Autopsy One night in Bangkok (Travel tales - true and/or exagerated - to far flung places)

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Samsquanch

Just bloody kick the thing! NO! Not there!
Mar 31, 2016
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After a bit of chat with koshari in the Gasometer is grumpy thread, to avoid further ire, I've decided to create a thread for North Melbourne supporters to re-tell their travel tales of the trips they've made in and around Southeast Asia. It may be worth expanding to incorporate other places, but this is the place for dodgy stories, suitably embalished to take us away to the days of our youth when a surfboard, a couple of hundred dollars and a back-pack were our travel collateral.

To start off...

After a month in Viet Nam, my wife and I flew into Bangkok to continue our saved up holidays. It wasn't our first time there, but previously we'd booked accommodation and had airport transfers arranged. This time it was a public bus and work it out as we went along.

What we didn't count on was the flooding rain that was pouring down in BKK when we arrived. So much so that we stepped out of the bus and into a bar in the sleazy backpacker area and parked ourselves there, along with everybody else who got out of the bus as the rain was too heavy to go looking for digs.

The bar had some stairs leading to an area that was clearly used for extra services. The "girls" would come down and try to entice the bar patrons to go upstairs - think of Tender Touch.

At one stage I did venture outside to try to find a place to stay but with the water flowing over the footpath and visibility almost zero as night was falling it was not looking good.

Back at the bar, the other bus people had begun negotiating for rooms in the upstairs part of the establishment. Due to the rain, patronage was low so the bar people agreed. We took a room as well.

Fortunately it was hot and also, we had sleeping sheets and self inflating matresses so at least we felt only a bit queezy sleeping there.

The worst thing was that the rain stopped at about 10PM and there was a sudden bump in business being done in the place as the regulars came out from their haunts to take up the services on offer.

Those places have very thin walls.

That night we slept with one eye open and at about 5AM (when things were still going bump in the night) we rolled up our kits and made our way to the railway station for the first ticket out of town.

One night in Bangkok was enough for me at that point in time.





We have been back a couple of times since and we chose slightly nicer accommodation. Gee, on one trip we actually worked out how to catch a bus and actually get to our chosen destination.
 
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Thought about starting a thread like this before S.O S. Well done.

Travelling through lndo in 1986. Started in Bali and worked our way to Jakarta after about 2 months. Of course we'd partied in Bali like it was 1999 but once we got to Muslim Java we took a back seat and just drank Anker & Bintang.

Ended up staying with a huge family in the suburbs of Jak.who had an assortment of son's and son-in-laws. Naturally one of them enjoyed a choof and we set about ending the drought and went out to purchase said supplies. We ended up at a local spot with a mate of his in his new BMW ( son of a GOLKAR party member )
So pull up, transaction takes place and we start to pull away when local constabulary decide that a clean-up was necessary. Spend the next 20 mins or so racing at 140km around what was the relatively quiet toll roads at 2 in the morning avoiding detection.
Ah, the folly and stupidity of youth.

Hoj at this stage had a ponytail and earrings for his trek through S.E Asia. In lndo you could only get a 3 month tourist visa and l had a ticket booked to Malaysia and K.L. for a weekend then return to Jak. But in the interim Barlowe & Chambers had been executed in Malaysia for trafficking.
Hoj went the short back and sides, removed earrings, black slacks with crisp white shirt for his weekend in K.L.

Never had long hair since 👍
 
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In Pokhara, Nepal (does that count as SE Asia?) in August 1986, the amoebic dysentery I somehow picked up hitching from Lhasa to Kathmandu culminated in me visiting the gentleman's rest room (sometimes heavily disguised as my own trousers) 37 times in one day. I had met a mate from Perth in Kathmandu - he'd travelled overland through Indo, Thailand, Burma, Bangladesh and I'd come overland from Hong Kong through China and the formerly independent, now invaded and occupied mystical, magnificent land of Tibet, and we had a great reunion, despite the fact my anus was, by that time, hanging uncomfortably round my knees.

We were staying in a small, rustic guesthouse, lakeside, having the time of our lives under the shadow of the (largely obscured by cloud) Annapurna range. My mate also developed a stomach complaint, and the night before we were bussing back to Kathmandu he and I were up every 10 minutes, it seemed, rushing off in turn to 'powder our noses' in explosive fashion, which involved going down some rickety stairs, across a small garden to the outdoor loo. It was peak monsoon, the rain thundered down all night, so loud on the tin roof you had to shout to be heard, the rocky track running past the guesthouse down to the lake was a torrent, and the air outside was more water than air.....

When dawn came I'd finally managed to have an hour or so uninterrupted sleep but was woken by my mate standing at the base of my bed telling me we had to start getting sorted for the bus. Next minute he began shitting uncontrollably, dancing from foot to foot, naked, at the base of my bed, shouting, 'I can't stop it!' while the shit spurted forth with such velocity and volume that it was bouncing up off the floor onto the wall behind him. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Despite my pained predicament I laughed so hard - my mate actually joined in briefly - that I may have soiled myself slightly too.

Anyway, after mopping his diarrhoea up to the best of our ability and swallowing some Lomotil tablets to hopefully get us to Kathmandu without further accident/incident I reached under my pillow for my money belt and....it was gone! Somehow, in the middle of the monsoon of all monsoons, with the two room occupants getting up constantly to stagger to the dunny, some bastard had come in and stolen my money, passport et al. Hats off to that thief!

Whenever I see my mate and we have a few beers out come all the old war stories (we went on to overland it across northern India, up to Kashmir, down through Rajasthan to Goa over the next 4 months) the great Pokhara dancing shit always gets us cracking up. Not so funny was the drama of getting a replacement passport without any ID - the Aust consulate in Kathmandu issued a temporary 3 month passport and I had to get ID sent from Australia to New Delhi - this was back in the day, for you kiddies, when making an international phone call on the subcontinent could take a whole day - and untold buggerising around replacing traveller's cheques (ask your grandparents) etc. When I finally had everything together, rather than issue a new passport the Australian embassy in New Delhi put an entry on the back page to say the passport was now fully valid for 5 years, but in the meantime every where I went (another 4 years of travelling) the passport control would open it up, see my emaciated photo - taken after 2 months of amoebic dysentery - and then pounce on the 3 month expiry date - your passport is expired! Once I was taken for questioning at Munich airport as a suspected drug smuggler given my dodgy passport and all the India/Nepal/Thailand/Indonesia stamps - they even contacted Interpol whilst I was under armed guard - and after i'd explained the whole passport saga - look at the back page, bitte - and told them I travelled so much because I was a travel writer the now-friendly copper waved me farewell saying, 'I suppose zis vill be ein chapter in your book!' Not likely, ya bastard, I'll be saving it for Bigfooty.

The end.
 
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PS. My German wife had come to pick me up at the airport with a little herbal surprise (I'd been in England for a month) and panicked when she saw me being hauled away by the cops and chucked the bag in a rubbish bin outside the terminal. I bin-dipped and rescued it upon release. All's well that ends well. :cool:
 
In china, qingdao, going back to the hotel with my soccer team after going to the night market and the bus suddenly stopped, the bus driver was holding us HOSTAGE.

HE LOCKED THE BUS AND WASNT GONNA LEAVE UNTIL HE GETS PAID. He was fully hectic yelling at the bossman. IT WAS SO SCARY

A couple days after we were at the shopping centre and 2 adults were fighting over a plastic chair in front of the ball pit, one guy was bleeding and an old lady pissed herself on the floor. All the children left the hall pit lol.

I also faked being Chinese
 
In Pokhara, Nepal (does that count as SE Asia?) in August 1986, the amoebic dysentery I somehow picked up hitching from Lhasa to Kathmandu culminated in me visiting the gentleman's rest room (sometimes heavily disguised as my own trousers) 37 times in one day. I had met a mate from Perth in Kathmandu - he'd travelled overland through Indo, Thailand, Burma, Bangladesh and I'd come overland from Hong Kong through China and the formerly independent, now invaded and occupied mystical, magnificent land of Tibet, and we had a great reunion, despite the fact my anus was, by that time, hanging uncomfortably round my knees.

We were staying in a small, rustic guesthouse, lakeside, having the time of our lives under the shadow of the (largely obscured by cloud) Annapurna range. My mate also developed a stomach complaint, and the night before we were bussing back to Kathmandu he and I were up every 10 minutes, it seemed, rushing off in turn to 'powder our noses' in explosive fashion, which involved going down some rickety stairs, across a small garden to the outdoor loo. It was peak monsoon, the rain thundered down all night, so loud on the tin roof you had to shout to be heard, the rocky track running past the guesthouse down to the lake was a torrent, and the air outside was more water than air.....

When dawn came I'd finally managed to have an hour or so uninterrupted sleep but was woken by my mate standing at the base of my bed telling me we had to start getting sorted for the bus. Next minute he began shitting uncontrollably, dancing from foot to foot, naked, at the base of my bed, shouting, 'I can't stop it!' while the sh*t spurted forth with such velocity and volume that it was bouncing up off the floor onto the wall behind him. It was the funniest thing I've ever seen in my life. Despite my pained predicament I laughed so hard - my mate actually joined in briefly - that I may have soiled myself slightly too.

Anyway, after mopping his diarrhoea up to the best of our ability and swallowing some Lomotil tablets to hopefully get us to Kathmandu without further accident/incident I reached under my pillow for my money belt and....it was gone! Somehow, in the middle of the monsoon of all monsoons, with the two room occupants getting up constantly to stagger to the dunny, some bastard had come in and stolen my money, passport et al. Hats off to that thief!

Whenever I see my mate and we have a few beers out come all the old war stories (we went on to overland it across northern India, up to Kashmir, down through Rajasthan to Goa over the next 4 months) the great Pokhara dancing sh*t always gets us cracking up. Not so funny was the drama of getting a replacement passport without any ID - the Aust consulate in Kathmandu issued a temporary 3 month passport and I had to get ID sent from Australia to New Delhi - this was back in the day, for you kiddies, when making an international phone call on the subcontinent could take a whole day - and untold buggerising around replacing traveller's cheques (ask your grandparents) etc. When I finally had everything together, rather than issue a new passport the Australian embassy in New Delhi put an entry on the back page to say the passport was now fully valid for 5 years, but in the meantime every where I went (another 4 years of travelling) the passport control would open it up, see my emaciated photo - taken after 2 months of amoebic dysentery - and then pounce on the 3 month expiry date - your passport is expired! Once I was taken for questioning at Munich airport as a suspected drug smuggler given my dodgy passport and all the India/Nepal/Thailand/Indonesia stamps - they even contacted Interpol whilst I was under armed guard - and after i'd explained the whole passport saga - look at the back page, bitte - and told them I travelled so much because I was a travel writer the now-friendly copper waved me farewell saying, 'I suppose zis vill be ein chapter in your book!' Not likely, ya bastard, I'll be saving it for Bigfooty.

The end.
A friend of mine from many years back is a travel writer. This is a snapshot from his book, No Shitting In The Toilet...

IMG_20220219_201720.jpg

Anyone wanting a humorous travel book, his name is Peter Moore (not the Brownlow medalist).
 
In china, qingdao, going back to the hotel with my soccer team after going to the night market and the bus suddenly stopped, the bus driver was holding us HOSTAGE.

HE LOCKED THE BUS AND WASNT GONNA LEAVE UNTIL HE GETS PAID. He was fully hectic yelling at the bossman. IT WAS SO SCARY

A couple days after we were at the shopping centre and 2 adults were fighting over a plastic chair in front of the ball pit, one guy was bleeding and an old lady pissed herself on the floor. All the children left the hall pit lol.

I also faked being Chinese
My first experience of China was after spending a few days in KL where we had a stop-over. On our last night we went to an Asian food festival. I was probably trying too hard, but instead of going safe like my wife and son, I ate a few things from various stalls and I can recall saying that one or two items had a bit of a strange flavour - maybe it was an unfamiliar spice (or maybe it was just off). But Gee, something had gone through me like a ton of bricks.

Anyway, we were staying in a swanky hotel and we had to be up early for the flight to Shanghai.

My night was interrupted a bit by a few calls of nature, but after breakfast, when our driver finally picked us up I was kinda feeling OK. Just.

We hurtled to the airport as the driver was late - we were rushed through immigration without even leaving the golf cart and we just made it onto the flight. During the trip I was kinda feeling OK. Just.

We cleared customs in Shanghai and I must say, by then there was a certain gurgling feeling. I was keeping it in. Just.

I did reach a toilet at the airport and spent more than a goodly amount of time collecting my thoughts. We had a driver waiting for us as we had a relative who was managing a law firm - their chauffeur had been sent to to pick us up. He would mostly be picking up mining magnates and business moguls I guess. Anyway, in the limo heading towards the city I was not feeling too good. I had to ask for a toilet stop - anywhere. Urgently. We were passing Shell petrol stations every 100m but he wasn't having any of that. He called his office and through the interpreter I asked for the driver to get me to a toilet. The interpreter told him what I wanted and gave directions to a hotel, and she also called the hotel to let them know I was coming.

We pulled up. Several men rushed to the car, opened the door and led me through the lobby into the most magnificent looking bathroom I have ever seen. I was politely (but hastily) ushered to the toilet by about three bell boys who then stood guard. And when the door closed, I noticed to my horror that it was a transparent glass door!

Then, an amazing event - the glass in the door became translucent, fading to become completely opaque. It was an electronic LCD screen!!!

I could not look any of the bellboys in the eye on my way out and although I felt somewhat obliged, I had no cash to tip the guy standing there with the mop and bucket.

At least by the time I got to our relative's house I was kinda feeling OK again.

One thing we did in Shanghai... We went to Ikea. I kid you not.
 

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Going back to 2003 and I was responsible for a stand at a trade fair in Shanghai, a task that proved beyond my ability and maturity at that time of my life. Thinking the final day would be easy, I went out late the night before and reported for duty an hour after the trade show had opened to the public, to find a distraught chinese man arguing with the police on "my" stand. I asked what was happening and was told the "distraught" man had paid a large sum of money to buy all the product on the stand and the "stand owner" had gone off to get the official receipts. That was about 45 minutes ago and by this time the "stand owner" had not returned, and my arrival had just confirmed the dawning realisation that he had been outwitted by his countryman......
 
Thought about starting a thread like this before S.O S. Well done.

Travelling through lndo in 1986. Started in Bali and worked our way to Jakarta after about 2 months. Of course we'd partied in Bali like it was 1999 but once we got to Muslim Java we took a back seat and just drank Anker & Bintang.

Ended up staying with a huge family in the suburbs of Jak.who had an assortment of son's and son-in-laws. Naturally one of them enjoyed a choof and we set about ending the drought and went out to purchase said supplies. We ended up at a local spot with a mate of his in his new BMW ( son of a GOLKAR party member )
So pull up, transaction takes place and we start to pull away when local constabulary decide that a clean-up was necessary. Spend the next 20 mins or so racing at 140km around what was the relatively quiet toll roads at 2 in the morning avoiding detection.
Ah, the folly and stupidity of youth.

Hoj at this stage had a ponytail and earrings for his trek through S.E Asia. In lndo you could only get a 3 month tourist visa and l had a ticket booked to Malaysia and K.L. for a weekend then return to Jak. But in the interim Barlowe & Chambers had been executed in Malaysia for trafficking.
Hoj went the short back and sides, removed earrings, black slacks with crisp white shirt for his weekend in K.L.

Never had long hair since 👍
In 1989 I went to Jakarta on a trip that began in Malaysia, and was to end up in Bali before returning home. We got to Jakarta, staying in the spare room of a family (homestay = Airbnb of the 1980's). I called my mate a couple of times but his mum or dad answered and they didn't speak any English so it took a couple of days to connect as he was not expecting a visitor from Australia.

Anyway, over that time we trekked around the city and the harbour. The old part of Batavia was quite nice and the harbour was interesting - the old Phinisi ships that ply the indo trade routes were still operating.

1645344684200.png

The journey to the harbour took us through some genuine Jakarta slums and across some bridges - the rivers that run into the harbour are seriously the most polluted waterways that I can possibly imagine. The water was black (where it was visible) and the amount of crap that floated on the surface was barely imaginable. It genuinely caused us distress to see this first hand, even though we had spent quite a bit of time in Southeast Asia already.

1645344894178.png

In the end, the air was causing us to have breathing difficulties and after just one day walking around, when we sipped our day packs off the contrast in colour between the parts of our shirts that were covered by the straps compared to the parts that were exposed to the air was unbelievable.

This isn't a funny story - just recalling something that was indelibly etched into my brain and something that makes me appreciate where I live today.

In the end, we scarpered from Jakarta before seeing my mate. We tried to catch a bus to Bogor (the hometown of another friend) but there had been a serious crash involving a bus on the mountain pass early that morning and the road was closed so we ended up on a train. It seems that is a bit of a theme to our trips - escape the cities by whatever means possible.
 
In a taxi with work colleagues in Delhi, India, in a crushing traffic gridlock and totally stationary. A bike goes past, scraping the handlebars down the entire side of the taxi. Our driver jumps out and him and the bike rider start arguing and suddenly they are strangling each other. Absolute full on hands round the neck with deadly intent.

My co workers and I look at each other and wonder who will take over driving duties.

Luckily after about 5 mins they sorted it out and none of us had to drive.
 

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Autopsy One night in Bangkok (Travel tales - true and/or exagerated - to far flung places)

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