Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!

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An Amish boy and his father were visiting a nearby mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny silver walls that moved apart and back together again by themselves.
The lad asked, "What is this, father?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "I have no idea what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched as small circles lit up above the walls.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful twenty-four-year-old woman stepped out.

The father looked at his son anxiously and said, "Go get your mother."

:D :D :D :D
 
> > YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN:

> > YOU KNOW YOU'RE LIVING IN THE YEAR 2002 WHEN:
> > 1. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is because they do
not
> > have e-mail addresses.
> > 2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
> > 3. You call your son! 's beeper to let him know it's time to eat. He
> > e-mails you back from his bedroom, "What's for dinner?"
> > 4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
> > 5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but
you
> > haven't spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
> > 6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if
it
> > contains Echinacea.
> > 7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so
> she
> > can create a screen saver.
> > 8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
> > anyone is home.
> > 9. Every commercial on television has a web site address at the bot! !
tom
> > of the screen.
> > 10. You buy a computer and 6 months later it is out of date and now
sells
> > for half the price you paid.
> > 11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the
> > first 20 or 30 years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn
> > around to go get it.
> > 12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase
would
> > be a hassle and takes planning.
> > 13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of
> the
> > back seat of your car.
> > 14. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
> > 15. You consider second day air delivery painfully slow.
> > 16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
> > 17. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored Post-it notes.
> > 18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
> > 19. You get an extra phone line so you can get phone calls.
> > 20. You disconnect from the Internet and get this awful feeling, as if
you
> > just pulled the pl! ! ug on a loved one.
> > 21. You get up in morning and go on-line before getting your coffee.
> > 22. You wake up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on
> your
> > way back to bed.
> > 23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
> > 24. You're reading this.
> > 25. Even worse; you're going to forward it to someone else.
 
The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk,
(I will be drunk),
At home as I am in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we forgive those who spill against us,
and lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers,
For thine is the beer,
The bitter and the lager,
Forever and ever,
Barmen.



Cheers!!
SeinDude
 

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How to Poop at Work


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2001 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH. Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS. Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

**** BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the **** Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential **** Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential **** Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

[N]WATERMELON[/B] Definition: A **** that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. HAVANA OMELET. Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.




Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
NEW COMPUTER VIRUSES ALERT
Please check your computer for the following viruses:
-------------------------------------------------------------------
AL GORE VIRUS - Causes your computer to just keep counting and counting.

MONICA LEWINSKY VIRUS - sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS - quits after one byte

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS - your 300mb hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100mb and then slowly expands to 200mb.

DR. JACK KEVORKAIN VIRUS - deletes all old files.

ELLEN DEGENERES VIRUS - you can no longer insert disks into your computer.

TITANIC VIRUS - your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS - everything in your computer goes Goofy.

PROZAC VIRUS - screws up your ram, but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUCCO VIRUS - only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS - terminates some files, leaves, but it'll be back.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS - turns your hard drive into a 3.5 inch floppy.

VIAGRA VIRUS - turns your 3.5 inch floppy into a hard drive.
 
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies

-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.

-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.

-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.

-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.

-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.

-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.

-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it's the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.

-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.

-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.

:D :D :D :D :D
 
A blonde walks up to a Coke machine and puts in a coin, presses the button, and out pops a Coke. The blonde looks amazed and runs away to get some more coins. She returns and starts feeding the machine madly and of course the machine keeps feeding out drinks.

Another person walks up behind the blonde and watches her antics for a few minutes before stopping her and asking if someone else could have a go.

The blonde turns around and shouts, "Can't you see I'm winning!!"

:D :D :D :D :D
 
One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand.

The teacher says "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks if it is a giraffe. "Very good Sally," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands.
"See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says it is a zebra. "Very good Billy," the teacher replies.

Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students holds up their hand.
"See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father."
Little Johnny shouts out "I know what it is, it's a horny bastard."
 
A busload of politicians were driving down a country road, when suddenly the bus ran off the road and crashed into an old farmer's barn.
The old farmer got off his tractor and went to investigate. Soon he dug a hole and buried the politicians. A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus and asked the old farmer where all the politicians had gone.

The old farmer told him he had buried them.

The sheriff asked the old farmer, "Lordy, were they ALL dead?"

The old farmer said, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them crooked politicians lie."

:D :D :D :D :D
 
First time ive looked at this thread so if this joke has being done, well too bad :D

Ali G's sister goes into labour and ends up giving birth to twins, a girl and a boy. However due to complications she is out of it for almost three days. Once she finally awakens, she ask's the doctor if she can see her children. The doctor brings them in and say "Your brother has been great he even named your children"

The sister springs up and cries "NO... my brother is an idiot why did you let him name my children" The doctor replies "But he has been a pillar of strength, nothing untoward, he has been a fantastic ever since you went into labour"

The sister then decides to give Ali G a chance and ask's the doctor what her daughter is called....the doctor relpies "Denise"

"Oh that is a beautiful name" says sis, perhaps i have misjudged my brother....now excited to hear her other childs name, she quickly ask the doctor what he has named her son. The doc replies....




"Danephew"

:D

Get it.... :p
 
For those who may have missed it in the past.
For BigFooty etiquette, I edited the 'F' word. *Derrrrrrrrrrr !*

bin_millionaire....jpg
 

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An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall.

A young man walked up and sat down.

He had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange,blue, yellow.

The old man just stared.

Every time the young man looked, the old man was staring.

The young man finally said sarcastically ...

"What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?"

Without batting an eye, the old man replied ...

"Got drunk once and f*ck*d a parrot!.....I was just wondering if you were my son."
 
A drunk guy was stumbling home one day when he got lost and
found himself in the bush. He fell to the ground and noticed a
lamp. He picked it up, and rubbed it, and out came a genie.

"You have three wishes, choose them wisely." says the Genie.

The guy, looking down at his last, and empty, bottle of beer,
smashes it on some rocks and says, "I want a beer that will
never run out."

******

A bottle appears in front of the guy. He takes it, looks at
it, and downs it. He looks at it again, and to his surprise, it
was still full. The guy being very content starts walking
away.

"Where are you going," asks the Genie, "You still have two
wishes left!"

"Well," replies the guy, "Give me TWO more of these!"



Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
He musta been Irish or a Port Power supporter....heheh he



A New Zealander buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After
several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant,
and calls a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try
artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but,not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop
standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they
are pregnant. The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep. So, he loads the sheep into his Landrover, drives
them out into the woods, has s*x with them all, brings them back and
goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Landrover again. He drives
them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure brings
them back and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the
sheep still just standing round. One more try, he tells himself, and
proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all
day shagging the sheep and, upon returning home, falls listlessly into
bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at
the sheep. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the sheep are
lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Landrover and
one of them is beeping the horn."
 
Why were shopping trolleys invented?

To teach women to stand on their hind legs.

What do you call a woman who has lost 99% of her intelligence?

Divorced.

What food destroys a woman's sex drive?

Wedding Cake.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.
 
A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?"



The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

The man replies "Because every time I talk to a woman with t!ts like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere."


:D
 
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.

"Now class,I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering.

When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says,


"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
 
What a difference 30 years makes:

1972: Long hair
2002: Longing for hair

1972: The perfect high
2002: The perfect high yield mutual fund

1972: KEG
2002: EKG

1972: Acid rock
2002: Acid reflux

1972: Moving to California because it's cool
2002: Moving to California because it's warm

1972: Growing pot
2002: Growing pot belly

1972: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2002: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

1972: Seeds and stems
2002: Roughage

1972: Popping pills, smoking joints
2002: Popping joints

1972: Killer weed
2002: Weed killer

1972: Hoping for a BMW
2002: Hoping for a BM

1972: The Grateful Dead
2002: Dr. Kevorkian

1972: Going to a new, hip joint
2002: Receiving a new hip joint

1972: Rolling Stones
2002: Kidney Stones

1972: Being called into the principal's office
2002: Calling the principal's office

1972: Screw the system
2002: Upgrade the system

1972: Disco
2002: Costco

1972: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2002: Children begging you to get their heads shaved

1972: Taking acid
2002: Taking antacid

1972: Passing the drivers' test
2002: Passing the vision test

1972: Whatever
2002: Depends




Cheers!!
SeinDude
 
My own mother (yes, she of the "A black cat in a blue-and-white jumper? Oh, poor baby." fame) sent me this earlier today...

Enjoy!

Cheers,
William

-----------------------------------------------------

Subject: Deep Thoughts




1. Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

2. Marriage changes passion...suddenly you're in bed with a relative.

3. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said
"Implants?"

4. I don't do drugs anymore...I get the same effect just standing up
fast.

5. Sign in a Chinese Pet Store: "Buy one dog, get one flea..."

6. I have my own little world. But it's OK...they know me here.

7. I got a sweater for Christmas...I really wanted a screamer or a
moaner.

8. If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

9. I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get
elected.

10. There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and ****head's .

11. I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

12. I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore I am perfect.

13. Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive
days I've stayed alive.

14. How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for MissAmerica?

15. Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

16. Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

17. Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

18. Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"

 
A tourist is travelling through the country side of New Zealand when he hears what seems to be the sound of someone having sex with a sheep. He gets out of his car and wanders down the hill. He soon realises that he was right. He sees a man havind sex with a sheep. So disgusted, he goes up to him and says "In Australia we sheer our sheep." The man looks bag at him annoyed and says "Git your own, i'm not sheering anything!"
 
Cannibals

Two hungry cannibals are walking through the forest when they see a man who had recently passed away.
One cannibal says, "Look at this! You start at the feet and I'll start at the head and we'll meet in the middle."

So the two cannibals start eating.

After a half an hour one stops eating, looks up and says, "I don't know about you, but this is great! How are you doing?"

The other cannibal answers, "This is great! I'm havin' a ball!"

The other cannibal says, "Hey, slow down, you're eating too fast!"

:D :D :D :D
 
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