Off-topic Bay Survivor - 2018 Edition - KINKSHAME ISLAND - Congratulations Sainter3and7

[Sainter3and7]

Challenge 4 Entry

"It is a great pleasure to speak to you ladies and gents," Jack said, as he visited the local Lesbian Womyn's Festival, hoping to salvage his reputation. Jack knew the significance of the meeting, but couldn't help himself. He has impulse control issues, particularly when he's under the influence of... well, you know, not ****. "Geez, she's got a nice rack! Is that what you call a femme?" he asked me.

Unfortunately, before I could answer, Jack was trying the old "I've got a magic trick - watch my head vanish," burying his head into her enormous orbs, motorboating.

No, not that kind.

(She did smile, initially, so I wondered if she was bi and if I had a shot... but that is another story).

I decided to get him out of there quick smart when her boyfriend girlfriend ran towards us looking for a fight.

No, I did not photoshop that image.

Thankfully, Jack is very experienced at avoiding situations where he might get hurt, so he fled. I followed soon afterwards (had to give it one last try with the femme).

I called a press conference for 2pm the next day. Jack rocked up two minutes before it was due to start, looking wasted, and I didn't have time to go over anything with him. The previous night, I'd left a note - the word "STICK TO THE MESSAGE" (to remind him to stick to the script) and the time/address. Little did I know that Jack thought we were going to a massage parlour.

Stay in school, don't be a fool.

The cameras start rolling, and Jack drops his pants and says "Ok, no blow this time, just the **** and the massage."

Took my mind back to the good ole days, when we visited Thailand.

I'm fairly sure this one was female.

A group of sex workers arrive. I immediately think, "Oh no, Jack owes them money. This is not good."

But it turns out they are his friends. He's their most frequent client.

Jack tells the press, "Yes, I asked for blow, meaning a blowjob, not drugs. Yes, I wanted oral sex from her. Cause I don't judge her. She's making a living, and I'm here to support women workers!"

The sex workers scream in orgasmic delight as their rights and roles are vindicated.

Without Jack, it would be all dressed up and no-one to blow!

"I must confess it was also me asking for the threesome. I am genderqueer, and I feel I have been vilified for it."

Another section of the crowd roars in approval - it's the lesbians from last night. They'd come over for a fight, but when they heard Jack was one of them, they all started cheering. Yay! Jack is now a hero! Three cheers for gender variance!

Nope, not photoshopped.

I suddenly notice that Jack has changed his clothing again - and sometime overnight, he must have died his hair.

"Le freak, ce chic" blares out over the speakers, and Jack is surrounded by adoring fans!

 

[Brain Power]

Impunity Idol Challenge
"Where in the world is the Hidden Immunity Idol?"

In recent seasons of Survivor, the producers have blatantly rigged idols for their favourite players and haven’t even bothered to cover up this fact up. Here on the Bay though, we don’t play favourites, so if you want an idol, you’re going to have to earn it!

After Hawthorn went out in straight sets again this year, I did what any reasonable person would do in the situation, which was to bugger off to some far-flung corner of the globe, taking the idol, which thanks to Chief’s budget cuts, is “just a ****ing stick with a smiley face drawn on it”, with me.

Your task is to track down my location from a series of clues, and hence, find the idol.

To start with, the following visual clue:

Spoiler

Roughly in-line with how things operate on the show, if nobody has found the idol by the time the next challenge has rolled around, another clue will be posted, and so on.

If you think you’ve cracked the code, PM me with where (country and city) you think the idol is being held hostage. You'll only get one guess per challenge round though (i.e. it'll reset whenever a new clue is issued), so choose wisely!

Good luck!

 

[Bloody_Nine]

Challenge 4 Entry

Stupid computer blew up trying to render the extremely funny TV as prepared by an ad agency I made up "Chicken lips" depicting Jack Watts as Flash Gordon and RE-revising the movie song by Queen as "Jack!" - Savior of the universe, with Tex Walker as Ming the Merciless.

It was really funny and worth a win, but I can't render it on my phone so just the poster:

 

[bontshow]

Roughly in-line with how things operate on the show, if nobody has found the idol by the time the next challenge has rolled around, another clue will be posted, and so on

So you will tell us if someone has guessed it?

 

[William Wonka]

Challenge #4 entry

Hey Jacky boy!
Its the Wiz here mate, Warick Capper.

Ive heard from some of the guys that yuz inna bita trouble over some texty texty fun, well dont worry buddy, the wiz (thats me Cappaaaaa) is on the case!

Youre not the first player to come seeking help with yaz image from uncle Wazza.

Ive already had to take young Gazza and Rancey out on the town to give em a bit a good press, ya know donate some money to those less fortunate n shit.
They didn't seem to enjoy it as much as I did though the old tightarses!
I even heard em whispering to each other about tight arses in the cab on the way home


Anyway with the Wiz (thats me Capppaa) by ya side we will do all that shit to make yaz sweet with the media again in no time!

I mean just look at the Wiz in action.

Here I am at a feminist rally



Heres me doing charity work at a school (the kiddies all love the Wiz!)


And after wez done all that and fixed yer image right up we can hit the town and have a bit of fun, but dont worry the Wiz (thats me Caappppppaaaaaa!!!) Never sayz a word.
Shhhhhhhhhhhh.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Flog Council

It is time and it is The South Cockney Foot Fetish Gang who are the victors, congratulations, you do not have to vote this round. harry000's entry really carried the team this week, but there were solid entries by Footshow and Gawnage.

Team CBF, you must once again vote one of your team out. If there is a tied vote first time around, there will be a re-vote and if it is still tied, I'll decide via the quality of previous individual challenge entries to determine who stays and who has to fed Sparkles his lucky charms in his mom's basement for the next six months.

Team CBF, please send your votes in to me via PM by 6 p.m. Friday.

Thanks flogs. Just remember, the immunity idol may or may not be in play, so be careful who you vote for, or not, like I give a shit.

skipjack
RedVest4
sainter3and7
Snake_Baker

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Flog Council
The votes are finally in from Team CBF, and with three votes, we must say goodbye to a flog I did not think would last as long as he did, making him a worthy flogster, but we must say goodbye to...


Snake_Baker, pack your utensils, wash cloth, clothes, shivs, goon and cocaine, you are banished from Kinkshame Island, Ben Cousins will be joining you very soon and escorting you from the premises. If you could not disturb the other island flogs and residents on your way out, that would be great.

Now moving onto our next challenge...

Challenge #5 - Where's Kochie?
We all know Kochie is an attention whore and is trying to whore his club (established in 1997) all across the world. He has visited a number of different countries, major overseas events and even met with a few foreign dignitaries in order to find a new place for Port Adelaide to raise money as dear old Kochie has run the Puffer's financials into the ground. Not even the Cash Cow is that inept, but alas, this is the situation. Now he is visiting the island with a number of different global personalities as his plane was forced to mysteriously land, Mofra is thought to be the culprit.

Task
You are going to find Kochie.

Yes, somewhere on the island is Kochie and you must find him, but I warn you he is well hidden. Your task will involve searching for him and you must document your search efforts. This can be done in a variety of ways, you can add pictures, crudely drawn (or detailed) maps, a series of diary entries, add personalities whatever takes your fancy. You can even include a few banana wielding redheads or swastika armband wearing Port fans, just please bring him back, we all miss him abusing his players for no good reason at the end of every season.



The Rules

To enter the challenge, you must start with the words: “Challenge #5 entry.”

Once you have posted your entry, it cannot be modified. Mods can see edit histories.

If you break this rule or post incorrectly, you will be disqualified from the round.

This round will close at 8 p.m. Monday AEDT, if you don't enter, you cannot get #impunity.

The Prize

The best set of team challenge entries will win #impunity again and will not be required to vote this round.

Good luck, floggos.

 

[Snake_Baker]

You shifty pricks.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

skipjack
RedVest4
sainter3and7
harry000
boydshow

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

William Wonka
MAXIMUM GAWNAGE
Bloody_Nine

 

[harry000]

You shifty pricks.

Nice melt

 

[Bloody_Nine]

William Wonka
MAXIMUM GAWNAGE
Bloody_Nine

Don't quote me min...oh sorry...next challenge...

 

[bontshow]

Challenge #5 - Where's Kochie?

Did you steal this from my Jack Watts entry?

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Did you steal this from my Jack Watts entry?

2016 survivor.

 

[bontshow]

Challenge #5 Entry

I had no idea that Kinkshame Island was within the realm of the People's Republic of China, but I guess the South China Sea didn't either. Nonetheless, I found of all people David Koch at camp after returning from the last challenge

As I approached, it appeared as though he was painting the canopy of our tent. "Oh God, I ****ing hate teal" I said to Gawnage. "That's not teal mate" he replied. Kochie had red and yellow paint, and was recreating the Chinese flag!

"Oi!" I called, which startled him, as he started to flee. We gave chase, and he fled into the dense forest. We lost track of him, but in his haste a card had fallen out of his bag

"OMG, it all makes sense!" I said to Gawnage. "Kochie's not a Port Adelaide man trying to extract money from China, he's an undercover Chinese agent trying to relocate Port Adelaide by stealth!"

"Yeah that makes total sense" said Gawnage. "The Shanghai stadium was emptier than Metricon post-Ablett, it never stacked up financially."

We walked back to camp, approaching our now red tent. "Hey Gawnage, if Port relocates, were they established in 1997 or 2018?" I said. "Hahahaha!" Gawnage laughed. "Wonder if Eddie will let them be the Magpies if they're overseas?" "Nah mate, teal all the way! Kochie might be a Chinese secret agent, but he will always be Eddie's bitch"

 

[Bloody_Nine]

Challenge #5 Entry

"Where's Koch?" the K4Eva asked.

my first thought "whats a Koch"?
second "is he mispronouncing "****"?
third "who the hell cares".

But since its for #impunity, even though I already have the hidden bridge on a stick idol (sooo easy), I thought I'd have a look around.

The maggot pit?

Island maggot pit showing cakes by Morgs

Nope.

Mt ******mybanjo?

Mt ******mybanjo, from Kinkshame base camp

The dead hippo pond?

Dead hippo art by Jose

Maybe the cave of no hope?

Bombres2003 eating the remains of Snake_Baker

Maybe he's over near the campfire

Boydshow, Harry, and Willi singing Kumbaya

After exhausting all possibilities, it dawned on me... the only place I had not looked, the one place I hoped he would not find and defile...I crept closer to the shrine, my fears were realised:

David Koch... you ******. the only safe place and you find it. The Jelly bath.

 

[harry000]

Challenge #5 Entry

"Where's Koch?" the K4Eva asked.

my first thought "whats a Koch"?
second "is he mispronouncing "****"?
third "who the hell cares".

But since its for #impunity, even though I already have the hidden bridge on a stick idol (sooo easy), I thought I'd have a look around.

The maggot pit?

Island maggot pit showing cakes by Morgs

Nope.

Mt ******mybanjo?

Mt ******mybanjo, from Kinkshame base camp

The dead hippo pond?

Dead hippo art by Jose

Maybe the cave of no hope?

Bombres2003 eating the remains of Snake_Baker

Maybe he's over near the campfire

Boydshow, Harry, and Willi singing Kumbaya

After exhausting all possibilities, it dawned on me... the only place I had not looked, the one place I hoped he would not find and defile...I crept closer to the shrine, my fears were realised:

David Koch... you ******. the only safe place and you find it. The Jelly bath.

Did lol at bombers2003 eating the remains of snske baker

 

[Sainter3and7]

Well done Bloody_Nine, I LOLed.

 

[Sainter3and7]

Challenge #5 Entry

Kochie has enlisted the help of Port fans to help provide us with clues.

Maxine Spratt, a Port fan who became infamous for racially vilifying Eddie Betts, is the first person I see.
She asks me if I want to pursue swimming and **** with her, but I decline. (Don't know why).
So she tells me to GAGF. Thanks for the help, you campaigner.


Maxine works part-time as a model.

The next person giving directions is Alexandra Pelosi, who threw a banana at Eddie Betts.


It's ok, I have more, she tells the Port fans.

A clue about directions, I realize... the far right.

I see another Port fan, this time wearing a Nazi uniform.


I'm starting to sense a trend here.

He's getting on a train, so I ask him where it's going. "China," he replies. Kochie has definitely got the fans to give directions!

Lo and behold, the only place the train stops is at the Holden Centre, home of the Collingwood Football Club.


"Buy your Port jumpers here," he says.

I look closely, in case he is also giving directions.

View attachment 588398
Nope, nothing to see here.

Thankfully, the AFL's diversity officer got us some culturally-appropriate clothing.


Nothing like blending in with the locals.

Hold on, I look around an see some writing in an Asian language... but it doesn't seem to be in Chinese. Oh no, Kochie has taken us to North Korea!


Port always has success when it recruits mature-age players.

DapperJong will be happy, cause the players are showing respect to the man they hope will be their new captain.


Having heard of Kim Jong-Un's supreme abilities, the players acknowledge him appropriately.

They show him a picture of the 2007 Grand Final scoreboard and ask him to change the past. "No, you are a bunch of flogs," he proclaims.



And here we are, in North Korea, and the LOLs keep coming about 119.

 

[bontshow]

And here we are, in North Korea, and the LOLs keep coming about 119.

My Mrs asked me this morning why I always put the microwave on 1:19, I realised it's been 11 years and it's still funny

 

[William Wonka]

Challenge #5 entry


1am: Out hunting for Koch, no success

3am: Still desperately chasing Koch...

5am: Am now falling asleep, expect Ill dream about Koch.




Anyway enough about my average Friday night, lets get back to the Island.

Catching a slippery puffer fish like Kochie is a problem, a big problem.

I need help from someone who solves puffer problems, an expert- someone who knows everything about puffers, their habits, their history, their club, their players, their fans and their posters.

Someone so feared their name is never spoken around Alberton, they simply call her 'The Bitch'

I make the call...

"Hi just wondering if I could get your help in the next few days hunting down a Puffe..."

"A Puffer!!!! Ill be there in 10 minutes"




Willy- "So how do we find the Kochie campaigner"

subaru - "Puffffffffferrrrrssszzzz, filthy creatures! We have to locate their nest, find one it will lead you to the rest"

Willy- "Well ive noticed a few about, one has fat wrists, another a shit stained couch, one looks like a bit porcine..."

Subaru- "The pig! Yessss bring me the couch shitter and the pig"

Willy- "Shouldn't be hard to catch, ive got the perfect puffer bait, watch"

"119"

"Got them"



Willy-"Ok Subaru how are you gunna get them to talk?"



Subaru- "You leave that to me"




Willy- "Jeezus Subaru! What good are they now? You bloody South Australians and your barrels"

Subaru- "Relax Willy, you cant kill of puffers- give them a few weeks and they will be back in another form, I guarantee it"

Willy- "If you say so... Anyway I don't need to worry about any of that, I know how to find Kochie- im just going to hide down this hole for a few days then jump in an ambulance"



Willy- "Found him"

 

[Dinsdale]

Dead Hippos, bodies in barrells, this challenge is taking an interesting turn...

 

[harry000]

Challenge #5 entry

Day 1

Kochie is going to be hard to find. Luckily, I have an advantage over the others. I have enlisted the help of another lad who is a professional at disappearing when the heat is on, preferring uncontested situations or hiding behind larger team mates.

Jimmy was looking nervous so I asked what was wrong.

“How long do you think this will take? I miss mums home cooking and I only left home this morning! It doesn’t seem like you guys eat very good out here on the island. I saw that Snake Baker guy eating a rat, didn’t even kill it, just bit it’s head off.”

I chuckled and put his mind at ease. “We eat just fine out here mate. Snake baker is just a lunatic and he has been voted off now, good riddance. I’m surprised you hadn’t been told by one of the others! I am one of the finest fisherman this side of main bored! Have a look at this photo from one of my expeditions.”



“Any way Jim, where do you think Koch will be? Here is a rough map of the island that I have drawn up.”



“hmmm.” Jimmy looked thoughtfully at the map, “I recon Kochie will be at the tip of the island. Port fans are so used to getting ‘just the tip’ from this footy club, it’s the only possible place he would be.”


Day 2

“Why does K4E have a hard on for Port right now? First a Jack Watts challenge and now he is picking on Kochie?” asked Jimmy.

“I did wonder this ol’ Toump! My theory is that he is jealous of all the A grade recruits Port has brought in. Such as Lindsay Thomas and Motlop. Meanwhile, only Port rejects want to go to his club!”

Jimmy and I had trekked from Left Nut Hill all the way to Knob Valley and the going was tough. The opposition tribe had tried to slow us down a number of times!

Sainter cooked up a moussaka and tried to lure Toump off track, Vesty scared him off with a tackle bag and Boydshow offered him a footy rub, which is odd becasue we are on the same team so I am not sure if he was actually trying to slow us down. Finally, we had made it over the crest of Knob Valley and onto the tip.

There sat a dodgy looking tin shed covered in tarps. A guard wearing teal stood outside. As I got closer I realised it was Sam Powell-Pepper.

“What are you doing here Sam?” Toump enquired.

Sam spat back, “President picked me as protector of pr0n. Powell-Pepper protects pr0n so piss-off please. ”

“Is Kochie in there.” I asked.

“Powell-pepper picked panties without permission, Powell-Pepper punished, perform position of protector of pr0n.”

I pulled out the sex pillow I had stolen from Sainter ealier and threw it in the bushes. This caused SPP to leave his guard position and dive into the bushes after. I entered the shed and he was there. I found Kochie.

 

[RedVest4]

Challenge #5 entry










































Can’t find him, sorry.

 

[Kangaroos4eva]

Flog Council

Again, it is The South Cockney Foot Fetish Gang who are the victors, congrats, you don’t have to vote this round. Team CBF is certainly living up to its name.

skipjack
RedVest4
sainter3and7

You gents know what to do. You have until 6pm tomorrow to pm me your vote. After this round, there will be no more teams.