Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

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Did you hear the one about the guy who came home, only to find his house was on fire?

He started to laugh.

His neighbor says "Why are you laughing? You've lost your house!"

He says, "I got nothing to worry about cause I got enough wood in the attic to build another one!!!
 
One day at Primary School, a teacher asked a class to think of a sentence with the word 'contagious' in it. Class pet Lauren immediately put her hand up and said:

"I got the flu a few weeks ago and mum said it was contagious"

"Well done", said the teacher. "Anyone else?"

John then piped up and said: "My Aunty Jane said there was some mozzie virus going around and it was contagious"

"Good effort John", said the teacher.

It is then that little Irishman Jimmy put his hand up.

"My dad said he saw the next door neighbour painting the house with a 2 inch brush and he said it will take the contagious".
 

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>HOW TO SPEAK NEW ZEALANDER, FOR BIST EFICT, RID THESE OUT ALOUD!!!
> ------------------------------------------------------------------
>
> Milburn - capital of Victoria
>
> Peck - to fill a suitcase
>
> P!$$ed aside - chemical which kills insects
>
> Pigs - for hanging out washing with
>
> Pump - to act as agent for prostitute
>
> Pug - large animal with a curly tail
>
> Nin tin dough - computer game
>
> Munner stroney - soup
>
> Min - male of the species
>
> Mess Kara - eye makeup
>
> McKennock - person who fixes cars
>
> Mere - Mayor
>
> Leather - foam produced from soap
>
> Lift - departed
>
> Kiri Pecker - famous Australian businessman
>
> Kittle crusps - potato chips
>
> Ken's - Cairns
>
> Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim
>
> Jungle Bills - Christmas carol
>
> Inner me - enemy
>
> Guess - vapour
>
> Fush - marine creatures
>
> Fitter cheney - type of pasta
>
> Ever cardeau - avocado
>
> Fear hear - blonde
>
> Ear - mix of nitrogen and oxygen
>
> Ear roebucks - exercise at the gym
>
> Duffy cult - not easy
>
> Amejen - visualise
>
> Day old chuck - very young poultry
>
> Bug hut - popular recording
>
> Bun button - been bitten by insect
>
> Beard - a place to sleep
>
> Chully Bun - Esky
>
> Sucks Peck - Half a dozen beers
>
> Ear New Zulland - an extinct airline
>
> Beers - large savage animals found in U.S. forests
>
> Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden
>
> One Doze - well known computer program
>
> Brudge - structure spanning a stream
>
> Sex - one less than sivven
>
> Tin - one more than nine
>
> Iggs Ecktly - Precisely
>
> Earplane - large flying machine
>
> Beggage Chucken - place to leave your suitcase at the earport
>
> Sivven Sucks Sivven - large Boeing aircraft
>
> Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft
>
> Cuds - children
>
> Pits - domestic animals
>
> Cuttin - baby cat
>
> Munce - usually served on toast
 
Just heard a good joke, sorry if it's been posted already, but I can't be bothered checking. :D

The pilot & navigator climb into the c ockpit of a plane & the pilot pulls a handgun out of his bag & puts it on the dashboard.

Navigator: what's that for?
Pilot: that's to shoot navigators who get me lost.

At this the navigator pulls out a gun.

Pilot: what's that for?
Navigator: well Captain. let's face it, I will know long before you that we are lost.

:D :D :D :D :D
 
Dead Rabbit

Don't remember seeing this one, got it in an email today :)

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car. The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead. The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible," he explains, "I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, "Don't worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops off out of sight.

The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?"

The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says.....

Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds a permanent wave.
 
KIWI JOKE.

A man walks into a shop in Sydney and says to the guy behind the counter

"I'd like some Fush and Chups thenks"

The bloke behind the counter replies in an instant

"Geez mate you must be a Kiwi"

The poor old New Zudlander is so embarrassed and mortified that he leaves immediately.

A few weeks later, he plucks up the courage to go back to the same shop.

Same thing happens

"I'd like some Fush and Chups thenks"

"Not you again, the same stupid Kiwi that was in here a few weeks ago"

This goes on for about a year, with the poor old Kiwi retreating in embarrassment every time.

Finally, he resolves to do something about it. Apart from the embarrassment, he hasn't been able to get a feed of Fish and Chips for as long as he can remember.

So he enrolls in elocution lessons, attending classes for a year and at the end of the year, having spent 2 nights a week and about $4000 on the lessons, he is finally able to pronounce "Fish and Chips" with fine Australian fluency.

Next day, he marches proudly and confidently into the shop and says:

"G'day mate, Id like some Fish and Chips thanks"

The man behing the counter rolls his eyes, sighs and says

"Not another stupid bloody Kiwi"!!!!!

The Kiwi is stunned.

"Oh Christ" he cries "How the hell did you still know I was a Kiwi"?????

The man leans over the counter and says:




"Mate, this is a hardware store"
 

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Originally posted by topjars
Q: What do you call the extra skin around a vagina?

























































A: A woman.
Click to expand...
That is sick.

What did the pope do when he went to mount olive?
Popeye beat the crap out of him


Why doesn't Hillary Clinton wear mini skirts?
Because her balls would show
 
oh oh


A guy walks into a fancy dress party completely naked, with a jam jar on the end of his c.o.c.k.
The lady at the door says " You not dressed for the occasion, you cant enter!"
To which the guy replys "What do you mean, I'm a fireman!!"
"And how, exactly are you a fireman?" asked the woman

"Well if you break the glass, and ring the bell, watch me come as fast as I can!"
 
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their
marriage might work.

They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?"he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she says, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his glasses, looked her in the eye casually and asked, . . . "Was that one or two words?"
 
[Sorry...]
 
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the
seventh day.He inquired of God, "Where have you been?" God sighed a
deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the
clouds, "Look Michael, look what I've made."

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" "It's a
planet," replied God, "and I've put LIFE on it. I'm going to call
it Earth and it's going to be a place of great balance." "Balance?"
inquired Michael,still confused. God explained, pointing to
different parts of Earth, "For example, Northern Europe will be a
place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.
Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there
is a continent of
black people," God continued, pointing to different countries.
"This one
will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and
covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a small
landmass
in the bottom corner and asked, "What's that one?" "Ah," said God.
"That's New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are
beautiful mountains, lakes,rivers,streams and an exquisite
coastline. The people from New Zealand are going to be modest,
intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling
the world. They'll be extremely sociable and hard working, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats
and carriers of peace."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed; "What
about balance, God? You said there will be BALANCE!" God replied
wisely. "Wait until you see the loud-mouth bastards I'm putting
next to them...."





:D
Lets hope no Kiwi's get hold of this.
 
This is wrong in sooo many ways but.......

What do prawns and women have in common?
















Both their heads are full of ****, but geez those pink bits taste alright!
 
Originally posted by Bakes
This is wrong in sooo many ways but.......

What do prawns and women have in common?
















Both their heads are full of ****, but geez those pink bits taste alright!
Click to expand...

Hahahahaha, best one of those types of jokes I've heard in a while :D
 
This from my Momma this morning... I'm sure all of the computer geeks in here will get a kick out of this. :D

>BILL GATES' HELL
>
>Bill Gates croaked it and met his maker, and God said, "Well, Bill, I'm
>really confused on this one. I'm not sure whether to send you to Heaven
>or to Hell. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a
>computer in almost every home in the world, and we even have them up here
>now, yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something
>I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go.
>
>Bill Gates said, "What's the difference between the two?"
>
>God said, "It might help you decide if you took a peek. I've set up
>webcams at both places. Shall we look at Hell first?"
>
>Bill was amazed. He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear blue
>waters. There were thousands of beautiful men and women running around,
>playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining
>and the temperature was perfect.
>
>"This is great!" said Bill. "If this is Hell, I can't wait to see
>Heaven."
>God said, "Here then" and clicked on his mouse and they viewed Heaven.
>Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky, with angels
>drifting about playing harps and singing. It was nice, but surely not as
>enticing as Hell.
>
>Bill thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision. "God, I
>do believe I would prefer to go to Hell."
>
>"As you wish," said God.
>
>Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late billionaire to see
>how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming
>amidst the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being tortured by demons with
>pitchforks.
>
>"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God.
>
>Bill responded with anguish and despair, "This is awful! This isn't
>what we watched at all! What happened to the beach and the beautiful
>women playing in the water?"
>
>"Oh, that," said God. "That was the screen saver..."

---------------------------------------------------
 
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