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A drover from a huge cattle station in the outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.

"Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked.

"Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.:rolleyes:

"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales, I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila.
I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed bikie and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of the lot of ya".
St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" ;) "A couple of minutes ago."

 
I asked 100 women what their favourite shampoo brand was, and the overwhelming response was
'Who are you? Get the **** out of my bathroom!'
 
By the time the sailor pulled into a little town every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."
"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past.
I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."
"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning, the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy tailed. "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager. "Never better." The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" "Nope. I shut him up in no time," said the Navy guy.
"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager.
"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight beautiful,'
...and he sat up all night watching me.
 
As my wife lay there, handcuffed to the bed, covered in semen with a buttplug hanging out of her anus, two things occurred to me.

Firstly since I took her virginity all those years ago, she had become more uninhibited in the bedroom than I could have ever anticipated.

Secondly, she had clearly forgotten that I was going to be home early
 

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Little Johnny is at school, and his teacher says:

"Today I will say a word and I want you to use it in a sentence. Today's word is 'contagious'".

Penny puts her hand up and says "My cousin has the chicken pox, so he has to stay home cos he is contagious".

"Very good" says the teacher. "Who else?"

Little Johnny is busting out of his seat to answer, so the teacher says "yes Johnny, what is your sentence?"

So Johnny stands up and replies:

"My neighbour had 10 tonne of firewood dumped on his front lawn yesterday. My dad said it will take the c*** ages to pick it all up!"
 
A penguin was driving down the main street of Darwin when his car starts to overheat. He pulls into the local mechanic and asks if he can take a look at it for him.

"No worries" says the mechanic, "but i've got a lot of work on so will be at least an hour before I can look at it".

So the penguin waddles off, and being a very hot day, decides to stop and buy a soft service ice cream. Now, penguins generally have trouble eating soft serve so by the time he got back to the mechanic he had ice cream all round his mouth.

"Any luck?" he asked the mechanic.

The mechanic looked out from under the bonnet and said "looks like you've blown a seal!"

"No" said the penguin. "I just had an ice cream"
 
A Jamaican fireman named Clarence came home from work one day and said to his wife....

Y'know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station.
Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets.
Bell 2 rings - we Slide Down de pole.
Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we's ready to go.

So from now on, when I say...

'Bell one' I want you to strip naked.
'Bell two' you jump on de bed.
'Bell tree', we's Gonna mek love all tru de night."

The next night he came home and shouted....
"Bell One' and she stripped naked.
'Bell Two' and she jumped on the bed.
'Bell Tree' and they started to make love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled out "Bell Four".

Clarence said "What de hell is 'Bell Four'?"

She said: "Roll out more hose, mon, you aint nowhere near de fire."
 
A Lady goes on a vacation to Jamacia.
Upon arriving, she meets a man, & after a night of passionate love making she asks him "What is your name?"
"I cant tell you" he replies.
Every night they meet she keeps asking him for his name & he always responds the same, he cant tell her.
On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me your name?"
"I cant tell you my name because you will laugh at me" says the man.
There is no reason for me to laugh at you" the lady says.
"Fine my name is Snow!" he replies
And the lady burst into laughter and the man gets mad and says, "I knew you would laugh & make fun of it"
The lady replies, "I'm not making fun of your name, I'm thinking of my husband who wont beleive me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow every day in Jamacia!!
 
Three emergency service workers are down to the last round of millionaire with Eddie (Everwhere) McQuire. Scores are tied and Eddie reads the last question:

The wineer will be the one who can count to ten:

Eddie asks the Ambo to start:

1,2,3,4,5 breath ....... 1,2,3,4,5 breath.

Sorry says Eddie, great try but not quite there, next

The Police office stands up,

I'll go ..... 1,2,3,4,5,6 re load ...... 1,2,3,4,5,6 reload.

Sorry says Eddie, two down, last contestant it's up to you.

The fire fighter stands up,

"this will be easy ...... 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10"

Incredible says Eddie, fantastic effort, you made it to ten, first go, can you continue past ten

Sure ........ Jack, Queen, King Ace .........
 
You Might Be A Redneck Fire Department If...

Your department has ever had two emergency vehicles pulled over for drag racing to the scene.
You have naked lady mud flaps on your pumper.
Your firehouse has wheels.
You've ever gotten back and found out you locked yourselves out of the firehouse.
Fire training consists of everyone standing around a fire getting drunk.
You've ever let a person's house burn down because they wouldn't let you hunt on their land.
Your personal vehicle has more blue lights on it than your house has in it.
You've ever walked through a Christmas display and came up with more than one new ideas for a light scheme for your truck.
Your rescue truck can smoke the tires.
Your department's name is misspelled on the equipment.
Dispatch can't mention your companies name with out laughing.
The local news crew won't put your department on TV because you embarrassed them last time.
You've ever referred to a light bar as sweet.
Your defibrillator consists of a pair of jumper cables, a marine battery and a fish finder.
You've ever taken a girl on a date in a pumper.
Your pumper has been on fire more times than it has been to a fire.
Your pumper smokes more than the house fire.
You've ever been arrested for indecent exposure at a house fire.
The primary color of your company engines is "bondo".
Your new $500,000.00 ladder truck was custom ordered with a spit cup holder.
The Chief's car has a rag for a gas cap.
If your apparatus has NASCAR driver numbers on them.
Some of your 5" hard hose was converted into a fly fishing rod holder.
Before your apparatus leaves the station on a call, the senior officer says, "Gentlemen, start your engines.
The Assistant Chief's hunting dogs cost more than all the apparatus combined.
Fire fighters punishment consist of taking away their chewing tobacco.
Your apparatus has carbon monoxide detectors mounted INSIDE the cab.
You return from a fire with more junk than you responded with.
Your job shirts are "3X-Large" but should be "5X-Large".
 
Fire Escapes, How Do You Rank?

Chief
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to God.

Deputy Chief
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with God.

Regional Commander
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is faster than a speeding BB
Walks on water in an indoor swimming pool
Talks with God if special request is approved.

Group Officer
Barely clears a Quonset hut
Loses tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by God.

Deputy Group Officer
Makes high marks on the wall when trying to leap buildings
Is run over by a locomotive
Can sometimes handle a gun without inflicting self-injury
Dog paddles
Talks to animals

Captain
Runs into buildings
Recognises locomotive two out of three times
Is not issued ammunition
Can't stay afloat with a life preserver
Talks to walls.

Lieutenant
Falls over doorsteps when trying to enter buildings
Says, "Look at th choo-choo"
Wets himself with a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Mumbles to himself.

Firefighter
Lifts buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off the tracks
Catches speeding bullets in his teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
HE IS GOD!!!!!
 

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