Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

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Two vomits were walking along the street when one suddenly stops, looks around, and starts getting a bit teary-eyed.

The other asks what the matter is, to which the first vomit replies "Oh nothing, I'm just a bit sentimental. You see, this is where I was brought up."
 
Cinderella

Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she happily sat in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.

One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"

The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella, since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"

Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.

Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear. "Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.

"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had. "At once, her wish was granted.

Cinderella felt feelings inside her that she had not felt for years. The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"

Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish you could turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man. "Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.

"The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that she was gone.

For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning perfect man she had ever seen. Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath....

"I bet you regret having my balls chopped off now, don't you?"
 
One day in the future, George Bush has a heart attack (or chokes on a pretzel, whatever takes your fancy) and dies. He immediately goes to hell, where the devil is waiting for him.

I don't know what to do here," says the devil. "You are on my list, but I have no room for you.

You definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got a couple folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."

Bush thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the First room: In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed. Over and over and over. Such was his fate in hell.

"No," George said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room: In it was Ronald Reagan with a sledge hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.

"No, I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day," commented George.

The devil opened a third door: In it, Bush saw Bill Clinton, lying on the floor with his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.

Bush took this in with disbelief and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said.........



"OK, Monica, you're free to go."
 

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It's funny cos it's true…

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."
The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fitted a collar and a leash, handed it to the customer, saying "That'll be $5,000."
The customer paid and walked out with his monkey. Startled, the tourist said to the shopkeeper, "That is a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"
The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C. Very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."
The tourist looked at a monkey in another cage, with a tag of $10,000. "That one's even more expensive! What does it do?"
"Oh," said the shopkeeper, "that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff."
The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage all of it's own. The price tag around its neck read $80,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"
The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the Project Manager."
 
A young blonde woman is very depressed and thinking of throwing herself off the Westgate Bridge. Just as she's about to leap a strapping young sailor happens to drive past. He stops, and talks the girl into stepping away from the edge.
"You've got plenty to live for," he tells her. "I'm sailing off to Europe tomorrow morning, I'll stow you away on board my ship and look after you until we get to Europe. How does that sound?"
The girl is very pleased with this idea and tells him so.
"Good," he says. "I'll bring you food each night and get you to Europe, and in return, you can look after me each night in a special way."
The girl thought this was a fair enough deal, (low self esteem, huh) so the sailor hid her away on his ship in one of the life-boats. Every night he brought her food and in return she made love to him. This went on for several weeks, until she was discovered during a routine search by the Captain.
"What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.
"I have a deal with one of your sailors," the girl confessed. "He's taking me to Europe and he's screwing me."
"He sure is lady," said the Captain. "This is the Polly Woodside."
 
Originally posted by Mobbenfuhrer
Two vomits were walking along the street when one suddenly stops, looks around, and starts getting a bit teary-eyed.

The other asks what the matter is, to which the first vomit replies "Oh nothing, I'm just a bit sentimental. You see, this is where I was brought up."
Click to expand...
Yuck that is gross Mobbenfuhrer!
 
I had eighteen bottles of whiskey in my cellar and was told by my sister to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else... I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task. I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it, with the exception of one glass, which I drank.

I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whiskey down the sink which I drank. I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank.

I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.

I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle. Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour. When I had everything emptied, I steadied the house with one hand counted the glasses, corks, bottles, and sinks with the other, which were twenty-nine, and as the houses came by I counted them again, and finally I had all the houses in one bottle, which I drank.

I'm not under tha affluence of incohol as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me, and the drunker I stand here, the longer I get.
 
The bartender served a woman a glass of orange juice. The man sitting
next to her, turned to her and said, "This is a special day; I'm
celebrating.

"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.

"What are you celebrating?" he asked.

"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered. "Today
my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass. "As it happens
I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But
Today they're finally fertile."

"How did it happen?" asked the woman.

"I switched c()cks." Said the man.

"What a coincidence," she replied.
 
George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died.

With the death certificate in hand, George went to the Australian Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to Australia for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law told George that the sending of a body back to Australia for burial is very, very expensive.

It could cost as much as $5,000.00. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost 150.00.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead." "I just can't take that chance."
 
George Bush is have lunch with Colin Powell at a well to do resterant.
For 30 minutes there is yelling and screaming coming from their table.
The waiter finally musters up the courage to walk over there and says "Look Mr President, can you please keep it down, you are disturbing all our guests"
Too which Mr Bush replied "My fellow American, if you help settle the argument that me and my friend here are having, we will endevour to keep quiet".
"Certainly" says the waiter "Fire away!"
"We'll son, what would you say if I told you that, tomorow, America is going to bomb 50 million Iraqies and one blonde with big boobs?"
"Why would you want to bomb a blonde with big boobs?" Asked the waiter
"See I told you!" Said Bush slapping powell on the head "No one cares about Iraq!!!"

BOOM TISH!
 
After hearing of very gifted young boy in War torn Palestine, Mick Malthouse and several senior Collingwood players head over there to persuade the young player to play AFL.
After days of negotiation they succeed in poaching him from other potential sports and he agrees to come back to Australia.
He starts out like a house on fire, picks up the skills with ease, kicks sixty meters on both feet, more deadly with the handball than Greg Williams, can mark better than Ablett, and has the agility of a young Kouta.
Mick is impressed! So much so he rushes the lad into the side that week.
The kid stars! Had 32 possesions and kicks 6 goals straight from a half forward flank, including the winner after the siren.
After the game MIck pulls the kid aside and says "boy that is the most brilliant debut I have ever seen. You are a magician, go and give your mother a call and tell her of the great news".
The lad rushes to the phone and rings.
"Mom I have some great news! Today I had 32 possesions and kicked six goals, they think I'm a god!"
"Well I'm glad that things are great for you!"Says the mother "but since you started chasing this stupid dream, our house has been burgled, your brother has been jailed, your father killed, you sister r*ped and I have been selling myself to make ends meet."
"Why mother!" says the boy shocked "I feel as if I am to blame for these tragedies!"
"Of course you are!" Grunts the mother "If it wasn't for you we wouldn't be living in Collingwood!!"

BOOM TISH!
 

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Seduction

A beautiful, slim, sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her
immediately.
She seductively signalled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with
both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I
can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
 
Another e-mail forwarded from my brother back home in California-- this one's along the lines of all the "redneck" jokes that were making the rounds a few years ago...



> > > > Subject: SOUTHERN HUMOR
> > > >
> > > >
> > > > Ida Mae passed away and Bubba called 911. The
> > 911-operator told Bubba
> > > > that she
> > > > would send someone out right away. "Where do you
> > live?" asked the
> > > > operator.
> > > > Bubba replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
> > The operator asked,
> > > > "Can you spell that for me?" After a long pause,
> > Bubba said, "How 'bout
> > > > I drag her over to Oak Street and you
> > > > pick her up there?"

> > > > ************************

> > > > An Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup
> > truck on I-40 and says to
> > > > the
> > > > driver, "Got any ID?"
> > > > The driver says, "'Bout what?"

> > > > ************************

> > > > An Alabamian came home and found his house on
> > fire. He rushed next
> > > > door,
> > > > telephoned the fire department and shouted,
> > "Hurry over here-muh house
> > > > is on
> > > > fahr!"
> > > > "OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get
> > there?" "Shucks, don't you
> > > > fellers still have those big red trucks?"

> > > > ************************

> > > > Two Mississippians are walking toward each
> > other, and one is carrying a
> > > > sack.
> > > > When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray,
> > whatcha got in th' bag?" "Jes'
> > > > some chickens."
> > > > "If I guesses how many they is, kin I have one?"
> > "Shoot, if ya guesses
> > > > right, I'll give you both of 'em!" "OK.
> > Ummmmm...five?"

> > > > ************************

> > > > Why do folks in South Carolina go to R-rated
> > movies in groups of 18 or
> > > > more?
> > > > Because they heard 17 and under aren't admitted.

> > > > ************************

> > > > Know why they raised the minimum drinking age in
> > Tennessee to 32? They
> > > > wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

> > > > ************************

> > > > What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in
> > Kansas and a hurricane in
> > > > Florida have
> > > > in common?
> > > > No matter what, somebody's fixin' to lose a
> > trailer.

> > > > ************************

> > > > How do you know when you're staying in a
> > Kentucky hotel? When you call
> > > > the front desk and say "I've got a leak in my
> > sink," and the person at
> > > > the front desk says, "Go ahead.
 
Originally posted by hotpie
What does NASA stand for?










Need Another Seven Astronauts.
Click to expand...

No It's NOT ANOTHER seven astronauts ?


PS this thread will be deleted - I had a thread poking fun at newspaper headlines which referred to the unfortunate "accident" and it's been deleted.
 
Warning: This joke, may offend Irish people! I hope not, but if it does - I apologise, I don't mean to be disrespectfull in any way! but keep in mind I have come from an Irish background and love this joke! :D

2 Irishman were sitting on an iceberg
One was named Paddy and the other was named Murphy
Anyway, they were having a very serious discussion on how they would get off the iceberg.

Paddy's reply to Murphy was: we are saved!, we are saved!, we are saved!
Murphy: what makes you think that?
































Paddy: Here comes the Titanic :D
 
Little Johnny was in his Kindergarten class when the teacher asked
the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical
answers came up - fireman, policeman, salesman.

Johnny was being uncharacteristically quiet so the teacher asked him
about his father. "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and
takes off all his clothes in front of other men."

The teacher hurriedly set the other children to work on some
colouring in and took little Johnny aside to ask him "Is that really
true about your father working in a gay strip club?"

"No," said Johnny, "he really plays test cricket for England but I
was too embarrassed to say."


Ahhh you have to love that :D
 
A blonde heard that milk baths make you beautiful.
So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant1.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub
with milk and take a milk bath.

" The milkman asked, "OK. You want it Pasteurized? " The blonde said "No, just up to my t!ts."
 
Expensive Perfume

A young, beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling like expensive perfume. She turns to an old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"
Another young, beautiful woman gets onto the elevator and also smells of very expensive perfume. She arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 dollars an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both of the women in the eyes, turns around, bends over, farts and says, "Broccoli, 49 cents a pound!"
 
The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply ALTERNATE meanings for various words.

The following were some of this year's winning entries:


1. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent
mindedly answer the door in your nightie.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavoured mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after
you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.

12. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

13. Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul
goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

15. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
 
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