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AFLW 2024 - Round 6 - Chat, game threads, injury lists, team lineups and more.
Dwayne ' shit commentator ' Russell - PART 2 in 3d
- Thread starter September_Glory
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Stone in sock
Team Captain
"Always been a man for the money shot, Milne!" 
Marklar_33
Brownlow Medallist
Has Fox delivered a kill shot to "the KILL SHOT!", because the phrase today, at least 3 times, was "delivers the KNOCKOUT BLOW"
The 80s called, they want their derwayne russell back as their head commentator
If you like 80s, 90s and 00s stuff i recommend movies like Donnie Darko and Southland Tales
If you like 80s, 90s and 00s stuff i recommend movies like Donnie Darko and Southland Tales
"Always been a man for the money shot, Milne!"
Yep, I had a chuckle at that one too.
Funny on so many levels
Melbourne vs Richmond, I presume. Or is Schwass filling in for him?
Heard him commentating friday night on radio and his voice was cactus.
Nah, Campbell's filling in for him.
I think it went along the lines of "Lewis Jetta was hiding in the shadows".
Not a good look. His commentary is nauseating!!
I love that his current wiki page still has this line
"Covering the major sporting events of Melbourne, Russell, built up a serviceable record as the number four sports writer at the number three sports paper in Melbourne"
- Aug 6, 2010
- 13,249
- 19,374
- AFL Club
- Melbourne
- Other Teams
- MCFC, The Exers
After McVeigh "GOT THE PARTY STARTED!" I decided I had stomached enough Derwayne for one sitting.
His commentary has gone well past the train wreck stage. The bodies are now mangled all over the tracks, and looking upon the wreckage causes profuse vomiting.
His commentary has gone well past the train wreck stage. The bodies are now mangled all over the tracks, and looking upon the wreckage causes profuse vomiting.
I think it went along the lines of "Lewis Jetta was hiding in the shadows".
Not a good look. His commentary is nauseating!!
Ah, yeah sorry. I was close
If someone marks the ball alone at half back:
"Can get and go".
"Can get and go".
Stan Darsh
Team Captain
Dwayne is my favourite caller. He exaggerates so much, is unwillng to ever correct his mistakes, (even when patently pointed out immediately after) is so obtuse (milne money-shot had me rolling for 10 minutes) and uses smarmy catchphrases as often as possible. The man's personality simply belies belief. I love him.
Pietimeanytime
Rookie
The shadows and Lewis Jetta was hilarious, but I loved the kick out from a behind with 0.00 on the clock-less than one second.
Dwayne's call? 'There is time only for a turnover from this kick...'
You guessed it, the siren went with the ball in the air.
Just stupid.
Dwayne's call? 'There is time only for a turnover from this kick...'
You guessed it, the siren went with the ball in the air.
Just stupid.
KeithBlight
Senior List
It's been a while since anyone's posted one of those Dwayne-inspired commentators storylines.
I did Part One of a story on the last Dwayne ****head Russell thread, and had Part Two ready to go, only to find that the Russell thread had itself been superceded by a PART 2 version.
For the sake of continuity - and because I've tweaked Part One just a bit - I thought I'd re-post it here, then add Part Two straight after it.
As I said at the start of my first Part One, on Part 1 of the Dwayne somethinghead Russell thread, it's a bit of a slow burn, so a bit of patience is required.
Here goes....
Part One: Where's Whateley?
A group of footy commentators are invited to Bruce McAvaney’s place to throw a surprise 50th birthday party for Dwayne Russell. Once all the guests had arrived Bruce noticed that Malcolm Blight, Tony Shaw and Gerard Whateley aren’t among them.
Bruce: Everyone, I know Tony Shaw’s jogging his way here, and Mowcom’s catching a taxi, but does anyone know if Gerard Whateley’s coming tonight?
Drew Muppett: No, Bruce. Tonight Gerard’s a contestant on Letters And Numbers. (Looks at his watch) Which reminds me, it’s on right now!
Bruce quickly turns on the TV, and everyone gathers around.
Dennis Cometti: There he is!
Anthony Hudson: I see it, but I don’t believe it!
Brian Taylor: Woweee! How’d he get onto a show like that?
Luke Darcy: Pretty easy for him, BT. He’s as smart as anyone on that show.
Sam Lane: *Shush everyone, he’s pickinga consonant.
Gerard Whateley: Could I have an ‘S’, pleasssssse?
And another ‘Sssss’.
... And another ‘Sssssss’.
Bruce: Oooh he loves the letter ‘S’, doesn’t he?
Drew Muppett: Loves the sound of his own voice, I think you’ll find, Bruce.
Dennis Cometti: He’s not alone there, Drew. Just look around this room!
Sam Lane: Shush everyone, he’s unjumblingthe anagram.
Gerard Whateley: I’ve got..., ah...seven, eight, nine..., ten. ‘SSSIPOSSSS’. Excsssiting young Ssst.Kilda player.
Bruce: Oh, that’s clevaaaaahhhh, isn’t it?
Dennis Cometti: Actually, no, Bruce. A footballer’s name isn’t a legitimate answer on this program.
Robert Walls: He’d be disappointed with himself there. He’s gotta do better than that.
Bored with Gerard Whateley, and keen to be the perfect host;
Bruce: Look everyone, it’s going to be a while before Dwayne arrives, isn’t it? We’d all have to be getting a bit hungry, wouldn’t we?
Dennis Cometti: I’m definitely feeling a little peckish, Bruce. Perhaps we could order some take away.
Bruce: Ahhh, Den, so clever of you to work fooboow terminology into everyday conversation.
Dennis: Well, I'm not sure "take away" is actually a football term, Bruce, but while we’re on the subject, what is it with South Australians and your dislike for the letter “L”? It’s quite a handy letter. You should think about using it some time.
Bruce: So... what are we thinking? Chiiiiiineeeeese? Iiiiiinnndiiaaaaaan? Mexxxxxxxicaaaaaan?
BT: Pizza! That’ll go down well.
Billy Brownless: And a couple of frothies!
Bruce: Actually pizza’s good. There’s an exxxxxxxcellent pizza shop not far from here. Guiseppi’s Pizzeria. I’ll just look up the number in the phone book.”
He grabs a copy of the White Pages A to L, and turns to G.
Bruce: Let’s see now. Gaaaaaaack. Gee that’s a strange name, isn’t it? Gaaaaaasssccch, Gaaaaabelllliiiiiichh. Now there’s a legendary Collingwood name from a few decades ago! Gaaaaaaammmble – oh, the footy names just keep popping up, don’t they?
Dennis: Skip a bit, will you, Bruce.
To everyone’s relief, Anthony Hudson rushes in from the kitchen waving a Guiseppi’s brochure.
Huddo: Bruce, you had a Guiseppi’s brochure here on your fridge.
Dennis: Just in the nick of time!
Bruce: Oh, that’s right. How silly of me. ... And It has the menu on it, Huddo, hasn’t it? Yes, here it is.
What’ve we got...? Ahh, Muuuuussssshhhhhrooooooom, Vegggggggggggggiiiiieeeee, Capricccciiiioooooooooooossssssssaaaaaa. Hawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaan. Oh, here’s my favourite House Speeeeeeeecccccccccciiiiiaaaalll!
Huddo: Can we go half Aussie, half Hawaiian?
Bruce (chuckling): Surely this year it has to be All Australian, doesn’t it?
(No-one laughs)
Bruce: Sorry, I’m being a bit humorous there.
Crickets outside: Chirp, chirp.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
*Sam Lane's halting speech with thanks to BF's Handy_Point
I did Part One of a story on the last Dwayne ****head Russell thread, and had Part Two ready to go, only to find that the Russell thread had itself been superceded by a PART 2 version.
For the sake of continuity - and because I've tweaked Part One just a bit - I thought I'd re-post it here, then add Part Two straight after it.
As I said at the start of my first Part One, on Part 1 of the Dwayne somethinghead Russell thread, it's a bit of a slow burn, so a bit of patience is required.
Here goes....
Part One: Where's Whateley?
A group of footy commentators are invited to Bruce McAvaney’s place to throw a surprise 50th birthday party for Dwayne Russell. Once all the guests had arrived Bruce noticed that Malcolm Blight, Tony Shaw and Gerard Whateley aren’t among them.
Bruce: Everyone, I know Tony Shaw’s jogging his way here, and Mowcom’s catching a taxi, but does anyone know if Gerard Whateley’s coming tonight?
Drew Muppett: No, Bruce. Tonight Gerard’s a contestant on Letters And Numbers. (Looks at his watch) Which reminds me, it’s on right now!
Bruce quickly turns on the TV, and everyone gathers around.
Dennis Cometti: There he is!
Anthony Hudson: I see it, but I don’t believe it!
Brian Taylor: Woweee! How’d he get onto a show like that?
Luke Darcy: Pretty easy for him, BT. He’s as smart as anyone on that show.
Sam Lane: *Shush everyone, he’s pickinga consonant.
Gerard Whateley: Could I have an ‘S’, pleasssssse?
And another ‘Sssss’.
... And another ‘Sssssss’.
Bruce: Oooh he loves the letter ‘S’, doesn’t he?
Drew Muppett: Loves the sound of his own voice, I think you’ll find, Bruce.
Dennis Cometti: He’s not alone there, Drew. Just look around this room!
Sam Lane: Shush everyone, he’s unjumblingthe anagram.
Gerard Whateley: I’ve got..., ah...seven, eight, nine..., ten. ‘SSSIPOSSSS’. Excsssiting young Ssst.Kilda player.
Bruce: Oh, that’s clevaaaaahhhh, isn’t it?
Dennis Cometti: Actually, no, Bruce. A footballer’s name isn’t a legitimate answer on this program.
Robert Walls: He’d be disappointed with himself there. He’s gotta do better than that.
Bored with Gerard Whateley, and keen to be the perfect host;
Bruce: Look everyone, it’s going to be a while before Dwayne arrives, isn’t it? We’d all have to be getting a bit hungry, wouldn’t we?
Dennis Cometti: I’m definitely feeling a little peckish, Bruce. Perhaps we could order some take away.
Bruce: Ahhh, Den, so clever of you to work fooboow terminology into everyday conversation.
Dennis: Well, I'm not sure "take away" is actually a football term, Bruce, but while we’re on the subject, what is it with South Australians and your dislike for the letter “L”? It’s quite a handy letter. You should think about using it some time.
Bruce: So... what are we thinking? Chiiiiiineeeeese? Iiiiiinnndiiaaaaaan? Mexxxxxxxicaaaaaan?
BT: Pizza! That’ll go down well.
Billy Brownless: And a couple of frothies!
Bruce: Actually pizza’s good. There’s an exxxxxxxcellent pizza shop not far from here. Guiseppi’s Pizzeria. I’ll just look up the number in the phone book.”
He grabs a copy of the White Pages A to L, and turns to G.
Bruce: Let’s see now. Gaaaaaaack. Gee that’s a strange name, isn’t it? Gaaaaaasssccch, Gaaaaabelllliiiiiichh. Now there’s a legendary Collingwood name from a few decades ago! Gaaaaaaammmble – oh, the footy names just keep popping up, don’t they?
Dennis: Skip a bit, will you, Bruce.
To everyone’s relief, Anthony Hudson rushes in from the kitchen waving a Guiseppi’s brochure.
Huddo: Bruce, you had a Guiseppi’s brochure here on your fridge.
Dennis: Just in the nick of time!
Bruce: Oh, that’s right. How silly of me. ... And It has the menu on it, Huddo, hasn’t it? Yes, here it is.
What’ve we got...? Ahh, Muuuuussssshhhhhrooooooom, Vegggggggggggggiiiiieeeee, Capricccciiiioooooooooooossssssssaaaaaa. Hawaiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaaaaan. Oh, here’s my favourite House Speeeeeeeecccccccccciiiiiaaaalll!
Huddo: Can we go half Aussie, half Hawaiian?
Bruce (chuckling): Surely this year it has to be All Australian, doesn’t it?
(No-one laughs)
Bruce: Sorry, I’m being a bit humorous there.
Crickets outside: Chirp, chirp.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
*Sam Lane's halting speech with thanks to BF's Handy_Point
KeithBlight
Senior List
Part Two, “What about moi?”
Bruce orders the pizzas from Guiseppi’s, while Dennis decides he’d prefer a Subway footlong. Eventually the pizzas are delivered, Dennis returns with his footlong, and Billy Brownless wheels in a barrow full of frothies.
Dennis: Would you have a tape measure, Bruce? I’d like to check the length of this foot-long.
Bruce pulls a tape out of a drawer and Dennis lays it alongside the roll.
Dennis: Hmmm. Thirty point four eight! That’s centimetre perfect!
Stephen Quartermaine: That’s an absolute disgrace, Dennis. Surely that has to be measured in imperial. You should never be allowed to use a tape measure again!
Luke Darcy: That’s right, Quarters. Dennis, a foot is as good as anything metric has to offer.
Dennis: Yes, you’re right Luke.I guess some things just don’t convert well. Take Travis Cloke!!
Bruce: Awh, clevvvvvvvvaaaaahhhhh!
Dennis: But seriously. It’s true, metric conversions don’t always work that well. Take the saying, “Give him an inch, he’ll take a mile.” It just doesn’t sound right as, “Give him two point five four centimetres, he’ll take one point six zero nine kilometres."
A car pulls up outside, a passenger gets out and an argument can be heard. Malcolm Blight has caught a taxi to Bruce’s house, despite staying at a motel only two blocks away.
Taxi Driver: Oh blimey you are a jerk Mister Blight. You promised me an exciting ride!
Malcolm: It was exciting. I’m just sorry the ride was so short.
(See what I did there?)
Taxi Driver: Mister Blight, when it comes to struggling taxi drivers, I believe you are very very much lacking in commitment.
Malcolm: Now hang on. You can say that I’m tight. You can call me lazy for not wanting to walk two blocks... I don’t care. But to say I lack commitment.... Nah. That’s a wank!
Bruce hurries out to calm the situation down. The taxi driver screeches off to buy a Melways - as he has no idea where he is - and to pick up his next fare...one Michael Hurley.
Bruce: Good to see you could make it, Mowcom.
Malcolm: Hi Bruce. Hey, was that Tony Shaw I saw back there lying under a tree with a replica Olympic torch and a bump on his head?
Bruce: Oh, Shawy. Not again! You did you stop to help him, didn’t you?
Malcolm: Stop to help Tony Shaw? Of course not. I couldn’t give a rat’s tossbag!
Bruce: Fair enough, Mowcom. Anyway, your timing’s impeccable, the food’s just arrived. We’ve got some delicious pizzas here from Guiseppi’s Pizzeria, which has been voted Australia’s Best Pizza for the last six years running. That’s a pretty impressive record, isn’t it? I mean you’d have to agree, wouldn’t you? Let me run through what we’ve got, can I? Margherrrrriiiiiita, Caappriiiiiicccciiooo....
Several guests lunge at Bruce, covering his mouth, and dragging him out of the room.
Robert Walls: Help yourself, Malcolm. Just don’t touch the family sized Belly Burster, that’s Billy’s!
Huddo: You mean the TWO family sized Belly Bursters, Wallsy.
Billy: Yeah Blighty, and keep your mitts off me frothies!
Just then Sam Lane’s mobile phone starts ringing. She looks at the screen and panics.
Sam Lane: *Oh no. It’s AndyMaher. I ..... bet he’s found out aboutthe party. .... Should I answer it? He’ll be...... prettyupset.
Her hair flings wildly as she looks left and right, left and right, left and right, seeking an answer from whoever in the room could give a rat’s tossbag.
Malcolm Blight: Don’t look at me!
Seeing no-one else is paying any attention to her she decides she might as well take the call from Maher.
Sam Lane: Um... Hi Andy.
Andy Maher: Hoy Sam. Oy heeyah youse blokes are ‘round at McAvaney’s place havin’ a pardy? Anyone think to invoyt moi?
Sam Lane: Well Andy...
Andy Maher: How do ya think that makes moi feel? Eh Sam? How am oi supposed ta feel?
Sam Lane: Look Andy...
Andy Maher: Nah, hang on Sam, let me finish. How do yooooo feel about all this? Give us your thoughts on how oi feel? Cleeeayolly you blokes had an agenda for moi not to be invoyted.”
Sam is now quite rattled, as she so often gets when she can’t get a word in, and responds aggressively.
Sam Lane: Firstly, let me just ....... say I take issue with you referring to me as a ‘bloke’. That is so sexist.....of you! To just lump allofus in together under a ....... colloquial term only ever used in reference to MEN. ....... Women have a right to share in a man’s birthday party as well, you know. So .......show us some respect.
Bruce: Excuse me, Sam.Go and put the kettle on for us, luv? Could you?
With that Sam storms out of the house - to thunderous applause - and as the door slams behind her;
Billy Brownless: Anyway, who was that bloke?
Laughter rings out across the room, but Tim Lane, taking umbrage at his daughter’s treatment, leaps to his feet.
Tim Lane: I cannot, in all good conscience, remain in company with a group with whose philosophies I am simply not comfortable. If you’ll excuse me.
He marches to the front door, turns, and with righteous indignation, pronounces;
The days of male domination are over!
As the door closes firmly behind him;
Dennis Cometti: You know what I love about this area, Bruce? There are lots of Roads, Streets, Avenues, Crescents, and Courts.... but no Lanes!
The room fills with laughter, although Bruce hurriedly checks his Street Directory.
Bruce: Actually Dennis, there’s a Bingham’s Lane just two blocks that way.........................Isn’t there?
Crickets: Chirp, chirp.
Dennis: Thanks Bruce.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
Bruce orders the pizzas from Guiseppi’s, while Dennis decides he’d prefer a Subway footlong. Eventually the pizzas are delivered, Dennis returns with his footlong, and Billy Brownless wheels in a barrow full of frothies.
Dennis: Would you have a tape measure, Bruce? I’d like to check the length of this foot-long.
Bruce pulls a tape out of a drawer and Dennis lays it alongside the roll.
Dennis: Hmmm. Thirty point four eight! That’s centimetre perfect!
Stephen Quartermaine: That’s an absolute disgrace, Dennis. Surely that has to be measured in imperial. You should never be allowed to use a tape measure again!
Luke Darcy: That’s right, Quarters. Dennis, a foot is as good as anything metric has to offer.
Dennis: Yes, you’re right Luke.I guess some things just don’t convert well. Take Travis Cloke!!
Bruce: Awh, clevvvvvvvvaaaaahhhhh!
Dennis: But seriously. It’s true, metric conversions don’t always work that well. Take the saying, “Give him an inch, he’ll take a mile.” It just doesn’t sound right as, “Give him two point five four centimetres, he’ll take one point six zero nine kilometres."
A car pulls up outside, a passenger gets out and an argument can be heard. Malcolm Blight has caught a taxi to Bruce’s house, despite staying at a motel only two blocks away.
Taxi Driver: Oh blimey you are a jerk Mister Blight. You promised me an exciting ride!
Malcolm: It was exciting. I’m just sorry the ride was so short.
(See what I did there?)
Taxi Driver: Mister Blight, when it comes to struggling taxi drivers, I believe you are very very much lacking in commitment.
Malcolm: Now hang on. You can say that I’m tight. You can call me lazy for not wanting to walk two blocks... I don’t care. But to say I lack commitment.... Nah. That’s a wank!
Bruce hurries out to calm the situation down. The taxi driver screeches off to buy a Melways - as he has no idea where he is - and to pick up his next fare...one Michael Hurley.
Bruce: Good to see you could make it, Mowcom.
Malcolm: Hi Bruce. Hey, was that Tony Shaw I saw back there lying under a tree with a replica Olympic torch and a bump on his head?
Bruce: Oh, Shawy. Not again! You did you stop to help him, didn’t you?
Malcolm: Stop to help Tony Shaw? Of course not. I couldn’t give a rat’s tossbag!
Bruce: Fair enough, Mowcom. Anyway, your timing’s impeccable, the food’s just arrived. We’ve got some delicious pizzas here from Guiseppi’s Pizzeria, which has been voted Australia’s Best Pizza for the last six years running. That’s a pretty impressive record, isn’t it? I mean you’d have to agree, wouldn’t you? Let me run through what we’ve got, can I? Margherrrrriiiiiita, Caappriiiiiicccciiooo....
Several guests lunge at Bruce, covering his mouth, and dragging him out of the room.
Robert Walls: Help yourself, Malcolm. Just don’t touch the family sized Belly Burster, that’s Billy’s!
Huddo: You mean the TWO family sized Belly Bursters, Wallsy.
Billy: Yeah Blighty, and keep your mitts off me frothies!
Just then Sam Lane’s mobile phone starts ringing. She looks at the screen and panics.
Sam Lane: *Oh no. It’s AndyMaher. I ..... bet he’s found out aboutthe party. .... Should I answer it? He’ll be...... prettyupset.
Her hair flings wildly as she looks left and right, left and right, left and right, seeking an answer from whoever in the room could give a rat’s tossbag.
Malcolm Blight: Don’t look at me!
Seeing no-one else is paying any attention to her she decides she might as well take the call from Maher.
Sam Lane: Um... Hi Andy.
Andy Maher: Hoy Sam. Oy heeyah youse blokes are ‘round at McAvaney’s place havin’ a pardy? Anyone think to invoyt moi?
Sam Lane: Well Andy...
Andy Maher: How do ya think that makes moi feel? Eh Sam? How am oi supposed ta feel?
Sam Lane: Look Andy...
Andy Maher: Nah, hang on Sam, let me finish. How do yooooo feel about all this? Give us your thoughts on how oi feel? Cleeeayolly you blokes had an agenda for moi not to be invoyted.”
Sam is now quite rattled, as she so often gets when she can’t get a word in, and responds aggressively.
Sam Lane: Firstly, let me just ....... say I take issue with you referring to me as a ‘bloke’. That is so sexist.....of you! To just lump allofus in together under a ....... colloquial term only ever used in reference to MEN. ....... Women have a right to share in a man’s birthday party as well, you know. So .......show us some respect.
Bruce: Excuse me, Sam.Go and put the kettle on for us, luv? Could you?
With that Sam storms out of the house - to thunderous applause - and as the door slams behind her;
Billy Brownless: Anyway, who was that bloke?
Laughter rings out across the room, but Tim Lane, taking umbrage at his daughter’s treatment, leaps to his feet.
Tim Lane: I cannot, in all good conscience, remain in company with a group with whose philosophies I am simply not comfortable. If you’ll excuse me.
He marches to the front door, turns, and with righteous indignation, pronounces;
The days of male domination are over!
As the door closes firmly behind him;
Dennis Cometti: You know what I love about this area, Bruce? There are lots of Roads, Streets, Avenues, Crescents, and Courts.... but no Lanes!
The room fills with laughter, although Bruce hurriedly checks his Street Directory.
Bruce: Actually Dennis, there’s a Bingham’s Lane just two blocks that way.........................Isn’t there?
Crickets: Chirp, chirp.
Dennis: Thanks Bruce.
TO BE CONTINUED.....
can't wait. you have a gift. Nailed Andrew Maher. Why on earth does he talk like that? I've been meaning to ring in to SEN and ask him but I haven't gotten around to it yet because usually if I hear his voice I switch off.
Re: dwayne ****head russel
He's used it a couple of times before I'm sure.
The one that stands out from that game was the 'What Nic Naitanui can't do, can't be done' call.
I mean seriously Dwayne, you're embarrassing yourself
He's used it a couple of times before I'm sure.
