Media Qooty Scran - A Journey Through The Culinary Delights Of Sweet Stadiums

[Tonga Bob]

Hello all and welcome to the resumption of an idea that formed the basis of the match thread opening posts from thirteenth round of the thirty seventh season of the Sweet FA. I’m your host Chef Bob coming to you from the stadiums of Sweet, continuing on a journey of discovery of all things scran.

“What the heck is scran anyway, Chef Bob?” I hear you type. A fair and relevant question it is too. It has a few different yet related meanings, but the most common one refers to food of questionable quality. Originating in the north of England and Scotland, it has been popularised in recent times when describing fast food served at sporting venues. Some are iconic - a pie at the 'G, strawberries & cream at Wimbledon or a souvlaki at a suburban soccer ground fresh off the spit. Others are... well, iconic for different reasons.

So join me as I uncover what's being served up in the various stadiums across Sweet. Bon Appétit, friends!​

 

[Pugsley]

Are we having chocolate, Bobby?

 

[Tonga Bob]

Are we having chocolate, Bobby?

We're having something mate.

 

[Pugsley]

We're having something mate.

I endorse this product. Being a round man, it only took me a few years of mistreatment.

 

[Tonga Bob]

The following is a collation of Chef Bob's Scran Ratings.

The Golden Throne


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The House Of Gumby

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[PhenomenalV1]

It's Beez season, isn't it?

 

[serial_thrilla]

It's Beez season, isn't it?

 

[Tonga Bob]

It's Beez season, isn't it?

Just takes me longer to wind up these days.

 

[damicky]

Why don’t you just call it food?

 

[Tonga Bob]

The Golden Throne



There’s a place to the north of Sweet called Golden Valley, and in Golden Valley is the Golden Throne. The Golden Throne is the home ground of the Gold City Royals. That’s a lot of gold by anyone’s estimation, and the qooty scran on offer reflects this. So much so that noted Gold City fan Chris Martin wrote a song about the Royals’ scran when he sang “…and it was all yellow”. Bear Grylls is also a big fan apparently. Take a look at some of these offerings:

There’s the cheesy chips (CM6.95 or CM12.95 with a plastic cup of golden ale):



There’s the Bless This Mess (CM21.95):



And there’s…um… whatever this is (CM19.95):



Overall, the scran at the Golden Throne resembles the ground's custodians - homogeneous and easy to chew for those with jaws deformed from generations of inbreeding.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

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[Tonga Bob]

Why don’t you just call it food?

I'm appealing to the yoof demographic.

 

[Pamcake1]

Why don’t you just call it food?

How about calling it Crumbs?

 

[Pamcake1]

Just in time when thoughts naturally turn to what's for dinner.
Thoughts have just run screaming for the hills.

 

[damicky]

I'm appealing to the yoof demographic.

Is Pickitt still around?

 

[Pugsley]

Why don’t you just call it food?

This is food

 

[Robertio]

Give me Guinness Bob, Guinness is food Bob.

 

[Tonga Bob]

The House Of Gumby



In the north of Sweet sits Gumbania, which is quite the coincidence as that’s where the House of Gumby is, and the House of Gumby is where I am right now. As we all know, Gumby is made of plasticine so it stands to reason that not only is the House of Gumby made of plastic (it’s technically a bouncy castle) but the scran they serve at the House of Gumby has the same texture. Like their Rubber Glizzy (CM11.95):



Their Ricochet Rissoles & Soylent Green (CM26.95):



And their deconstructed Play-Doh Burger (CM15.95):



Overall it's a collection of bland yet fattening options that could hold a poster up against the wall in a pinch, which is an adhesive quality that's externally admired yet internally clogging. You'll need to run a marathon to burn the calories off, which is lucky because I know a guy.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

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