Off-topic Bay Survivor 2017 - Good Bloke Island Edition - Congratulations Richoatthedisco!

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Challenge #5 Entry

*Scene opens with a shilloette of Meatloaf singing a stirring rendition of 'Eye of the Tiger'*.
Camera fades out to reveal three men in a small room in the members section of the MCG.

A somewhat scruffy James Bond stands opposite M and Q.
-

M. Ahhh Welcome back 007!
We've all been awaiting your return to H.Q to congratulate you on your successful mission...
We were expecting you 6 hours ago though, I hope you didn't run into any trouble getting here?

007. Good to see you M old chap, no real trouble, just a pesky flat tyre.

M. Excellent excellent. Now as to your mission, our overlords at AFL House inform me our Mr Martin is back in the country safe and sound.

007. He is M, but it was a tough assignment.

Q. Oh I can believe that James, the All Blacks secret service are no slouches thats for sure- so tell us, how did you manage to do it?

007. Well I started by assuming a foolproof identity that would never arouse suspicion.

M. And what was that James?

007. Vice Captain of the
Australian-Croatian sheep shagging team, goes by the name of Zoran.

Q. A masterstroke James!

007. Not sure about stroking, they normally like it if you start with a bit of petting first...

M.Errrrrrr yes... Anyway I presume you adequately compensated the poor chap whos identity you stole?

007. Oh absolutely.

M. And how did you do that?

007. Compensate him?

M. Yes.

007. For stealing his identity?

M.Yes.

007. I shot him.

M. Well I suppose sacrifices must be made... Shame though, I'm sure he was sorely missed by all who knew him.

007. Pfft. Not really.

M. I see... How did you replicate his appearance?

007. Well once I grew the monobrow I was good to go, oh and a few weeks on a diet of cabbage and garlic sausage pretty much got the smell right.

M. Hmmmm. Tell us more about the mission itself James, did you have any problems establishing a base of operations?

007. Luckily I have a Cousin who was happy to let me stay at her farm in the quiet country town of Howboutaruta.

Q. Ah ha ha! Your missions are normally an orgy of debauchery James. None of that in the middle of nowhere surrounded by nothing but farm animals and family members I bet!

007. ... (Whistles and looks at ceiling)

M. Yessss, well back to the mission.
How did you manage to get Mr Martin back to Australia.

007. I stole a boat and tied him underneath.

Q. Genius! How you stop him from drowning, being underwater for so long?

007. Piece of cake.

M. Well how?

007. I shot him first.

M. James I fear you may have failed to fully understand the mission objective.

007. Bullshit! See ive got the picture you sent me right here- with the caption
"Just shoot Dead".

Q. Err may I see? Yes I see the problem, Your screen resolution is a very pixelated James.
Im afraid it actually reads-
"Dusts beaut Dad"

007. Whatever mate. Are we almost done here, Ive still got to get someone to sort out this tyre.

Q. Yes, I meant to ask about that, the Aston Martin should have 'run flat' tyres fitted on all wheels, no need to stop for a puncture...

007. I got rid of that piece of crap mate, it couldn't do burnouts and the stereo was shit, traded it for a sweet BA falcon.

M. You know James I'm more than a little worried you have gone a bit too far undercover this time.

007. Shut up D\H
 
Challenge #5 entry

DAY 3.

I sat silently in the bushes with my NZ guide Plugger35 across the street from Shane Martin's house. It was Day 3 of Project Get Dusty's Deported Dad to Dandenong.

Shane must have been getting ready for dinner cos I heard him asking his woman for eggs.

'Hey Chaps' whispered Plugger 'This reminds me of that time in London when I hid in bushes with some mates trying to get into the Walky for free.'

I knew hiring him was a bad idea but I didn't know many New Zealanders and the other ones I knew are just too weird.

'So what's the plan?' I asked Plugger35 .

'Well all New Zealanders just love putting on U2 and doing pingers'
'Really!?'
'Hey don't knock until you've tried it' exclaimed Plugger.
'So the plan is to knock on his door and as soon as he opens the door we press play on my iPod which is set on 'Beautiful day' then we show him the bag of pills. He'll be putty in our hands. But instead of pills, he'll be taking a roofy.'
'That's a ****ing ridiculous plan. That won't work in a million year's
'Trust me' assured Plugger.

So we walked up to the door. Plugger knocked on the door. I had the iPod ready. I was shitting myself.

Shane opened the door. 'What do you ****ers want?' he said menacingly.
'Great we're ****ing dead' I thought.

Plugger then nodded to the iPod and I pressed play. He then held up the bag.
'Do you want to party?'

What happened next was beyond belief. Shane took on a stunned look and just motioned us in. It was like a Jedi Mind Trick.

We went inside and Shane put on Zooropa. We then downed the pills then just sat on the couch. Plugger and Shane started chatting about stuff. It sounded like English but I couldn't understand a word of it. I just smiled and nodded.

After about an hour the roofy took hold and Shane passed out. Plugger jumped up, pressed play and started singing.

.

I thought to myself...



We put Shane in the truck and headed to the rendezvous point where we had organised to ship Shane across the Tasman in a hollowed out bale of wool.

Once he was on the ship I said goodbye to Plugger.

'Thanks Plug for all your help. You know what this has been ok trip and I think New Zealand has grown on me'

'It's my little....*Plugger presses play again*

.

'Then why do you live in WA?' I asked
''Umm. Argh....Well it was great seeing you Chaps. I really hope the challenge goes well and you don't have to end up cancelling your account like...*presses play again*



I gave Plugger a hug and as I did I reached into his pocket, grabbed the ipod and threw it off the pier.

I then flew home and then back to the UK. I hope Shane made it safely.
 
Not a bad effort but I probably would have chosen this U2 song to drop pingers to rather than Beautiful Day.



It's also quite appropriate for this theme since Dusty's old man is stuck in a country he can't get out of.
 
RedVest4 said:
Challenge #5 Entry

They gathered at 3am on a cold, frosty night, in a dark alleyway, near Punt Rd.

Starburns_ was pacing back and forth, wearing a (kids sized) army uniform, a (kids sized) army helmet and holding a (kids sized) swagger stick in his tiny hand.

In a line, he addressed richoatthedisco captain blood 17 Dave Stevens HumanMeatball and Zeboyz / tigertown17 (or whatever his latest account is, also not pictured)

View attachment 441268

“Gentlemen, thanks to all of you for volunteering for this extremely dangerous, top secret mission!
You have each been selected as you are the best of the best, yes Zeboyz that even includes you...” Starburns_ said

“Shutup D.H!” Zeboyz shouted

“Our Mission - Operation: Get Dusty’s Dad Back

Why do we need to do this you ask? Well it’s obvious, our 2017 Premiership was a fluke and everyone knows it. I mean look how many shit trucks we have in the team. I for one am embarrassed we are the Premiers.
The only way we can come close to defending the premiership or even make finals aside from sacking Damien Hardwick, is to give Dusty the strength and motivation to carry us even more next year. In order for him to do this, we need his Daddy back in the country by his side!
This is of the utmost importance. If we fail next year, Vesty’s Monthly Richmond Supporter Optimism Graph will be justified, that cannot happen!” Starburns_ said

“Yeah righto, how can we get him back then?” captain blood 17 asked

“Lol how about I start another Geelong related thread?” Dave Stevens said

“How is that going to help? In fact, Starburns_ why did you invite this flog, I didn’t even know he existed prior to September 2017, talk about a PUS” richoatthedisco said

“Well I have more of a right to be here over Zeboyz, that’s for sure!” Dave Stevens said defensively

“Shutup D.H!” Zeboyz shouted

“This conversation and language is offending me, I don’t like it!” HumanMeatball cried (literally)

“You flogs are useless, I’ll just have to come up with a plan myself... In fact, I already have, I just need a volunteer...” Starburns_ said

“1...2...3 Not it!” Said richoatthedisco

“Not it!” Said captain blood 17

“Not it!” Said Dave Stevens

“Not it!” Said HumanMeatball (with tears in his eyes)

“Not i... Fk! Stupid campaigner D.H!” Said Zeboyz

“Thanks for volunteering, Zeboyz, in fact, this will be perfect for you” Starburns_ said with a grin on his face.

Starburns_ then proceeded to write a plan on the alleyway wall off Punt Rd:

Items Required:
Plan:

Step 1: Zeboyz along with 1x airport maintenance uniform, 1x oversized car tyre and Plugger35 will travel to NZ on a Tiger Airlines flight.

As Starburns_ was writing this, Zeboyz interrupted and asked “Can I bring my cousin with me?”

“Fine!” Starburns_ answered

“How are you going to convince Plugger to go to NZ?” HumanMeatball asked

“It’s taken care of, I’ve told him he has been invited to give a seminar to his countrymen on how NZ were screwed by the umpires in the 2015 Cricket World Cup Final” Starburns_ replied

Step 2: Have Zeboyz hire a car from the airport and have Plugger35 put the 1x oversized tyre on the car - trust me, it’ll still work

Step 3: Pick up Dusty’s Dad from Dusty’s Dad’s house and head back to the airport with Dusty’s Dad in the boot

Step 4: Just before arriving back at the airport, Zeboyz pretends to have an accident with his car and calls NZRA (New Zealand Roadside Assistance) insisting the tyre needs changing

“You see Zeboyz, this is why you’re perfect for this mission, you’re the only one of us believable enough for the NZRA to think you’re incapable of changing a tyre” Starburns_ said

“Shutup D.H!” Zeboyz replied

Step 5: As the NZRA are changing the tyre and aren’t looking, hide Dusty’s Dad in the 1x oversized car tyre that has been replaced and no longer attached to the car and place the 1x oversized car tyre with Dusty’s Dad in it in the boot of the car. When the car is driven back to the airport and searched, no one will be able to see Dusty’s Dad hiding in the 1x oversized car tyre.

Step 6: Have Plugger35 hold his seminar in the airport conference room

Step 7: Whilst the NZ faithful (including all airport staff) are distracted by Plugger’s brilliant seminar, Zeboyz puts his airport maintenance uniform on and smuggles Dusty’s Dad inside the 1x oversized car tyre onto the luggage section of the plane

Step 8: Enjoy a nice trip home

“Ok, I am ready D.H’s!” Zeboyz shouted, dressed and ready to go!

View attachment 441270

richoatthedisco whispered “Uhhhh Starburns_ why on earth are steps 2, 4 and 5 required and why on earth does Dusty’s Dad need to hide in a tyre? It’s almost like this is an elaborate plan to just get Zeboyz to call Roadside Assistance to change a tyre...”

“Shutup D.H!” Starburns_ replied
Click to expand...
I’m offended
 
Challenge #5 Entry

Cat's in the Cradle

Dusty won the brownlow just the other day
I watched him on tv in the usual way
But I’m stuck in kiwi land, can’t see my boy play
I got the boot for drugs and unlawful affray
But he called when he was shitfaced and before he spewed
He'd say, I'm gonna get you back to oz, dad
You know I'm gonna be with you

And the tigers won the flag and the lions the spoon
A premiership medallion gets you plenty of poon
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dusty
You know we'll do a few lines then

My son called on Skype just the other day
Shared some pics from Nathan Broad, they were more than ok
Can you teach me to break and enter? I said, not today
I got a trip to plan, he said, that's okay
And as he fapped over Broady’s chick, his smile never dimmed
Said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be in like him

And the cats picked up Ablett and the crows got Gibbs
Dusty’s don’t argue turns them both into squibbs
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
We’ll crack a few skulls together then

Well, he came to Tauranga just the other day
We started to plan an aussie getaway
Son, do you have an idea
To get me off this isle?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to get high as a kite
Call your dealer
Ask them for the good shite

And the giants stockpile picks, what a plastic franchise
How the hell is Nafan still coaching the pies?
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
We’ll knock over a TAB or two then

If anyone can get me home I know that Dusty can
I called him up and said son what’s the plan?
He said, I've worked it out dad, this plan is great
Head to Auckland airport and don’t be late
I’m send over Schapelle Corby though the details are sparse
This sure isn’t going to be a farce, dad
We’re gonna smuggle you home in her arse

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
My son was as dumb as me
My boy was just like me

Looks like I’m stuck in New Zealand, what a garbage heap
Might as well go out and try and shag some sheep
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dusty
You know we'll pay a visit to Peter Dutton then
 

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Floyd said:
Challenge #5 Entry

Cat's in the Cradle

Dusty won the brownlow just the other day
I watched him on tv in the usual way
But I’m stuck in kiwi land, can’t see my boy play
I got the boot for drugs and unlawful affray
But he called when he was shitfaced and before he spewed
He'd say, I'm gonna get you back to oz, dad
You know I'm gonna be with you

And the tigers won the flag and the lions the spoon
A premiership medallion gets you plenty of poon
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dusty
You know we'll do a few lines then

My son called on Skype just the other day
Shared some pics from Nathan Broad, they were more than ok
Can you teach me to break and enter? I said, not today
I got a trip to plan, he said, that's okay
And as he fapped over Broady’s chick, his smile never dimmed
Said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be in like him

And the cats picked up Ablett and the crows got Gibbs
Dusty’s don’t argue turns them both into squibbs
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
We’ll crack a few skulls together then

Well, he came to Tauranga just the other day
We started to plan an aussie getaway
Son, do you have an idea
To get me off this isle?
He shook his head, and he said with a smile
What I'd really like, dad, is to get high as a kite
Call your dealer
Ask them for the good shite

And the giants stockpile picks, what a plastic franchise
How the hell is Nafan still coaching the pies?
When you coming home, dad?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then
We’ll knock over a TAB or two then

If anyone can get me home I know that Dusty can
I called him up and said son what’s the plan?
He said, I've worked it out dad, this plan is great
Head to Auckland airport and don’t be late
I’m send over Schapelle Corby though the details are sparse
This sure isn’t going to be a farce, dad
We’re gonna smuggle you home in her arse

And as I hung up the phone, it occurred to me
My son was as dumb as me
My boy was just like me

Looks like I’m stuck in New Zealand, what a garbage heap
Might as well go out and try and shag some sheep
When you coming home, Shane?
I don't know when
But we'll get together then, Dusty
You know we'll pay a visit to Peter Dutton then
Click to expand...

Gold.

Even able to imagine Harry Chapin singing the tune.
 
Chappyuk said:
New Zealand is an island.
Click to expand...
Yes so instead of a wall of text the campaigners from the scum other KoD tribe should try to put their dumbarse (winning) submissions into context like writing their answers in the sand or scratching them onto a coconut husk...[/rant]
 
Dinsdale said:
Yes so instead of a wall of text the campaigners from the scum other KoD tribe should try to put their dumbarse (winning) submissions into context like writing their answers in the sand or scratching them onto a coconut husk...[/rant]
Click to expand...

Shut up D / H



(Sorry mate didn't mean it. Just fishing for likes)
 
Chappyuk said:
Shut up D / H



(Sorry mate didn't mean it. Just fishing for likes)
Click to expand...
I can only give you one like. Its tough being in the most creative yet least popular tribe. We might win a challenge before we are whittled down to zero.
 
Dinsdale said:
I can only give you one like. Its tough being in the most creative yet least popular tribe. We might win a challenge before we are whittled down to zero.
Click to expand...
I'll combine the two before that comes close to happening.

If your team loses 2 more people, then I'll merge both teams.
 

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Off-topic Bay Survivor 2017 - Good Bloke Island Edition - Congratulations Richoatthedisco!

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