JHF1870’s Unfiltered 2024 Team Reviews: Where Honesty Meets Hilarity

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JHF1870

JHF1870

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Sep 19, 2007
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The dust has settled, the goals kicked, and the siren has sounded. But fear not, footy fanatics—our work is just beginning. Welcome to the annual JHF1870 team reviews, where we dissect the highs, lows, and questionable haircuts of the AFL season.

No sacred cows here. Whether your team hoisted the premiership cup or spent more time tripping over their own shoelaces than marking the ball, we’ve got something to say. And yes, even the reigning premiers will feel the gentle sting of our wit.

So grab your scarves, your sense of humor, and maybe a stiff drink (or three). Because as we dive into the rankings, remember: We’re not biased; we’re just right.

And now, for the countdown:

“The 2024 AFL Rankings: Underachievers, Incompetence, and the Art of Disrespect”

Friends, foes, and bewildered umpires, gather 'round! It’s time to unveil our brutally honest rankings. We promise no sugar-coating, no participation ribbons, and definitely no sympathy for that one team that thought ‘handball’ meant ‘throw it like a frisbee.’

Did your team underperform? Did they execute a game plan so baffling that even the pigeons on the goalposts scratched their heads? Well, strap in, because we’re about to dissect it all.

And if you disagree with our assessments? Well, let’s just say we’ve got a bridge to sell you in the Outback.

 
Coming in 18: Adelaide Crows
F

1727700024520.jpeg

Adelaide Crows 2024 Season: A Masterclass in Mediocrity

Ah, the Adelaide Crows. A team that promised us the moon and delivered a pebble. Ranking them an F for the 2024 season isn’t just a critique; it’s a public service announcement. Let’s dissect this debacle with the precision of a surgeon and the flair of a Shakespearean soliloquy.

The Great Expectations

Remember the optimism at the start of the season? The Crows were supposed to soar into the finals, riding on the back of a controversial decision that cost them dearly the previous year. Ben Keays’ infamous kick was supposed to be the catalyst for a resurgence. Instead, it became the prelude to another year of unfulfilled promises.

Seven Years of Solitude

Seven years without finals. Seven years of wandering in the wilderness. The coach, a man who seems to have the charisma of a damp sponge, continues to recycle the same tired lines in press conferences. “We need to reset,” he says, as if uttering a magic spell that will suddenly transform mediocrity into greatness. But alas, it’s all empty rhetoric.

Glimpses of Potential, Shadows of Reality

Yes, there were moments—fleeting glimpses of what could be. But like a mirage in the desert, they vanished as quickly as they appeared. The season, when viewed holistically, delivered very little. The mismanagement of youth was particularly egregious. Young players were thrown under the bus, expected to face the media with no guidance or mentoring. Meanwhile, the senior players, who have consistently failed, were backed to the hilt.

The Coach’s Conundrum

Our coach believes he has the right list. But belief without action is like a ship without a rudder—directionless and doomed to drift. His lack of media skills is glaring. He speaks in euphemisms and clichés, offering nothing of substance. It’s like throwing the baby out with the bathwater—sacrificing potential for the sake of maintaining the status quo.

The Final Verdict

In conclusion, the Adelaide Crows’ 2024 season was a masterclass in how not to run a football club. They promised us finals and delivered failure. They showed us potential and gave us disappointment. They managed their youth poorly and backed their failing seniors. For these reasons, they earn an F—a grade that reflects not just their performance, but their betrayal of our expectations.

So, as we move on to rank the other teams, let this serve as a cautionary tale. The Crows have set the bar for failure, and it will take a Herculean effort for any team to match their level of underachievement.

Looking ahead to 2025, Adelaide has a chance to step up and demand respect from the footy community. Their pass mark? Making it to the finals—nothing less. Falling short would mean perpetuating mediocrity. With anticipated off-season acquisitions, we’re optimistic that the Crows should secure a spot in the 5-8 range.”
 
JHF1870 said:
Coming in 18: Adelaide Crows
F

View attachment 2127414

Adelaide Crows 2024 Season: A Masterclass in Mediocrity

Ah, the Adelaide Crows. A team that promised us the moon and delivered a pebble. Ranking them an F for the 2024 season isn’t just a critique; it’s a public service announcement. Let’s dissect this debacle with the precision of a surgeon and the flair of a Shakespearean soliloquy.

The Great Expectations

Remember the optimism at the start of the season? The Crows were supposed to soar into the finals, riding on the back of a controversial decision that cost them dearly the previous year. Ben Keays’ infamous kick was supposed to be the catalyst for a resurgence. Instead, it became the prelude to another year of unfulfilled promises.

Seven Years of Solitude

Seven years without finals. Seven years of wandering in the wilderness. The coach, a man who seems to have the charisma of a damp sponge, continues to recycle the same tired lines in press conferences. “We need to reset,” he says, as if uttering a magic spell that will suddenly transform mediocrity into greatness. But alas, it’s all empty rhetoric.

Glimpses of Potential, Shadows of Reality

Yes, there were moments—fleeting glimpses of what could be. But like a mirage in the desert, they vanished as quickly as they appeared. The season, when viewed holistically, delivered very little. The mismanagement of youth was particularly egregious. Young players were thrown under the bus, expected to face the media with no guidance or mentoring. Meanwhile, the senior players, who have consistently failed, were backed to the hilt.

The Coach’s Conundrum

Our coach believes he has the right list. But belief without action is like a ship without a rudder—directionless and doomed to drift. His lack of media skills is glaring. He speaks in euphemisms and clichés, offering nothing of substance. It’s like throwing the baby out with the bathwater—sacrificing potential for the sake of maintaining the status quo.

The Final Verdict

In conclusion, the Adelaide Crows’ 2024 season was a masterclass in how not to run a football club. They promised us finals and delivered failure. They showed us potential and gave us disappointment. They managed their youth poorly and backed their failing seniors. For these reasons, they earn an F—a grade that reflects not just their performance, but their betrayal of our expectations.

So, as we move on to rank the other teams, let this serve as a cautionary tale. The Crows have set the bar for failure, and it will take a Herculean effort for any team to match their level of underachievement.

Looking ahead to 2025, Adelaide has a chance to step up and demand respect from the footy community. Their pass mark? Making it to the finals—nothing less. Falling short would mean perpetuating mediocrity. With anticipated off-season acquisitions, we’re optimistic that the Crows should secure a spot in the 5-8 range.”
Click to expand...
Excellent work.
 

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JHF1870 said:
Coming in 18: Adelaide Crows
F

View attachment 2127414

Adelaide Crows 2024 Season: A Masterclass in Mediocrity

Ah, the Adelaide Crows. A team that promised us the moon and delivered a pebble. Ranking them an F for the 2024 season isn’t just a critique; it’s a public service announcement. Let’s dissect this debacle with the precision of a surgeon and the flair of a Shakespearean soliloquy.

The Great Expectations

Remember the optimism at the start of the season? The Crows were supposed to soar into the finals, riding on the back of a controversial decision that cost them dearly the previous year. Ben Keays’ infamous kick was supposed to be the catalyst for a resurgence. Instead, it became the prelude to another year of unfulfilled promises.

Seven Years of Solitude

Seven years without finals. Seven years of wandering in the wilderness. The coach, a man who seems to have the charisma of a damp sponge, continues to recycle the same tired lines in press conferences. “We need to reset,” he says, as if uttering a magic spell that will suddenly transform mediocrity into greatness. But alas, it’s all empty rhetoric.

Glimpses of Potential, Shadows of Reality

Yes, there were moments—fleeting glimpses of what could be. But like a mirage in the desert, they vanished as quickly as they appeared. The season, when viewed holistically, delivered very little. The mismanagement of youth was particularly egregious. Young players were thrown under the bus, expected to face the media with no guidance or mentoring. Meanwhile, the senior players, who have consistently failed, were backed to the hilt.

The Coach’s Conundrum

Our coach believes he has the right list. But belief without action is like a ship without a rudder—directionless and doomed to drift. His lack of media skills is glaring. He speaks in euphemisms and clichés, offering nothing of substance. It’s like throwing the baby out with the bathwater—sacrificing potential for the sake of maintaining the status quo.

The Final Verdict

In conclusion, the Adelaide Crows’ 2024 season was a masterclass in how not to run a football club. They promised us finals and delivered failure. They showed us potential and gave us disappointment. They managed their youth poorly and backed their failing seniors. For these reasons, they earn an F—a grade that reflects not just their performance, but their betrayal of our expectations.

So, as we move on to rank the other teams, let this serve as a cautionary tale. The Crows have set the bar for failure, and it will take a Herculean effort for any team to match their level of underachievement.

Looking ahead to 2025, Adelaide has a chance to step up and demand respect from the footy community. Their pass mark? Making it to the finals—nothing less. Falling short would mean perpetuating mediocrity. With anticipated off-season acquisitions, we’re optimistic that the Crows should secure a spot in the 5-8 range.”
Click to expand...
Good call on the 'we need to reset' bs. Floundering and lost come to mind. And they have done a real good bullying job on Rachele who may never be the same, meanwhile Ginnivan gets away with losing a premiership.
 
JHF1870 said:
The dust has settled, the goals kicked, and the siren has sounded. But fear not, footy fanatics—our work is just beginning. Welcome to the annual JHF1870 team reviews, where we dissect the highs, lows, and questionable haircuts of the AFL season.

No sacred cows here. Whether your team hoisted the premiership cup or spent more time tripping over their own shoelaces than marking the ball, we’ve got something to say. And yes, even the reigning premiers will feel the gentle sting of our wit.

So grab your scarves, your sense of humor, and maybe a stiff drink (or three). Because as we dive into the rankings, remember: We’re not biased; we’re just right.

And now, for the countdown:

“The 2024 AFL Rankings: Underachievers, Incompetence, and the Art of Disrespect”

Friends, foes, and bewildered umpires, gather 'round! It’s time to unveil our brutally honest rankings. We promise no sugar-coating, no participation ribbons, and definitely no sympathy for that one team that thought ‘handball’ meant ‘throw it like a frisbee.’

Did your team underperform? Did they execute a game plan so baffling that even the pigeons on the goalposts scratched their heads? Well, strap in, because we’re about to dissect it all.

And if you disagree with our assessments? Well, let’s just say we’ve got a bridge to sell you in the Outback.

Click to expand...
Ok, we're ready for 17. Is it Norf or WC?
 
My favourite type of pop-up sprinklers are the ones that come in and post bullshit freds that ain’t nobody got time to read.

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Aristotle Pickett said:
I doubt we finish that low with 6 of the countries best 18yo's plus a fit Tom Lynch.
Click to expand...

Tom Lynch's foot is cactus. He won't play again. He is just Million Dollar a season vacuum cleaner from Richmond's salary cap these days.
 
in 17th we have The Melbourne Demons

F

1727768739157.jpeg
While building a total of 11 wins for the season we can't help but feel like Melbourne were perhaps one of the most disappointing and underachieving teams of 2024: and it didn't have to end like this.

“Eviscerating the Demons: Melbourne’s Cataclysmic 2024 Plunge”

In the murky depths of the AFL rankings, nestled comfortably between “Oh, dear” and “What were they thinking?” lies the Melbourne Demons. Once the darlings of the footy world, they’ve executed a graceful swan dive into mediocrity, leaving spectators with more questions than a cryptic crossword.

The 2021 Mirage

Remember when the Demons danced through the 2021 season like Fred Astaire on a caffeine high? Their feel-good story had more twists than a pretzel factory. But alas, the sequel—2024—felt like a B-grade horror flick. The plot? A gradual decline that’d make the stock market wince. Red flags flapped in the breeze like disgruntled seagulls.

Off-Field Dramas

Melbourne’s off-field escapades could fill a Shakespearean tragedy. Joel Smith and Clayton Oliver—two names synonymous with “Oops, we did it again”—led the charge. Ill discipline? Check. Poor fitness? Nathan Buckley raised an eyebrow higher than a giraffe on stilts. And the culture? It’s like they hired a motivational speaker who moonlights as a dodo bird.

The Accountability Vacuum

As we ascend the organizational ladder, accountability thins out faster than a diet cola at a kids’ party. The Demons had a golden opportunity in 2024—to address red flags, prune the deadwood, and emerge like a phoenix with better hair. Instead, they slid downhill like a rockslide in a monsoon. Slow, inevitable, and destined for a soggy landing.

Petracca’s Birthday Bash

On the King’s Birthday, Christian Petracca found himself in a precarious position—an internal injury that left him clutching his side like a man who’d just discovered his favourite coffee shop ran out of almond milk. But what stung more than a thousand bee stings? The lack of awareness and leadership from those who should’ve rallied around him.

Imagine the scene: Petracca writhing in pain, the stadium lights casting shadows on his grimacing face. And where were the higher-ups—the medical staff, the coaches, the club leadership? Playing hide-and-seek in a foggy forest, apparently. Accountability? About as evident as a chameleon at a kaleidoscope convention.

The Demons needed more than bandages and ice packs; they needed empathy, urgency, and a genuine concern for their star player’s well-being. When your key asset’s insides are rearranging themselves, you don’t just send thoughts and prayers; you send medical experts, a reassuring pat on the back, and a heartfelt “Mate, we’ve got you.”

Charting a Course for Redemption: Melbourne’s 2025 Pass Mark

As the sun rises on a new footy season, the Demons find themselves at a crossroads. The ghosts of 2024 linger, but so does the promise of renewal. What’s the pass mark for Melbourne going forward? Simple: finals—nothing less. It’s time to shed the mediocrity cloak and stride confidently into the spotlight.

We expect them to address those red flags—the organizational quagmires, the accountability vacuum, and the occasional spleen-related mishap. The higher-ups need to step up (pun intended), players need to find their groove, and the culture needs a makeover.

So here’s our prediction: With renewed focus, a dash of resilience, and maybe a lucky rabbit’s foot, the Demons will finish in the 5-8 region. Not premiers, not wooden spooners—just a team finding its rhythm, chasing the elusive finals berth, and reminding us all that footy is as capricious as a weather vane in a cyclone.
 
JHF1870 said:
in 17th we have The Melbourne Demons

F

View attachment 2128275
While building a total of 11 wins for the season we can't help but feel like Melbourne were perhaps one of the most disappointing and underachieving teams of 2024: and it didn't have to end like this.

“Eviscerating the Demons: Melbourne’s Cataclysmic 2024 Plunge”

In the murky depths of the AFL rankings, nestled comfortably between “Oh, dear” and “What were they thinking?” lies the Melbourne Demons. Once the darlings of the footy world, they’ve executed a graceful swan dive into mediocrity, leaving spectators with more questions than a cryptic crossword.

The 2021 Mirage

Remember when the Demons danced through the 2021 season like Fred Astaire on a caffeine high? Their feel-good story had more twists than a pretzel factory. But alas, the sequel—2024—felt like a B-grade horror flick. The plot? A gradual decline that’d make the stock market wince. Red flags flapped in the breeze like disgruntled seagulls.

Off-Field Dramas

Melbourne’s off-field escapades could fill a Shakespearean tragedy. Joel Smith and Clayton Oliver—two names synonymous with “Oops, we did it again”—led the charge. Ill discipline? Check. Poor fitness? Nathan Buckley raised an eyebrow higher than a giraffe on stilts. And the culture? It’s like they hired a motivational speaker who moonlights as a dodo bird.

The Accountability Vacuum

As we ascend the organizational ladder, accountability thins out faster than a diet cola at a kids’ party. The Demons had a golden opportunity in 2024—to address red flags, prune the deadwood, and emerge like a phoenix with better hair. Instead, they slid downhill like a rockslide in a monsoon. Slow, inevitable, and destined for a soggy landing.

Petracca’s Birthday Bash

On the King’s Birthday, Christian Petracca found himself in a precarious position—an internal injury that left him clutching his side like a man who’d just discovered his favourite coffee shop ran out of almond milk. But what stung more than a thousand bee stings? The lack of awareness and leadership from those who should’ve rallied around him.

Imagine the scene: Petracca writhing in pain, the stadium lights casting shadows on his grimacing face. And where were the higher-ups—the medical staff, the coaches, the club leadership? Playing hide-and-seek in a foggy forest, apparently. Accountability? About as evident as a chameleon at a kaleidoscope convention.

The Demons needed more than bandages and ice packs; they needed empathy, urgency, and a genuine concern for their star player’s well-being. When your key asset’s insides are rearranging themselves, you don’t just send thoughts and prayers; you send medical experts, a reassuring pat on the back, and a heartfelt “Mate, we’ve got you.”

Charting a Course for Redemption: Melbourne’s 2025 Pass Mark

As the sun rises on a new footy season, the Demons find themselves at a crossroads. The ghosts of 2024 linger, but so does the promise of renewal. What’s the pass mark for Melbourne going forward? Simple: finals—nothing less. It’s time to shed the mediocrity cloak and stride confidently into the spotlight.

We expect them to address those red flags—the organizational quagmires, the accountability vacuum, and the occasional spleen-related mishap. The higher-ups need to step up (pun intended), players need to find their groove, and the culture needs a makeover.

So here’s our prediction: With renewed focus, a dash of resilience, and maybe a lucky rabbit’s foot, the Demons will finish in the 5-8 region. Not premiers, not wooden spooners—just a team finding its rhythm, chasing the elusive finals berth, and reminding us all that footy is as capricious as a weather vane in a cyclone.
Click to expand...

Thoughts MAXIMUM GRUNDAGE Dee Train LightTower4 ?
 
Last edited:

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JHF1870’s Unfiltered 2024 Team Reviews: Where Honesty Meets Hilarity

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