Lame Jokes Part 2

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A Italian man walked into a bank in Sydney and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going to Italy on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Italian man handed over the keys to his new Ferrari.

The car was parked on the street in front of the bank. The Italian man produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Italian man for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it.

Two weeks later, the Italian man returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07 in full.

The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.

While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000 when you are a millionaire?"

The Italian man smiled as he replied, "Well, where else in Sydney can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?
 
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"
 

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A woman walks into a bookshop and asks the guy at the counter if he could direct her to the self-help section.

He replies "But that would be defeating the purpose, wouldn't it?"
 
This is possibly my all time favorite joke.

A cowboy is walking through the desert when he come across a gate with a dog sitting next to it. As he tries to go through the gate the dog starts growling at him, he tries to go past, but the dog gets more vicious.
The cowboy thinks to himself "well, hes just doing his job" so he shoots the dog in the foot, and walks on.

Days later the cowboy is sitting in a salloon, just you know, chilling out. Then suddenly the doors open, and there is the dog. Their eyes meet from across the room, and the cowboy begins to reach for his gun. Before he can get to it though the dog quickly jumps him, and rips him apart in the middle of the salloon.

After this grousome encounter the barman says to the dog "whoa, what did you do that for, seems a bit rough".

The dog replies..

" I had to do it.. he shot mah paw.."

:p
 

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A hooded robber burst into a Texas bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door a brave Texas customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without a moment's hesitation. He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone else, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence. The robber yelled, "Well, did anyone else see my face?" There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly afraid to speak. Then one old man tentatively raised his hand and said, "My wife got a pretty good look at you."
 
Don't know if this was in the other thread or not but whatever:

A man walks into a bar followed by a dog with a damaged ear and a 1 foot tall man. He says to the bartender "if I show you something cool will you buy me a drink" the bartender agrees so the man motions the 1 foot man over to the corner where there's a piano and the tiny man plays a song for the audience in the bar. The bartender says "yeh thats pretty cool" and buys him a drink.

The man then asks a similar question "if I show you something really cool will you buy everyone in this bar a drink" again the bartender agrees. The man brings the dog forward and tells the bartender to "whisper anything in its ear and it will come true". The bartender proceeds to whisper something into the dogs damaged ear, moments later a million ducks start flying into the windows of the bar. The bartender stands up and shouts "I asked for a million bucks not a million ducks" the man replies "you think I asked for a 12 inch pianist".
 
A guy was helping his blonde girlfriend out with a computer problem she had. As she logged in he saw her enter her password as follows:

"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento."

"Why are you using such a long password?" he asked.

"You told me to!" she replied.

"What! I did?" he asked.

"Yes," she replied. "You said my password should be at least 8 characters long and include a capital.?
 
A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."
 
Bomber32 said:
A panda walks into a restaurant. He sits down and orders some food. The waiter brings the panda his meal. After he eats, when the waiter brings him the check, the panda takes out a gun and shoots him.

As the panda is leaving, the owner of the restaurant asks him, "Why did you shoot my waiter?" The panda replies, "I'm a panda. Look it up in the dictionary," and walks out.

The owner, now very confused, looks panda up in his dictionary. "Panda: A marsupial that lives in the mountains of China, eats shoots and leaves."
Click to expand...

Scary! Was thinking about this joke about 2 hours ago. Haven't heard or thought of it for months and months!
 
A man hears a knock on his door. He answers it; and there is a snail.

He looks around, then picks up the snail, looks at it and throws it as hard as he can.

Two months later, a knock on the door.

He opens it and there is the same snail.

It says, "What the hell was that about?"
 
A man walks up to a bar and asks "got any lamps?" The barman says "No. We're a bar, we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The next day the same man walks into the bar and asks the barman "got any lamps?" The barman says "no, I told you yesterday we are a bar and we don't sell lamps." The man walks out of the bar and goes home.

The man did this every day for a week until the barman said "Look! I'm getting really pissed off with you asking me if we sell lamps! We don't! If you ever ask me again I'm going to nail you to the wall!"

The next day the man walks into the bar and says "got any hammers?" The barman angrily shakes his head... "Good," the man says. "Got any lamps?"
 

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Lame Jokes Part 2

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