Dad jokes - add yours

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A kid went to school one day and at lunch time two girls started calling him "purple flower". He had no idea what it meant, but knew it wasn't good, so he told the teacher that was on yard duty. She was disgusted and sent him to sit in the corridor until class resumed, and to then tell his classroom teacher.
He told his classroom teacher "Miss, Miss, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see you"
The teacher was disgusted... "Purple flower? Horrible, just horrible" she said, and sent him straight to the principal's office.
The boy went to the principal's office and told his story. "Sir, Sir, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me straight here"
The principal was disgusted. "Purple flower? I'll have none of that at my school. You're suspended. I'll call for you to be picked up at once."
So his mum picks him up, and he tells the story on his way home. "Mum, Mum, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me to the principal and he suspended me and that's when he called for you to pick me up"
His mum said nothing until they got home. She sent him to his room : "Not a word from you! Stay in there until your father gets home!!!"
So the dad gets home, and walks into the boy's room and the boy starts to explain. "Dad, Dad, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me to the principal and he suspended me and that's when he called for Mum to pick me up, but she sent me straight to my room to wait for you"
The Dad was furious. "Purple flower? You're no son of mine" and kicked him out!!!
So the boy is walking the streets at night and runs into a hippie. "Hey man" says the hippie, "you looked bummed out man". And the boy starts to explain. "Well, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me to the principal and he suspended me and that's when he called for Mum to pick me up, but she sent me straight to my room to wait for my Dad and he kicked me out of the house"
The hippie freaked out "oh no man, get away from me man, you're giving me bad vibes man, purple flower is evil man"
So the kid kept walking the streets, and was at a pedestrian crossing and decided to help an old lady cross the road. She asks him, "so what are you doing out on your own this late at night" and he explains. "Well, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me to the principal and he suspended me and that's when he called for Mum to pick me up, but she sent me straight to my room to wait for my Dad and he kicked me out of the house. So I hit the streets and bumped into a hippie and when I told him what happened he said I was giving him bad vibes and he ran away and then I bumped into you"
The old lady is mortified. "Purple flower?? Oh no, dear. Oh no. That's horrible. But you helped me cross the road, so I think you're a decent boy. I can't help you but I think I know someone who can. His name is Bill and he's an old doctor. He lives in that blue house over there... go and see him, and tell him Mrs Rogers sent you"
So the boy goes over to Dr.Bill's house and knocks on the door. The old doctor asks "Whaddya want, kid?" and the boy starts to explain. "Well, I was eating my lunch and two girls started calling me purple flower and I went to the teacher on yard duty and she told me to sit in the corridor until class came back, and then to see the class teacher, and when I saw her she called me horrible and sent me to the principal and he suspended me and that's when he called for Mum to pick me up, but she sent me straight to my room to wait for my Dad and he kicked me out of the house. So I hit the streets and bumped into a hippie and when I told him what happened he said I was giving him bad vibes and he ran away and then I helped an old lady cross the road and she said I should see you. Her name's Mrs Rogers"
"Ah, I see" said the old doctor. "I trust Mrs Rogers, a very good judge of character she is. But we have to sort out this purple flower business"
"So you can help me?" asked the boy
"No" said Dr.Bill, "but I know someone who can. He's a very old and wise wizard. He'll fix your problem, I'm certain of it"
"Please, please, Dr.Bill" pleaded the boy, "please tell me where I can find him"
"Okay" said the doctor. "It's a bit of a hike, so follow these instructions carefully. Walk three miles down this road until you come to an old gum tree, then turn right and head up the hill, and down again the other side. Once you've got to the bottom, there's a lake you'll have to swim across, and once you've swum across it, you'll need to walk through the forest until you cross a road, and find the old wizard's house there. With a bit of luck the old wizard's house will have a light on and you can follow that until you reach it"
"Thank you so much" said the boy, and off he went.
He walked three miles down the road and spotted the gum tree, then turned right and headed up the hill and down the other side. He saw the lake and swam across it, and dragged his cold wet torso out of the water to walk through the forest. He started to make out a light in the distance, and picked up pace in his optimism.. and then, there it was. The house with a light on, just across the road.
He started to cross the road and was run over by a 30-tonne truck carrying two containers of left handed screwdrivers.
The moral of this story is to look both ways before you cross the road.
 
Give a man a plane ticket and he flies for a little while.

Throw him out of a plane and he flies for the rest of his life.
 

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SonofSamsquanch said:
Sir David Attenborough was knighted for the second time today. In his acceptance speech he's alleged to have quoted Tim and Bill from the Goodies, by saying, "Once a Knight, always a knight, twice a night, and you're doing all right!".
Click to expand...
Did he also give commentary on the breeding habits of the royals and production of offspring from the mating or breeding of individuals or organisms that are closely related genetically?
 
SonofSamsquanch said:
Sir David Attenborough was knighted for the second time today. In his acceptance speech he's alleged to have quoted Tim and Bill from the Goodies, by saying, "Once a Knight, always a knight, twice a night, and you're doing all right!".
Click to expand...
I thought he quoted Bill and Ted...

"Every rose has its thorn
Just like every night has its dawn"
 
An old man is walking through a park. He sits down on a park bench and starts sobbing uncontrollably. A passer by stops to assist the elderly gentleman.
"What's wrong?" asks the passer-by.
The old man begins, blubbering as he cries, "Well, I have a beautiful wife, 25 years old, tall, slender, big funbags, absolutely gorgeous. She's a great cook, does all the housework, waits on me hand and foot, she does. And the sex... the sex is unbelievable", and he keeps on sobbing.
The good samaritan is perplexed. "So why are you crying?"
Old man starts bawling again. "I've forgotten where I live!"
 

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