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- Mar 21, 2016
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AFLW 2024 - Round 10 - Chat, game threads, injury lists, team lineups and more.
Lame Jokes Part 2
- Thread starter Hard Ball Get
- Start date
- Tagged users None
- Banned
- #5,352
Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place is absolutely packed to the rafters.
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord..! Play a jazz chord..."
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
A bit miffed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
Well and truly miffed now that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart arse you get up here and do it..!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..!!'
In a bid to break the ice with his new audience he asks if anyone would like him to play a request.
A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a jazz chord..! Play a jazz chord..."
Amazed that this guy knows about Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for about 10 minutes.
When he finishes the whole place goes wild.
The little old man jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
A bit miffed by this, Stevie, being the professional that he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.
The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical expertise.
The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a jazz chord, play a jazz chord..."
Well and truly miffed now that this little guy doesn't seem to appreciate his playing ability Stevie says to him from the stage "OK smart arse you get up here and do it..!"
The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..!!'
Q: What are vegetables known as in math class?
A: Square roots.
A: Square roots.
- Banned
- #5,354
At Friday night services, Morris went to his friend Irving & said, "Irving, I need a favor – I'm sleeping with the rabbi's wife. Can you hold him in the temple for an hour after services for me?"
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious & asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt & remorse, confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now & asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said, "Irving, I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!"
Irving was not very fond of the idea, but being Morris' lifelong friend, he reluctantly agreed.
After services, he struck up a conversation with the rabbi asking him all sorts of stupid questions in an effort to keep him occupied.
After some time, the wise rabbi became suspicious & asked, "Irving what are you really up to with all this?"
Irving, filled with feelings of guilt & remorse, confessed to the rabbi, "I'm sorry, Rabbi, my friend Morris is sleeping with your wife right now & asked me to keep you occupied."
The wise rabbi smiled and, putting a brotherly hand on Irving's shoulder, said, "Irving, I think you'd better hurry home, my wife died two years ago!
"
- Banned
- #5,355
Two blokes are in hospital,laid in beds waiting to go into theatre...
One says to the other "What you in for..?"
The other replies "Endoscopy..."
"What's that then..?" the first bloke asks.
"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for..?" replies the second man.
"Camera up my arse..." says the first bloke.
"Do you mean a Colonoscopy..?" says the second bloke.
"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden..!"
One says to the other "What you in for..?"
The other replies "Endoscopy..."
"What's that then..?" the first bloke asks.
"They'll send a camera down my throat into my stomach and look for things like ulcers or even cancers, what you in for..?" replies the second man.
"Camera up my arse..." says the first bloke.
"Do you mean a Colonoscopy..?" says the second bloke.
"Nah", says the first bloke,"The missus caught me taking pictures of the next door neighbour sunbathing nude in her back garden..!"
- Banned
- #5,356
The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase. “What happened Paddy?” she asks anxiously.
“What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found?
Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation - She never got your email..
!”
“What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found?
Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable! The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!”
“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!” says his mother-in-law. “There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing!
There must be a simple explanation.
I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened.”
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. “Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation - She never got your email..
!”
Why was the stadium so cold?
Because there were a lot of fans.
Because there were a lot of fans.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Guardians of the Galaxy.
Why can't a bike stand up on it's own?
Because it's two tired.
Because it's two tired.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
Lunch is on me.
Have you ever watched the movie "Constipated"?
It hasn't come out yet
It hasn't come out yet
- Banned
- #5,367
A lesson on how consultants can make a difference in an organization. Very impressive!
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, 'Steve's Place,' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, 'Why the spoon?'
'Well,' he explained, 'the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.
‘If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.'
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. 'I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.' I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.
Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, 'Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?'
‘Oh, certainly!' Then he lowered his voice. 'Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom. By tying this string to the tip of our
you-know-what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%.
I asked quietly, 'After you get it out, how do you put it back?'
'Well,' he whispered, 'I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'
How do you find Will Smith if its been snowing?
You look for fresh prints
You look for fresh prints
What do mexicans put under their carpet?
Underlay. Underlay.
Underlay. Underlay.
Why can't you trust trees?
Because they are shady.
Because they are shady.
Why was the king only a foot tall?
He was a ruler.
He was a ruler.
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday the rest are week days.
Saturday and Sunday the rest are week days.
Who ever stole my copy of Microsoft office I will track you down........ You have my Word
Where do animals go when their tails fall off?
The retail store.
The retail store.
What do you call a bee that was born is the United States?
A USB.
A USB.
