JHF1870’s Unfiltered 2024 Team Reviews: Where Honesty Meets Hilarity

[Triggering Tiger]

15th: Richmond Tigers

View attachment 2130657
D-

Roaring Disappointment: The Richmond Tigers’ 2024 Saga
Ah, the Richmond Tigers—a team that once soared like a caffeinated eagle, only to crash-land in a field of mediocrity. Their tale is a symphony of missed opportunities, dashed dreams, and more twists than a pretzel at a yoga retreat.

The Rise and the Relapse​

Remember when Richmond burst forth in 2017, strutting like a peacock with a new feather boa? “We’re here!” they declared, louder than a foghorn at a library. But fast-forward to 2024, and the Tigers resemble a deflated balloon at a party no one remembers. The meteoric rise? It’s now a distant constellation, and the old Richmond—the one we secretly loved to mock—has returned. And honestly, we’re relieved.

Subpar Performances: A Tragicomedy​

Under their new coach (who, let’s face it, might have been plucked from a hat labeled “Desperate Measures”), Richmond peddled the idea of regrouping. But as the great philosopher once mused, “They had a good run.” Two wins—one against Sydney (a cosmic anomaly) and another against the Adelaide Crows (who, let’s be honest, are about as soulless as a spreadsheet). “Honorable Losses” became their specialty, like a baker who excels at burnt croissants. And those heavy defeats? Well, they hit harder than a freight train made of anvils.

The System That Went AWOL​

Richmond’s failure isn’t just a one-season fluke; it’s a sonnet of systemic shortcomings. They forgot to build a longevity machine, a contraption that would keep them in the contender conversation. Meanwhile, Geelong sips champagne in their penthouse suite, laughing at Richmond’s DIY cardboard fort.

Exodus, Stars, and Struggles​

As the season curtain falls, the Tigers face a mass exodus. Their greatest star? Gone, like a magician’s rabbit into the hat of retirement. And that high-profile forward? Well, they’re more elusive than a unicorn at a hide-and-seek championship.

The Long and Winding Road Ahead​

Optimism? Sure, we’ve got some stashed away, like emergency chocolate in a desk drawer. But truth be told, it’s a long road ahead. We squint into the future, and it looks like a blurry painting by a nearsighted artist. Can we see them winning a game next season? Not without a telescope. Years from now, the once-mighty Tigers might rise again, but for now, they’re hibernating like grumpy bears.

Bottom Dwelling in 2025? Highly Likely​

Let’s not kid ourselves. The Tigers might need a treasure map to find their way out of the cellar next year. But hey, every phoenix needs a nap before it bursts into flames again.

Win a flag then get back to us 1 cup.

 

[Saveloy Rockstar]

^Gets elevated from 18th to 15th - still melts

 

[FISTO]

Win a flag then get back to us 1 cup.

Nice McMelt

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

15th: Richmond Tigers

View attachment 2130657
D-

Roaring Disappointment: The Richmond Tigers’ 2024 Saga
Ah, the Richmond Tigers—a team that once soared like a caffeinated eagle, only to crash-land in a field of mediocrity. Their tale is a symphony of missed opportunities, dashed dreams, and more twists than a pretzel at a yoga retreat.

The Rise and the Relapse​

Remember when Richmond burst forth in 2017, strutting like a peacock with a new feather boa? “We’re here!” they declared, louder than a foghorn at a library. But fast-forward to 2024, and the Tigers resemble a deflated balloon at a party no one remembers. The meteoric rise? It’s now a distant constellation, and the old Richmond—the one we secretly loved to mock—has returned. And honestly, we’re relieved.

Subpar Performances: A Tragicomedy​

Under their new coach (who, let’s face it, might have been plucked from a hat labeled “Desperate Measures”), Richmond peddled the idea of regrouping. But as the great philosopher once mused, “They had a good run.” Two wins—one against Sydney (a cosmic anomaly) and another against the Adelaide Crows (who, let’s be honest, are about as soulless as a spreadsheet). “Honorable Losses” became their specialty, like a baker who excels at burnt croissants. And those heavy defeats? Well, they hit harder than a freight train made of anvils.

The System That Went AWOL​

Richmond’s failure isn’t just a one-season fluke; it’s a sonnet of systemic shortcomings. They forgot to build a longevity machine, a contraption that would keep them in the contender conversation. Meanwhile, Geelong sips champagne in their penthouse suite, laughing at Richmond’s DIY cardboard fort.

Exodus, Stars, and Struggles​

As the season curtain falls, the Tigers face a mass exodus. Their greatest star? Gone, like a magician’s rabbit into the hat of retirement. And that high-profile forward? Well, they’re more elusive than a unicorn at a hide-and-seek championship.

The Long and Winding Road Ahead​

Optimism? Sure, we’ve got some stashed away, like emergency chocolate in a desk drawer. But truth be told, it’s a long road ahead. We squint into the future, and it looks like a blurry painting by a nearsighted artist. Can we see them winning a game next season? Not without a telescope. Years from now, the once-mighty Tigers might rise again, but for now, they’re hibernating like grumpy bears.

Bottom Dwelling in 2025? Highly Likely​

Let’s not kid ourselves. The Tigers might need a treasure map to find their way out of the cellar next year. But hey, every phoenix needs a nap before it bursts into flames again.

Your best work yet ! Bravo

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

Win a flag then get back to us 1 cup.

 

[springvale_mackers]

Shutup dh. Your Lebanon vs Israel thread was the most crass, undignified , offensive loads of codswallop ever seen on bigfooty.

 

[Triggering Tiger]

Nice McMelt

Welcome to the list, toodles floggo

 

[JHF1870]

14th North Melbourne Kangaroos

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North Melbourne: From Train Wrecks to Shinboner Resilience

Ah, North Melbourne—the Kangaroos, the Shinboners, the team that’s been through more ups and downs than a yo-yo on a caffeine binge. They didn’t exactly set the house on fire in 2024, but they didn’t burn it down either. Let’s dissect their season like a curious scientist with a penchant for euphemisms.

The Train Wreck Chronicles​

Picture this: The first half of North’s season was like watching a slow-motion train wreck—metal grinding against metal, sparks flying, and passengers clutching their hearts. Heavy losses piled up like unpaid bills, and we wondered if they’d accidentally boarded the “Express to Oblivion.” Had it not been for their gradual improvement, we’d have slapped them with the “Worst Team” label faster than a kangaroo hops across an estuary.

Clarko Drama and Talent Drought​

Off-field dramas swirled like a tempest in a teapot. Clarko—the enigmatic coach with more plot twists than a mystery novel—added intrigue. Poor trading decisions left fans scratching their heads, and the depth chart resembled a kiddie pool. Maturity? About as present as a unicorn at a dog show. And attracting the right talent? Well, that seemed as elusive as a leprechaun’s pot of gold.

Shinboner Spirit: Rise from the Ashes​

But wait! After the mid-season break, North found their mojo—the legendary “Shinboner Spirit.” They notched up a gutsy win that would’ve made Glenn Archer nod approvingly. Five respectable matches followed, like a string of pearls on a frayed necklace. Sure, they faded late in the season, but facing finals-bound sides hungry for percentage was like wrestling crocodiles in a swamp.

Underachievers with a Dash of Ice Bath​

Now, let’s talk underachievement. North should’ve been sipping from the cup of 5-6 wins, garnished with honorable losses. Instead, they served mediocrity soup with a side of “Oops, we did it again.” But credit where it’s due: They put their heads down, ignored the media circus (thanks, David King and Montagna), and committed players despite the “leaving” headlines. The implosion of Mebourne was the gift that kept giving. Still, they’re missing a hard-nosed midfielder who kicks confidently on both legs—a rare breed, like a unicorn with a PhD. His kicks hit targets like hypersonic missiles, and his ice baths? Well, they’re more refreshing than a mountain stream after a marathon.

Resigned Players and Mature Inroads​

As the season curtain falls, North’s future flickers like a distant lighthouse. They’ve re-signed their warriors, like knights pledging loyalty to Camelot. And recruiting mature players? It’s like adding seasoned spices to a bland stew.

Onto 2025, their pass mark is ambitious at 7 wins and a competitive streak—like aiming for the moon and landing among the stars. But going beyond 7? That’d be the ‘Feel Good’ story of the year, like finding a lost puppy and teaching it to fetch hope.

 

[frggr]

That'll be Tel Aviv by the end to the year.

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

That'll be Tel Aviv by the end to the year.

In'Shall'Ah

 

[springvale_mackers]

That'll be Tel Aviv by the end to the year.

 

[Saveloy Rockstar]

That'll be Tel Aviv by the end to the year.

Was the TA Dolphinareum in 2001

In'Shall'Ah

Bit harsh… are you starting your jihad again?

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

Was the TA Dolphinareum in 2001




Bit harsh… are you starting your jihad again?

Not at all, just passing on an innocuous holy blessing that's all

 

[Triggering Tiger]

Was the TA Dolphinareum in 2001




Bit harsh… are you starting your jihad again?

Watch out he's very sensitive and might mash for writing that word.

 

[Saveloy Rockstar]

Not at all, just passing on an innocuous holy blessing that's all

Bullshit. You said Allah willing, Tel Aviv will be destroyed by the end of the year


And you reckon TT should be thread banned

 

[frggr]

Watch out he's very sensitive and might mash for writing that word.

McIrony

 

[Stronzo]

A pretzel at a yoga retreat?

 

[JHF1870]

Ok, so I've returned from my getaway on the Fleurieu Peninsula giving me time to move on from the disappointing season. I ran into Willem Drew

28

Willem Drew

Age

26

Ht

188cm

Wt

86kg

Pos.

Mid

Career

Season

Last 5

D

15.9

4star

K

7.2

3star

HB

8.7

5star

M

2.2

2star

T

5.6

5star

CL

2.3

4star

No current season stats available

D

18.0

5star

K

9.2

4star

HB

8.8

5star

M

3.0

3star

T

4.2

5star

CL

2.8

5star

on my adventure, who's the kind of guy that goes unnoticed and I bet he likes it that way, but you just know he rocks up and does his job and that's why I like him.

Anyway, back to the review and I'm about to launch on this one. I'll give you time to anticipate what's coming.

 

[JHF1870]

Gold Coast White Dwarfs: A Cosmic Collapse​

D

“White Dwarfs or Black Holes? Gold Coast Suns’ Stellar Disappointment”
If ever there was a team that moonwalked away from expectations, it’s the Gold Coast Suns—a celestial ensemble that’s more White Dwarf than supernova. Fourteen seasons in, and they’ve racked up as many finals appearances as a hermit crab at a disco: zero. We might’ve cut them some slack if they’d at least hit 9th or 10th, but nope—12th was their pièce de résistance. They’ve promised us the moon, the stars, and maybe even a cosmic latte, but what have they delivered? More than a black hole devours light).

Talent, Thy Name Is Immaturity​

Picture this: A midfield constellation that could outshine the Milky Way. Noah Anderson

15

Noah Anderson

Age

23

Ht

192cm

Wt

88kg

Pos.

Mid

Career

Season

Last 5

D

12.0

3star

K

6.0

2star

HB

6.0

4star

M

2.0

2star

T

0.0

1star

CL

0.0

1star

D

12.0

3star

K

6.0

2star

HB

6.0

3star

M

2.0

2star

T

0.0

1star

CL

0.0

1star

D

12.0

3star

K

6.0

3star

HB

6.0

4star

M

2.0

3star

T

0.0

1star

CL

0.0

1star

and Matt Rowell

18

Matt Rowell

Age

23

Ht

180cm

Wt

82kg

Pos.

Mid

Career

Season

Last 5

D

17.4

4star

K

7.6

3star

HB

9.8

5star

M

0.8

1star

T

5.2

5star

CL

3.8

5star

D

17.4

4star

K

7.6

3star

HB

9.8

5star

M

0.8

1star

T

5.2

5star

CL

3.8

5star

D

17.4

5star

K

7.6

3star

HB

9.8

5star

M

0.8

1star

T

5.2

5star

CL

3.8

5star

—the twin quasars of promise. A million-dollar defender who single-handedly dismantled the Bombers, like a rogue asteroid on a collision course. Ben King

34

Ben King

Age

24

Ht

202cm

Wt

98kg

Pos.

Fwd

Career

Season

Last 5

D

7.2

2star

K

5.0

2star

HB

2.2

2star

M

3.5

4star

T

0.5

3star

G

1.3

5star

D

7.5

2star

K

5.6

2star

HB

1.9

1star

M

3.6

4star

T

0.3

1star

G

1.5

5star

D

6.8

2star

K

4.4

2star

HB

2.4

3star

M

3.2

4star

T

0.2

3star

G

1.0

4star

and Bailey Humphrey—the binary stars of forward dynamism. Yet, after 14 cosmic cycles, their best offering is a 13th-place finish. It’s like having a Ferrari with a learner’s permit.

Damien Hardwick’s Cosmic Rant​

Is Damien Hardwick about to enter a black hole of frustration? His public outburst—“Grow the **** up!”—echoed across the galaxy. Maybe he’s onto something. These Suns lack maturity and accountability, especially when they venture beyond their home nebula. Being an AFL footballer is tough, sure, but at some point, they need to shed their cosmic training wheels. Dimma, our interstellar sage, might just reinvent himself among these young stardust sprites. How? By enjoying the journey, cracking a cosmic smile, and realizing that footy isn’t just about results—it’s about riding the comet tail.

The Suns’ Mantra: Lost in Space​

What do the Suns stand for? Their mantra? Frankly, we’re lost in a cosmic fog. Have they shown us anything in 14 seasons? It’s like deciphering alien hieroglyphs. But wait! There was one fleeting moment in 2024—a shooting star named Mac Andrew. His game-winning heroics shot down the Bombers, but alas, it was like rearranging deck chairs on the Event Horizon. ONE moment to love in a cosmic sea of mediocrity.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in Guernseys​

At home, the Suns are like Dr Jekyll—beating nearly anyone, their solar flares blinding opponents. But away? They morph into Mr Hyde—feared by none, their energy waning like a dying quasar. Even their stars—those celestial luminaries—aren’t running on full cylinders. How can a team perform at warp speed on their home deck but wilt away like a fading flower in interstellar drift? Perhaps they’ve been binge-watching the Lions’ premiership on repeat, hoping to catch the cosmic bug. Late September? It’s like a distant galaxy they’ve only glimpsed through a telescope.

The Cosmic Reckoning​

We’re disappointed, Suns. Your talent? A cosmic smorgasbord. Your coach? A proven premiership navigator. But belief and commitment? They’re like dark matter—invisible yet essential. No excuses in 2025. Failure? It’ll reveal problems deeper than a black hole’s gravity. So, Gold Coast, grow the **** up. Finish in the 6-8 region, or prepare for a meteor shower of criticism. The universe awaits your next move.

 

[Elmer_Hauser]

Gold Coast White Dwarfs: A Cosmic Collapse​

D

Headline: “White Dwarfs or Black Holes? Gold Coast Suns’ Stellar Disappointment”
If ever there was a team that moonwalked away from expectations, it’s the Gold Coast Suns—a celestial ensemble that’s more White Dwarf than supernova. Fourteen seasons in, and they’ve racked up as many finals appearances as a hermit crab at a disco: zero. We might’ve cut them some slack if they’d at least hit 9th or 10th, but nope—12th was their pièce de résistance. They’ve promised us the moon, the stars, and maybe even a cosmic latte, but what have they delivered? More than a black hole devours light).

Talent, Thy Name Is Immaturity​

Picture this: A midfield constellation that could outshine the Milky Way. Noah Anderson and Matt Rowell—the twin quasars of promise. A million-dollar defender who single-handedly dismantled the Bombers, like a rogue asteroid on a collision course. Ben King and Bailey Humphrey—the binary stars of forward dynamism. Yet, after 14 cosmic cycles, their best offering is a 13th-place finish. It’s like having a Ferrari with a learner’s permit.

Damien Hardwick’s Cosmic Rant​

Is Damien Hardwick about to enter a black hole of frustration? His public outburst—“Grow the **** up!”—echoed across the galaxy. Maybe he’s onto something. These Suns lack maturity and accountability, especially when they venture beyond their home nebula. Being an AFL footballer is tough, sure, but at some point, they need to shed their cosmic training wheels. Dimma, our interstellar sage, might just reinvent himself among these young stardust sprites. How? By enjoying the journey, cracking a cosmic smile, and realizing that footy isn’t just about results—it’s about riding the comet tail.

The Suns’ Mantra: Lost in Space​

What do the Suns stand for? Their mantra? Frankly, we’re lost in a cosmic fog. Have they shown us anything in 14 seasons? It’s like deciphering alien hieroglyphs. But wait! There was one fleeting moment in 2024—a shooting star named Mac Andrew. His game-winning heroics shot down the Bombers, but alas, it was like rearranging deck chairs on the Event Horizon. ONE moment to love in a cosmic sea of mediocrity.

Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde in Guernseys​

At home, the Suns are like Dr Jekyll—beating nearly anyone, their solar flares blinding opponents. But away? They morph into Mr Hyde—feared by none, their energy waning like a dying quasar. Even their stars—those celestial luminaries—aren’t running on full cylinders. How can a team perform at warp speed on their home deck but wilt away like a fading flower in interstellar drift? Perhaps they’ve been binge-watching the Lions’ premiership on repeat, hoping to catch the cosmic bug. Late September? It’s like a distant galaxy they’ve only glimpsed through a telescope.

The Cosmic Reckoning​

We’re disappointed, Suns. Your talent? A cosmic smorgasbord. Your coach? A proven premiership navigator. But belief and commitment? They’re like dark matter—invisible yet essential. No excuses in 2025. Failure? It’ll reveal problems deeper than a black hole’s gravity. So, Gold Coast, grow the **** up. Finish in the 6-8 region, or prepare for a meteor shower of criticism. The universe awaits your next move.

Bay Thread of the Year without question.

Worthy of the best of Mofra !!!