Lame Jokes Part 2

[Andrewy]

What do you call a guy who never farts in public?


A private tutor.

 

[Wallaby]

A priest, a minister and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says "I think that I might be a type O'.

 

[Andrewy]

What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?


Their crews were marooned.

 

[RedmanWasHere]

What happened when the blue ship and the red ship collided at sea?


Their crews were marooned.

Off-topic but who's that in your DP?

 

[GreyCrow]

Off-topic but who's that in your DP?

Benny Hill

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Benny Hill

Thank you GC.

 

[Andrewy]

Off-topic but who's that in your DP?

A few from Benny Hill


Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

 

[philreich]

A few from Benny Hill


Live each day as if it were your last...because one day, you'll be right!

I’m not against half naked girls – not as often as I’d like to be.

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

That’s what show business is, sincere insincerity.

Those hot pants of hers were so damned tight, I could hardly breathe.

Have you noticed that all the people in favour of birth control are already born?

He had some good one liners. Girl comes up to him one day and says, "Excuse me sir: do you think I've got the body of a 17 year old?"

Benny replies, "Yeah give it back - you're putting wrinkles in it."

 

[Deliverance]

The guy next to me at the shops said. "I bet $50 you can't reach the meat on the top shelf."
I said "I'm not betting. The steaks are too high"

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Have you seen Fibonacci's calendar?

It has:

January.
January.
February.
March.
May.
August.

 

[Andrewy]

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject. Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

 

[Andrewy]

Yesterday I broke my arm in two places. You know what the doctor told me?"Stay out of those places!"

 

[Andrewy]

What did Barack Obama say to Michelle when he proposed?


I don't wanna be Obama self.

 

[Andrewy]

What did the skunk say when the wind changed?


It's all coming back to me now.

 

[STFU Donnie]

Off-topic but who's that in your DP?

Hang your head in shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[RedmanWasHere]

Hang your head in shame!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know who he is now and know his show and theme instrumental but Benny Hill never had a distinguishable face to me.

 

[Andrewy]

I want to go camping every year.


That last trip was so in tents.

 

[Andrewy]

Have you heard the one about the corduroy pillow?


It's making headlines.

 

[Wallaby]

I want to go camping every year.


That last trip was so in tents.

I went camping last year. Unfortunately, I had a bad feeling when the tent was blown down in a light breeze.

I thought it was a portent.

 

[Damp Squarie]

A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him. Assuming because she wears a uniform, she's probably an off-duty flight attendant for some airline.

Wanting to impress her, he decides to try identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her.

He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto : 'To Fly. To Serve'?
The woman looks at him blankly.

He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto: 'Winning the hearts of the world'?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face.

Undeterred, he tries again, this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto: 'Going beyond expectations'?

The woman looks at him sternly and says: “What the **** do you want?”

Spoiler

“Aha!” he says, "Qantas!”

 

[Andrewy]

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.


Then it dawned on me.

 

[Andrewy]

Did ya know diarrhea is hereditary?


It runs in your jeans!

 

[Wallaby]

My neighbour just laid a whole lot of instant turf in his front yard, and somebody came and nicked the whole lot!

He's looking forlorn right now.

 

[GreyCrow]

My neighbour just laid a whole lot of instant turf in his front yard, and somebody came and nicked the whole lot!

He's looking forlorn right now.

The cops found it - somebody grassed

 

[Rocco sifreddi]

Why does 6 hate 7?
Becouse 7. 8. 9.