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The Seven dwarfs go to the Vatican, and because they are The Seven Dwarfs, they are immediately ushered in to see the Pope.
Grumpy leads the pack.


"Grumpy, my son," says the Pope, "What can I do for you?"


Grumpy asks, "Excuse me your Holiness, but are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"


The Pope wrinkled his brow at the odd question, thought for a moment and answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."


In the background, a few of the dwarfs started giggling.


Grumpy turned around and glared, silencing them.


Grumpy turned back, "Your Worship, are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"


The Pope, puzzled now, again thought for a moment and then answered, "No, Grumpy, there are no dwarf nuns in Europe."


This time, all of the other dwarfs burst into laughter.


Once again, Grumpy turned around and silenced them with an angry glare.


Grumpy turned back and said, "Mr. Pope! Are there ANY dwarf nuns anywhere in the world?"


The Pope, really confused by the questions said, "I'm sorry, my son, truly there are no dwarf nuns anywhere in the world."


ALL the other dwarfs collapsed into a heap, rolling and laughing; pounding the floor, tears rolling down their cheeks, as they begin chanting ...



"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
"Grumpy shagged a penguin!"
 
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “why in the world would you want to buy cyanide?”
The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he explained, “lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband, that’s against the law, Ill lose my licence! They’ll throw us both in jail! All kind of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide.
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband and the pharmacist’s wife in bed together.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and said. “You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
 
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
 

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Black
Testicles...

A male patient is lying
in bed in the hospital,
wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and
nose, still
heavily sedated from a difficult four hour,
surgical
procedure A young student nurse appears to give him
a
partial sponge bath.

Nurse', he mumbles, from
behind the mask 'Are my
testicles black?'

Embarrassed, the young
nurse replies 'I don't know,
Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper
body and feet.'
He struggles to ask again, 'Nurse, are my
testicles
black?'

Concerned that he may
elevate his vitals from worry
about his testicles, she overcomes her
embarrassment
and sheepishly pulls back the
covers.

She raises his gown,
holds his penis in one hand and
his testicles in the other, lifting
and moving them
around.

Then, she takes a close
look and says, 'There's
nothing wrong with them, Sir
!!'

The man pulls off his
oxygen mask, smiles at her and
says very
slowly,
'Thank you very much.
That was wonderful, but listen
very, very
closely......



' A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? '
 
LoungeLizard said:
Two radical Arab terrorists boarded a flight out of London.

One took a window seat and the other sat next to him in the middle seat.. Just before takeoff, a rabbi sat down in the aisle seat.

After takeoff the rabbi kicked his shoes off, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said, 'I need to get up and get a coke.' 'Don't get up,' said the rabbi, 'I'm in the aisle seat, I'll get it for you.'

As soon as he left, one of the Arabs picked up the rabbi's shoe and spat in it. When the Rabbi returned with the coke, the other Arab said, 'That looks good. I'd really like one, too.'

Again, the rabbi obligingly went to fetch it. While he was gone the other Arab picked up the rabbi`s other shoe and spat in it.

When the rabbi returned, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the rabbi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

He leaned over and asked his Arab neighbours:

'Why does it have to be this way?

'How long must this go on?

'This fighting between our nations?

'This hatred?

'This animosity?

'This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?'
Click to expand...


HAHAHAHAHA
that's gold
 
LoungeLizard said:
Bucking Frilliant !

Another piece of british humour!!!!!

Superb - - it needs to be read and carefully to be appreciated!!

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a s******, though goodness knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC TV received not one complaint.

The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.
Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.
Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks,so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!
Click to expand...

Ronnie Barker was way way better than that. I can get any Ronnie Barker sketch that I can think of on youtube but not that which leads me to think that it is an inferior attempt at Ronnie Barker style comedy without the class that he brought to bare.

It is smutty and average.

Ronnie Barker was not smutty and way above average.
 
JimDocker said:
Ronnie Barker was way way better than that. I can get any Ronnie Barker sketch that I can think of on youtube but not that which leads me to think that it is an inferior attempt at Ronnie Barker style comedy without the class that he brought to bare.

It is smutty and average.

Ronnie Barker was not smutty and way above average.
Click to expand...

I got it emailed to me, just thought I'd share it on here.
Sorry if you got offended, maybe you could tell me what i should and shouldn't put on here in the future so as not to offend anyone else.
http://www.stvincentsandyford.ik.com/gallery/679377520.ikml
Easy to find, I just googled it.
 
LoungeLizard said:
I got it emailed to me, just thought I'd share it on here.
Sorry if you got offended, maybe you could tell me what i should and shouldn't put on here in the future so as not to offend anyone else.
http://www.stvincentsandyford.ik.com/gallery/679377520.ikml
Easy to find, I just googled it.
Click to expand...

I was not offended by the content. I would just hate people to believe that Ronnie Barker did that when it is very average and well below the high standards of comedic genius that he set.

I just clicked on your link. It is just another uninformed person claiming that it is Ronnie Barker, just as it says on hundreds of web sites. It does not make it true. If you find me a youtube of Ronnie Barker syaing the original script that you said, I will apologise, but I doubt you will find it.

Try this link. It was originally done in the 30s.

http://fun-with-words.com/prinderella.html
 
JimDocker said:
I was not offended by the content. I would just hate people to believe that Ronnie Barker did that when it is very average and well below the high standards of comedic genius that he set.

I just clicked on your link. It is just another uninformed person claiming that it is Ronnie Barker, just as it says on hundreds of web sites. It does not make it true. If you find me a youtube of Ronnie Barker syaing the original script that you said, I will apologise, but I doubt you will find it.

Try this link. It was originally done in the 30s.

http://fun-with-words.com/prinderella.html
Click to expand...

Whatever
 
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming
around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.

The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.

He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned
to his class.

Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.

She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part'
hanging out.

'I thought you were told to call your mum!' she said.

'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come
and pick me up from school.
 
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Lebanon.
Two million Lebanese have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where to start with providing help to rebuild.
The rest of the world is in shock.
The United States is sending troops to help.
Saudi Arabia is sending oil.
Latin American countries are sending supplies.
The small island country New Zealand is sending sheep, cattle and food crops. The European community (except France) is sending money. The Asian continents are sending labour to assist in rebuilding infrastructure.
The Australians, not to be outdone, are sending two million replacement Lebanese.
God Bless Our Aussie generosity.
 
An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the 86-year-old said ,
'Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 yr-old bride who is pregnant with my child.'

'So what do you think about that Doc ?'

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

'I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.'

One day he was setting off to go hunting.

In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.'

'As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge.

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle, and went 'bang, bang'..'

'Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead..

Now, what do you think of that ?' asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said, 'Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.'

The doctor replied, 'My point exactly.;)'
 

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JimDocker said:
I was not offended by the content. I would just hate people to believe that Ronnie Barker did that when it is very average and well below the high standards of comedic genius that he set.

I just clicked on your link. It is just another uninformed person claiming that it is Ronnie Barker, just as it says on hundreds of web sites. It does not make it true. If you find me a youtube of Ronnie Barker syaing the original script that you said, I will apologise, but I doubt you will find it.

Try this link. It was originally done in the 30s.

http://fun-with-words.com/prinderella.html
Click to expand...

I'm an old bastard and I saw Ronnie Barker do the rindecella skit on Two Ronnies show many years ago ... so ?????
 
nivek48 said:
I'm an old bastard and I saw Ronnie Barker do the rindecella skit on Two Ronnies show many years ago ... so ?????
Click to expand...

I would suggest so old that it has affected your memory.

The Rindercella skit has been done by dozens of comedians in many forms. I would bet a substantial fee that the Rindercella skit that that Ronnie Barker did was quite different to the text that has been suggested.

He was much better than that.
 
JimDocker said:
I would suggest so old that it has affected your memory.

The Rindercella skit has been done by dozens of comedians in many forms. I would bet a substantial fee that the Rindercella skit that that Ronnie Barker did was quite different to the text that has been suggested.

He was much better than that.
Click to expand...

Hey Dim Focker is it Ronnie barker or Bonnie F**ker?
 
JimDocker said:
I would suggest so old that it has affected your memory.

The Rindercella skit has been done by dozens of comedians in many forms. I would bet a substantial fee that the Rindercella skit that that Ronnie Barker did was quite different to the text that has been suggested.

He was much better than that.
Click to expand...

ah i get you ... sorry - i thought you were saying he never did it at all ... carry on

:D:thumbsu:
 
Probably been done...

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday
afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get
them thinking.

"Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person
to tell me who said that quote,can have Monday off" said the teacher.
"Who is credited with writing the phrase "To be or not to be.
That is The question," asked the teacher.

Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out,
"Shakespeare".
"Well done!" said the teacher, "You can have Monday off .
"No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture
to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying
hard,"
Said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.

"Well okay," said the teacher. The next quote is, "I had a dream!"
Little Li Sum Koh also at the front yelled out "I bereiva it was
Martin Ruther King!"
"Well done!" said the teacher. "You can have Monday off"
"No thanka you miss. I am of Chinese oligin and we also do not take
Time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on
Monday studying hard too," said little Li Sum Koh.
"Okay," said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, "Bloody
Asians!"
"Who said that?" yelled the teacher in an angry tone.

"Pauline Hanson!" yelled little Johnny. "See ya Tuesday !!!"
 
[FONT=&quot]NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation..

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] 'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady ,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi .'

[/FONT]
 
LoungeLizard said:
[FONT=&quot]NO SPEAKAH DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and
engage in an animated conversation..

The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[/FONT][FONT=&quot] 'Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more,

'You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig!' she retorted
indignantly. 'In this country, we don't speak aloud in
public places about our sex lives!'

'Hey, coola down lady ,' said the man. 'Who talkin'
abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
' Mississippi .'

[/FONT]
Click to expand...
Brilliant.:thumbsu:
 
[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
The Vicar's Salary

At Sunday church the local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.

There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave because he is so popular.

Fred Smith, who owns several car dealerships in Southland and Otago, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says,
'If the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education of his children!'

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile,
'If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex.'

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her:
'Mrs. Jones, you're a wonderful and holy lady, whatever possessed you to say that?'

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, '**** him'.
 
[FONT=&quot]A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[FONT=&quot]This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your lumber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, August 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. Then on September 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So tell your friends to be careful.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

[FONT=&quot]P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each[/FONT][/FONT]
 
Ethel[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
loved to charge around the nursing home, taking[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
speed on the long corridors.

Because the[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
the other residents tolerated her and some of[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
them actually joined[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]in.[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]One[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with
his arm outstretched. 'STOP!,' he shouted in a[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
hall.

As she took the corner near the TV[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag,[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
him.. Harold nodded and said 'On your way,[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
Ma'am.'

As Ethel neared the final[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know-[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled[FONT=&quot] [/FONT]
Ethel, 'Not that Damn[FONT=&quot] Breathalyzer[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Test[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]
again.!!!'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot][/FONT]
 
LoungeLizard said:
[FONT=&quot]A warning for those of you who may be regular Bunnings customers.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]This one caught me by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.[/FONT][/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Here's how the scam works: Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your lumber and hardware. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to McDonald's. You agree and they get in the backseat.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the way, they remove all of their clothes and start making out. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you. She then takes off your pants and throws them into the backseat. While the one is keeping you distracted the other one steals your wallet.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]I had my wallet stolen July 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, then again on the 17th, 20th, 24th & 29th. Also, August 1st, 7th, twice on the 8th, and again on the 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th. Then on September 6th, 11th, 14th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]So tell your friends to be careful.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot][FONT=&quot]P.S. Target has wallets on sale $2.99 each[/FONT][/FONT]
Click to expand...

This is perhaps the first joke in the thread I've never heard before, it is truly brilliant
 

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