Media Qooty Scran - A Journey Through The Culinary Delights Of Sweet Stadiums

[Tigerturbulance]

I'll get to you soon enough.

can you wait until I have finished my Lobster Thermidor please

 

[Tonga Bob]

can you wait until I have finished my Lobster Thermidor please

Are the lobsters sustainably sourced or did you poach them from someone else.

 

[Tigerturbulance]

Are the lobsters sustainably sourced or did you poach them from someone else.

 

[Tonga Bob]

The Colosseum



The West Coast Wonders have repurposed (some would say squatting in) the Colosseum as a qooty ground, and have used it as their home base since the days when oldmate Rusty was reciting speeches and stabbing beetches. Pretty much everything is made of stone here, including their Pizza con Diavola e Calcolo (CM8.95 per slice).



They also have the Et Tu Brutus, a rock hard bun stabbed in the back with what looks like pork jerky (CM14.95):



But just like Lakeside Oval in South Melbourne, the best thing about the qooty scran experience at the Colosseum is the old blokes walking around the place selling bags of just the weirdest crap you could think of.



Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Dromedary pretzels. Tuscany-fried bats. I tried the Wolf nipple chips (CM6 a bag), got them while they’re hot and they were lovely!

There's even a point in the proceedings where the Wonders throw out Clarke's Glizzies to the starving peasantry, which I think is a nice touch.



Overall it's a hard place for scran, but if you wait long enough you just might find a tasty morsel. Or a tasty morsel might find you.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

​

 

[Pamcake1]

View attachment 2159995

The Colosseum

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The West Coast Wonders have repurposed (some would say squatting in) the Colosseum as a qooty ground, and have used it as their home base since the days when oldmate Rusty was reciting speeches and stabbing beetches. Pretty much everything is made of stone here, including their Pizza con Diavola e Calcolo (CM8.95 per slice).

View attachment 2159998

They also have the Et Tu Brutus, a rock hard bun stabbed in the back with what looks like pork jerky (CM14.95):

View attachment 2159999

But just like Lakeside Oval in South Melbourne, the best thing about the qooty scran experience at the Colosseum is the old blokes walking around the place selling bags of just the weirdest crap you could think of.

View attachment 2160000

Larks' tongues. Wrens' livers. Chaffinch brains. Jaguars' earlobes. Dromedary pretzels. Tuscany-fried bats. I tried the Wolf nipple chips (CM6 a bag), got them while they’re hot and they were lovely!

There's even a point in the proceedings where the Wonders throw out Clarke's Glizzies to the starving peasantry, which I think is a nice touch.

View attachment 2160002

Overall it's a hard place for scran, but if you wait long enough you just might find a tasty morsel. Or a tasty morsel might find you.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

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Classic Cuisine and not a pineapple to be seen.

 

[Headless]

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The House Of Gumby

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In the north of Sweet sits Gumbania, which is quite the coincidence as that’s where the House of Gumby is, and the House of Gumby is where I am right now. As we all know, Gumby is made of plasticine so it stands to reason that not only is the House of Gumby made of plastic (it’s technically a bouncy castle) but the scran they serve at the House of Gumby has the same texture. Like their Rubber Glizzy (CM11.95):

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Their Ricochet Rissoles & Soylent Green (CM26.95):

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And their deconstructed Play-Doh Burger (CM15.95):

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Overall it's a collection of bland yet fattening options that could hold a poster up against the wall in a pinch, which is an adhesive quality that's externally admired yet internally clogging. You'll need to run a marathon to burn the calories off, which is lucky because I know a guy.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

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I went to buy one single pie at the House of Gumby.

 

[Tonga Bob]

I went to buy one single pie at the House of Gumby.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Spotswood Oval & College



'Way Out West' was a song back in the day from some country singer & the bloke from Aussie Crawl. “Livin’ anna workin’ on the land” and all that guff. Spotswood is a film made in the 90’s with Hannibal Lecter, Hando from Romper Stomper, Muriel & Mendo based in the western suburbs of Melbourne. What do these things have in common? Old Farts.

The Ophidian Old Farts are the newest franchise in Sweet, and reside in the far west of Sweet in a suburb called Spotswood. They’ve not only built an oval and a reserve oval (called a Reserve), they’ve also built some sort of college out there. There’s not a lot else to speak of as Spotswood is tightly wedged between Waverley and whatever the white stuff is in the map Mobbs made. Mountains? Desert? Mayonnaise? Whatever, the minimalist nature of the suburb is reflected in the scran on offer at Spotswood Oval. For example there’s the Brian Eno Panini (CM17.95):



There's the Confused Bun (CM24.95):



The Tom Skål (CM10.95):



And the Philip Glass o’ Goon (CM4.95 a go):



Despair not however friends. The cafeteria in the adjoining college is luxurious by comparison, mainly due to the fact that Tigerturbulance not only took all of the kitchen staff with him when he left the Furies but he took the whole kitchen as well! As a result the cafeteria has a vast array of scran on offer for the comparatively bargain price of CM29.95 a tray. And you can stack plenty of scran on that tray let me tell you!





Overall, avoid the oval. It's merely empty carbs and regret on the menu there. If you can sneak into the cafeteria however you can eat like a King, and they even allow you to steal food from other patrons! Well technically it's a food fight but they don't know any better.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

Oval:



College Cafeteria:

​

 

[Tonga Bob]

Ljp86's Lair



Ljp86’s Lair is on Beldribilin, which is a fancy name for Dragon Island. They have an imaginary fire-breathing dinosaur thing as a mascot, so it stands to reason that the signature qooty scran is the Dragon Burger. It comes in a Single Dragon (CM12.95) and a Double Dragon (CM21.95) option that has a kick to it, but today I’ve gone with the Single Dragon as I don’t want to put my colon through twice the dinosaur meat. That’s right, dinosaur meat.



Originally an outlet of the Jones’ Good Ass BBQ & Foot Massage franchise, the scran shack at Ljp86’s Lair replaced the deep fryer a couple of off seasons ago with a flame griller that they bought from the East Siders when they stopped burning birds. It is activated by the number of dragon gifs posted by the home team, with the idea being that this would replicate the breath of their imaginary mascot. Good for match thread activity numbers, bad for qooty scran (and our retinas).

Here's the Single Dragon Burger:



And like several other qooty grounds in Sweet they also have a pizza option (CM20). Same result.



Finally there’s a sausageroll option which doesn't look like much of a rookie at all let's be honest (CM12.95, 13.50 with sauce and you REALLY need sauce):



Overall, the scran brings an ironic slant to the term 'well done'. The only way the fire engulfing the cinderscran served at Ljp86's Lair will be extinguished is by the inevitable submersion into sea brought about by qlimate qhange, which the flame griller used to cook the scran is helping to fast track. Ah well, nevertheless.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

​

 

[Tonga Bob]

The Snow Dome



In the north west of Sweet sits Mount Buller. Demons live there. They also have a qooty ground called the Snow Dome, so named due to the occasional earthquakes that shake the place up and make it snow little white things. Here is one for example: https://www.bigfooty.com/forum/threads/bnn-special-update-earthquake-rocks-mount-buller.1286849/

Now Mount Buller is known for some fancy-arsed cuisine, and that extends to the qooty scran at the Snow Dome. They used to have a wood-fired pizza place a while ago but that got shut down when manangatang forgot to pay the rent. They still have some decent scran though, check out some of this gear…

There’s the Mount Buller charqootyrie board (CM27.50):



The Ric Flair Soy & Honey Beef Brisket sandwich with waffle chips and a Scotch egg (CM34.95):



The Bert & Ernie Double Dog (CM19.95):



And of course the Wosh Triple Espresso iced coffee which may or may not still be in stock:



Hell, they even have a chocolate fountain there. Just don’t put cheese fondue in it, as poor Headless here found out the hard way.



Overall, it's the sort of scran you'd expect from the high end of town. Classy, expensive and has the ability to whip you if you're not careful.

Chef Bob’s Scran Rating:

​

 

[Tonga Bob]

rfctigerarmy's hippodrome



The eastern suburbs of Sweet should be an affluent location you would think. And there may be a time when that was the case and indeed it may still be so, however the suburb of Punt is a shell of its former self. It was ransacked a few years ago when Tigerturbulance rented the World's largest U-Haul and filled it with stuff to take to Spotswood when he & his wife took up residence there. This included the kitchen and the kitchen staff at rfctigerarmy's hippodrome, the home ground of the Fighting Furies. In fact the only thing the Furies are fighting nowadays is amongst themselves for whatever scraps were left behind.

Tigers are carnivores, Turbo's an omnivore (eats everything he steals) and the Furies are dumpstivores. Dumpstivores are people that only eat things that they find in dumpsters, and when you visit the hippodrome that's where the scran comes from. Dumpsters. James Colorado has to do the diving on his own as well. Poor bastard.



Here's some examples of what you'll find. There's the Lump & Two Veg (CM7.95):



The What Dog (CM3.49) which may or may not be actual dog:



There's also the Sino-Irish inspired Spice Bag (CM6.95):



And for dessert they have the White Banana (CM1.49 or CM1.99 for two):



Overall, it's cheap and good for the environment. So is dirt. This is the only place where you take a doggy bag with you and leave it behind afterwards. Bring your own scran with you, unless you enjoy damaging the Doulton.

Chef Bob's Scran Rating:

​

 

[James Colorado]

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rfctigerarmy's hippodrome

View attachment 2164284

The eastern suburbs of Sweet should be an affluent location you would think. And there may be a time when that was the case and indeed it may still be so, however the suburb of Punt is a shell of its former self. It was ransacked a few years ago when Tigerturbulance rented the World's largest U-Haul and filled it with stuff to take to Spotswood when he & his wife took up residence there. This included the kitchen and the kitchen staff at rfctigerarmy's hippodrome, the home ground of the Fighting Furies. In fact the only thing the Furies are fighting nowadays is amongst themselves for whatever scraps were left behind.

Tigers are carnivores, Turbo's an omnivore (eats everything he steals) and the Furies are dumpstivores. Dumpstivores are people that only eat things that they find in dumpsters, and when you visit the hippodrome that's where the scran comes from. Dumpsters. James Colorado has to do the diving on his own as well. Poor bastard.

View attachment 2164308

Here's some examples of what you'll find. There's the Lump & Two Veg (CM7.95):

View attachment 2164288

The What Dog (CM3.49) which may or may not be actual dog:

View attachment 2164291

There's also the Sino-Irish inspired Spice Bag (CM6.95):

View attachment 2164294

And for dessert they have the White Banana (CM1.49 or CM1.99 for two):

View attachment 2164297

Overall, it's cheap and good for the environment. So is dirt. This is the only place where you take a doggy bag with you and leave it behind afterwards. Bring your own scran with you, unless you enjoy damaging the Doulton.

Chef Bob's Scran Rating:

View attachment 2164299​

Thanks for the free plug, but you said you'd be honest; I didn't expect you to go this easy on us

 

[Tonga Bob]

Thanks for the free plug, but you said you'd be honest; I didn't expect you to go this easy on us

You should be charging more for your scran imo

 

[AnUltimateRessie]

this is so stupid. i love it.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Abdu Prison



There's a peninsula in the south east of Sweet which forms the majority of the suburb called Abdu Ghraib (or Grange depending on how much vino Mobbs has consumed). I call it Little Baghdad, and it's the home of the Bombers. Within the suburb there's a multi-purpose arena called Abdu Prison where they not only incarcerate people as the name suggests, but they also play qooty and hold public executions there. The prison kitchen is run by condemned criminals, and they're the ones who made the scran.

There's the Boggo Road (3-5 years, 2 with good behaviour):



The Unsureshank & Gravy (6-8 years, 5 with good behaviour):



The Pento Box (18-24 months, 12 with good behaviour):



And the Jabbalaya (life, no parole):



Overall, it's exactly what you'd expect from prison scran - non-lethal, able to be swapped for contraband durries and enough calories to give you the energy to break rocks. And if you're considering smuggling scran into Abdu Prison internally, don't. If you're caught you'll soon be doing time yourself, plus the food they serve tastes enough like shit without it having to be stored in someone's anoos for a period of time.

Chef Bob's Scran Rating:

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[Kilroy]

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Abdu Prison

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There's a peninsula in the south east of Sweet which forms the majority of the suburb called Abdu Ghraib (or Grange depending on how much vino Mobbs has consumed).​

Where do I start?

I call it Little Baghdad, and it's the home of the Bombers.​

Who cares what you call it - it’s called Abu Grange

Within the suburb there's a multi-purpose arena called Abdu Prison where they not only incarcerate people as the name suggests …​

Umm. No they don’t … any more.

… but they also play qooty and hold public executions there.​

Are you on the pingas again Bob?

No they don’t

The prison kitchen is run by condemned criminals, and they're the ones who made the scran.​

Ok that’s private information …. private misinformation I might add

There's the Boggo Road (3-5 years, 2 with good behaviour):

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OMG. That looks rank!

The Unsureshank & Gravy (6-8 years, 5 with good behaviour):

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That’s minced lamb shank, yeah?

The Pento Box (18-24 months, 12 with good behaviour):

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They’re eggs, yeah?

And the Jabbalaya (life, no parole):

View attachment 2165110​

Chick pea curry and rice, yeah?

Overall, it's exactly what you'd expect from prison scran - non-lethal, able to be swapped for contraband durries and enough calories to give you the energy to break rocks. And if you're considering smuggling scran into Abdu Prison internally, don't. If you're caught you'll soon be doing time yourself, plus the food they serve tastes enough like shit without it having to be stored in someone's anoos for a period of time.

Ok. That’s enough.

Clearly you’ve never actually been there

Chef Bob's Scran Rating:

View attachment 2165116​

Wrap it up!

 

[Tonga Bob]

Where do I start?

Who cares what you call it - it’s called Abu Grange

Umm. No they don’t … any more.

Are you on the pingas again Bob?

No they don’t

Ok that’s private information …. private misinformation I might add

OMG. That looks rank!

That’s minced lamb shank, yeah?

They’re eggs, yeah?

Chick pea curry and rice, yeah?

Ok. That’s enough.

Clearly you’ve never actually been there

Wrap it up!

Cheers Manu.

 

[JoshWoodenSpoon]

Don't ever make me say the word scran again.

 

[Tonga Bob]

Brunswick Junction Oval



I'm now smack bang in the middle of Sweet where, bordering the CBD to the west, is Old Town. This is the home of the Roys whose home ground is the Brunswick Junction Oval (BJ Oval), conveniently situated across the road from their retirement village. Some would say that this is where the citizens of Sweet go to die, however the likes of zackah Wosh Zevon & Robertio have seemed to Benjamin Button their way out.

And it's the staff at the retirement village that make the scran for the BJ Oval, because scran goes down better when it's made for people that take their teeth out before swallowing. Here's what they have to offer:

The Roylent Green (CM2.95 per cube, CM1.95 with a pension card):



The Mobbenstewhrer (CM9.95, CM6.95 with a pension card):



The fitzroysoydog (CM9.95, CM7.95 with a pension card) which is pre-cut for your convenience:



And for the sweet gum there's vanilla ice cream with added Vicodin (CM5.95. CM2.95 with a pension card):



Overall, the scran at the BJ Oval is quite palatable which is great if, like me, you're too lazy to chew or digest on your own. And bring your grandparents to take advantage of the pension card discounts. You'll have to hear stories about how they invented shoes, but the Vicodin in the ice cream will soon take the edge off.

Chef Bob's Scran Rating:

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