Off-topic Bay Survivor 2017 - Good Bloke Island Edition - Congratulations Richoatthedisco!

[William Wonka]

Challenge #1 Entry.

The waves were high and so was I.
The ship it was fit for a queen.
The cabinboys ready and willing
And their portholes surprisingly clean.
-
"Land Ahoy!" Yelled one cabinboy
As he skillfully slid down the mast.
"Behold! there is Vickery island."
"Time to outgoo and outflog and outlast."
-
Now I'd just met little Gaz at a servo, and his love filled me up to the brim
So I walked to the beach on the top of the water, while the rest of my tribe had to swim.
-
I found A Cut Above in the shallows and yelled "Sorry folks 'fraid Bosk is dead"
Then some **** pointed out that he'd probably survive if I just took my foot off his head.
-
The vibe of my tribe is friendly and fun.
El Dubya and RedVest4 seem like besties.
Im just not real sure they will get that much done.
While holding so tight to each others testies.
-
richoatthedisco goes off looking for toads (or something else slimy to lick)
I wont breathe a word of what Allikat gets up too (those Bigfooty mods are just sick)
-
craffles he sits by the fire and tells JoseMourinho to "**** off m8".
But it seems that our Floyd is a flexible chap who is able to self fellate!

 

[Dawn to Dark]

Challenge #1 Entry

Mind the spelling and grammar errors

I wake up in a calm, peaceful state.
The silky sand and pristine water relaxes my beautiful body.
A Calvin Klein underwear model like me always needs a bit of relaxation
There are no gay marriage campaigns, no dual citizenship parliamentary bullshit or gender equality crap to pollute my ears with. Heck there aren't any homeless *******s asking for money like they do around Flinders Street Station or any North Korea declares war with insert new country news to deal with. Ahhh this must be paradise I think to myself

I take my sunglasses off and am stunned by what is around me. There are 17 intruders walking around. Have I been deported to manus island I wonder. I look around further and see dense jungle behind me. Maybe I shouldn't have taken that botched heroin off a mount druitt street kid.

I begin to shake ferociously.
Will this group of 17 people kill me ?
Is this the North Andaman Islands ?
Am I trespassing ?
I don't wanna go to jail
I scream 'I'm a sexy mofo, get me out of here' to no avail

I look closely at the group around me.
I see JoseMourinho poking a Spanish man in the eye who I can assume is richoatthedisco.
I am comforted by the presence of Sam Menegola but am angry at the ******ed looking dingley waste product aka hawthorn flog A Cut Above.

I strip naked and expose my large, Ron Jeremy esque kock. In true Geelong 1970s fashion I declare this the Harvey Weinstein island wait sorry the HANDBAGGER ISLAND

 

[Stronzo]

“Challenge #1 entry.”

Naming Rights

As our ship lurched up onto the beach of our destination, I could hear the excited cries of the well-educated gentle-folk that had chosen to give their spare time over to this most deserving of contests. Bay Survivor. The mere mention of the name conjured up images of great learning, refinement and sophistication.

"Ahh, this will be a truly intellectually stimulating few weeks" I thought to myself as I packed away the scrabble board, having failed again to topple the scrabble dominator craffles .
"Good show Stronz my boy, but you need to play better than that to match a rhode scholar such as myself!" said craffles as he shelled a pistachio with his rotting teeth.
"Too right you are craffles. I will have to study my scrabble dictionary tonight after I finish brushing my teeth." I said, causing craffles to expose his putrid mouth in laughter. Mental note - don't make craffles laugh.

We gathered our belongings and lined up on the beach where the show's host Kangaroos4eva was preparing to talk. His face looked a little Bill Shorten blank, like he was awaiting instructions from above. His posture had really gone to shit since the last Survivor. He was crouched over and had grown a very pronounced hunchback. He began talking.
"Frenthss. We meet here today to begin a journey to sthee who can outwit outplay and outflog. We meet to play Sthervivar."
"Yeah, no shit flog, get on with it" said richoatthedisco looking like his festive season started a couple of months back.
"We meet to play Sthervivar in the time honoured tradition of many Sthervivars before and many Sthervivars to come. On thisth hallowed island we will play sthervivar and give thanksth to the great momentsth that we will continue to build upon for generationsth to come.
In the beginning Sthervivar wasth created by The Captain. Sthervivar bay therteen wasth born and a great tradition began. And now we meet again to build on that tradition and bathe in the legendary waters onthce trodden by sthuch great luminaries..."

As Kangaroos4eva talked a group had formed and were getting organised.

"Guys, this norfy flog has overdosed on his meds or something. Lets just do the first task, it's always going to be naming the island." Said Chappyuk we agreed and dispersed into our groups leaving the hunchbacked kangaroos4eva staring bung-eyed off into the distance and still talking "... and stho here we again sthtand on the sthhouldersth of giantsth and drink from the chalicthe of sthervivar. Not allowing a drip to run down our chin..."

I got to thinking about what would be a fitting name for this island, but realised the island had free wifi. So I stared at my phone like a zombie instead. After a couple of hours my mind returned to the problem at hand. What to call this beautiful shit island? As I pondered this, a bit of a kerfuffle had developed behind me.

A Cut Above approached from the direction of the kerfuffle.

"Right Stronzo, get up, I have a drink for you." He said, pushing a fruity looking cocktail into my hands as I rose.

"Thanks mate" I said, then suddenly "Ahhh... What the **** are you doing?" I screamed as he jammed his hands down my budgie smugglers and groped my manhood.

"Looking for contraband. Strict orders from island management. You seem to be all clear."

"WTF?? Who's the island management, Kevin Spacey??"

And so it was, Kevin Spacey island was born.​

 

[ChappyUK]

Challenge #1 entry.

Day 1.

The first thing I noticed was the smell. It smelled like we had been dumped at a tip, not the tropical island I had been promised. The sand was brown and muddy and there was rotting seaweed everywhere.

'What the **** is this place?' I asked.

'Welcome to Dingley' laughed RedVest4.

'Shut the **** up Vesty' A Cut Above, Dinsdale and Brain Power shouted in unison.

''Good one Vesty ' I chuckled to myself.

I looked across and there was this furry creature sitting on the sand trying to lick his balls. I could only assume it was a large dog.

'What's you dog's name' I asked boydshow.
'That's Starburns' he replied.
'LOL! YOU NAMED YOUR DOG STARBURNS? THAT'S ****ING HILARIOUS!' I laughed.
''No...' boydshow sighed '...that IS Starburns'

Starburns then stood up, brushed off some sand and gave me that look he used to give me in most mod staff meetings when I didn't ban someone I should have. Stronzo looked across at me knowingly.

'Get ****ed Chappy' he shouted angrily.

I really don't think he was happy to be here.

'So what's the plan? I asked?

Everyone looked blankly around the group hoping someone else had an answer.

'So there's no plan?. ****ing great' I despaired.

Just then, I looked across and on the other side of the Bay there was a white sandy beach, palm trees, and beautiful torquoise water. It had everything this shithole didn't.

'Why don't we hike over to there' I said, pointing across the Bay.

Everyone looked across and their eyes lit up.

'Looks good' beamed Allikat. 'I'd happily spend a few days there.'
'You mean weeks?' corrected JoseMourinho.
'No. I meant days' said Allikat glumly.

We set off. It was ****ing hot and the smell wasn't getting any better. The water still didn't look very inviting either so we couldn't swim.

About an hour in Smeg Head asked 'Does anyone know any music?'
'I smuggled my phone in' exclaims Marklar_33 .
'Great! What's on it? I asked.
'Arctic Monkeys mostly and some Last Shadow Puppets'he replied
'****. Anyhing else?'
'Nup'

As if this ****ing day couldn't get any worse.

We trudged on and just as the sun was starting to set, and I was nearing going postal due to hearing Mardy Bum for the 100th time, we arrived.

This place was amazing! The sand was white and soft. The sea was clear and teaming with fish and turtles. There was a nice flat place to camp and best of all it didn't smell.

'Whaddaya think of this place fellas? I asked prodding for compliments.

'Looks awesome. Thanks Chappy!' everyone responded in unison.

Just then two beautiful scantily clad women carrying trays of cocktails appeared from the bushes. They were followed by more carrying fresh fruit and seafood.

This can' be right. On the Survivor show Id seen the people had to fend for themselves.

Suddenly Probsty appeared out of the bushes.

'Welcome tribe. Sorry for dumping you literally in the shit across the Bay but we just wanted to see how you'd cope. You passed thanks to Chappy so now you have nothing to worry about'
'Through those bushes is a 5 star resort where you can eat, drink and swim as much as you like'
'Filming happens twice a day for challenges and Tribal Council but other than that you're free to do as you please.

'Enjoy your stay.' He said 'Welcome to Cheatground Island!!'

 

[craffles]

“Challenge #1 entry.”

Dear Diary,

This competition sucks, my tribe is full of campaigners and this island is a shit hole. Why the **** is their so much discarded trash here?


Regards,

Craffles

 

[craffles]

Challenge #1 Entry:

ruddy great! I’m stuck on this shithole with a bunch of flogs I would never hang out with in real life and the most stubborn flog there is, Starburns_, this should be terrific.

“Now be careful insulting Sparkles, Vesty” A Cut Above and El Dubya said to me quietly, “best not criticise the flog to his face or he’ll arrange for you to be shipped to a bigger shithole than this one - Norf Korea.”

I remember feeling hungry, almost immediately and noticed a delicious looking coconut hanging from a tree.

“Starburns_, that looks like a delicious coconut hanging from that tree over there, you want to grab it for me?” I politely asked.
“I can’t reach it, Vesty” replied Starburns_
“Oh right, well a person of normal height like myself can, so I’ll grab it for us to share”
Starburns_ looked back at me with a glare as I comfortably grabbed the coconut.

“That coconut looks off to me, Vesty” (#Starburnswaswrong)
“I don’t think you’ll be able to open that coconut, Vesty” (#Starburnswaswrong)
“The chances of you not getting sick from that coconut are about as good as another club wanting Motlop, Vesty” (#Starburnswaswrong)

“So fellas, looks like we are here for the long haul, any ideas on what we should call this island?” I asked
“We won’t be calling it Hardwick Island, that’s for sure!” Starburns_ replied
“We won’t be calling it Mistake Island either as you were born there and it already exists, I believe?”
View attachment 436894
Starburns_ ignored me.
“Careful Vesty! We talked about this...” El Dubya whispered into my ear.
“How about Menegola Island?”
“Go to bed, Vesty” Everyone replied.
“Well it is a dump so it should be called something like Handbagger Island or the Isle of Dank” - A Cut Above said
“How about Obsession Island?” Chappyuk said as he rolled his eyes at A Cut Above.
“Yeah Bosk, you flog!” William Wonka said
“I know... How ab...”
“Fk off Jose!” Everyone shouted at JoseMourinho
“**** this Island” craffles said
“I don’t care what it’s going to be called, but can I have some sort of authoritative role here” boydshow asked.
“BWAAAAAAARK SQUAAAAAWK!!!” TazHawk15 chirped from a nearby tree

It was at this point I knew we weren’t going to get anywhere, so I felt like jumping into the ocean and swimming as far away as possible to get away from these flogs.

All of a sudden, a Skwod of 3 pufferfish named Porked, Alfred and Gray Day jumped out of the ocean onto the beach, a flog by the name of Jade”s appeared from the jungle and another flog by the name of JimmyDE appeared from behind a rock. (It’s more than likely I imagined all of this).

“Oh FFS! I thought I sent those flogs to Norf Korea, what are they doing here?!” Shouted Starburns_

“Ugh” cried William Wonka

You beauty! I thought to myself, maybe this won’t be so bad...

At the top of my voice I shouted “This will now be known as the Isle of Terra!”

“**** the Isle of Terra!” craffles replied

Didn't read this until after I posted mine which makes it so much better. Your depiction of Craffles is better than even I could deliver. I'd say well done but **** you

 

[Smeg Head]

Challenge #1 entry.

The helicopter drops quickly as a small island looms out of the thick clouds. Outside cliff walls race precariously close by, the seated flogs strangely quiet as only their sponsor for this trip Kangaroos4eva remained chatty, dressed impeccably in a beige safari suit.

'We are planning an airstrip you know, to cater for all these yellow and black bandwagoners' K4E yells over the roar of the rotors.

Taken aback for a second, richoatthedisco almost drops his glass of Moet.

I glance across to the other side of the cabin, everyone bar one person is taking in their surroundings. El Dubya is transfixed by the cartoons on his small OLED tv.Turning back to my side, Brain Power is clearly fussing over a large number of tins stashed in his luggage while Stronzo gurns madly at his own reflection in the window.

Mercifully the chopper lands and everyone is quickly bundled into a fleet of waiting divvy vans. The divvy vans race up the dirt road into the jungle, passing tall electric fences labelled with the warning 'Danger 119 volts'. Large gates appear before us as the the vans slow.

Now beaming from ear to ear K4E announces to his guests 'Welcome to Flograssic Park!'

​

 

[A Cut Above]

Challenge #1 Entry

Ron Boskndy: Good evening Santiago! I'm Ron Boskndy, legendary news anchor. Tonight I bring you a special broadcast - for the first time in the cable television history I will be reporting live from one of the greatest contests mankind has ever known: The Bay13 Survivor extravaganza on Whore Island. Join me over the next two weeks as we plumb the depths of human debauchery and depravity on an island paradise that leads straight to hell, where friend and foe can share the same face, wher-

JoseMourinho: Who are you talking to?
Ron Boskndy: I've found one of the contestents ladies and gentleman! You in the purple shorts, how does it feel to participate in the greatest gameshow in-
JoseMourinho: Why doesn't your microphone have a cable?
Smeg Head: **** off Jose, its because he's a typical whorex nutter.
El Dubya: I Like his suit though.
richoatthedisco: Yeah but you like everything. If his suit was made out of monkey intestines you'd like it.
craffles: ****, thanks for making me hungry m7.
Lord_Flashheart: You need to unload all the crap from the life raft before we can think about dinner.
richoatthedisco: I think you meant to say we need to unload it.
craffles: I'm not lifting a finger to help u ****s.
Chappyuk: Bickering already and we've only been here five minutes? Why I am not surprised. Discipline was never an issue when I was a moderator.
Stronzo: Correct, it was replaced by the difficulty keeping a straight face when you pretended to have authority.
William Wonka: Mod fight!!!
boydshow: Fights between moderators are by their very nature counterproductive and as a Mensa Society member I would not allow them if elected.
RedVest4: Elected a what?
craffles: Vesty, bed. Poindexter, Take your ****ing hand off it m9.
Brain Power: He's right though, we'll never get the gear unloaded if we stand around arguing. I have 2.5kg of premium grade baby formula sitting there and the tins aren't waterproof.
El Dubya: Mmm.... I like baby formula!
richoatthedisco: Of course you do. Idiot.

 

[El Dubya]

Hmm, probably should have read the challenge post properly. Didn't realise that Sparkles was on the island, didn't see him down there.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Hmm, probably should have read the challenge post properly. Didn't realise that Sparkles was on the island, didn't see him down there.

He's not part of the tribes, so don't worry, just a leftover feature from last year that will pop up now and again on the island.

 

[ChappyUK]

Challenge #1 Entry:

Waking on the beach I feel dazed, I look to my left and find a comforting face, I know that no matter what I will always be cared for in his loving embrace. Whatever happens next I know I'll be caressed by the best mature age recruit to the AFL in 2017. As I think about this I goo in my pants a little, that's ok, with the apparent lack of food on this desolate isle I will save the protein for later.

View attachment 436763

In honour of my first experience on the island with my dear friend RedVest4 I will name this place -

Menegoola Island

Remind me again how you won a quill?

 

[El Dubya]

Remind me again how you won a quill?

Not caring about work and spending needing to distract myself in Gippsland.

 

[ChappyUK]

Not caring about work and spending needing to distract myself in Gippsland.

I feel embarrassed asking now.

 

[Stronzo]

Not caring about work and spending needing to distract myself in Gippsland.

Translation: gagging on mod bawls..

 

[El Dubya]

Translation: gagging on mod bawls..

Will that help win Survivor?

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Will that help win Survivor?

Unless you're Kim duthie or Kate Upton, no.

 

[El Dubya]

Unless you're Kim duthie or Kate Upton, no.

 

[Dinsdale]

View attachment 437036

why cant I be on her island? and by "her island" I dont mean island.

 

[Lord_Flashheart]

Challenge #1 entry

Useless mob of Flogs and pricks
No need to point the finger
T'was obvious for all to see
Your mind not need to linger

My team is full of nobodies
C'mon tell me who the heck
Can seriously come on Bay 13 with the
Username Dawn to Dark

Not a single one of you useless flogs are fit
To lick my shoes
Flashy will take all the flogs on
And watch him kick Anoos

Chappyuk I guess is okay
Even Smeg Head managed a shot
I don't get it, I hear you all say
So, now I'm stuck with this lot

Losers abound and noone knows where
And why we are stuck
Now my teammates look horny and hungry and I
Don't know if I'll be eaten or ****ed.

 

[Dawn to Dark]

Challenge #1 entry

Useless mob of Flogs and pricks
No need to point the finger
T'was obvious for all to see
Your mind not need to linger

My team is full of nobodies
C'mon tell me who the glory be
Can seriously come on Bay 13 with the
Username Dawn to Dark

Not a single one of you useless flogs are fit
To lick my shoes
Flashy will take all the flogs on
And watch him kick Anoos

Chappyuk I guess is okay
Even Smeg Head managed a shot
I don't get it, I hear you all say
So, now I'm stuck with this lot

Losers abound and noone knows where
And why we are stuck
Now my teammates look horny and hungry and I
Don't know if I'll be eaten or ******.

Backstabbing bastard

 

[Lord_Flashheart]

Backstabbing bastard

Needed something to rhyme with F*rk which then got censored anyway

 

[Dinsdale]

Challenge #1 entry

Useless mob of Flogs and pricks
No need to point the finger
T'was obvious for all to see
Your mind not need to linger

My team is full of nobodies
C'mon tell me who the glory be
Can seriously come on Bay 13 with the
Username Dawn to Dark

Not a single one of you useless flogs are fit
To lick my shoes
Flashy will take all the flogs on
And watch him kick Anoos

Chappyuk I guess is okay
Even Smeg Head managed a shot
I don't get it, I hear you all say
So, now I'm stuck with this lot

Losers abound and noone knows where
And why we are stuck
Now my teammates look horny and hungry and I
Don't know if I'll be eaten or ******.

you spelt campaigner island wrong

 

[Freofalcon]

View attachment 437036

Saggy boobs.

No like for you.



Or her.

 

[Red mist]

Red mist Haduken go you pups Ilksy

If not anyone else, then it will be a short and sweet game with the current numbers we have got. I will post the first challenge up on Monday morning.

Yeah.any day man.

 

[Red mist]

not in sorry, don't have the time..good luck to all those participating and shit,

Lolz