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A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
 
Julia Gillard touring the countryside in a chauffeur-driven car.
Suddenly, a cow jumps out onto the road, they hit it full on and the car
comes to a stop.

Julia in her usual charming manner says to the chauffeur:
'You get out and check - you were driving. '
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
'You were driving; go and tell the farmer, ' says Julia.

Five hours later, the chauffeur returns totally plastered, hair ruffled
with a big grin on his face.
'My god, what happened to you? 'asks Julia.
The chauffeur replies: ' When I got there, the farmer opened his best
bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter
made love to me. '

'What on earth did you say? 'Asks Julia.
'I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them:
'I'm Julia Gillard's chauffeur and I've just killed the cow.'
 

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A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."


"Oh ..... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
 
There was this bloke, he was in so much pain, everywhere he touched himself it hurt like hell.
So he goes to the doctor and he tells the doc. “I’m in so much pain doc, I touch myself on the knee, ouch, it hurts like hell, I touch myself on top of my head, ouch, it hurts like hell, I touch myself on the elbow, ouch, it hurts hell”.
The Doc. Say’s this looks very serious, we’d better do some x-rays.
He comes back half an hour later and tells the bloke he has a broken finger.
 
The teacher tells the class “I am going to draw an animal on the blackboard; I want one of you to tell me what kind of animal it is, and what the animal say’s”.
She draws a lion, and all the class sticks there hand up. “Marie, could you tell me what kind of animal that is”? The teacher says.
“That is a lion miss” answers Marie.
“Very good Marie, now what does a lion say” asks the teacher.
“Roar, miss” replies Marie.
“Very good Marie”
She draws a snake, and everyone sticks there hand up.
“Tom, could you tell me what kind of animal that is”?
“That is a snake Miss”.
“Very good Tom, now what does a snake say”?
“Hiss, Miss” Says Tom.
“That’s right Tom, very good”
She draws a pig, being city kids, they have never seen a pig before, so nobody except little Johnny sticks their hand up.
“Little Johnny could you tell me what that animal is”? The teacher reluctantly asks.
“That is a pig” little Johnny replies.
“Very good Johnny” the teacher says with relief all over her face.
“Now Johnny what does a pig say”?
“Stick em up MOTHER ****ER
 
:thumbsu:
LoungeLizard said:
A TRUE AUSSIE BLOKE

It's the AFL Grand Final and a man makes his way to his seat right on the Wing He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty.

He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there.

"No," says the neighbour. "The seat is empty"

"This is incredible", said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for AFL Grand final and not use it?"

The neighbour says "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first AFL Grand Final we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967."


"Oh ..... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbour to take the seat?"

The man shakes his head "No, they're all at the funeral."
Click to expand...
 
Paddy comes to OZ, he is 35 years old and never had a job, he goes from country town to country town looking for work.
Finally he finds a job in a milk factory; he is to start work at 7.00 am the next day.
So he now has to find somewhere to stay, so he goes from house to house asking if they have accommodation, at around midnight, he knocks on this one door, the lady of the house answers the door, Paddy asks if she could put him up for the night, as he has to start work at 7.
She tells Paddy that he can stay in the attic, but he has to share with three aborigines.
Paddy agrees.
So he goes up to the attic, introduces himself, then tells the aborigines that he starts his first job the next morning at 7, excuses himself and goes to bed.
During the night the aborigines get together and agree that they can’t have a white man living in the attic with them, so they nugget Paddy black, all over, while he sleeps.
They wake Paddy up at 6:30am.
Paddy has a long way to get to work, so he jumps out of bed, gets dressed, and flies down the stairs and out the door, and off he runs.
He has to run through the main street, you know early in the morning how glass windows look like mirrors, well Paddy is running flat out down the street, he glances into a window and stops dead in his tracks, and says,
“Jesus Christ I think they’ve woke up the wrong bloke”
 
LoungeLizard said:
Paddy comes to OZ, he is 35 years old and never had a job, he goes from country town to country town looking for work.
Finally he finds a job in a milk factory; he is to start work at 7.00 am the next day.
So he now has to find somewhere to stay, so he goes from house to house asking if they have accommodation, at around midnight, he knocks on this one door, the lady of the house answers the door, Paddy asks if she could put him up for the night, as he has to start work at 7.
She tells Paddy that he can stay in the attic, but he has to share with three aborigines.
Paddy agrees.
So he goes up to the attic, introduces himself, then tells the aborigines that he starts his first job the next morning at 7, excuses himself and goes to bed.
During the night the aborigines get together and agree that they can’t have a white man living in the attic with them, so they nugget Paddy black, all over, while he sleeps.
They wake Paddy up at 6:30am.
Paddy has a long way to get to work, so he jumps out of bed, gets dressed, and flies down the stairs and out the door, and off he runs.
He has to run through the main street, you know early in the morning how glass windows look like mirrors, well Paddy is running flat out down the street, he glances into a window and stops dead in his tracks, and says,
“Jesus Christ I think they’ve woke up the wrong bloke”
Click to expand...

Ha ha, choked on my tea reading this. :thumbsu::D
 
Here is a riddle for the true intellectual.
Try to come up with the answer on your own.
The answer is at the end for those who are unable to think this one through.


Here's the riddle: At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two skyscrapers at the 85th floor. The other is getting a blow job from an 85-year-old toothless woman.
They are both thinking the exact same thing.
What are they both thinking?

















































DON"T LOOK DOWN!!!
 
An old stockman sat down in a city MacDonald's and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.

She turned to the stockman and asked, 'Are you a real stockman?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking-in horse, droving cattle, riding in rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, marking and branding calves, cleaning hay sheds, fixing flats, working on tractors and feeding my dogs, so, yeah, I guess I am a stockman.'

She said, well I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old stockman and asked, 'Are you a real stockman, like, from the outback?'

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
Bucking Frilliant !
​
Another piece of british humour!!!!!

Superb - - it needs to be read and carefully to be appreciated!!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a s******, though goodness knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC TV received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
 
An old Italian lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard.His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over.. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.
Love,
Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Pop,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you, Vinnie.
 

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An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress... The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'

'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.

'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin jaysus, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I' m sittin here, I'll never be able to show me face in Macdonalds again!'

 
LoungeLizard said:
There was an Aussie, a Kiwi, a Scotsman and a Cuban, all were out in the ocean, in a boat, fishing.
After about an hour of catching nothing the Cuban opened his bag, pulled out a massive Cuban cigar, lit it, took one drag, then threw it overboard, all the others looked in disbelief and asked, “why would you do that, they are worth a fortune”?
The Cuban replies, “where I come from there are millions of them”.
Another hour goes by, the Scotsman opens his bag, he pulls out a bottle of pure Scotch whiskey, opens the bottle, takes a sip, then throws the bottle overboard. “What did you do that for, they are worth a fortune” the others gasp.
“Where I come from, there are millions of them” replies the Scotsman.
An hour later the Aussie stood up and threw the Kiwi overboard.
Click to expand...
thata a good one :D
 
At his meeting with Queen Elizabeth recently, Kevin Rudd turned to the Queen and said:

As I'm the Prime Minister, I'm thinking of changing how my great country is referred to, and I'm thinking that it should be a Kingdom."

The Queen replied, "I'm sorry Mr. Rudd, but to be a Kingdom, you have to have a King in charge - and you're not a King."

Kevin Rudd thought a while and then said: "How about a Principality then?"

To which the Queen replied, "Again, to be a Principality you have to be a Prince - and you're not a Prince, Mr. Rudd."

Rudd thought long and hard and came up with "How about an Empire then?"

The Queen, getting a little annoyed by now, replied : "Sorry again, Mr.Rudd, but to be an Empire you must have an Emperor in charge - and you are not an Emperor."

Before Rudd could utter another word, The Queen said: "I think you're doing quite nicely as a Country."
 
This bloke is trying to get his elderly dad, out of his house, to go into a nursing home. But his dad will have none of it.
So he asks his dad to just go down and have a look, if he doesn’t like the look of it, then he can come home and that will be that.
So they drive down to the nursing home, they meet the nurse in charge, and she shows them around.
The son then asks his dad what he thinks, his dad still isn’t too thrilled about the idea, but said the place looked alright.
His son says that he could come down stay for a day and a night and then make up his mind, his dad agrees.
So the next day the son takes his dad back to the nursing home, the female nurse is putting one of those robes with no back in them, on the old bloke, when he bars up, the nurse looks down and says, “we can’t let that go to waste, can we”, and she hops on.
That night the old blokes hears the dinner bell, he walks out of his room, and falls flat on his face in the hallway, a male nurse walks up and says, “ we can’t let that go to waste, can we”, and he jumps on.
The next day the son comes to see how everything went, his dad tells him, “well the female nurse was putting a robe on me, I barred up, and she jumped on, then when I was going to dinner I fell flat on my face and the male nurse jumped on”.
“Well you have to take the good with the bad, dad” the son replies.
And his dad answers, “yes son, but I only bar up once a year, I fall over three times a day”.
 
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day,
and all the patients were shouting, '13...13...13...13...13.'

The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on.....

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick!

Then they all started shouting '14....14....14'...
 
Re: Lame Pearler

topjars said:
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.' How are
you grandpa?' he asks.

'Feeling fine,' says the old man.

'What's the food like?'

'Terrific, wonderful menus.'

'And the nursing?'

'Just couldn't be better. The young nurses really take care of you.'

'What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?'

'No problem at all -- nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock
they bring me a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet . And that's
it. I go out like a light.'

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes
off to question the nurse in charge.

'What are you people doing?' he says. 'I am told you are giving an
85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?'

'Oh, yes,' replied the nurse. 'Every night at 10 o'clock we give him
a cup of hot chocolate & a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.
The chocolate makes him sleep...and the Viagra stops him from rolling
out of bed.'
Click to expand...
Classic :D
 
Old Timer Sex




The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'

OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing; I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them,' Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'
 

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