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AFLW 2024 - Round 10 - Chat, game threads, injury lists, team lineups and more.
Official Jokes thread - for those who like to laugh!!
- Thread starter SeinDude
- Start date
- Tagged users None
- Status
stumpy
Senior List
What's the defintion of suspicion?
A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field
A nun doing press ups in a cucumber field
- Thread starter
- #253
The New Understandable Tax System (NUTS)
By now you will all be familiar with the new Goods and Services Tax and have a complete understanding of how it works. You don’t? Well, never mind, let me explain it…………
We are going to use the first three months as practice, and as of the 1st October, we have a new and simplified system for you. It is the New Understandable Tax System (NUTS) – and although it may appear complicated, it really is very easy to understand. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity. The Business Utilisation Number (BUN), will be used during all dealings with governments at all levels. Every business will get a BUN, with NUTS.
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD), every month. Businesses should set aside at least three full working days to fill the BASTARD out.
Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefit, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).
All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a Direct Application for Taxation form (DAFT). The completed DAFT form will then be assessed by a Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator (MORON), who determines the amount of Credited Refund Allowance Payment (CRAP), the taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation (STUPID), or Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit (IDIOTIC).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to a BUN, with NUTS. You will need to apply for a new allowance provided jointly by the State and Federal Governments, - The Joint Organisation Benefit (JOB), in the form of a Suddenly Temporarily Unemployed Financial Ticket (STUFT).
From October 1st when all Australia goes NUTS, small businesses will need to submit a General Allocation Rebate for Business and Goods Estimates (GARBAGE) report to the Department of Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the end of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as a Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST), by Sept 30th and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular fulltime basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK), on or before the 1st October. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that by the end of the next financial year, all businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS
Cheers!!
SeinDude
By now you will all be familiar with the new Goods and Services Tax and have a complete understanding of how it works. You don’t? Well, never mind, let me explain it…………
We are going to use the first three months as practice, and as of the 1st October, we have a new and simplified system for you. It is the New Understandable Tax System (NUTS) – and although it may appear complicated, it really is very easy to understand. Major elements of NUTS include a number for each business entity. The Business Utilisation Number (BUN), will be used during all dealings with governments at all levels. Every business will get a BUN, with NUTS.
Businesses will be required to complete a Business Activity Statement Table and Report Directive (BASTARD), every month. Businesses should set aside at least three full working days to fill the BASTARD out.
Under the new system, every adult Australian taxpayer is classified as a Simple Underpaid Consumer Keeping Everything Running (SUCKER), unless they are unemployed and receiving Commonwealth benefit, in which case they are classified as a Registered Australian Taxation Beneficiary Allowance Grantee (RATBAG).
All SUCKERS and RATBAGS will be required to complete a Direct Application for Taxation form (DAFT). The completed DAFT form will then be assessed by a Metropolitan Or Regional Outcome Negotiator (MORON), who determines the amount of Credited Refund Allowance Payment (CRAP), the taxpayer will receive.
Any SUCKER who wishes to appeal against the amount of CRAP received from the government should contact their local MORON, who will assess the appeal and classify it as Secondary Temporarily Unpaid Portion of Individual Donation (STUPID), or Income-Derived Individual Obligatory Taxation Instalment Credit (IDIOTIC).
If you are a RATBAG, you will not be entitled to a BUN, with NUTS. You will need to apply for a new allowance provided jointly by the State and Federal Governments, - The Joint Organisation Benefit (JOB), in the form of a Suddenly Temporarily Unemployed Financial Ticket (STUFT).
From October 1st when all Australia goes NUTS, small businesses will need to submit a General Allocation Rebate for Business and Goods Estimates (GARBAGE) report to the Department of Untaxed Merchandise and Produce (DUMP). Your GARBAGE must be sent to the DUMP before the end of each month.
All small businesses must be registered as a Business Utilising Sales Tax (BUST), by Sept 30th and small businesses employing more than 2.7 persons on a regular fulltime basis must give each employee the Statutory Assessment Contribution Kit (SACK), on or before the 1st October. Only when all employees have been given the SACK will the business be officially acknowledged as BUST.
In order to alleviate any hardship during the changeover period, the government will establish a Department of Grants and Subsidies (DOGS). It is anticipated that by the end of the next financial year, all businesses will be registered as BUST and the country will have gone to the DOGS
Cheers!!
SeinDude
stumpy
Senior List
LOL @ Seindude
- Banned
- #255
What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do You
have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a ******ed baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, Along
with a recipe.
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.
What's the best form of birth control after 50?
Nudity
What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
45 kilos.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
45 minutes.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.
What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why are men and parking spaces alike?
Because all the good ones are gone and the only ones left are disabled.
What have men and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for
life.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.
Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good
looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
No one to talk to during orgasm.
What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.
Why does the bride always wear white?
Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in sixth grade. Who has the
biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
Ask your Mom.
How do you know when you're really ugly?
Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed.
How do you know when you're leading a sad life?
When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Lets just be friends."
Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.
What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts?
Her navel.
What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies?
A Bingo Machine.
Why did God create alcohol?
So ugly people could have sex too.
What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"
What three two-letter words mean small?
"Is It In?"
Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.
If you are having sex with two women and one more walks in, what do You
have?
Divorce proceedings most likely.
Why did OJ Simpson want to move to Tasmania?
Everyone has the same DNA.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a ******ed baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.
What does it mean when the flag at a US Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.
Why aren't there any Aboriginals on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."
What do you call a New Zealand farmer with a sheep under each arm?
A Pimp.
What's the difference between a Japanese zoo, and an Australian zoo?
A Japanese zoo has a description of the animal on the front the cage, Along
with a recipe.
AUSTIN POWERS CHAT UP LINES FROM THE NEW FILM 'GOLD MEMBER'
1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck
itself.
17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
1) I wish you were a door so I could bang you all day long.
2) (Lick finger and wipe on her shirt) Let's get you out of those wet clothes.
3) Nice legs... What time do they open?
4) Do you work for the post office? I thought I saw you checking out my package.
5) You've got 206 bones in your body, want one more?
6) Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?
7) I may not be the best looking guy in here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
8) I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed thrasher, have you seen one?
9) I'm fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman on earth tonight.
10) Wanna play army? I'll lie down and you can blow the hell outta me.
11) I'd really like to see how you look when I'm naked.
12) You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.
13) You must be the limp doctor because I've got a stiffy.
14) I'd walk a million miles for one of your smiles, and even farther for that thing you do with your tongue.
15) If it's true that we are what we eat, then I could be you by
morning.
16) (Look down at your crotch) Well, it's not just going to suck
itself.
17) You know, if I were you, I'd have sex with me.
18) You, Me, Whipped cream and Handcuffs. Any questions?
19) Those clothes would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor.
20) My name is ( )...remember that, you'll be screaming it later.
21) Do you believe in love at first sight or should I walk by again?
22) Hi, the voices in my head told me to come over and talk to you.
23) I know milk does a body good, but DAMN, how much have you been drinking?
24) Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?
25) Do you wash your pants in Mr Sheen because I can see myself in them.
catattack
Premiership Player
How to treat a telemarketer
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. (This works great if you are male) Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"
5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. If the Telemarketer is selling raffle tickets, tell him or her that you work for the same company, and that employees cannot participate.
11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "OH MY GOD!" and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask if he/she will give you their home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" and proceed to hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation. For added effect, clanging of cutlery and dishes is recommended.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up... louder... louder!
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
catattack
Premiership Player
A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.
The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:
Dear God,
Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.
- Banned
- #260
A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster to mate with his chickens. The farmer puts the rooster straight in the pen so he can get down to business. The young rooster walks over to the old rooster and says,
"Okay, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens... look at what it did to me."
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster say "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farm house.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start.
The young rooster says,
"Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!... he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a bitch... third gay rooster I bought this week!"
"Okay, old fellow, time to retire."
The old rooster says, "You can't handle all these chickens... look at what it did to me."
The young rooster replies, "Now, don't give me a hassle about this. Time for the old to step aside and the young to take over, so take a hike."
The old rooster say "Aw, c'mon.....just let me have the two old hens over in the corner. I won't bother you."
The young rooster says, "Scram! Beat it! You're washed up! I'm taking over!"
So, the old rooster thinks for a minute and then says to the young rooster,
"I'll tell you what, young fellow, I'll have a race with you around the farm house.
Whoever wins the race gets domain of the chicken coop. And if I'm so feeble, why not give me a little head start.
The young rooster says,
"Sure, why not, you know I'll still beat you."
They line up in back of the farmhouse, get a chicken to cluck "Go!" and the old rooster takes off running.
About 5 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farm house and the young rooster is only about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast.
The farmer, sitting on the porch, looks up, sees what's going on, grabs his shotgun and BOOM!... he blows the young rooster to KFC heaven.
He shakes his head gloomily and says, "Son of a bitch... third gay rooster I bought this week!"
- Banned
- #261
An African leader makes an official trip to Russia. At the end of the trip,the Russian leader tells the African that in Russia they have a custom performed at farewells called "Russian Roulette" to demonstrate one's courage.
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the
cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest,and says, "Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual...CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
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"One of them is a cannibal"
The Russian whips out a revolver, loads one chamber, gives the
cylinder a spin, puts the gun to his head and pulls the
trigger...CLICK...empty chamber. He hands the revolver to his African guest,and says, "Your turn."
Not to be outdone, the African repeats the ritual...CLICK...empty.
The next year, the Russian visits the African country. At the end of the trip, the African tells his Russian peer that he was very impressed with "Russian Roulette" and that he has spent the last year devising an African ritual to demonstrate one's courage. The African then disappears through a door only to reappear a few minutes later smiling, and says, "Your turn."
The African escorts the Russian through the door. In the room are six of the most beautiful, naked women he has ever seen. The African explains that he is to choose one of the women, who will perform oral sex on him.
Absolutely dumbfounded, the Russian asks, "What kind of test of courage is this?"
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"One of them is a cannibal"
Whats black and red and sits in a tree.
A crow with a fat.
A crow with a fat.
- Banned
- #264
SAYINGS YOU MAY HAVE WANTED ON YOUR TEE SHIRT
1)The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
>
> 2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>
> 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>
> 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>
> 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
>
> 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>
> 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>
> 9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.
>
> 10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
>
> 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>
> 13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
>
> 14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
>
> 15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
>
> 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>
> 17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
>
> 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
>
> 19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>
> 20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
>
> 21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
>
> 22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
>
> 23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)
>
> 24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
>
> 25) "Procrastinate..... Now"
>
> 26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"
>
> 27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"
>
> 28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
>
> 29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
>
> 30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"
>
> 31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"
>
> 32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
>
> 33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
>
> 34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
>
> 35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
>
> 36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
>
> 37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
>
> 38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"
>
> 39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
>
> 40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog
>
> 41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
>
> 42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
>
> 43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
>
> 44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."
>
> 45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
>
> 46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
>
> 47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
>
> 48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
>
> 49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning- medicine."
>
> 50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
My FAVOURITE is N0. 14
1)The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
>
> 2) I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
>
> 3) I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
>
> 4) Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
>
> 5) I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
>
> 6) Don't take life too seriously; you won't get out alive.
>
> 7) You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.
>
> 8) Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
>
> 9) Earth.... is the insane asylum for the universe.
>
> 10) I'm not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.
>
> 12) Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
>
> 13) I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
>
> 14) I want to die in my sleep, like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
>
> 15) God must love stupid people; He made so many of them.
>
> 16) The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
>
> 17) It IS as BAD as you think and they ARE out to get you.
>
> 18) I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
>
> 19) Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
>
> 20) Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
>
> 21) Beer ~ The Reason I Get Up Each Afternoon!
>
> 22) I Must Be a Proctologist Because I Work With Assholes!
>
> 23) "That's It! I'm Calling Nana!" (seen on an 8-year old)
>
> 24) "Wrinkled.... Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
>
> 25) "Procrastinate..... Now"
>
> 26) "Rehab..... Is for Quitters"
>
> 27) "My Dog.... Can Lick Anyone"
>
> 28) "I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts - Do You Want Fries With That?"
>
> 29) "Party - My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
>
> 30) "Finally 21, and Legally Able to do Everything I've been doing since I was 15"
>
> 31) "Arkansas: One Million People and 15 last names"
>
> 32) "FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION. It comes bundled with the software."
>
> 33) "I'M OUT OF ESTROGEN AND I'VE GOT A GUN"
>
> 34) "A hangover is the wrath of grapes"
>
> 35) "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance"
>
> 36) "STUPIDITY IS NOT A HANDICAP. Park elsewhere!"
>
> 37) "DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - Ban Country Music"
>
> 38) "They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken"
>
> 39) "He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead"
>
> 40) "Time is fun when you're having flies"...Kermit the Frog
>
> 41) "POLICE STATION TOILET STOLEN .... Cops have nothing to go on."
>
> 42) "FOR SALE - Iraqi rifle. Never fired. Dropped once."
>
> 43) "HECK IS WHERE PEOPLE GO WHO DON'T BELIEVE IN GOSH"
>
> 44) "HAM AND EGGS - A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig."
>
> 45) "WELCOME TO KENTUCKY - Set your watch back 20 years."
>
> 46) "The trouble with life is there's no background music."
>
> 47) "The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson."
>
> 48) "MOP AND GLOW - The Floor Wax used by Three Mile Island cleanup team."
>
> 49) "NyQuil - The stuffy, sneezy,why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning- medicine."
>
> 50) "My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.
My FAVOURITE is N0. 14
- Thread starter
- #265
Forrest Gump:
Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."
"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied,"Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy."
"It's Andy??"
"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked."Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ..."
And Forrest entered Heaven!
Cheers!!
SeinDude
Forrest Gump was sent on his way to Heaven. Upon his arrival, a concerned St Peter met Forrest at the Pearly Gates. "I'm sorry Forrest" St Peter said; "But Heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to put up an Entrance Exam for new arrivals to ease the burden of Heavenly Arrivals.
"That's Cool" said Forrest, What does the Entrance Exam consist of?"
"3 Questions" said St Peter.
"Which are?" asked Forrest.
"The First" said St Peter, " Is, which two days of the week start with the letters 'T'?
"The second is: How many seconds are there in a year"
"The third is: What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
"Now" said St Peter, "Go away and think about those questions Forrest, and when I call upon you, I shall expect you to have those answers for me."
So Forrest went away and gave those three questions some considerable thought.
The following morning, St Peter called upon Forrest and asked if he had considered the questions, to which Forrest replied, "I have."
"Well then," said St Peter, "Which two days of the week start with the letter T?"
Forrest said, " Today . . and Tomorrow."
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that indeed the answer can be applied to the question.
"Well then Forrest, could I have your answer to the second of the three questions?" St Peter went on, " How many seconds in a year?"
Forrest replied, "Just 12!"
"Only 12?" exclaimed St Peter, "How did you arrive at that figure Forrest?"
"Easy" said Forest. "There's the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December, giving a total of twelve seconds."
St Peter looked at Forrest and said, "I need some time to consider your answer before I can give you a decision." And he walked away shaking his head.
A short time later St Peter returned to Forrest. "I'll allow the answer to stand Forrest, but you need to get the third and final question absolutely correct to be allowed into Heaven."
"Now Forrest, can you tell me the answer to the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?"
Forrest replied,"Of the three questions, I found this the easiest to answer."
"Really!" exclaimed St Peter, "And what is the answer, Forrest?"
"It's Andy."
"It's Andy??"
"Yes, it's Andy" said Forrest.
This totally floored St Peter, and he paced this way and that, deliberating the answer. Finally, he could not stand the suspense any longer, and turning to Forrest, asked."Forrest, how in God's name did you arrive at THAT answer?"
"Easy" said Forrest . . "Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited till his billy boiled ..."
And Forrest entered Heaven!
Cheers!!
SeinDude
- Banned
- #266
A woman decides to have a facelift for her 47th birthday.
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving
she asks the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to
let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly how old
you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands
slowly and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing.
How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.
On her way home she stops at a news-stand to buy a paper. Before leaving
she asks the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do
you think I am?" "About 32," the clerk replies. "I'm actually 47," the
woman says happily.
A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl
the same question. She replies, "I'd guess about 29." The woman replies,
"Nope, I am 47!" Now she is feeling really good about herself.
While waiting for the bus home, she asks an old man the same question.
He replies, "I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young,
there was a sure way to tell how old a woman was, but it requires you to
let me put my hands down your knickers. Then, I can tell exactly how old
you are."
They waited in silence on the empty street until curiosity got the best of
the woman and she finally says, "What the hell, go ahead".
The old man slips both hands down her knickers and begins to feel around.
After several minutes she says, "Okay, how old am I?" He removes his hands
slowly and says, "You are 47." Stunned, the woman says, "That is amazing.
How do you know?"
The old man replies, "I was behind you in McDonald's."
Bomber Spirit
Norm Smith Medallist
The ants were playing the spiders in a soccer game, when an ant got trampled and couldn't play on. As he was being stretchered off, the ants realised they were a player short, but there were no more ants around.
But in the crowd was an earwig, so the ants instantly signed him up to play for them. The only jumper they had that was big enough for the earwig to wear was a number zero, so he put that on and joined the action.
The earwig was sensational, scoring a hat-trick and creating numerous more chances for the ants; resulting in the ants recording a sensational come-from-behind victory.
At the press conference after the game, the earwig said "I'd like to thank the crowd. Their support was fantastic."
The interviewer asked "What support?"
To which the earwig replied "Every time we took a corner, the crowd started singing 'Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O.'"
But in the crowd was an earwig, so the ants instantly signed him up to play for them. The only jumper they had that was big enough for the earwig to wear was a number zero, so he put that on and joined the action.
The earwig was sensational, scoring a hat-trick and creating numerous more chances for the ants; resulting in the ants recording a sensational come-from-behind victory.
At the press conference after the game, the earwig said "I'd like to thank the crowd. Their support was fantastic."
The interviewer asked "What support?"
To which the earwig replied "Every time we took a corner, the crowd started singing 'Earwig O, Earwig O, Earwig O.'"
CNN News Flash........URGENT......
Kabul, Afghanistan Novenber 2, 2002
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening Australia if its
territory is invaded.
Immigration Czar Mohammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities "would not hesitate for a moment" to cut off Australia's supply of cab drivers.
Peace,
Evan
Kabul, Afghanistan Novenber 2, 2002
A shocking development took place today as the ruling members of the Taliban held a press conference threatening Australia if its
territory is invaded.
Immigration Czar Mohammed Ali Momaluke stated that the Afghan authorities "would not hesitate for a moment" to cut off Australia's supply of cab drivers.
Peace,
Evan
- Banned
- #269
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day,
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning."
only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.
"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners."
"F*** off!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she
proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man
wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open.
"Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse sh*t all over her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse sh*t from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder."
"Well," she said, "I hope you've got a f***ing good appetite,
because the electricity was cut off this morning."
- Thread starter
- #270
A Spanish Delicacy!!
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
Cheers!!
SeinDude
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following a day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell, I'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one
serving per day because there is only one bull fight each
morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy!"
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.
Sometimes the bull wins."
Cheers!!
SeinDude
- Thread starter
- #271
New Dog Cross Breeds
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
Cheers!!
SeinDude
The following breeds are now recognized by the AKC:
Collie + Lhasa Apso
Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport
Spitz + Chow Chow
Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot
Pointer + Setter
Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund
Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso
Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel
Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever
Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog
Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador
Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer
Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute
Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier
Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Bull Terrier + ShihTzu
Oh, never mind....
Cheers!!
SeinDude
- Thread starter
- #272
All My Jobs
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Cheers!!
SeinDude
My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned because I couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. The job was only so-so anyhow.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory, but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't note worthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patience.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried, but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
I thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit, because it was always the same old grind.
After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a historian, until I realized there was no future in it.
Cheers!!
SeinDude
- Thread starter
- #273
***WHICH HORSE IS WHICH??***
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which
was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his
tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly
like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white
horse was 2 inches taller than the black!!
Cheers!!
SeinDude
A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which
was which. A neighbor suggested that she cut the tail of one
horse and that worked great until the other horse got his
tail caught in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly
like the other horse's tail and our friend was stuck again.
The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off one horse. That
worked fine until the other horse caught his ear on a barbed
wire fence. Once again our friend couldn't tell them apart.
The neighbor suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that the white
horse was 2 inches taller than the black!!
Cheers!!
SeinDude
Advice From Men To Women
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
...Never buy a 'new' brand of beer because 'it was on sale.'
...If we're in the backyard and the TV in the den is on, that doesn't mean we're not watching it.
...Don't tell anyone we can't afford a new car. Tell them we don't want one.
...Whenever possible please try to say whatever you have to say during commercials.
...Please don't drive when you're not driving.
...Don't feel compelled to tell us how all the people in your stories are related to one another: We're just nodding, waiting for the punchline.
...The quarterback who just got pummeled isn't trying to be brave. He's just not crying. Big difference!
...When the waiter asks if everything's okay, a simple 'Yes' is fine.
- Status
