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FredLeDeux said:
I have been chugging through it and am into Book 8 of the 10 books. The ereader says that's about 67%. It's very very long, 11,000+ pages. It's very good, but very complicated, especially early on (it is actually a lot easier if you read the Wiki entry first, which I didn't do - it makes it easier to understand some of the basic concepts, but doesn't really give any plot away). It's more enjoyable as it gets further along.

I have, since our earlier discussion, been catching up on my long backlog of fantasy series, and decided to tackle this one because most lists have it in the top 2 or 3.

Weeks is on the list. :p
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Oh boy! :(
Maybe I should leave that series alone, then, until I have a spare year or three?
 
Saw this on FB and thought it was hilarious....

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50 Shades of Frankston


As I stood in line at CENTRELINK thinking up reasons why I couldn’t work a sweet smell drifted past my pig-like nostrils.


It was a mixture of weed, sweat and Lynx Africa. I turned and there he was, Shayne, with his pants half way down his arse. Our eyes met and, even though he only had one tattoo, I yearned for him to fill the lonely hours between Dr Phil and Days Of Our Lives.


As he approached me with his pasty white arms hanging out of a Nike vest, his smile told me it was dole day and I knew my velour track suit would be hanging off the lampshade tonight.


But we couldnt wait for the night....oh my...he was soon lifting me onto the wheelie bins behind Woolies. He had already tied his staffy to a post in the alleyway so that we would not be disturbed. There was a tramp watching but it did not bother us, just added to the mystery.


I knew then that this was love and my life would never be the same again. I made a promise to him there and then that I would buy him a plasma with the baby bonus.
 
Teriyakicat said:
ChookNorris
Just so's we don't derail that VFL thread with dyslexic jokes, I thought I'd drag you in here to continue them. :)
Fire away.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.

"I've got the big C,"he said.

"What, cancer?"

"No, dyslexia."
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Hahah fantastic
 
The inventor of acronyms died today.
RIP
*****************
The inventor of anagrams died today.
IPR.
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My granddad died yesterday, but he had a good innings.
Well, until the cricket ball hit him.
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"My guide dog's got no nose"
"Oh really? How does he smell then?"
"Who said that?"
*****************
If a comet hadn't wiped out the dinosaurs, humans might have evolved from lizards instead.
Which turns my blood cold.
 
The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE. God is watching.'

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples...'
 

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A small group of old women at a retirement home are talking when one asks to borrow another's umbrella so she can go outside and smoke. One of the other women in the group explains that she buys condoms, cuts the tips off and puts them over the cigarettes to keep them dry in the rain.

The old woman thought this was a great idea and went to the store the next day to buy a box of condoms. The man at the pharmacy didn't know rather to be impressed or disgusted that a woman of her age was still having sex, but he proceeds to ask her what size she needs. The old woman replies, "Big enough to fit a Camel."
 
In a little Southern town there were two churches: A Methodist Church and a Baptist Church. Since the town was poor, they couldn't afford to pay their ministers very much or provide them with cars, but each church did provide their minister with a bicycle for doing their rounds and visiting sick Church members. And every Friday afternoon, the two ministers would ride their bikes out to a park where they would eat lunch and discuss their plans for Sunday's sermons.

One Friday the Baptist minister showed up on foot. The Methodist minister said, "Brother, where is your bicycle?" And the Baptist minister shook his head and said, "I'm sad to say it, but I believe a member of my congregation has stolen my bicycle."

The Methodist minister was appalled. "That's terrible! But I'll tell you how to get your bicycle back! This Sunday, you to preach about the Ten Commandments, and when you get to 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' I want you to lay into it. Make them feel the fire and smell the brimstone! Bear down on 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' and whoever stole your bicycle will feel ashamed and bring it back to you!"

The next Friday the Baptist minister rode up on his bicycle again.

"Praise the Lord!" the Methodist exclaimed. "Did you you do what I told you? Did you preach on the Ten Commandments, and did you lay into 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' until the thief was ashamed and returned your bicycle?"

"Well, not exactly."

"Not exactly? Well, what happened."

"Well, I did preach on the Ten Commandments," the Baptist minister said, "But when I got to 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I suddenly remembered where I left my bicycle."
 
A guy was driving around when he saw a sign in front of a house, 'Talking Dog for Sale.' He stopped and rang the bell and the owner told him the dog was in the backyard. The guy went into the backyard and saw a Labrador sitting there.

'Do you talk?' he asked the dog.

'Yes,' the Lab replied.

'So, what's the story?'

The Lab looked up and said, 'Well…… I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help my country, so I told the police about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. .. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.' 'But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy was amazed. He goes back in and asked the owner what he wanted for the dog. 'Ten bucks.' the man said.

'Ten bucks? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?'

'Cos he's a liar…. he never did any of that shit!'
 
Back in the days of the wild west, a cowboy is riding across the country. He stops for an evening at a farm, as the farmer is gracious enough to offer him a room for the night. Unbeknownst to the farmer, the cowboy is a gifted ventriloquist. The cowboy/ventriloquist decides to have a little fun with the farmer.

"Hey" he asks the farmer, "do you mind if I have a chat with your dog?"

"Well be my guest" the farmer smirks. "But dogs can't talk, ya know..."

"Hey dawg, what do you think of mr Brown here?" the cowboy asks.

"Aww... I can't complain. He is super nice. I get lots to eat, get to sleep indoors... Mr Brown is a great guy!"

The farmer looks in amazement. "I aint never heard him talk before!"

A littel while later, the cowboy says "so, do you mind if I talk to your horse?"

"Ummm...." the farmer replies. "Sure, but... uh... horses can't talk. Right?"

The cowboy interrogates the horse.

"Oh, Mr Brown?" The horse replies. "He is a fair man. He doesn't work me too hard. He mucks out my stall all the time, brushes me down. He's a good man."

The farmer is amazed and shocked.

A little while later, the cowboy asks "Hey Mr Brown, is it ok with you if I talk to your sheep?"

The farmer replies quickly "NO! Them sheep are nothin but liars!!!"
 
The seven dwarfs were in a Catholic church. They were sitting near the rear and as the priest was speaking, they whispered and giggled amongst themselves, causing quite a disturbance. All of a sudden, Dopey stands up and says, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the church ?" "No," said the priest, "There are no midget nuns in the church." A little time passed and the dwarfs were again whispering and giggling amongst themselves causing quite a disturbance and noticeably angering the priest.

Soon, Dopey stands up again and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in the city?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the city or in the church." says the priest. Again the dwarfs resume their annoying giggling to the dismay of the priest.

Once again, Dopey stands up and asks "Father, are there any midget nuns in the state?"

"No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the state, in the city, and no midget nuns in the church." exclaimed the priest, obviously upset.

The dwarfs continue their interference.

Dopey stands up and asks, "Father, are there any midget nuns in thecountry?"

The priest, totally angered, exclaims "No, my son, there are no midget nuns in the church, in the city, in the state, no midget nuns in the country, there are no midget nuns in the whole world!!! Now sit down!!!!!"

Soon afterwards, a chant can be heard from the rear of the church, "Dopey f***ed a penguin. Dopey f***ed a penguin."
 
The German controllers at Frankfurt Airport were a short-tempered lot. They not only expected you to know your parking location but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground and a British Airways 747 (radio call Speedbird 206) after landing.

Speedbird 206: "Good morning Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of the active."

Ground: "Good Morning, taxi to your gate." The British Airways 747 pulls onto the main taxiway and stops.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, ground, I'm looking up the gate location now."

Ground impatiently: "Speedbird 206, have you never flown to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 coolly: "Yes, in 1944. But I didn't stop".
 
A guy walks into a bar with an octopus under his arm. He sets the octopus on a stool next to him and announces: "This is an amazing octopus. I'll bet anyone in this bar $50 that this octopus can play any instrument set in front of it."

None of the people could believe this, so one guy brought up a guitar. The octopus took hold of the guitar and started picking away, better than Jimi Hendrix. The man took $50 from the guitarist. Next someone brings up a trumpet. The octopus started playing the trumpet, better than Dizee Gillespie. The man won another $50 from the trumpeter. Then some guy brought up some bagpipes. The octopus picked up the bagpipes for a minute and, looking a little puzzled, set them down again.

"Can't you play the bagpipes?" asked the man. "Play it?" said the octopus, "I'm gonna f**k it as soon as I figure out how to get its pyjamas off."
 
I had another argument with my wife about her weight.
Apparently it wasn't her blocking my phone signal, I had just run out of credit.


I got caught having a piss in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loudly I nearly fell in.
 
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He was afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the car park, I realized he was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:…………."I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?” he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent………. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, …. "I will, as soon as I convince this police officer that I didn't steal your damn car!"
 
Serge was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.

'Thirty bucks,' she whispers.

Serge had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only thirty bucks.
So they hid in the bushes.

They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is the cops.

'What's going on here, people?' asks the cop.

'I'm making love to me wife,' Serge answers sounding annoyed.

'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.'

'Well, neither did I, till ya shined that bloody light in her face!'
 
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