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Me and my mate were sitting on a park bench one morning.

My mate had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath.

I was amazed at his stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

My mate said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home i stopped at the bakery.

As i was looking around, the saleslady asked if i needed any help.

I said, "Do you have any rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

I said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

I replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this shit but me."
 
abet said:
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the car park. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He was afraid that the car could be stolen.
As I looked around the car park, I realized he was right. The car park was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:…………."I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.
"Are you kidding me?” he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent………. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

He retorted, …. "I will, as soon as I convince this police officer that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Click to expand...
:oops:
I've lost my car a few times... :oops:
 
Sometimes i have trouble with my computer.

Yesterday, I had a problem, so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.

Georgie clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong?

He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

Georgie grinned..'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?

'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.'

So I wrote it down:

ID10T

I used to like Georgie, the little ****ing shithead.
 

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Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard).

“Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence.

Jane, you go first...”

“Dough, D O U G H. Italians make pizza with dough.”

“Very good, Jane. now let's hear from Mary.”

“Dough, D O U G H. My brother makes things with play dough.”

“Very good Mary, now Johnny do you have something constructive to add?”

“My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!”
 
abet said:
Little Johnny! (Bless the little bastard).

“Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence.

Jane, you go first...”

“Dough, D O U G H. Italians make pizza with dough.”

“Very good, Jane. now let's hear from Mary.”

“Dough, D O U G H. My brother makes things with play dough.”

“Very good Mary, now Johnny do you have something constructive to add?”

“My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough!”
Click to expand...
I love Little Johnny jokes, abet! :D
 
HEALTH TALK- especially for you, Hell Kitty!


Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it . Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart
will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork
chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable slop.


Q: Is beer or wine bad for me?

A: Look, it goes to the earlier point about fruits and vegetables. As we all know, scientists divide everything in the world into three categories:
animal, mineral, and vegetable. We all know that beer and wine are not animal, and they are not on the periodic table of elements, so that only leaves one thing, right? My advice: Have a burger and a beer and enjoy your liquid vegetables.


Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain. Good.


Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: You're not listening. Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


Q: What's the secret to healthy eating?

A: Thicker gravy.


Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! "It's the best feel-good food around!"

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. Have a cookie... flour is a veggie!
 
Here's a joke from abet who, unfortunately, can't be with us today. :(

Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Melbourne, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his arse.

'If you do not mind me saying,' stated the second, 'that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don't you take it out?'

‘I regret I cannot,' lamented the first Arab. ‘It is permanently stuck in my arse.'

‘I do not understand,' said the other.

The first Arab says, 'I was walking along Russell Street and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an Australian Flag attire with a white beard and Akubra hat came boiling out.

He said, 'I am Captain Aussie, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.'

I said, No shit?’
 
For centuries Hindu women have worn a dot (Tikka) on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in Canberra has recently revealed the true story.

When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:

A - Taxi licence in Adelaide.
B - Convenience store in Melbourne.
C - Service station in Perth.
D - Kebab shop in Brisbane.
E - Take away cafe in Sydney.

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to Telstra customers in Australia.
 

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A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.”

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.”

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.”

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

“Now take off my bra.”

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

“Now,” she said, “take off my panties.”

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said,

“If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
 
A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel for his audience, the lecturer asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands. "That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand. "Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" Three students raise their hands. "That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Ahmed raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern Muslim student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Ahmed, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Ahmed froze and with a look of horror said, “Ghost? Shit, from way back there I thought you said ‘Goat’!"
 
My blind date asked me about my hobbies.

"I play a little guitar," I told her.

"Ooo," she replied, "I love a man who plays guitar."

One minute later, she seemed less impressed when I serenaded her on my ukulele.
 

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