Round Eight - The Dragons
Tonga Bob
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- Oct 26, 2013
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Righto Sweet, another edition of KYO is upon us. We visited Dragon Island in round eight, so it seemed only fair that the family I chose to describe our hosts were the Targaryens.
Before you ask, the Targaryens aren't the Armenian dudes from System Of A Down. I love that band though, especially the song with all the shouting. You know the one...
SHOUTING!
SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING!
SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING quiet quiet quiet quiet SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING SHOUTING!
But I digress. The Targaryens are one of the families or kingdoms or whatever in the TV shows Game of Thrones and House of the Dragon and the books that the bloke that looks like the older & rounder version of the Skipper from Gilligan's Island wrote, which had the more colloquial name of Boobs, Blood & Scowling. Now I'm not the hugest of fantasy nerds going, so I had to look up what these cats were all about apart from the fact that they own dragons. Here's some tidbits I discovered:
- They all look like albinos;
- They survived something called the Doom of Valyria which was a cool game if you knew the cheat codes like IDDQD, IDCHOPPERS and IDGAF;
- One of the kings had sister-wives so they were Mormons, which explains quite a bit;
- The Targaryen dynasty began with King Pie 4 Life the Conqueror and ended with the death of King AceAndy the Mad;
- Now this one I'm just gonna copypasta from the Wiki page because dayum...
The Targaryens are seen as prone to madness, presumably caused by their inbreeding. According to King Ljp86 , "madness and greatness are two sides of the same coin. Every time a new Targaryen is born [...] the gods toss the coin in the air and the world holds its breath to see how it will land".
Here’s a list of their lineage:
- Pie 4 Life (The Conqueror): Died of a stroke while telling stories about his conquests to his grandchildren in the Chamber of the Painted Table on Dragonstone.
- Chief: Died from a mysterious illness that resulted from cramps and loose bowels. May have been poisoned by his aunt/mother Wosh, who really wanted his brother Ljp86 to rule.
- Ljp86 (The Cruel): Found dead on The Iron Throne with his arms slashed open, having bled to death. Differing accounts claim he was murdered by one of his many enemies or was killed by the Throne itself.
- Hatchy1992 (The Conciliator, The Old King): Died peacefully in bed at the age of 69 as a young Hate Hightower read to him from the Mobbs tome Unnatural Histories.
- Blaze Storm: Died in his sleep after telling his grandchildren stories about previous Targaryen kings battling the Wildlings.
- boncer34: Killed by a poisoned wine goblet after stealing the Crown from the rightful heir (RIGHT! IN FRONT! OF ME!). The person who poisoned him is unclear, but okeydoke7, serving as Hand, had twenty-two men arrested for their involvement. Most notable were Reginald Perrin (pardoned), Ser Frankston Rover of the Kingsguard (executed), and Larys “El Dubya” Strong (executed). The rest went to The Wall.
- DJ75 (Dragonbane): Died from tuberculosis at age 36. He had a good run.
- prpl_jss (The Young Dragon): Killed by the Southern Sharks during “merger” negotiations.
- Knifey Spoony (The Blessed): Either starved himself to death while fasting or was poisoned by his uncle boncer. It’s unclear.
- VandoHawk: Died from a sudden illness; possibly poisoned by his son Bradesmaen.
- Bradesmaen (The Unworthy): Died of extreme obesity, possibly of complications resulting from diabetes, with his limbs rotting and infested with fleshworms. Maesters were baffled, Strigoi claimed it was a punishment for previous Dragon injustices.
- Strigoi (The Good): Died in the Great Spring Sickness.
- HawkAussie: Died of unspecified natural causes during his mid 40s to early 50s (dates unclear).
- PhenomenalV1: Head crushed by a rock thrown from the top turnbuckle of some rebellious rassling franchise as he led a siege against their castle in the Cage O' Death.
- DragoDelph (The Unlikely): Consumed by the destruction of Summerhall.
- A Swallow: Died at age 37 after a short illness, complaining of sudden shortness of breath. He had suffered from poor health for many years.
- AceAndy (The Mad King): Throat slit by Ser serial_thrilla of the Kingsguard at the foot of the Iron Throne.
- Queen T2B_ Stormborn (creatively named for being born during a storm): Exiled with his brother Ge3ks, married Aquaman, owns some dragons and leads an army of unsullied eunuchs.
- Ge3ks (the Beggar): T2B’s brother who he forced into an arranged marriage, had his head melted clean off by some guacamole that had been in the microwave for a good two hours.