Having come seconds, played second fiddle or just playing in the seconds of a sports team is required as it is important that the successful candidate get used to not being as good as beyonce.​

Applications Close: Never, just shut up and driveeeeeee and get under my um-brella, ella, ella, eh , eh, eh when we get out of the car.​

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Scott Lucas

Employment History:
Essendon FC 1996-mid 2009
Matthew Knights Pool Cleaning Services Late 2009

Position:
Centre half back, centre half forward, centre half bench, Ze Pool Kleener​

Achievements:
Kicking 7 goals in a quarter and still not being able to win the match for your team
Being the best forward in his team
First one legged player (left) to kick more then 400 goals.


Skills:
Two first names, ability to run extremely fast with one leg, looks like gargamel, knows when to quit.


Referees:
M. Knights- 0431 HOT STF
K. Sheedy- 0422 FK BCHZ


Potential Job?

​

Harold the "Life Education" Giraffe that visits schools

Traits Required:



Seeking an applicant that is used to scaring young children or little things. Applicant must be tall as the costume is over 6ft in height. One legged applicants are welcomed as the costume can be altered for prosthetic limbs, or legs that have not been used in the past 14 years. The successful applicant must be fit and active and preferably not Damian Peverill. Included in the remuneration package is one times Giraffe Costume, one times Gym Membership, one times Chicken Sandwich and a Melbourne Vixens season pass (RRP $3.50)​

Applications Close: Jan 27th before schools go back​

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Tim Not "as good my teammates"" Ting

Employment History:
Brisbane Lions Football Club 1998-2009

Position:
Utililty (not good at anything so we will play him everywhere to hide it)​

Achievements:
2 x carried to a premiership medallist
3rd worst 200 gamer ever (Behind Rocca & Rock)
Apparently dating a bigger spud then he is
2001-04 Voss, Black, Power, Akermanis, Lappin encouragement award.
2009 Michael Voss "Get the fudge out" Award


Skills:
Efficient and effective disposal, being lazy, high probability of bad body odour, crap movie for a last name.

Referees:
M. VOSS 1800 HIT KNTZ


Potential Job?

Garbage Disposal Specialist

Traits Required:
Seeking an applicant that has both effective and efficient disposal. The desired candidate will be lazy, stink and be used to witnessing people doing much better then they are. Pay and conditions are terrible, the manager is a jerk with a moustache but randomly you will be rewarded with accolades well above your worth. Being the worst, or in the top 3 worst of anything is essential.
​

Applications Close: Before bin night (So Albert Proud doesnt get free breakfast)

 

[clogwearer]

Personal Resume of Player X

Employment History/Position/Achievements/Skills/Referees/Potential Job?/Traits Required/Applications Close:

Now that I've had some time to actually appreciate the premise of this thread, it's really not that bad. craffles.

Plus...the Lucas one was pretty good. I kept wanting to mention his right foot kick for Moorcroft's Mark of the Millennium in 2001 but then I remembered that pretty much every rule has an exception...and I smiled again.

(And then I realised that I mentioned it here...which sucked for me but I couldn't...and can't retract it in all good conscience the stone it is written in is too heavy for me to lift).

Nice work.

 

[sonson]

Is it true that Scotty Lucas has a belter of an 18 year old daughter?

 

[craffles]

Now that I've had some time to actually appreciate the premise of this thread, it's really not that bad. craffles.

Plus...the Lucas one was pretty good. I kept wanting to mention his right foot kick for Moorcroft's Mark of the Millennium in 2001 but then I remembered that pretty much every rule has an exception...and I smiled again.

(And then I realised that I mentioned it here...which sucked for me but I couldn't...and can't retract it in all good conscience the stone it is written in is too heavy for me to lift).

Nice work.

oh moorcroft, he played in my local league for the last couple of years.. absolutely dominated it. kicked 150 goals in one season. I don't post in the bay often (or anywhere really) coz there is so much craap here but i tried to make an alrite one.. going okay so far but gonna run outta players soon lol mite have to go back a few years

 

[Jhzz]

Group of ex-players say:

Hey, let's get in a big pile & have gay sex with eachother so the draft picks disapear.. then we can have our jobs back!

TOOK ER JERBS!​

 

[craffles]

Personal Resume of Toby Thurstans

Employment History:
Sturt school of Ballet 1987-current
PAMFC 1998-2009

Position: Ballerina, Professional Potato


Achievements:
4 gobsmackingly, jaw dropping, awe inspiring goals in the most dull, boring GF of the 2000s
Life Membership of the Sturt School of Ballet
Life Membership of P.A.M.F.C "Port Adelaide Maggot Fish Chops"
Life Membership of N.A.P.F.A.G.S "National Australia Potato Farmers Against Greg Stafford"


Skills:
"Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee. His hands can't hit what his eyes can't see. Now you see me, now you don't. Greg thinks he will, but I know he won't."

Referees:

CHOCO Port Adelaide Coach 1800 TGHT TIES
IILJA GRGIC Sturt School of Ballet President 1800 TUF LUV


Potential Job?

Scooby Doo's Nerdy Sidekick and probable sexual partner "Velma Dinkley"

Traits Required:
Applicant must be female and be able to pose like this
\O/
.|.
/ \

for photos. The successful candidate will be sneaky, very hard to spot or find in critical times, do nothing yet somehow deliver the goods. Ballet, dancing or gymnastic skills are highly sought after as a lot of stealth is required. Applicants who have gone unnoticed for extreme long periods of time are preferred. This position is a temporary contract role until Greg Stafford is bought to justice and remuneration is in the form of scooby snacks.

Applications Close: Jinkies I dunno Fred, if we can catch that big bad old meany Greg Stafford we may not need to hire.
​

***NB** Last seen image of Greg Stafford (24.11.2005)

​

 

[craffles]

Group of ex-players say:

Hey, let's get in a big pile & have gay sex with eachother so the draft picks disapear.. then we can have our jobs back!

TOOK ER JERBS!​

win, the only way that could be more epic would be if you got a photo of the took er jerbs scene and photoshopped afl players heads onto it.. id do it but im useless with photoshop

 

[TOOs_Finest]

Hangin to see the Richo resume

 

[TOOs_Finest]

Personal Resume of Scott Lucas


Achievements:
Kicking 7 goals in a quarter and still not being able to win the match for your team
Being the best forward in his team
First one legged player (left) to kick more then 400 goals.

P. Sumich

 

[craffles]

P. Sumich

Peter Sumich aint no "player", he a balla, he the real deal. He made it big time homes.

 

[The Donners]

Is it true that Scotty Lucas has a belter of an 18 year old daughter?

Unless he had her when he was 14, no, it's not true.

 

[TheDewosaur]

Parking Inspector

Traits Required: Unnecessarily piss people off, be willing to cause people anger and enjoy it, be well and truly unliked by all of society and preferably unnattractive as it won't matter when people punch you in the face.​

Applications Close: Never cause nobody except for annoying jerks want this job​

​

​

So you must have had a parking fine lately.
Gotta say I work very closely with parking inspectors and they're the nicest bunch of people you could ever work with so please don't be so stereotypical.
They're not all Carlton supporting morons.

 

[The Donners]

So you must have had a parking fine lately.
Gotta say I work very closely with parking inspectors and they're the nicest bunch of people you could ever work with so please don't be so stereotypical.
They're not all Carlton supporting morons.

Their job is to fine taxpayers for parking in areas which they've already funded. It takes a certain type of individual to do that...

 

[clogwearer]

...I work very closely with parking inspectors and they're the nicest bunch of people you could ever work with...

So...you're a parking inspector?