Off-topic Bay 13 Survivor: Cockburn (2016). We have a winner! (links in OP)

[Jazny]

Challenge #7 entry

Welcome to #TheExers. A club that has built it's rock solid reputation on the shotty drafting, trading and general tomfoolery of the Carlton FC.



Hi, I'm The President of The Exers, the ghost of Richard Pratt.

You might remember me from such hauntings as,

My lonely broke mistress with a bad nose job, trying to get a piece of the action haunting; and

Visy Industries price fixing haunt, as well as;

My hideous looking ranga son haunting, and who could forget the big one;




My Carlolton haunting.


Which is what I want to talk to you about today.


As President of the Exers, I am always looking in the blocked shitter that is Carlton's list trying to find suitable players for The Exers.

And its not just about kicking lots of goals anymore.

No. We want to break down barriers and hold a mirror up to society, which is why we're seeking to diversify our list by chasing the AFL's only lesbian footballer, Bryce Gibbs.

Bryce is a hero to many people in the community, and we think he would be a great ambassador for the Exers to promote an inclusive and tolerant image for our club.

We will be pulling out all stops to get Bryce on board this season, including a job working for my butt ugly son down at the box factory (maybe they will hook up??). A free pack of hair lackies, and councelling for being Milned. Jazny likes this

So watch this space loyal Exer followers, and let the ghost Dick, get you some lesbian action.

Can I vote him off the island now??

 

[Benwah83]

Challenge #7 Entry

The Target: Daniel Gorringe

Daniel Gorringe?! Yes, I know what you’re thinking – I’m insane. He hasn’t even played a game for Carlton yet! A delisted Gold Coast shit-truck ruckman couldn’t possibly offer anything to The Exers, could he?

What can he offer The Exers?

The Exers have a plethora of goal scoring power – of this there is no doubt. But the one thing that The Exers forwards can’t afford to do is to become complacent. That’s where Daniel Gorringe steps in.

Look out, Exers forwards, you’re about to be on the receiving end of:

That’s right – after delivering a solid bake to Niche Espresso and Bakehouse, it’s time for The Exers to get Daniel in to give the boys a rather blunt assessment of their weekly performances:

Daniel Gorringe reviewed Bitch Rubbishbin. 15 May at 18:29
★☆☆☆☆ Shithouse, wasted 2 hours of my Saturday for you to lose our match. How the **** do you lose a match against Carlton? You have 5 AFL standard players max to keep track of. They're gonna find the Malaysian aircraft before you find the goals. And don't shake your head at me when I ask you to handball it back to me, Bitch I'm surprised you even know how to handball you time waster.

Wow. Brutal. If that sort of feedback doesn’t keep The Exers on track, then nothing will.

The players will be disgusted and embarrassed with their performances, particularly when Gorringe fulfills his end of the bargain, 100 per cent.

Which club they should head to and why?

A pity that we’re not recruiting for the 2016 season – he’d now be more useful at Port now than Paddy Ryder Oh well….

Why doesn’t Carlton need him?

They’re completely ****ed and mentally shot already. The last thing they need is a campaigner like Gorringe delivering brutal home-truths. He’s too real for them.

Trade price

Dirt cheap! A Dick Smith or Masters gift card should do the trick.

Failing that, when the Blues discover that he’s the admin of the ‘Anti Brendon Bolton’ Facebook page (how could anyone hate that smile?), they’ll probably give him the flick and The Exers should get him for free.

#GorringeAnExerIn17

 

[ChappyUK]

Challenge #7 entry

WEITERING WALKS OUT ON BLUES. JOINS EXERS
Mark Robinson 25th January 2015

Number one draft pick Jacob Weitering has sensationally walked out on the Blues stating a fear for the health of his genitals as the reason.

It’s believed concerns were raised as soon as Weitering joined the club when he noticed that his genitals had began to shrink.

During his press conference Weitering explained “It all started out so well. I was welcomed to the club with open arms. They even had a separate change room for the No. 1 draft picks. We got our own cubical to change in which was much better than the group showers the other boys had. Everything was going great”


The Blues change rooms were hiding a huge secret

“But after a week or so I noticed some dramatic changes to my body. My genitals which I must admit are pretty impressive became less impressive by the day. I also found myself on the couch crying my eyes out to the Gilmore Girls. I used to hate that show and usually played FIFA most normal nights”

“I brought it up with the club doctor and he said I was making it up and was probably just delirious from the change in my workload”

But on Monday last week things came to a head after an incident with Bryce Gibbs after training.

“Then on Monday after training I thought a cubical in the No 1 change rooms was empty. I pushed the door open and there was Bryce Gibbs in the nude......and he had a vagina! I thought he may have been playing the trick where you tuck your dick and balls between your legs but it was a fully fledged vagina with flaps and all.”

“ Bryce then explained to me that for some unknown reason all Number one draft picks that came to Carlton grew a vagina. It was why they had their separate change room as they didn’t want to alert the other boys”

Weitering walked out of the club that day and has asked the AFL if he could join the Exers - who it is believed had been actively grooming him for a potential move in the future. The AFL agreed the move yesterday stating the extraordinary circumstances and the need to put players health first. After the Essendon debacle the AFL wanted to end this incident quickly.

Weitering says since joining the Exers his package is growing back slowly but should return to normal by Round 1.


Weitering hopes his package will return to normal soon

One huge question remains which I put to Weitering during the press conference ”Why didn’t Murphy, Gibbs and Kruezer walk out like you did. Why did they stay when they knew what was happening to their tackle?”

“They were pussies before they joined the club” Weitering retorted with a sly grin.

 

[bontshow]

Challenge #7 entry

We are the former Blues
We were the Old Dark Navy Blues
We're the team that never lets you down
We're the team with the old Carlton blokes

With all the champions
They like to send us
We'll keep the lulz up
And they will know that they've been playing
Against the famous former Blues

And so it was, we belted out the theme song after a successful 2015 season. But even whilst we were celebrating, I began to think about 2016. Carlton surely couldn't be this bad two years in a row, so we needed some new recruits.

I looked back through my scouting reports:

Slim pickings there. As I pondered my next move, the phone rang

"Brad! Slow down mate, what can I help you with?"

Brad: Mate I need another one of those old Carlton players like Potential. He's killing it this year

"All the good ones are gone mate. Trust me, I've been looking!"

Brad: You're kidding me. Look, who's the oldest player on their list?

"Uh, that would be Kade Simpson. He's 32 in May"

Brad: Perfect. Tell him he can carpool in Boomer's raffle prize Mazda if he signs up

"You got it mate..."

So Kade it is. I guess he's not so bad, just a little on the old side. If he improves as much as everyone else has after leaving Carlton, he'll be a star

 

[A Cut Above]

Geez Pratt's son is intensely ugly. About time these wealthy families were told to stop ****ing inbreeding.

 

[Red mist]

Challenge #7 entry



"You are watching AFL 360. I'm Gerrard Whately and he's off tap again. Tonight a special report from the Exers list management team member Red mist."

Hello guys . Things are afoot with startling revelations that Marc Murphy may not be bound in blue in 2017!!!
Clarko's apprentice midget and Carlton head honcho, Brendan Bolton, has put it on record that the Blues will likely delay a decision on its 2016 captain until "a few months" after Christmas but he has been pleased by the "really good leadership" qualities of the incumbent skipper. Bolton is "really open" about who's captain next season.

After those glowing endorsements Carltons 2015 leading disposal winner and runner up b&f has probably put his house on the market and personal belongings in storage.
Word out on the wicked streets is that Brisbane are deep into Marc wanting to add to their Exers ranks after making Mitch Robbinson a new man.
Tom Rockliff needs help on his leadership skills as he has recently sought out exec Mark Bouris from TV show The Apprentice for help.



Brisbane thinks Marc Murphy will be a valuable asset and assist Tom in his task of leading the Lions. Carlton would be mad to consider trading Marc out but their trade goals are to filter out their most dynamic and exciting ball accumulators and ship them off for multiple plodders and relative unknowns.

Whispers abound in trade circles abound that Lewis "Squizzy" Taylor is shaping up as a trade swap option between the clubs. He certainly suits Carltons game style of chipping backwards and sideways in a crab like manner. Lewis can also perform duties as club mascot and is known to be available for children's parties.



Looks like this proposed trade is shaping up to be completely plausible and Marc will soon be an Exer .
Back to the 360 desk.

 

[hazard]

Challenge #7 Entry

DALE “DAISY” THOMAS DUMPS THE BLUES, JOINS THE TASMANIAN FRANGIPANIS AS A FREE AGENT
Caroline "Buttercup" Wilson - October 10 2016

Daisy Thomas shocked his Carlton teammates today by announcing his immediate departure from the Carlton Football Club in order to join new expansion team the Tasmanian Frangipanis for the 2017 Season. This will be the Frangipanis first season in the AFL, following the AFL’s decision to fold the Essendon Football club for decades of cheating and doping, at the end of the 2016 season.

Daisy debuted in the 2006 season for Collingwood, where he rose up the ranks quickly with an exciting style of play. After joining Carlton in 2014, his output was clearly down on previous years. Daisy commented on this earlier. “[I was] surrounded by a bunch of pansies” he complained bitterly, sipping on a mimosa, “the captain was playing like a woman orchid trying to get off a sinking ship first.

Former Blue Bell praised Daisy’s decision, claiming that “Getting out of that shithole was the best thing I’ve ever done. I risked my career to leave but my brownlow in 2016 proves that Carlton really is just a shit truck club”.

Mick “Narcissus” Malthouse provided some sage wisdom on the decision this morning “I think it’s about thyme he got out of that stinking eyesore. He'll provide some outside run to the Frangipanis midfield for sure. They certainly didn't recruit him for his tough inside grunt”.

Bryce Squibbs was disappointed in Daisy’s decision and gave a statement earlier today. “Daisy has the right to begonia out of our team if he chooses, but even I think that he’s softer than baby’s breath.”

Daisy will be part of the Frangipanis star midfield lineup which includes Rory Sloane, Nat Fyfe, and Dyson Heppell.

 

[Duritz]

Challenge #7 entry

Dale Thomas walked into the offices of the Carlton Football Club.

"I just love Carlton," he thought to himself, a smile spreading across his face, "it's the best darned place in the whole universe. I never ever ever want to go anywhere else."

He began whistling and skipping.

"Zippadeedoodah, zippedy-ay!" he sang, "my oh my what a wonderful day! Plenty of sunshine, Carlton'ing my way, zippadee doo dah, zippadee ay!"

"Hello, Dale!" said the receptionist, Martha. Martha weighed 145 kilograms and stank like a decaying hippo.

"Hello Martha!" Dale replied happily, though just for a moment his mind wandered, to a past love. He quickly shut it off, but not before it had left an impression on his heart, for a moment. He could not allow himself to think back, the pain was too great. She was the love of his life, and that is why he must never remember her.

"Beautiful day, isn't it?" asked Martha.

"Sure is Martha!" agreed Dale. "But then again every day is beautiful at Carlton!"

"Darn tootin'!" replied Martha. "Before you go, there's someone waiting in the Mil Hanna room to see you. That's the room with no furniture at the end of the hall."

Dale made his way down there, wondering who it could be. He did not know why, but he got a little nervous. As he walked into the room, his heart skipped a beat.

How could this be? It couldn't. This couldn't be.

But there she was, in front of him, looking at him.

"Hello Dale," she said, "don't be afraid."

Dale was lost for words.

"I am back, Dale. I have returned for you."

"Beryl?" Dale finally asked, "is that really you?"

"Yes, my love." Beryl replied, as a puddle of moisture formed at her feet, "I am back."

"But I thought you were dead?" Dale asked, "They told me you were dead! I grieved and grieved! It is why I left Collingwood!"

"It had to be that way." Beryl replied. "And you couldn't know the truth! But it is over now, and I am back to take you back home, back to Collingwood, back to Sir Nathan."

"Yes, yes of course!" Dale replied. "Right away!"

They embraced sloppily, Dale's tongue working its way down to her feet.

"Oh I've missed you and your enormous feet, Beryl!" he gasped.

"And I've missed you too Dale!" she replied, squirting a litre of fluids over his ruffled hair. "Now let's go back, back to where you belong, back to Collingwood!"

 

[Red mist]

Dale expression turned when first glimpsing Beryl.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Challenge #7

Clem Smith

Why Clem has been targeted by the Exers:

· Because of his fighting ability
http://www.foxsports.com.au/afl/tea...a48ebce87e49ad64dcf7b0370bdd4?from=public_rss

What can Clem Smith offer the Exers:
· He offers a wooping, 7.9 disposal average, no goals and has limitless potential with his average 1.3 tackle average as a leading midfielder at Carlton last year.

· Has as much potential as Jarrad Waite, but in midfield form.

· He runs very fast and can turn it over like no one else, except for maybe Jason Tutt.

· Doesn’t kick many goals, but has the potential to sure up the Exers midfield for a while.

Which club they should head to and why:

· To Hawthorn, drink driving and attitudes towards good blokes.

· Drink driving program run and sponsored by Hawks in Tasmania.

· Only top blokes that have had 2-3 beers can be the designated driver.

Why Carlton doesn’t need Clem:
· Being a leading midfielder at Carlton, Clem is taking valuable development time away from the likes of leading youngsters Jason Tutt and Daisy Thomas (still too young to be drafted by North though).
· Will be Carlton’s leading midfielder at the end of the season, averaging a whole 10 disposals and a whooping 5 contest shirks per match.
· He keeps kicking to Levi Casboult, who keeps missing, because he attended the same finishing pre-school as Travis Cloke.

Trade price and why he was sacked:
· Valued at 100k.
· Sacked after Carlton found out that he was running an underground Mexican midget fighting contests and midget bull fighting at Frankston oval and train station parking lot late at nights.
· Carlton only found out after one of the short people abused a junior official and later an old man for asking him about his height.

Pictured below, a young North player questioning Clarkson's height:

 

[Red mist]

Hehe. Wow.

 

[DapperJong]

Dayum

 

[A Cut Above]

The bar has been raised!

 

[Dinsdale]

Challenge #7 entry

A campaigner Affair:

NEWSFLASH: ANOTHER CARLOLTON PLAYER DESERTS CARLOLTON !
Trace: Yes dear viewer, yet another "player" has broken his contract, and here we have the almost exclusive story for you.
Welcome back, here for your eyes only and your ears also with, is the news that has the whole AFL community agog. and here is my exclusive interview with the young man in question.
Trace: so tell us your name, and who you used to play for even though I just said it.

Hi Treacy, my name is Levi Casboult, and from today I'm an Exer.

Trace: So you are now an Exer

Levi: I am

Trace: I know these are hard hitting questions, but please be honest

Levi: well, yes I am an Exer

Trace: thanks. Now why have you left CarLOLton, like so many before you?

Levi: <sob> well it all goes back to <sob> around xmas time in 2009 <sniff>, the boys and I were obviously drunk, as you do, and I was <sniff> a rookie, only 19 <sob> and the boys obviously yeah nah <sob> decided what while I was starfish they would sort of <sob> tie me up and handcuff me to another guy and match him drink for drink.

Trace: drink for Drink?

Levi: yes and Bettsy said it would be ok and funny and you know yeah.

Trace: so Eddit Betts organised this?

Levi: yeah hes a laugh riot old Bettsy

Trace: so this has scarred you so much you felt you had to leave?

Levi: No, no scarred. I just cant capture that same feeling of being helplessly handcuffed to another grown man. Its something I cant find at CarLOLton anymore, despite the respect and stuff and that.

Trace: so in seeking another team, and classed as an Exer, who will will see you playing for?

Levi: Well I've obviously been in contact with my old chum and handcuff buddy, Bettso, and he said he has his own forward pocked named after him, so I thought I could yeah obviously nah play in the back pocket and pick up 1 or 2 possies a obvious match, get pissed, and then get handcuffed to Tex or someone later, just for fun.

Trace: so you are joining Port Adelaide then?

Levi: err are they Adelaide? yes. I mean no, not the Port, the other one.

Trace: just Adelaide? here is our expert artists impression:


Levi: yes them. I've always milked cows,I mean liked crows, wanted to be a "croweater", drive a Camray, and get tied up and drunk after the game, I hear tex is up for all sorts of these hi jinks, and he also like Michael Hutchence same as me so yeah nah.

Tracery: And what are Adelaides going to pay you?

Levi: a Camrray, some rope, some piss, $50 bucks a game plus my choice of handcuff buddy.

Trace: Well thank you Levi. We contacted Brendan Boulton current happy coach of the CarLOLton blues and he had this to say. "we're happy to see the back of that little pea-hearted bastard, the campaigner wouldn't even crack a smile when I put the team through their new happy, smiley preseason".

 

[Dinsdale]

time for me to lower the bar then...

 

[Duritz]

So, DapperJong who are you guys going to vote out?

 

[DapperJong]

So, DapperJong who are you guys going to vote out?

Bosk.

 

[fool]

 

[Allikat]

“Challenge #7 entry.”

Charlie Curnow walked into his new coach’s office. Being drafted to Carlton after their horrific 2015 season had been a sobering experience. He sat down in front of an extremely happy Brendon Bolton.

Brendon: Charlie, it’s great to see you. You’ve made your dream and gotten onto an AFL list. That’s fantastic. You may think the hard work’s done. But when everything’s coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane and going the wrong direction. I have to know you’ve got the drive to be a Blue, not a pedestrian that’s going to stand by and watch. I want this club to take a u-turn. Here you have a licence. That licence is to be the best player you can be. What do you reckon?

Charlie: Um… I don’t have a licence. I lost it.

Brendon (somehow smiling even more): Well, if you don’t have a licence we can’t help you here sorry, I’ll have someone Escort you off the premises.​

Charlie walked outside of the club, his AFL dream up in smoke, and noticed a car parked precariously on the curb. Luke Hodge called him over.

Charlie: Hodgey, what are you doing here?

Hodge: Oh just waiting for a mate. Charlie, you’re the torque of the town, being driven into the turf before you even played a game. Well I’m here to steer you in the right direction. I’ve been around the block a few times and hate to see a low mileage kid like yourself go to waste. Let’s get you out of this ditch and over to the Hawks. I’ll drop you off at Waverley Park. Park yourself in Clarko’s office and be careful, he’s been known to blow a gasket.​

Charlie arrived to see Alistair Clarkson extracting his hand from the wall.

Clarko: Charlie, your short time at Carlton was just a bump in the road, that club’s running on empty. You’ll learn from your Blue. If you give us tireless effort, we’ll show you the road to the top. I don’t appreciate my players running on cruise control. We need good blokes like yourself, like Hodgey. Players that can rev each other up. Now get your engine started, get out of first gear, and go join your new teammates. You're now an Exer.

Charlie: But Mr Clarkson sir, trade period’s finished. Aren’t I stuck at Carlton till next year?

Clarko (while cracking his knuckles): Leave it to me​

 

[Starburns_]

Closest #impunity challenge of the thread (behind the 'Party Time' one), though there can only be one winner, and that is Tribe Cotchin.

Chopsticks Tribe, you will be returning to Tribal Council where one of you will be voted out. You may only vote for a member of your own tribe, and you will vote by sending me a PM with the name of the flog you want gawn, before 10pm tomorrow AEDT. You cannot change your vote either.

Finally, any flog in possession of the hidden immunity idol and wishing to play it must say so when they vote.

Benwah83 Allikat Chappyuk boydshow hazard DapperJong

 

[ChappyUK]

Stronzo obviously got them over the line again.

 

[Duritz]

We're just the superior tribe. Sorry chopsticks.

 

[Benwah83]

This gif...

 

[fool]

Pretty sure k4e will storm up the rankings*

*entirely dependant on which bias power ranking you refer too

 

[JoseMourinho]

Sorry, No power rankings due to shitty internet on NYC.