Dad jokes - add yours

[big_e]

I took the shell off of my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.

But if anything, it made him more sluggish.

 

[Orange Peanut]

Why was the pig covered in ink?

Because he lives in a pen.

 

[Roogal]

The Seven Dwarfs after a long day working in the mine were all finally home soaking in a warm bath and feeling happy, so he got out

 

[SammyRoo]

My wife was getting annoyed at me singing Wonderwall all day long.

She asked me to stop.

I said Maybe.

 

[fnarr fnarr]

Paddy and Mick were walking through town looking for a job. Paddy sees a flyer taped to a pole which says "Tree Fellers Wanted".
Mick takes a look and says "Ah dat's no good Paddy, there's only two of us!"

 

[Roogal]

William Shatner recently announced that he was selling up his stocks and cutting his losses in his Lady's continence pants business. Apparently the "Shatner Pants" line was a sales disaster.

 

[gokangas]

Today I went to a meeting of the Premature Ejaculators Support group. Turns out it's tomorrow.

 

[gokangas]

I just found out the area between the front and back door at Nandos is called the peri perineum.

 

[gokangas]

My doctor told me I have to lose weight.
How will I do that, I asked.
Don't eat anything fatty, he said.
I said like chips, burgers, bacon?
He said no - just don't eat anything, fatty.

 

[Roogal]

Today I went to a meeting of the Premature Ejaculators Support group. Turns out it's tomorrow.

Either that or the other meeting attendees went home having come too early.

 

[andana]

Send in a joke to win. I knew those people read our board

Error page

tradablebits.com

 

[DERRINALPHIL]

The greatest ever catholic joke

 

[roomagic1984]

Hi all - I just wanted to let you know I now identify as Michael Jackson.



My pronouns are he/he

 

[fnarr fnarr]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, okay but you have to be single and you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Graeme and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

 

[fnarr fnarr]

And just to contradict that last joke...

Why are nuns called nuns?
Cos they get none.

 

[Gimmeafree]

One for today.

I’ve always thought it would be easier if they had Mother’s Day and Father’s Day on the same day. You could then buy one card wishing happy Motherfathers Day.

 

[Lomas]

One for today.

I’ve always thought it would be easier if they had Mother’s Day and Father’s Day on the same day. You could then buy one card wishing happy Motherfathers Day.

Please forgive me, but I'm going to have to ask to be walked through this.

 

[gokangas]

Sadly, the man who invented Tupperware has died. They have delayed the funeral because they can't find the right size lid for the coffin.

 

[Gimmeafree]

Please forgive me, but I'm going to have to ask to be walked through this.

Ok., say Motherfuthers quickly. Any more hints and I might be banned lol.

 

[discomute]

My three favourites:

Why can you never joke with a kleptomaniac?
Because they take things literally

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's okay, he woke up.

And the best of all time...

Why can you never trust an atom?
Because they make up everything.

 

[gokangas]

Politicians and nappies have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

 

[gokangas]

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

 

[gokangas]

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If case of an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”. WTF would my wife do?

 

[gokangas]

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.

 

[for3sh0ck]

I used to be able to play the piano by ear, but now I have to use my hands.